Happiness... as Elusive as Ever
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
Happiness... as Elusive as Ever
Hello all. Long time no see.
Here's a short background, since it's been awhile since I've visited. Married for 20+ years to a man, basically a good man, who must have been one of the most highly functional alcoholics I've ever know. No problems with the law or his job, just guzzled beer 24/7, save for sleeping or working. I doubt his blood had been alcohol-free in many, many years.
A few months ago, after he let me down in a big, very public way, for what I decided was the last time, I told him I wanted a divorce. His response was to immediately enter rehab, out of state. The kids and I were in no way able to participate in his recovery, and when I asked about it, I was told I should go to Al Anon, so I have been.
While he was in rehab, his father died unexpectedly. God rest his soul, but what timing, huh? He had to leave rehab to go another state to help his step-mother with the arrangements. As it turned out, our insurance was about to put him in outpatient care anyway, so the timing worked out. While he was gone, I also had to deal with putting one of our sons in the hospital with an infection, the other breaking out in shingles (a teenager!) and having our bank account hacked into by Australian scammers. I know I'll never forget March 2011!
After all the funeral hoopla, he came home, and we all began trying to begin life again. The kids are absolutely thrilled that their dad isn't drinking, and things are a lot more peaceful around our house now. He’s even begun taking on several projects around the house that have been needing attention for years. Work is going great for him, and to the best of my knowledge, he's not drinking. I honestly think I could tell if he was.
However, all is not well. He totally skipped any outpatient care, assuring me that the 2.5 weeks inpatient he had was plenty. He's going to a meeting maybe once a week, and if I even try to suggest any additional, he gets very defensive. When in rehab, he was put on an antidepressant, and I'm not sure it's the right one for him. He's so quiet, so withdrawn, and so sullen, and I can't get him to see the doctor. I believe he's probably mourning the loss of his father and his best friend "Beer" at the same time.
And maybe it's selfish, but I'm hurt that he has never once asked me how I'm doing, or apologized for any of the horrible things he did to me, and our family, while he was drinking. In my mind, I think he very much thinks that he took his medicine by going to rehab and he owes me nothing else. It’s as if he's decided the past is now a blank slate. He doesn't want to do anything with our friends because he's not ready to be around any drinking yet, so we've barely left the house since he got home. When I wait for the right moments, and oh so gently ask if we'll be able to "do this" or "go there" in the future, he tells me he doesn't know. Sex life? No way. He was much more enthusiastic when he was loaded. What happened here? Don't I get to have a life anymore?
I resent him. I look at photos online of other couple out having fun together and with others, and I could cry. I want THAT life -maybe I don't want to live my life with a recovering alcoholic if it means staying home and staring at the same 4 walls every weekend. Alcohol is all around us, and I get the impression that he's using that as an excuse to "punish" me. HE can't be around it, therefore WE can't participate. It's up to HIM to determine what we will and will not do.
Yes, the chaos is gone from our lives. But so is any semblance of fun, or even hope. I have been going to Al Anon about once a week, and it does help. But looking at the big picture, I'm lost. I don't feel I can leave him NOW, not when he went to the effort of rehab and lost his father at the same time. Do I still ove him? I'm not sure. I know I care about him, and maybe I DO still love the man... but if so, it's buried in so much pain and anger that I can't feel it.
I know I've ranted and raved here, and guess more than anything I just wanted to vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
Here's a short background, since it's been awhile since I've visited. Married for 20+ years to a man, basically a good man, who must have been one of the most highly functional alcoholics I've ever know. No problems with the law or his job, just guzzled beer 24/7, save for sleeping or working. I doubt his blood had been alcohol-free in many, many years.
A few months ago, after he let me down in a big, very public way, for what I decided was the last time, I told him I wanted a divorce. His response was to immediately enter rehab, out of state. The kids and I were in no way able to participate in his recovery, and when I asked about it, I was told I should go to Al Anon, so I have been.
While he was in rehab, his father died unexpectedly. God rest his soul, but what timing, huh? He had to leave rehab to go another state to help his step-mother with the arrangements. As it turned out, our insurance was about to put him in outpatient care anyway, so the timing worked out. While he was gone, I also had to deal with putting one of our sons in the hospital with an infection, the other breaking out in shingles (a teenager!) and having our bank account hacked into by Australian scammers. I know I'll never forget March 2011!
After all the funeral hoopla, he came home, and we all began trying to begin life again. The kids are absolutely thrilled that their dad isn't drinking, and things are a lot more peaceful around our house now. He’s even begun taking on several projects around the house that have been needing attention for years. Work is going great for him, and to the best of my knowledge, he's not drinking. I honestly think I could tell if he was.
However, all is not well. He totally skipped any outpatient care, assuring me that the 2.5 weeks inpatient he had was plenty. He's going to a meeting maybe once a week, and if I even try to suggest any additional, he gets very defensive. When in rehab, he was put on an antidepressant, and I'm not sure it's the right one for him. He's so quiet, so withdrawn, and so sullen, and I can't get him to see the doctor. I believe he's probably mourning the loss of his father and his best friend "Beer" at the same time.
And maybe it's selfish, but I'm hurt that he has never once asked me how I'm doing, or apologized for any of the horrible things he did to me, and our family, while he was drinking. In my mind, I think he very much thinks that he took his medicine by going to rehab and he owes me nothing else. It’s as if he's decided the past is now a blank slate. He doesn't want to do anything with our friends because he's not ready to be around any drinking yet, so we've barely left the house since he got home. When I wait for the right moments, and oh so gently ask if we'll be able to "do this" or "go there" in the future, he tells me he doesn't know. Sex life? No way. He was much more enthusiastic when he was loaded. What happened here? Don't I get to have a life anymore?
I resent him. I look at photos online of other couple out having fun together and with others, and I could cry. I want THAT life -maybe I don't want to live my life with a recovering alcoholic if it means staying home and staring at the same 4 walls every weekend. Alcohol is all around us, and I get the impression that he's using that as an excuse to "punish" me. HE can't be around it, therefore WE can't participate. It's up to HIM to determine what we will and will not do.
Yes, the chaos is gone from our lives. But so is any semblance of fun, or even hope. I have been going to Al Anon about once a week, and it does help. But looking at the big picture, I'm lost. I don't feel I can leave him NOW, not when he went to the effort of rehab and lost his father at the same time. Do I still ove him? I'm not sure. I know I care about him, and maybe I DO still love the man... but if so, it's buried in so much pain and anger that I can't feel it.
I know I've ranted and raved here, and guess more than anything I just wanted to vent. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
It's difficult. There's so many things going on in the mind of a newly sober person.
My Al-Anon meeting had their anniversary last night, and there was a couple who were our Al-Anon and AA speakers - husband and wife, sharing both sides of the same story. They both shared that while he was actively drinking, life was difficult, but it became even more difficult when he stopped drinking, because in his case he was never home, but always running away to as many meetings as he could attend.
You might want to take a read here, Tuffgirl posted a great thread about some of the emotions that go along with early recovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rd-3-back.html
It makes sense, especially with the recent loss of his father, that he'd have a hard time coming to acknowledge his feelings, since he was hiding them all the time behind the alcohol.
Also, while it's great that he went to rehab, keep in mind that there's still a chance of relapse. Two and a half weeks of rehab doesn't really stack up well against all the years spent drinking. On the plus side, though, if there is a relapse, at least he's come in contact with some tools that will help him, so there's a chance that he can recover from the relapse faster. But it all depends upon the person.
Best thing to do right now is probably to just focus on you, and your recovery, and Al-Anon. It's difficult, but your own mental health and sanity is important, much more important than worrying about what he's up to, one way or the other. If you nurse yourself back to health, then you can trust yourself to make healthy decisions, and to stay healthy no matter what he is doing.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 331
Hiya PrettyinPink, (Did you like Molly Ringwald?),
Hang in there, if he continues with his stepwork, if his meetings are AA, then he will make amends with you at some point.
It is sad that you are not appreciated during this time, however, know that we appreciate you, and there are a lot of other women going through the same sort of thing on here. It might help you to read their posts. Afterall misery loves company, no?
Keep yourself busy, reading books, going to al-anon, watching movies, cleaning, it will help you during this difficult time. And believe it or not, the is making you a stronger woman. Good luck to you, and may the tides turn in your favor.
<3 Peace
Hang in there, if he continues with his stepwork, if his meetings are AA, then he will make amends with you at some point.
It is sad that you are not appreciated during this time, however, know that we appreciate you, and there are a lot of other women going through the same sort of thing on here. It might help you to read their posts. Afterall misery loves company, no?
Keep yourself busy, reading books, going to al-anon, watching movies, cleaning, it will help you during this difficult time. And believe it or not, the is making you a stronger woman. Good luck to you, and may the tides turn in your favor.
<3 Peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
if you aren't happy with how your life is, get busy lady!!! go HAVE FUN. invest in your own joy, your own magic, your own bliss!
A girlfriend invited me to a concert this weekend, and I took a bold step and bought a ticket... after asking my husband if he was okay with it.
He agreed, but is now pouty, and saying how he would have liked to have seen the show.
Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Last edited by PrettyinPink; 04-20-2011 at 02:52 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Good responses here. Please also continue to work on your own recovery in Alanon. Among other things it will help you become the kind of person who does not need or want an apology, and who can accept that life isn't fair. That's a very freeing thing.
The beauty of Alanon is that if you truly keep going and work the steps, you will find that you will obsess less over his recovery, what he's doing or not doing, the fact that he is avoiding doing what he "should" be doing, and how likely it is, or is not, that he will relapse.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
The beauty of Alanon is that if you truly keep going and work the steps, you will find that you will obsess less over his recovery, what he's doing or not doing, the fact that he is avoiding doing what he "should" be doing, and how likely it is, or is not, that he will relapse.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
it can take a couple of years of solid 100% sobriety for former drinkers to really start to become NON-drinkers, in body mind and spirit. it takes practice. NOT drinking has to become a HABIT, just like drinking was. and new habits take time to form. if drinking was in his life on a daily basis, he's got a lot of days to recover from. and a lot of TIME to figure out how to fill.
I'm just now finally adjusting to doing things "SOBER". Little by little. Day by day.
I'm also on antidepressants and other pills to help me sleep.
I'm was taking things very slowly and trying not to let any "drama" upset me and send me back into misery. It still only takes one "thing" that traumatauzes my mind and sends me into a spin of thoughts that I can't shake off then.
It really is a process. He will eventually come back to reality, but for now his reality is "being in a quiet place" that doesn't disturb his thoughts and feelings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by anvilhead
remember how they always told us be careful what we ask for??? well remember when you JUST wanted him to stop drinking? here ya go, he's stopped drinking. and for an alcoholic, that's a full time job.
The thing is, I stopped WANTING him to quit drinking years ago. I gave up.
For probably the past 3-4 years, I've actually been plotting my exit strategy, to some extent. No firm plan in place, but knowing that my youngest would soon be graduating and a divorce would be somewhat less traumatic for us all after that.
Never, EVER, in my wildest dreams did I expect him to go to rehab. In my head, the next year or so was going to be liberating to me, and never did it occur to me that I'd be struggling through this with him. I was over that a long time ago.
BUT, as I said, he's a good man, and we've been married a long time. Part of me knows that he deserves this chance, and that our family deserves this chance as well. And deep down, I think we may still be able to salvage what we once had. So here I am. I'm staying.
However, so far I don't find much peace in that decision.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I hope that during this time, you will still put the focus on you, and your life. You are staying, ok, that's fine, but you don't have to be chained...go to al-anon, see your friends, enjoy your children, (seeing a good therapist has helped me so much too.).
Your husband's recovery is his deal, you have as much control over this as you did over his drinking (none).
If you take care of yourself, you will be in a much better position to know what to do when the time comes to do anything. More will be revealed...
Your husband's recovery is his deal, you have as much control over this as you did over his drinking (none).
If you take care of yourself, you will be in a much better position to know what to do when the time comes to do anything. More will be revealed...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Sometimes, relationships don't survive a drinking partner getting sober. Like has been said, his whole world is upside down and then his dad died on top of that. It takes a long time for them to settle down both physically and mentally. Sometimes they just aren't able to make up for the damage they did for so many years.
In the meantime, do what has been suggested. Continue with al-anon, work your steps, do things with your friends, and don't worry about what he is or isn't doing regarding his own recovery. If he has a problem with you living your life, then he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
In the meantime, do what has been suggested. Continue with al-anon, work your steps, do things with your friends, and don't worry about what he is or isn't doing regarding his own recovery. If he has a problem with you living your life, then he can just get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Originally Posted by kiki5711
. It still only takes one "thing" that traumatauzes my mind and sends me into a spin of thoughts that I can't shake off then.
It really is a process. He will eventually come back to reality, but for now his reality is "being in a quiet place" that doesn't disturb his thoughts and feelings.
It really is a process. He will eventually come back to reality, but for now his reality is "being in a quiet place" that doesn't disturb his thoughts and feelings.
I'm trying to understand. I get the quiet place part, especially since he's also grieving the loss of a parent.
I don't get the YOU stay home too and sit around and do nothing. That's not fair, and I'm glad you bought the ticket to the concert! You too deserve to live, whether he is ready yet or not, it's not like you're replacing him.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 79
And maybe it's selfish, but I'm hurt that he has never once asked me how I'm doing, or apologized for any of the horrible things he did to me, and our family, while he was drinking. In my mind, I think he very much thinks that he took his medicine by going to rehab and he owes me nothing else. It’s as if he's decided the past is now a blank slate. He doesn't want to do anything with our friends because he's not ready to be around any drinking yet, so we've barely left the house since he got home. When I wait for the right moments, and oh so gently ask if we'll be able to "do this" or "go there" in the future, he tells me he doesn't know. Sex life? No way. He was much more enthusiastic when he was loaded. What happened here? Don't I get to have a life anymore?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I think you can salvage a relationship from this, but it in my opinion it will be a different one than before, and possibly a better one with two healthy people in it this time around.
Recovery for you wasn't about if he drank or not. It still isn't.
It was about living your life without being tied down or held back by his needs and choices. It still is. Now that he is home from rehab, I think recovery for you needs to hit a high gear.
Consider that while he needs to stay home and stay safe and you want to be supportive of that, so shall he ought to be supportive of you seeking the things that fulfill you...interacting with others in healthy ways, having friends (which some of use lose along the way), having hobbies. Whether he can be supportive of this now or in the future is something you leave for him to wrestle with.
Detaching with compassion, boundaries, focusing on your needs in the primary, seeking support...All the tools we learn to deal with an active addict apply when dealing with a recovering one....Shoot, for me they apply with anyone and everyone I have a contact with.
My best to you,
Alice
Recovery for you wasn't about if he drank or not. It still isn't.
It was about living your life without being tied down or held back by his needs and choices. It still is. Now that he is home from rehab, I think recovery for you needs to hit a high gear.
Consider that while he needs to stay home and stay safe and you want to be supportive of that, so shall he ought to be supportive of you seeking the things that fulfill you...interacting with others in healthy ways, having friends (which some of use lose along the way), having hobbies. Whether he can be supportive of this now or in the future is something you leave for him to wrestle with.
Detaching with compassion, boundaries, focusing on your needs in the primary, seeking support...All the tools we learn to deal with an active addict apply when dealing with a recovering one....Shoot, for me they apply with anyone and everyone I have a contact with.
My best to you,
Alice
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I really loved the book Co Dependent No More. It really taught me things about myself that I use repeatedly, in my relationships with people who are alcoholics and with other friends and family members who struggle with other issues.
I'm so glad you are posting here.
I'm so glad you are posting here.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Southern Illinois
Posts: 174
Hi PrettyinPink. Well, my husband is actively drinking (he is trying to get things ready around our house to prepare for rehab), so I really don't know what it feels like to be with a recovering alcoholic yet. I pray that day comes soon. Our issue is that we are so broke that we never go anywhere, but he says (who knows) that will change once he is in recovery, says he wants to go fishing and just enjoy the simple things. So..maybe you and your RAH could do that? Camp, fish, take a drive through the country (if you are any where close to a rural area). Just simple things right now. Watch the sunset, lay in the yard (if possible when kids are asleep) and look at the stars. I know this all might sound very corny, but this is my definition of happiness, but what is for me isn't of course for everyone. Another suggestion..how about marriage counseling? It certainly is NOT selfish of you to want happiness, and like so many others have said, be sure to take time for yourself..let him pout. I know that's easier said than done, but I have heard that Al-Anon will teach you how to, and I know this place will as well. (((((Hugs)))))
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
I'd like to thank everyone for their replies, it really helps to hear what others have gone through. On the subject of apologies, though, I'm still struggling.
More than an overall apology, I think what I really want to know is if he's sorry at all for ruining specific events. Things that meant a LOT to me. Vacations, holidays, etc.
The straw that broke the camels back at our house was his behavior at a social event for a group I volunteer with year round, and that he's somewhat involved with as well.
At our most recent annual banquet, we were to receive an honor, something I've worked for and dreamed of for years. The culmination of all my hard work, actually.
Instead, he got absolutely sloshed early on in the evening, fell, split his eyebrow, bled everywhere and was escorted out by the cops. Of course he had to leave, and I left with him. I tried for a little while to go on without him, but my night was ruined too, and home I went, when the night bad barely begun. He left for rehab a few days later, and that night has not been mentioned again.
Our friends in the organization have been very understanding and have already moved on. It's time to make plans for next year, after all! In their words, he wasn't the first person to ever have to much to drink and he won't be the last. And they have assured me that we're still in line for the honor and I'm excited to have another chance.
Except that HE wants nothing to do with it. He's made it very clear to me that although he'll still be involved in the organization, he won't attend the main event with me, and if I want to go I'll need to find another escort. Seriously? Someone other than my husband?
So, I'm going to do it. I want to be there and he refuses to go with me, so I guess that's just the way it is. However, I feel like he owes me a re-do of that horrible night, a chance to make it right and create a good memory instead of a nightmare.
We're talking about something that's almost a year away. Is it really to much to ask that he commit to spend 3 or 4 hours the way I want to, if it means that much to me? And it does. I don't think it's an embarrassment issue with him either, God knows he's pulled stunts like this plenty of times over the years and it's never stopped him before.
If he was sorry, wouldn't he try to make it up to me? Instead, I feel like he's witholding this from me as punishment, and yes, I'm angry about it. It feels like unfinished business to me and just forgetting about it has proved to be almost impossible.
More than an overall apology, I think what I really want to know is if he's sorry at all for ruining specific events. Things that meant a LOT to me. Vacations, holidays, etc.
The straw that broke the camels back at our house was his behavior at a social event for a group I volunteer with year round, and that he's somewhat involved with as well.
At our most recent annual banquet, we were to receive an honor, something I've worked for and dreamed of for years. The culmination of all my hard work, actually.
Instead, he got absolutely sloshed early on in the evening, fell, split his eyebrow, bled everywhere and was escorted out by the cops. Of course he had to leave, and I left with him. I tried for a little while to go on without him, but my night was ruined too, and home I went, when the night bad barely begun. He left for rehab a few days later, and that night has not been mentioned again.
Our friends in the organization have been very understanding and have already moved on. It's time to make plans for next year, after all! In their words, he wasn't the first person to ever have to much to drink and he won't be the last. And they have assured me that we're still in line for the honor and I'm excited to have another chance.
Except that HE wants nothing to do with it. He's made it very clear to me that although he'll still be involved in the organization, he won't attend the main event with me, and if I want to go I'll need to find another escort. Seriously? Someone other than my husband?
So, I'm going to do it. I want to be there and he refuses to go with me, so I guess that's just the way it is. However, I feel like he owes me a re-do of that horrible night, a chance to make it right and create a good memory instead of a nightmare.
We're talking about something that's almost a year away. Is it really to much to ask that he commit to spend 3 or 4 hours the way I want to, if it means that much to me? And it does. I don't think it's an embarrassment issue with him either, God knows he's pulled stunts like this plenty of times over the years and it's never stopped him before.
If he was sorry, wouldn't he try to make it up to me? Instead, I feel like he's witholding this from me as punishment, and yes, I'm angry about it. It feels like unfinished business to me and just forgetting about it has proved to be almost impossible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Latte
I really loved the book Co Dependent No More. It really taught me things about myself that I use repeatedly, in my relationships with people who are alcoholics and with other friends and family members who struggle with other issues.
I'm so glad you are posting here.
I'm so glad you are posting here.
I have read the book, and can certainly relate to it, but have a heard time applying it in real life.
I need to work on that, I guess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
Consider that while he needs to stay home and stay safe and you want to be supportive of that, so shall he ought to be supportive of you seeking the things that fulfill you...interacting with others in healthy ways, having friends (which some of use lose along the way), having hobbies. Whether he can be supportive of this now or in the future is something you leave for him to wrestle with.
If he were going to meetings more than once a week, I'd have hope that he was working on things like allowing me some room to grow. Himself as well.
But I just don't see it. : /
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by anvilhead
perhaps it's time to stop waiting for HIM to make it ok, and for you to just go ahead with that life you want. that's one of the hallmarks of codependency....giving our power away to someone else. living on IF and WHEN, instead of NOW. putting our eggs in somebody else's basket.
keeping with the Easter theme, maybe it's time to go on your own easter egg hunt and start "collecting" all those rainbow colored
bits of you!?
keeping with the Easter theme, maybe it's time to go on your own easter egg hunt and start "collecting" all those rainbow colored
bits of you!?Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Prettyinpink, Welcome to SR. StarCat posted a thread of mine from just a couple days ago above, and I wanted to also offer an online resource that has been helpful for me:
http://www.peggyferguson.com/userfil...20Survival.pdf
The thing is - you have regular expectations that any wife would have, but you are expecting them from someone who is not "normal" - not yet. Alcoholism is insidious and just wrecks havoc on the brain. Your husband's brain is not functioning properly yet. Have you read "Under the Influence"? There are some excerpts on the alcoholism site here on SR. Another good good is , "Of Course You're Angry" by Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden. It describes anger for both the RA and the family affected by the disease. And, have you read any of the AA Big Book? Do you attend Al-Anon? Educating yourself about alcoholism as well as what to expect in recovery and what 12 step programs really "do" is most helpful.
What is not helpful is your anger and expectations. Oh how I hated to hear that. Because the anger and expectations are justified...right? Sure, but they make early recovery that much WORSE for the RA. It's very damaging. We (the spouses and families) tend to think rehab and/or 12 step programs are a magical cure. They'll go spend a few days/weeks/months and come home and be the person we knew and fell in love with. And they'll be so sorry for everything. And then when that doesn't happen - we end up angry, bitter, and resentful.
And you know what? Chances are highly likely right now he is NOT sorry. And chances are highly likely he does NOT remember a lot of the hurtful things you describe. And chances are you may never receive true and sincere amends from him. He may never be able to give it. Yet you say you want to stay in this marriage - so how do you find your peace with that? See above paragraph...that's a start.
I thought the same things you did. I finally, after two months of some serious chaos as my RAH went into AA at my insistence, realized we had to separate. We can't live together. This is horrible for my teenagers to witness, my expectations were way too high, we were toxic to each other. We are still married and trying now to just be able to be in each other's company without biting the other's head off. We are both working our programs and focusing on ourselves. The marriage is NOT a priority right now and neither are my feelings - the priority is that he has maintained sobriety for just over 5 months now.
My husband drank for 25 years. He's been sober for 5 months. He has no idea how to cope with life without alcohol. It would be wrong for me to expect him to be able to cope with me and my feelings when he can barely cope with his own. I expect very little from him - that is the greatest gift I can give him right now. It is also the hardest thing I've had to do, because it was not what i wanted my life to look like.
But today - this is my reality. And today - I remain married and committed but living separately and really, not married in any sense of the word except on paper. Today I will face loneliness and resentments, but I have my program to turn to for support and tools to heal. And who knows what tomorrow brings? I am no longer worrying about it.
Good luck to you!
~T
http://www.peggyferguson.com/userfil...20Survival.pdf
The thing is - you have regular expectations that any wife would have, but you are expecting them from someone who is not "normal" - not yet. Alcoholism is insidious and just wrecks havoc on the brain. Your husband's brain is not functioning properly yet. Have you read "Under the Influence"? There are some excerpts on the alcoholism site here on SR. Another good good is , "Of Course You're Angry" by Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden. It describes anger for both the RA and the family affected by the disease. And, have you read any of the AA Big Book? Do you attend Al-Anon? Educating yourself about alcoholism as well as what to expect in recovery and what 12 step programs really "do" is most helpful.
What is not helpful is your anger and expectations. Oh how I hated to hear that. Because the anger and expectations are justified...right? Sure, but they make early recovery that much WORSE for the RA. It's very damaging. We (the spouses and families) tend to think rehab and/or 12 step programs are a magical cure. They'll go spend a few days/weeks/months and come home and be the person we knew and fell in love with. And they'll be so sorry for everything. And then when that doesn't happen - we end up angry, bitter, and resentful.
And you know what? Chances are highly likely right now he is NOT sorry. And chances are highly likely he does NOT remember a lot of the hurtful things you describe. And chances are you may never receive true and sincere amends from him. He may never be able to give it. Yet you say you want to stay in this marriage - so how do you find your peace with that? See above paragraph...that's a start.
I thought the same things you did. I finally, after two months of some serious chaos as my RAH went into AA at my insistence, realized we had to separate. We can't live together. This is horrible for my teenagers to witness, my expectations were way too high, we were toxic to each other. We are still married and trying now to just be able to be in each other's company without biting the other's head off. We are both working our programs and focusing on ourselves. The marriage is NOT a priority right now and neither are my feelings - the priority is that he has maintained sobriety for just over 5 months now.
My husband drank for 25 years. He's been sober for 5 months. He has no idea how to cope with life without alcohol. It would be wrong for me to expect him to be able to cope with me and my feelings when he can barely cope with his own. I expect very little from him - that is the greatest gift I can give him right now. It is also the hardest thing I've had to do, because it was not what i wanted my life to look like.
But today - this is my reality. And today - I remain married and committed but living separately and really, not married in any sense of the word except on paper. Today I will face loneliness and resentments, but I have my program to turn to for support and tools to heal. And who knows what tomorrow brings? I am no longer worrying about it.
Good luck to you!
~T
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