DD Sleepover

Old 04-21-2011, 09:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
DD Sleepover

My sober AH (I say sober, because he has about 60 days now, but I would not classify him as "recovering") is on a good swing of late. He moved into a place that rents furnished studio apartments monthly, and has a temporary job writing from home that pays pretty well. I did help him achieve some of this by helping him move from a motel room and giving him money to fix his computer so he could keep the job. It's still difficult for me to not help when he's sober and it's something that seems like a net positive, like fixing the computer so he could work. But that's something I am working on with my therapist--extracting myself/detaching more even when he's NOT drinking.

Anyway, my question pertains to my daughter. My ex's mood lately has been pretty good, I've seen the place he's living and it's not bad--there's a full kitchen and a pull-out sofa bed as well as a double bed. He has seen dd, always accompanied by me, on three occasions and has behaved appropriately. DD asks to see him, or talk to him, sometimes, and I let her do that. The place he is living is about 10 miles away from me, and he doesn't have access to a car (DWI, no license, no car) but it's on a bus line.

And he just asked me if DD could spend the night on Friday. And I said yes. Am I an idiot? To clarify my comment about him not "recovering"--he does have a few recovery friends, but I know he's not actively going to meetings. However, I firmly believe, at least at the present time, that he is sober. I do almost as firmly believe that since he isn't working a program, it's only a matter of time before he starts drinking again. Frankly, a large part of the reason I agreed is because it is kind of nice to have someone else watch my kid for me for a change, and I do truly think she will not be in danger in any way by staying the night there with him the way he is at the moment. I think it might be kind of boring for her, but I plan to pack her up with a lot of her own toys/electronics etc. and have the stay be a quick one--i.e. drop her off pretty late and pick her up pretty early. So again, am I being an idiot? It's seriously sometimes difficult for me to tell when it comes to such matters.
Mambo Queen is offline  
Old 04-21-2011, 11:06 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Sylvie66's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
ITA. If she's old enough and wants to go, and he has no history of drinking around her, then sure. Regardless of her age, she must miss him, and the long term tone of their relationship is going to be set by your attitude.

- Sylvie
Sylvie66 is offline  
Old 04-21-2011, 11:20 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
totfit
 
totfit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I think I would try and gauge how he is doing as to whether or not he is "working a program" for any judgement basis. People staying sober or not "statistically" (JAMA Study) has little to do with what type if any program they are working and more on many other different things. If he is comfortable and sober when you drop your daughter off and he has been sober for a previous period of time leading up, it really is unlikely that he will drink. Just trust your judgement and try not and let any animosity or amores get in the way.
totfit is offline  
Old 04-22-2011, 06:10 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Thanks for the replies. DD is 7 (almost); I ultimately did decide to let her stay over tonight. The reason I sound skeptical about XAH's chances for real recovery and sobriety is that I have seem him at this place many, many times before--i.e., has some sober time under his belt and is functioning OK, for now. But he's never worked a program in earnest, and he's always relapsed, so at this point I do pretty much feel nothing changes if nothing changes. However, I do feel that my daughter is safe tonight, and she was excited about it, so I think for her it is a good thing that she will have this night with her dad. If the cycle continues as per usual, it may be the only longer contact she gets with him for a while.
Mambo Queen is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:12 AM.