newnormal4me

So Ah and I are legally separated (I initiated), he has supervised visitation. Started Dec, final March. So, why am I still living in limbo?

I have made the steps with my head, but my heart just refuses to catch up. I truly KNOW what is best for me, which is completely separating myself from him and giving up on any notion that he will take steps to save himself, our marriage, and our family. He continues to blame me to others - justify his actions, etc. Of course, continues insisting to everyone he is clean from drugs (but not alcohol - doubt he'll ever be clean of that). But I don't believe any of it.

Over the past two weeks, I have distanced myself from him significantly due to some things he did that just forced me to stand my ground. He continues in his ways despite everything he is going through. At this point, he has nothing to offer me or our kids, no money, no help in any form. He refuses any notion of treatment. He still hangs out with the same friends. Barely works - seriously seems he is at that phase where he works odds and ends just to support his lifestyle (booze, cigs, pot and whatever else he wants). Forget saving for an apartment. Forget paying child support. His threats have been that he is done with me and wants to sell everything he was granted to buy a cheap place. Then save for a divorce so he can get kids 50/50 and not pay me a dime. Ridiculous.

Meanwhile, I was awarded the house. Still have yet to change the locks. Still have yet to pack his crap up and get it out. I am hanging on to stupid things, like his cell number, old bank account numbers. To me it is holding on to an old life that will never return. What the heck is wrong with me???

How on earth do I get over this hump? Why does my heart still long for him? Do I still really love him? What the heck is love anyway? I feel that getting him out of the home and supervised visits for the kids was in a sense a form of love...yet he calls it evil. I have been peaceful here and there. But lately just a wreck inside. No one really knows it. I usually cry alone. But I have been blowing up lately over other stuff that I know is related to this one big huge lingering issue in my life. I just can't friggin let go and it is killing me. I want a full, mostly happy, peaceful life. But everything is holding me back. Because of supervised, I am it for my kids. I have to do everything - work fulltime, mother, get on bus, pick up, clean, cook, homework, baths, bed daily. I have hardly any time for myself. I feel like I'm running ragged and getting about an inch ahead if I'm lucky! I am angry, so angry at him. Lately he has been pulling the promises to the kids to stop by and see then, then is a no show. He has started slacking on calling them nightly. It is crushing me. Not only that it makes an anger rise up in me. It's disgusting that people let there kids go like that. Oh, he talks a darn good talk...just loves them, misses them, can't stand life without them, the usually blah, blah, blah. I know WE are probably doomed, it just kills me to think the kids are next.

To top it off, we have been together forever - 20 total years counting dating - and life without him (even if without the chaos, which is awesome) is emply, sad and lonely. I seriously HATE my life right now. And it should be some of the best days for my kids growing up...I should be enjoying this time.

Someone please, please help me before I implode!!!!!

Francismcan

I hear that you are going through a lot.
Have you ever thought about going to AlAnon?

tam

newnormal4me, you will get through this, one day at a time. I was married 27 years,been seperated for 16 months and final divorce next week.
I will be honest to say I have and will always have feelings for him, heck
Im only human and we were together a long time..yeah there were bad
times,but there were good times as well. I have feelings for the person I married not the person he became,
Its okay to cry, its okay to be angry, its okay to be sad, but its also okay
to laugh, have fun, have peace in your life, its okay to move on without him,
remember they chose this not us.
dont let him get you down, ignore his nonsense, once you do this (which
I finally did thanks to this forum) things will subside, you will find peace
and you will see your recovery more and more, but the important key here
is ignore his craziness.

I too cant imagine life without him, but I have no choice because I chose
not to live with addiction.

the past 16 months have been ruff, holding down the house, paying the bills, he doesnt work, doesnt contribute..same ole story like you..it was a struggle
but you will get closure, it will end..just keep taking care of yourself and your children, seek support, maybe even a therapist (highly recommend) and have hope and have faith in your HP that you will be okay, because we will survive..

newnormal4me

Thanks so much everyone. I do appreciate the thoughts.

I so wish I could seek alanon, but right now my only option is to find a possible weekend meeting on every other weekend, or a lunch based meeting (which I haven't been able to find near me). I have gone to alanon, and also celebrate recovery. My evenings are really precious as far as time and staying on top of kid's stuff, etc. Maybe someday soon I'll be able to connect there again.

Tam, thanks. I do have a therapist I used to see, but my copay for insurance makes it impossible to see her right now. Oh, how I would love to. Money is tighter than it has ever been for me! But I hope I can cut back enough to squeeze one session a month maybe. I shall see. I do feel I need to talk to someone. She knows my history as I saw her for over a year 5 years ago, then briefly two years ago. Yep, been dealing with this crud for far too long.

Anvil, I think you need to write one of those little books for alanon, LOL! You can call it "Analogies for the Desperately Codependent". It makes so much sense what you say...dang it why do I want to cling to the stinking rail still. I will sink for sure.

Maybe this is a phase in the process of letting go...at least for me anyway it appears to be a dreadfully LONG process with many phases. Here's to hoping that the light will shine one day...SOON.