Find this Strange

Old 04-20-2011, 05:57 PM
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Find this Strange

We have been separated since January but still in house until it sells. I have felt strong about my decision but something happened today that threw me way off.

You know how we had the thread on Gut feelings, well I had one of those feelings because yesterday morning the phone kept ringing and I thought it was odd and when I answer it (normally would have been at work)
the person hung up. I decided to look on the phone records to see the number and I find out this number is calling my house pretty much everyday after I leave for work. It all seems to have started around the time I told him I have had enough and wanted to separate. Of course when I tell AH he says it is his "Friend". Give me a friggin break like men call each other everyday (help me out here guys). I think you all know wht my GUT is telling me.

I guess what threw me was, I am separating because of the addiction and never thought he would ever be capable of something like this. I have never cheated and never would and always thought he was the same. He is trying to swear up and down that it is not what I think. What is your take on this?
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:11 PM
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:14 PM
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I guess in the grand scheme of things, we have been together 25 years and to split because of alcoholism is one thing but to think he is doing this while still in the same house bothers me. Why you would be ok with this?
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:18 PM
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I never said I would be okay with it. My post obviously irritated you and I apologize for that. I'll leave this thread for others to respond. Good luck to you.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:39 PM
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JRG,

You are separated, and your intention (as I understand it) is to move on. With whom and how your soon to be ex has relationships with others should be of no concern. If what you suspect turned out to be totally false, would you take him back?

It sounds like you would be better off if you moved to a different home. Staying where you are is not doing you any favors.

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Old 04-20-2011, 07:06 PM
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I guess my response would depend on if you are in the process of a divorce or just in the middle of separation. If it is divorce then you both are moving on and it is just paper work that is stopping you guys from being married. If it is separation then I think it is a huge sign to who he is" if" he is in fact seeing someone. I think your gut is right... if it was just a friend then why would they not simply leave a message with you when you answered? No matter where you are at in the relationship it still is hurting you and that is understandable... you have been married for a very long time.

Time to focus on you and what you need. The less time and effort you spend on trying to figure him out the better.
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Old 04-20-2011, 07:12 PM
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I totally see how you are blindsided by this. I have been there.

im sorry, but even if you were on your way out, it still hurts, and it matters. It matters in terms of resepcet for the person you live under a roof with.

Sorry, but I am not on the "you were on your way out the door anyway" train on this one...

I would be hurt
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Old 04-20-2011, 07:15 PM
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Jrg...

...your gut feeling is right IMHO. But, why are you surprised? If you know anything at all from your time here on this forum with us, you know that when you stop being an enabler your alcoholic addict will immediately find themselves another.

You stopped.

He found another.

As personal as it feels, it's not personal at all. It's what they do. Period.

I know it still hurts.

Take care,

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Old 04-20-2011, 07:40 PM
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JRG
I am right there with you. I always thought the alcohol would come between us. I set deadlines that I never kept. "If he doesn't get better by the time our son graduates..." And things didn't get better...and they didn't get worse. I thought I did a good job detaching and living my life. Suddenly he said he didn't know if he wanted to be married.
WTF! Then I found out he had a "friend". So he was making it really easy to walk away right?
Not so much.
He is doing things that are so out of character and against all he ever professed to be his moral code. I blame a great deal of his behavior on his alcohol progressing. Maybe its what I need to believe for right now.
Nonetheless. I am hurt and astounded. So I get how you feel.
However, you are making some changes and this should not deter you from going on with your plan. I am making some changes in what I will accept in my life.
My husband's "friend" probably has no idea how much he drinks. I do and I know I no longer want that in my life. Do you?
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Old 04-20-2011, 08:00 PM
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I highly doubt it's his sponsor.
Ouch, I know. It doesn't matter that you are separating, this stuff still jabs.
You'll be ok...hugs.
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Old 04-20-2011, 08:10 PM
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Sometimes, I think it would be easier to lose your spouse to another person
Losing them to a empty glass bottle, really doesnt make no sense...

Cyranoak nailed it: It's what they do...

Hopefully you are eating/sleeping good & working your steps.

Stress can play alot of games with our minds...
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Old 04-20-2011, 09:48 PM
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I guess in reality, I would most likely react similarly to you. My mind would race, my imagination would run wild... And Id end up causing myself piles and piles of stress and pain. I say this because I have more self-inflicted wounds than any others!

Diving head first into the insanity would do me know good.

What would my ideal, good Al-anon recovery response be? To not read into it. To not snoop and detective around trying to unearth the story. To trust that more will be revealed... On your HPs schedule. I'm certainly not saying ignore it. I'm saying - see it, acknowledge, but don't get swept up in it.

Take a deep breath and get focused back on you. What do you want for your life?
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Old 04-20-2011, 10:02 PM
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Well, I can say that your gut instinct is likely right. I'm sorry you are hurting but maybe let this be more of a push for yourself to try to get a different place and move on with your life..I know, much easier said than done. I wish I had the right words, but I don't. You do have my prayers though. (((((Hugs)))))
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:16 AM
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Hi Jackrussellgirl

I have separated several times from my AH of 22 years, sometimes remaining in the property together and once actually moving out into my own place.

Whilst separated and living in my own place, and doing well with the 'no contact' I discovered my AH had been having a rather sordid internet affair that had started well before we parted and were still a 'couple' and I was devastated. I telephoned AH and gave him a piece of my mind and this led to us going to counseling and moving back in together. Fast forward 4 years!

I dont understand the logic of this when I look back. I have discussed this with my therapist and talked about possible fear of abandonment issues.

AH and I regularly go into 'mutual shutdown' over his antics and I eventually get to the stage whereby I discuss separation/divorce etc because that is truly how I feel at the time but then the love and life I have overtakes that feeling. Also the reason why I talk about separation/divorce etc is to shock him, show/tells him how much he has hurt me and want him to get straight so that he can tell me how much he needs me. He doesn't of course and I end up making the piece over and over again.

None of this was about me and my feelings of being done with my marriage. To be able to move on, I believe that you have to do it with no motives in mind and just know in your heart that you are doing it because you love yourself.

Not saying that your not done but that's my ESH after reading your thread.

I am sure there would be plenty of people who would still feel hurt/sad when an ex re marries long after a divorce. You feel what you feel, nothing you can do about that but dust yourself off and move on.
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:23 AM
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Alone 22 - it is a huge sign to who he is


Couldn't agree more. It has a lot more to do with a persons morals and values than alcohol. A man with HIGH morals and values in his core, will be mindful of hurting you (a once partner he loved) despite agreeing on a separation or divorce. Even if he didn't love you anymore, he would still be respectful and wait until his marriage was over before moving on with someone else and definitely not when still living with his ex.

Separation and discussing divorce and separation whilst trying to work on your marriage are two different things in my opinion too.
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Old 04-21-2011, 12:09 PM
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Thanks for all the responses. Doing better today. It still pisses me off and rightfully so. I am human, after all, and have feelings and emotions. I wish some people would remember that when responding to our post. I will take what I want and leave the rest. In this case it was only one poster and they quickly deleted their INSENSITIVE response.

I will continue to FOCUS on me and that train ride out of CRAZYLAND. My day is coming. So it looks like I took one more ride on the rollercoaster and forgot how sick it makes me. That is ok, progress not perfection. At least I did not stay on the ride too long. Normally, I would have been still sick about it this morning and had a bad day at work. I got up and went about my business and did ok. Progress not perfection.

The day will come that I hear "ALL ABOARD, last train out of CRAZYLAND and remember there is no returning".

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Old 04-21-2011, 12:25 PM
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Glad you're feeling a little more .... on stable ground, JRG.
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Old 04-21-2011, 02:53 PM
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There's a saying: women mourn, men replace.
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Old 04-21-2011, 04:24 PM
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There's a saying: women mourn, men replace.
Sad but true.
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Old 04-21-2011, 04:45 PM
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JRG- Wow, that sucks. I'd be torn up inside too and angry, sad, confused-- the whole gammut. From the outside I can say "it doesn't surprise me" but if I was in your shoes tha would be cold comfort. That has to hurt more than anything and I am so sorry.

I have had my suspicions (long before we separated) with my H. Not anything physical mind you, but emotional. I think that when we stop playing the game and they might have to look at themselves, they hurry up to find someone new who will see them in whatever light they portray that day so they can feel good (or less empty) about themselves. I don't suppose it makes it hurt any less, but it definitely is not about you that he's gotten himself involved with someone else (I am just going on the assumption your gut is right bc I've learned that my gut with my H is right 99% of the time and I bet yours is too). He's empty and doesn't want to deal with life on life's terms or reality or do the hard work to live a real life. So instead he's going to place responsibility for his happiness or lack thereof on people, places and things and thinks that by replacing people, places and things he'll find the answer. We both know he won't but that doesn't make the sting any less.

I know when the day comes that I learn my H is involved with another woman it will be hard to swallow. I still love my H but can't be with him and maintain my health and sanity so letting go of someone you love and the life you thought you'd have together is hard. Then add in his seemingly blase attitude about finding a "replacement" and that is salt in a wound.

I am so sorry you are hurting. I would be too.
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