roundincircles

Hi there - am after some advice. My husband is an alcoholic and has not drunk for 12 months. 3 years ago he left his old job which was heavily social and involved going out with clients as his drinking was out of control and we both knew that being around it was too hard to say no to. As such he started working in the fitness industry where there was no alcohol. In 3 years he had a couple of slip ups - about 4 - but the past 12 months have been great. However we had a baby 5 months ago and as money is tight he decided to go back to his old job. Last night he came home after a dinner out and had drank a couple of glasses of wine. I was furious and couldn't believe it. But all last night and today he is saying the same stuff he used to say in the olden days when he was in denial and is saying "I am in control - last night proved I could have two glasses then stop" and "I don't want alcohol to control my life - if there are situations where I need to have a glass then I am going to - it is too hard not to". I have tried talking to him but it is pointless. He has said these things before and then it lulls him into the a false sense of security - he may be ok to have a couple of glasses on two or three separate nights then suddenly BAM it gets him and he can't stop and he is out on a 2 or 3 day bender. He is in total denial and is saying things like "I am 30 now, I have grown up and am not the same person" but I tell him "your age is irrelevant, you have a problem with alcohol and I know you don't like to admit it at times but you need to face up to it so it doesn't creep back on on you and destroy everything again". We hate eachother right now. I hate him as I can't believe after 10 years of going through this - 7 of them he was a TERRIBLE drinker and drunk - he has given in and drunk and is in denial about it and he hates me as he says I am "going on and his alcohol problem is in my head". For the past 3 years he fully faced up to his alcoholism, went on medication and always said he would never/could never drink again - all that is out of the window now. Has anyone got any advice of how I can get through to him or make him see that he won't ever 'be in control' unless he has a zero alcohol policy?
PLEASE HELP

suki44883

I have tried talking to him but it is pointless.

You have answered your own question. It is pointless to talk to him about it. You'll just frustrate yourself and drive yourself crazy trying to control him. There is nothing you or anyone else can say to him that will break through his denial. He will drink until he is done.

Have you considered alanon meetings? They can help you. Welcome to SR!

roundincircles

What shall I do then? He won't go to AA - he went to one about 6 years ago but didn't like it. I just so worry now that he has convinced himself he is ok to have the occasional drink that it is only time before he goes on a crazy blow out and I worry as when he does it he gets himself in the worse state imaginable and it is a miracle he hasn't been killed. He always seems a little possessed by the drink still a couple of days after he has drunk so am hoping he may be easier to talk to on the weekend - He had just come so far and I can see it all going down the pan again......

OklaBH

Im sorry you are so upset. BUT you are worrying about things that havent happened yet. Talking and arguing will drive a wedge. Go to an alanon meeting. For now lets pray it is just an occasional drink.

suki44883

What shall I do then?

Work the program you wish he would. Go to Alanon. Learn how to live a happy life in spite of the alcoholic. Learn detachment. Learn how to take care of yourself and your child.

roundincircles

But how can an alcoholic ever have an 'occasional drink'? If you are an alcoholic isn't all drink bad as the one drink might tip you over into the blowout and start the whole non stop drinking pattern up again? My experience with my husband is that once it is in his system his mind craves more of it and his mind will find ways to have more and eventually he slips back into the constant drinking. He has tried the "in control and jsut having a couple of drinks' at social things before and when I was naive and young - and desperate - I believed it. But in reality it doesn't work. The alcohol gets in the system, the mind gets the high and remembers the high and will want to get it again and whether it be 3 days or 3 weeks later the 3 day session comes as the desire is too strong.

OklaBH

True dat' Im an alcoholic and I dont process "occasional" I dont know his situation or drinking habits. I know that arguing causes resentments and alcoholics love to drink over those. I created problems just to have something to drink over. Its a sick cycle. Get to an alanon meeting. If you cant...check out their book online.

suki44883

You are right. An alcoholic cannot have an occasional drink. But, you cannot control him. If he wants to drink, he's going to drink. You will have to decide whether or not this is something you will tolerate. You cannot change him, but you can change your life.

laurie6781

Since you already 'know' from past experience with him where this will lead, what you can do is to protect you and any children you have to the best of your ability. Start protecting the finances, even if it means opening your own accounts in your name only and moving as much money as possible to those accounts to cover expenses.

Although you don't say whether he was physical in the past or just emotionally abusive, pack an emergency bag with clothes for you and children if there are any, important papers and information, and keep it handy somewhere, ie at a friends, the trunk of your car, at work, etc

Find some AlAnon meetings for YOU. These will help you to learn how to set YOUR boundaries and help you to work on you, whether he wants to recover or not. And YES, years of living with an A can make us 'crazy' and 'doubt ourselves.'

Yes, it sounds like he is in denial and all the 'stuff' he is saying, that he used to say is what we call QUACKING. An alcoholic lives in a 'false reality.' I know, I did for many years before I found recovery. Then in recovery I also found out I was co dependent and a 'fixer', lol only thanks to AlAnon found out the only one I can fix is me.

So, Welcome to SR. You have found a great place with lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.

Do some reading, check out the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, read some of the threads and you will see you are not alone.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

roundincircles

Is 'alanon' aloholics anonymous? I can't get to a meeting - what book should I get online?

suki44883

Here is a link to the alanon website.

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

laurie6781

No Alanon is not Alcoholics Anonymous. AA is for the Alcoholic, Alanon is for family and friends of the alcoholic.

Not understanding why you cannot get to a meeting, please explain further.

I do believe there are some AlAnon meetings on line but would have to search them out.

Love and hugs,

roundincircles

Thank you so much for the advice. I opened separate account years ago when he was at his worst so I have that bit sorted. We were 2 weeks away from a divorce but reunited after 6 months separation after he said he finally realised he did have a problem and got medication. So now I should sit tight and wait for it all to happen and if/when it does hope that that shows him that his theory about being 'in control' wasn't quite right... Oh well, suppose I best stop being horrible to him now as we do have a lot of resentment for one another right now as I don't want him to use that as an excuse to drink. I just hope my little boy hasn't inherited this terrible issue with alcohol as I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I have the utmost respect for everyone who can beat the alcoholism and never drink again. Thank you again

SSIL75

That is very sad, I'm sorry. I am an alcoholic and went around like that for years. It was just adaptive drinking. Drinking as little as I could to convince myself I was OK but then binging in private and ultimately losing control in front of my husband too.

Alcohol is in the front seat here. All you can do it set your boundaries, right? Even if that means the end of the relationship. After 7 years of it you must be exhausted.

As for how you can get through to him. Nothing anybody said got through to me. I had to realize myself that sober life was much more fulfilling than drinking life and that I could never, ever moderate. Any time I think otherwise is just another example of alcohol slipping into the front seat. But really I had to get there alone.

SSIL75

Is that what he tells you?

Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. It's not any more complicated than that. I used to list all the reasons that pushed me to drink, too. It was all nonsense.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics. It is based on the 12 steps and principles of AA. It is face to face support for anyone that has a loved one in addiction.

There is also an online option.

And SR is also available 24/7 with support and information.

My first lesson at SR was to learn and accept the three C's of alcoholism:

I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it

The alcohol problem belongs to the other adult. I had to accept that and learn to take my focus off the alcoholic and begin to focus on myself and my children. It takes time, and lots of practice. Alanon and SR support helped me find my way.

Here is one of my favorite permanent (sticky) posts from the top of the forum pages:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed

laurie6781

No you don't have to just 'sit tight' etc. You are free to set your boundaries, as in:

"I will not tolerate you coming home and smelling of alcohol."

"I will not tolerate drinking around me or our child."

etc

always saying "I" not "you or you cannot".

Yes, I understand that you do not want your child to learn these behaviors and that is something else you may have to think about again. There is also a forum here for 'adult children of alcoholics' and it might help you with some of your decisions by reading how living with an alcoholic parent as a child has affected many into adulthood.

Remember, please feel free to post as much as you need to.

Love and hugs,

Eight Ball

Hi Roundincircles,

Your user name reminds me of one of my favourite Al-anon leaflets 'A Merry-go-round named denial' Here is a link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

I guess from your username that its how you are feeling.

Of course your right - your husband, if he is an alcoholic, means that he will never be able to drink again if he wants to find recovery from the disease that is alcoholism. it is next to impossible to control.

Most (if not all) on SR wont be able to offer you this advice.

We have all tried, many, many, times and not one of us have been able to find the solution to 'make them see' with our own alcoholics.

I myself have tried yelling, screaming, begging, crying, pleading, sobbing, talking, gently asking, quiet discussions, leaving leaflets out, nudging, watching alcoholism programmes, threatening, going to Al-anon, seeing a therapist and leaving and not one of theses things has made my AH of 22years see what his alcoholism is doing to him, me, our daughters, our family, our life - nothing!

I found Al-anon and this site about 18 months ago and now I focus on me as that is the only thing that I have control of. I have learnt how to live with my alcoholic as harmoniously as possible but currently not succeeded and planning on leaving. There are some great topics up the top that you can read and there will be books from your local library that you can read. Do read as much as you can, give al-anon a go and keep coming back to SR, we have been where you are and empathize.

OklaBH

why cant you go to a meeting? At least google meetings nearby to you. Have the list handy.

roundincircles

But if I say "I will not tolerate you coming home smelling of alcohol" he just won't come home and will instead just stay out drinking. A few years ago he went on a 4 day and 4 night session and the state he was in at the end was incredible - mouth frothing, deranged, hateful, crazy - and when he eventually came down (about 5 days) he said he stayed out so long as he was dreading coming home as he knew how mad I would be. So I don't want to give him reasons for staying out when he starts as the more he drinks the more wollowing he does and then the more he drinks - he has talked about ending it all when he is in his worst states and I really worry that if/when he goes on another crazy bender that he will feel so bad as he now has a son and he knows how mad I will be that he will stay out until he has nearly keeled over or does something stupid