seekinggrace

After a lot of drama, including my son's tantrum/insistence that he just needed an "effing chance" to beat the addiction on his own, and a last-minute shoplifting bust...

He's going on an airplane to a treatment center today. 600 miles away which just barely feels far enough.

He's just revealed to me that he's been using heroin regularly because oxy has disappeared from the streets. Also, that he's been having regular stimulant binges (mephedrone, the legal "plant food" aka Bliss).

I think he's only going to treatment to avoid consequences, but am hoping/praying some of it will get through his thick skull.

It surprises me that I feel more or less nothing. I don't even know this person. He is cold, detached, and inaccessible.

sojourner

Hello Seekinggrace and welcome to SR. I also have an AS (addicted son, addict son), but he is not in any recovery program.

The feelings you have are perfectly normal. Give it some time. Read the stickies above. Spend some time reading posts, esp by parents of addicts. Find some face-to-face meetings with Alanon and Naranon in your area to attend and become a part of. There are many of us who have been where you are at and have found some kind of stability in spite of whether our addicted loved ones have found recovery or not. Learning how to help an addict is really counterintuitive. Learning how to help ourselves is counterintuitive. But there are answers here and at face-to-face meetings, so I'm glad you are here.

Keep coming back!

Soco88

I hope that it works for him. Addiction really brings the worst out in people.. but your son is still in there!

Kindeyes

I understand this very well.

Your son will be in my prayers......and you also.

gentle hugs
ke

seekinggrace

Thank you for your words of support. We are getting ready to leave and now I'm near panic-attack and also feeling angry and sad simultaneously. I'm afraid I'll never see him again and also wishing I'd never see him again, which makes me feel like an unnatural mother.

He is sleeping on the couch right now and looks normal. I'm afraid he'll fall asleep at the airport and miss his flight or his connection, or get arrested for stealing. I'm afraid he'll try to bolt from the car, or that he'll kill himself in rehab.

I feel victimized and I hate that feeling. It seems like this kid has had every awful experience a kid could have, some his own doing, some mine, some just bad luck or genes or something.

I also have to see my ex-husband today and i never want to lay eyes on him again. He îs the one who introduced drugs to my son (at age 14, when my son was already struggling with seizures). I HATE that man and now am feeling those same hideous feelings toward my son.

Thanks for listening, am just so on edge right now.

aasharon90

My family did an intervention on me 20 yrs ago
and at that time when I was escorted away by
authorities I was filled with so my anger and re-
sentment toward my family. How could they do
that to me. I felt like a criminal when I was placed
in the back seat of the police car.

Later on I realized that they were doing for me what
I was unable to do for myself. To get me the help
I so deperately needed at that time in my life.

That 28 days in rehab plus the 6 week outpatiant
aftercare program handed me the knowledge and tools
to use in my recovery learning to live a day at a time
without alcohol.

I went to any lengths to stay sober so I wouldnt be
sent away out of state away from my little family. I
followed instructions and suggestions to the best of
my ability hanging on to dear life till I finally understood
my addiction and what it was doing to me and those
around me.

Thank God my family saved my life are I wouldnt be here
today sharing my own experiences strengths and hopes
of what it was like before during and after alcohol.

My soul purpose in life today is to enjoy life with the
promises stated in our BB of AA as the gifts to cherish
and treasure as well as helping others that still suffer
with addiction.

Giving away the knowledge that was so freely passed
on to me that I heard in meetings or read here in SR
has kept me sober a many one days at a time for the last
20 yrs. I'll keep doing what I did yesterday to stay sober
today and for the rest of my life living happy joyous and free.

Ill keep your son in my thoughts and prayers with hopes and
wishes that he will seek the help of recovery to begin a new
life free from the depths of despair.

keepinon

I remember feeling so much disgust around my daughter.I would literally feel dirty..not too motherly , right?Well...thats addiction for you..takes you to places you never thought you'd go.Good call on the far away rehab..less chance of running.I have felt all those things you have felt too..alot of us have.Alanon really helped me with having others who have walked in my shoes..and THRIVE..whether their kid is using or not.Try to let the staff do their job..focus on getting yourself some health and peace and breathe..

caileesnana

been there myself, enjoy the time he is in rehab and safe. I pray that he will open his mind and heart and begin to heal.

as hard as it is, do something for you--if you don't who will??

another addicts mom,
s

seekinggrace

It feels comforting to know I'm not the only one who has felt these conflicting emotions and thought these disconnected thoughts about an addict child. It is so scary and devastating.

As soon as he went through the gate at the airport, I lost it entirely and had a big crying meltdown (not my nature) in the airport. So I guess I do still love him, as angry as I feel.

I woke up this morning and realized that I was dreaming about him and he was crying in my dream. I haven't seen him cry since his first breakup in high school--10th grade. And he's had a lot to cry about. I'm hoping this was a sign from God that my son is ready to face his trauma and grief.

I do feel closer to God today, like finally something has happened to relieve my family. I'm not religious really but I find myself repeating "God have mercy, Christ have mercy" from the Catholic mass and either I'm becoming psychotic or having some kind of spiritual awakening.

All three of my children are gone this weekend. Two with their father and one in treatment. So I'm going to look for an Alanon meeting and maybe go to church. Also a massage, a pedicure, and a therapy session. I took the day off work, too. All of these things feel very self-indulgent, but am going for it anyhow.

Kindeyes

It's so good that you are taking this opportunity to do some very nice things for yourself. It does feel good.

I also had a crying breakdown after dropping my son off at rehab. It took so much energy to stay calm and not be drawn into his anger and fear while I was driving him there and the few days prior to getting him in there. It was exhausting.

This will be a good time for you to recharge your batteries.

gentle hugs
ke

keepinon

Those plans you have for yourself sound amazing..make sure you do them!Let us know how you are doing..

Seren

(((Grace)))

Hugs and prayers for you and your son. I hope he will take this chance and really learn....and turn his life around.

HG

CanfixONLYme

What a blessing for him to have a mum like you to care enough to help him get into treatment. I pray his heart gets turned around and I wish you and your family the best with this stressful situation.

seekinggrace

This is really hard. Two days ago, son called me (he wasn't supposed to for two days) and was seriously impaired. Told me they are treating him with Subutex. He was slurring his words badly, dropped the phone once and seemed to fall "asleep" twice during the phone call. He sounded pitiful.

Then, I called in to check on him yesterday morning and was told that they'd "hit a little bump" because my son had actually "palmed his meds and then snorted them." <--the day before, that's apparently why he was so impaired. <---don't understand the science.

Told me that he was told if he did this again, he'd be asked to leave.

First, I understand that he has to follow the rules, but I don't totally understand why they'd even give him an abusable drug when he is SO out of control. He went cold turkey off of Suboxone in the psych ward last year, and they treated him with non-abusable drugs for a few days and he gutted through it.

Second, I don't think I can let him come back here, so if he's kicked out, he will be 600 miles away with no money, no car, no friends or family.

I called back yesterday (evening) and, apparently, he did better...they watched him take the Subutex and said he's eating like a horse and seems "with it."

He called last night (again, against the rules! but he didn't seem to be aware of that) and was very sweet and remorseful and SCARED because he's afraid since he got the shoplifting citation they will investigate him and it turns out his "career" has been doing heavy-duty, felony level shoplifting, then selling the goods to pawn shops.

I told him all he needs to worry about right now is his health.

Then he starts telling me all the things he wants me to send to him in treatment: dollar bills for the vending machine (sent $40 with him, but he says he spent most of it during the travel day), more cigarettes (sent a carton with him--but he says he sold a couple of packs because it was Sunday and the patients couldn't get out to buy any--GREAT, he's becoming a cigarette dealer in treatment!)

And finally, he wants me to send the book 'Junky' by William S. Burroughs, that was packed in his suitcase until I stealthily unpacked it. For God's sake, the book has a drawing of a needle on the cover. I told him I thought maybe he ought to take the focus off THAT and read something else. Of course he argued with me and said that the book doesn't glorify drug abuse, but I am convinced he thinks there is something somewhat *romantic* about self-destructing.

He did tell me that he had a crying breakdown and that some of the other patients talked him through it. Said he started to realize what he's done, and how he could have been well into his second year of college (he had a full ride, but blew it...of course) and instead he's in treatment. Also apologized over and over and said that it kills him every time he hurts me, and in my jaded mind, I have no idea whether this is sincere or manipulation, because he manipulates me like, I guess, they all do.

I am trying so hard to believe that the treatment center is going to work out, that he won't be kicked out, that he will get his act together.

It seems like the addiction has completely taken over his mind. He has NO self-control, no common sense, and no insight.

keepinon

Try not to get too concerned ..the first two months of sobriety I swear my daughter was nuttier than when she was using..he's still detoxing..he's going to be emotionally ALL over the place..this is why they don't want him calling.Did I listen?NOOO way..I called all the time.only upsetting myself when she didn't sound like I thought she should.If I could do it all over, I'd call once a week ,say "love you" and hang up.They need to focus on their recovery.
As for the "demands" send the minimum YOU deem neccissary..they still have "addict brain" and will hustle you even at rehab.Now that they found him snorting I bet they will be all over him..let them worry and deal with him..that's what they are paid for..and since they didn't give birth to them, it's not going to eat them up the way it does us.Time and space..can work wonders.

Cyranoak

Would you consider not taking his calls which are against the rules for a reason? He broke the rules, but so did you, thus enabling him. Would you consider not sending him anything? You already sent him with enough, and he blew through it. Sending him more would be enabling him. Would you consider leaving him to deal with the recovery process 600 miles away, all on his own?

Let him succeed at this all by himself. Or let him fail at this all by himself.

Please fully engage with Alanon while he is in recovery. IMHO SR is not enough.

Good luck and take care,

Cyranoak