I don't know what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 4
I don't know what to do
Hi all
I've been reading through these boards this morning - lots of good advice! Sooo.... here's my very long story cut as short as possible!
I started dating XBF in March 2010. In May 2010 he went on his first alcoholic bender. Then July, then August. In August it lasted 2 weeks and he was hospitalised three times. He committed to getting sober and stayed that way until we broke up, for other reasons, 2 weeks short of his 6 months sober in February.
After a bit of a **** time we resolved to stay friends, and are still very close, but I know we won't be getting back together (again, there are reasons other than his alcoholism). I still love him very much and care about him deeply, but I can't be his girlfriend. I'm not sure whether this line is so clear for him, although I know he has been involved with other people since we split up. Am not sure what he wants, but think I have made it clear that he hurt me and all i can offer is friendship.
ANYWAY, on 7 March he started a very mild bender (by his standards) that lasted about a week. He has since had very little work and injured his shoulder so he can't train for his sport (which he spends most of his time doing). On Sunday I spoke to him and said I couldn't come over and see him because I was busy, and by Monday he was back on a full blown and what looks like a very nasty bender.... I am assuming at this stage that it may have started with a few drinks out on Saturday night.
I saw him Monday night, but there was little point because he was out of it most of the time, and when he realised who I was, he just wanted to hug me
I left him be yesterday and the only contact I had was with his relatively new housemate, who called me because he didn't know how to deal with it. I was determined not to go over though. I am no longer his girlfriend and besides not being my responsibility, i find it incredibly painful. I very much wish things had worked out differently, and having him tell me he loves me etc is crap. Especially because I know it's just alcohol talking.
Today I am sitting at work (not very much to do here at the moment!) and he called, just before lunch, begging me to come over. In tears. My heart just broke. I told him that I couldn't, although I came pretty close to packing up for the day and heading over there. He was pleading and sounded AWFUL. I told him that I would come round after work but that he needed to stay sober and his response was "how am I supposed to do that?" He hung up but rang me back 5 minutes later, just begging. Of course I bawled my eyes out and feel horrible, but am not really sure what would have been achieved by me going over. If he can't stay sober without me there, I doubt he would have with me there.
I don't know what to do after work... I told him I would call him and that I want him to answer. I didn't threaten and say if you don't answer I'm not coming, because I know that threatening him in that state achieves nothing. But that's what I meant. So, when I call him, and he doesn't answer... which I know already he won't, because a bottle of vodka and whatever else he can lay his hands on will have been consumed by then.... do I go anyway? Just to check on him? And to check on his housemate? Just as an act of kindness. I know his housemate is there if he gets to a point where he needs to go to hospital, but I am not sure his housemate feels comfortable making that call.
Or am I just letting myself in for more hell?
I KNOW that the right answer in terms of my future mental health is to not go, because if I become involved it does kind of bring up the whole issue of our relationship again. BUT, in terms of my current mental health, where the worry will keep me up all night, I think I would be better off just popping in. And I am sure his housemate would appreciate the support.
AARGHH
I've been reading through these boards this morning - lots of good advice! Sooo.... here's my very long story cut as short as possible!
I started dating XBF in March 2010. In May 2010 he went on his first alcoholic bender. Then July, then August. In August it lasted 2 weeks and he was hospitalised three times. He committed to getting sober and stayed that way until we broke up, for other reasons, 2 weeks short of his 6 months sober in February.
After a bit of a **** time we resolved to stay friends, and are still very close, but I know we won't be getting back together (again, there are reasons other than his alcoholism). I still love him very much and care about him deeply, but I can't be his girlfriend. I'm not sure whether this line is so clear for him, although I know he has been involved with other people since we split up. Am not sure what he wants, but think I have made it clear that he hurt me and all i can offer is friendship.
ANYWAY, on 7 March he started a very mild bender (by his standards) that lasted about a week. He has since had very little work and injured his shoulder so he can't train for his sport (which he spends most of his time doing). On Sunday I spoke to him and said I couldn't come over and see him because I was busy, and by Monday he was back on a full blown and what looks like a very nasty bender.... I am assuming at this stage that it may have started with a few drinks out on Saturday night.
I saw him Monday night, but there was little point because he was out of it most of the time, and when he realised who I was, he just wanted to hug me
I left him be yesterday and the only contact I had was with his relatively new housemate, who called me because he didn't know how to deal with it. I was determined not to go over though. I am no longer his girlfriend and besides not being my responsibility, i find it incredibly painful. I very much wish things had worked out differently, and having him tell me he loves me etc is crap. Especially because I know it's just alcohol talking.Today I am sitting at work (not very much to do here at the moment!) and he called, just before lunch, begging me to come over. In tears. My heart just broke. I told him that I couldn't, although I came pretty close to packing up for the day and heading over there. He was pleading and sounded AWFUL. I told him that I would come round after work but that he needed to stay sober and his response was "how am I supposed to do that?" He hung up but rang me back 5 minutes later, just begging. Of course I bawled my eyes out and feel horrible, but am not really sure what would have been achieved by me going over. If he can't stay sober without me there, I doubt he would have with me there.
I don't know what to do after work... I told him I would call him and that I want him to answer. I didn't threaten and say if you don't answer I'm not coming, because I know that threatening him in that state achieves nothing. But that's what I meant. So, when I call him, and he doesn't answer... which I know already he won't, because a bottle of vodka and whatever else he can lay his hands on will have been consumed by then.... do I go anyway? Just to check on him? And to check on his housemate? Just as an act of kindness. I know his housemate is there if he gets to a point where he needs to go to hospital, but I am not sure his housemate feels comfortable making that call.
Or am I just letting myself in for more hell?
I KNOW that the right answer in terms of my future mental health is to not go, because if I become involved it does kind of bring up the whole issue of our relationship again. BUT, in terms of my current mental health, where the worry will keep me up all night, I think I would be better off just popping in. And I am sure his housemate would appreciate the support.
AARGHH
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 331
Hiya Arghh, I am sorry you are in such a dilemma I'm sure you know as well as I do, the best thing is to not go, but I think you have already made up your mind to go. The problem will not end tonight. How long are you going to take after him? When will you take care of yourself? You are definitely correct when you say it is best not to go for your mental health. The deeper you get involved the harder it will be to get out. I know you care for him but you need to set boundaries.
Take care
I'm sure you know as well as I do, the best thing is to not go, but I think you have already made up your mind to go. The problem will not end tonight. How long are you going to take after him? When will you take care of yourself? You are definitely correct when you say it is best not to go for your mental health. The deeper you get involved the harder it will be to get out. I know you care for him but you need to set boundaries.Take care
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
The idea that alcoholics take hostages seems appropriate here.
You can go! By all means! But at what cost?
This is an adult man. He's not a child. He CAN take responsibility for himself. He is not doing that, but that is not YOUR responsiblity.
You already know you can't save him from himself.
It hurts like hell and the risk is dire, or feels dire, but we each get to take our own risks in life.
This is an act of faith that he CAN make good choices and if he doesn't, you're not going to get him to.
It's time to think about YOU.
You know it messes with you to be on the merry go round.
It's time to make choices for what will be better in your life.
You have already said it's not good for you.
The hurdle is the people pleasing. Ugh.
I have two suggestions.
One, go get a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More.
Two, build the nurturing parent side of you that can call the little girl in you that feels guilty for abandoning him and doesn't want to be abandoned and comfort her.
It will take all your energy for you to comfort you through this.
Stick around.
p
You can go! By all means! But at what cost?
This is an adult man. He's not a child. He CAN take responsibility for himself. He is not doing that, but that is not YOUR responsiblity.
You already know you can't save him from himself.
It hurts like hell and the risk is dire, or feels dire, but we each get to take our own risks in life.
This is an act of faith that he CAN make good choices and if he doesn't, you're not going to get him to.
It's time to think about YOU.
You know it messes with you to be on the merry go round.
It's time to make choices for what will be better in your life.
You have already said it's not good for you.
The hurdle is the people pleasing. Ugh.
I have two suggestions.
One, go get a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More.
Two, build the nurturing parent side of you that can call the little girl in you that feels guilty for abandoning him and doesn't want to be abandoned and comfort her.
It will take all your energy for you to comfort you through this.
Stick around.
p
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Aaaaargh...what an appropriate nickname, considering your situation.
If you want my honest opinion, you're setting yourself up for more drama. You are not this man's mother, nor his sponsor, nor his doctor. What good can come of your visiting him? I imagine that there will be drunken quacking, maybe some tears, and then what? What will your continued contact with this man solve?
He's a grown man (and so are his roomies). If he wants to get help, he can find it himself. Salvation Army has a great (free) program. AA is also free.
IMO, it's time to release yourself from the burden you've placed on your shoulders and cut contact with this person.
If you want my honest opinion, you're setting yourself up for more drama. You are not this man's mother, nor his sponsor, nor his doctor. What good can come of your visiting him? I imagine that there will be drunken quacking, maybe some tears, and then what? What will your continued contact with this man solve?
He's a grown man (and so are his roomies). If he wants to get help, he can find it himself. Salvation Army has a great (free) program. AA is also free.
IMO, it's time to release yourself from the burden you've placed on your shoulders and cut contact with this person.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
arghh,
WELCOME to soberrecovery. This is the place for to while you struggle with your emotions, and decision.
For me, the thing that most helped me to unhook, was the smart people on this board telling me (and others) that my involvement was not helping.
You running over to comfort, save, protect, educate, or whatever, will ultimately not really help him in the long run, and it will hurt you FOR SURE.
Think about what reacting to his drama might entail, and play that out just a little. Yes, you can go to his aid, yes, you can feel good about being a kind and concerned person. But....then what? What changes? For you....for him?
WELCOME to soberrecovery. This is the place for to while you struggle with your emotions, and decision.
For me, the thing that most helped me to unhook, was the smart people on this board telling me (and others) that my involvement was not helping.
You running over to comfort, save, protect, educate, or whatever, will ultimately not really help him in the long run, and it will hurt you FOR SURE.
Think about what reacting to his drama might entail, and play that out just a little. Yes, you can go to his aid, yes, you can feel good about being a kind and concerned person. But....then what? What changes? For you....for him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 4
Thanks for all your replies. I find it amazing that you are all out there willing to write to me and help me out when you don't even know me. Thank you 
Of course I went round (I am in Australia btw so it is the next morning here now). I rang him when I got home, no answer, so I went and bought some groceries, did some exercise... but by the end of that my anxiety levels were so high that I just decided I had to go round, otherwise I wouldn't sleep.
He is better(ish). I think he must have run out of money for vodka because it looked like he had been drinking wine, so he was relatively coherent and, from past experiences, I think he should probably stop today. That made me feel better, to know that it's nearly over. Now is when the anger starts. This is why I KNOW that you are right, nodaybut2day, when you say I should cut contact. It's SO HARD though. We do have a great time together when he's sober, but my love for him is so mixed up with so much anger. And it's really selfish anger, about how, once he's got through the bender, he doesn't even remotely appreciate what he puts me (or anyone else) through. I am still angry about the fact that, when I got a really terrible flu last winter he was "too busy" to even visit me, let alone look after me. This has codependence written all over it, right? :/ oh dear.
Sooo.... we'll see what happens now. But i really appreciate your advice and will refer back to it, and to all the other threads on here, when I'm feeling uncertain
Of course I went round (I am in Australia btw so it is the next morning here now). I rang him when I got home, no answer, so I went and bought some groceries, did some exercise... but by the end of that my anxiety levels were so high that I just decided I had to go round, otherwise I wouldn't sleep.
He is better(ish). I think he must have run out of money for vodka because it looked like he had been drinking wine, so he was relatively coherent and, from past experiences, I think he should probably stop today. That made me feel better, to know that it's nearly over. Now is when the anger starts. This is why I KNOW that you are right, nodaybut2day, when you say I should cut contact. It's SO HARD though. We do have a great time together when he's sober, but my love for him is so mixed up with so much anger. And it's really selfish anger, about how, once he's got through the bender, he doesn't even remotely appreciate what he puts me (or anyone else) through. I am still angry about the fact that, when I got a really terrible flu last winter he was "too busy" to even visit me, let alone look after me. This has codependence written all over it, right? :/ oh dear.
Sooo.... we'll see what happens now. But i really appreciate your advice and will refer back to it, and to all the other threads on here, when I'm feeling uncertain
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
once he's got through the bender, he doesn't even remotely appreciate what he puts me (or anyone else) through. I am still angry about the fact that, when I got a really terrible flu last winter he was "too busy" to even visit me, let alone look after me. This has codependence written all over it, right? :/ oh dear.
Of course his behavior doesn't seem fair, given what he puts you through, but for an active alcoholic, it is perfectly normal and should be expected. I hope you can find your happiness and peacefulness from within. He cannot provide that, no one else can. Take care of you. It's all you can do that will ever really make a difference in your life.
Sending positive thoughts and strength your way, I know this is hard. But we are all worth it
Of course his behavior doesn't seem fair, given what he puts you through, but for an active alcoholic, it is perfectly normal and should be expected. I hope you can find your happiness and peacefulness from within. He cannot provide that, no one else can. Take care of you. It's all you can do that will ever really make a difference in your life.
Sending positive thoughts and strength your way, I know this is hard. But we are all worth it
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by arghh 
I am still angry about the fact that, when I got a really terrible flu last winter he was "too busy" to even visit me, let alone look after me. This has codependence written all over it, right? :/ oh dear.
We, as humans, have an indelible need to belong, and to feel needed as well as to need. This is part of our DNA.
We are social creatures.
When someone treats you as though you aren't important, of course it feels bad. When your value is totally wrapped up in how someone else sees you or treats you, now that's a different story.
I understand, I understand.
When my xabf was becoming an x, I knew he was down. I had just told him I couldn't "do this" any longer. His worker called me about something, and she reported that he was very depressed.
I couldn't stand it. After texts that got no reply, I went to his house. I needed to know he was still alive. I put my arms around him, and he around me. I got the fix I was desperately seeking - that I was needed. But there is healthy need, and sick need.
But it is only temporary. Til the next crisis, if that's the pattern.
I could only exit from that cycle when I exited from his life.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
If you can't sleep because of someone else's behavior
and their behavior is dysfunctional
then you have set up a situation for yourself
where there is drama.
You have control over that.
Going over anyway, even though it will be dramatic
then being resentful that he was on a bender
is you hurting you. Not him hurting you.
I understand why (all of the above)
and I know it sucks
but you have choices here.
If you want to stay his nursemaid, YOU CAN!!
Please do.
But to do so and then be resentful...
When I am resentful
it is a message to me that I am not setting boundaries
that need to be set.
SO, I think you DON'T want to be his nursemaid.
And if that is so, you have that false voice
saying you will absolutely fall apart if you don't go and help.
That is the voice alanon can help you with
(and this board)
because you won't fall apart if you treat him like an adult
and let him make his own choices
and let him bear the responsibility for his chosen actions.
You won't.
But you have to believe it.
And be your OWN nursemaid and SELF SOOTHE
when the ADDICTIVE feelings arise
and you're desperate to go and help and save and fix.
And if you want him to quit
You are asking him to do the same thing I am suggesting you do here.
FIGHT the addiction to go (which for you is wanting to manage another adult's life).
It's a addiction coming from love and based in good intent...
but it's an addiction nonetheless!
You CAN sleep if he makes stupid choices and you're not there.
To do that means you would have to DETACH far enough
to not ALLOW him to have such a control over your life.
JUST IMAGINE how peaceful life could be
If YOU decided when to sleep
and not his bender schedule!
Look for Alanon in your area; it can really help.
and their behavior is dysfunctional
then you have set up a situation for yourself
where there is drama.
You have control over that.
Going over anyway, even though it will be dramatic
then being resentful that he was on a bender
is you hurting you. Not him hurting you.
I understand why (all of the above)
and I know it sucks
but you have choices here.
If you want to stay his nursemaid, YOU CAN!!
Please do.
But to do so and then be resentful...
When I am resentful
it is a message to me that I am not setting boundaries
that need to be set.
SO, I think you DON'T want to be his nursemaid.
And if that is so, you have that false voice
saying you will absolutely fall apart if you don't go and help.
That is the voice alanon can help you with
(and this board)
because you won't fall apart if you treat him like an adult
and let him make his own choices
and let him bear the responsibility for his chosen actions.
You won't.
But you have to believe it.
And be your OWN nursemaid and SELF SOOTHE
when the ADDICTIVE feelings arise
and you're desperate to go and help and save and fix.
And if you want him to quit
You are asking him to do the same thing I am suggesting you do here.
FIGHT the addiction to go (which for you is wanting to manage another adult's life).
It's a addiction coming from love and based in good intent...
but it's an addiction nonetheless!
You CAN sleep if he makes stupid choices and you're not there.
To do that means you would have to DETACH far enough
to not ALLOW him to have such a control over your life.
JUST IMAGINE how peaceful life could be
If YOU decided when to sleep
and not his bender schedule!
Look for Alanon in your area; it can really help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 4
it seems i no longer have the choice.
he went out and got drunk, got on a scooter, smashed in to a pole and smashed his poor suffering brain to pieces.
i have just come home from the hospital. the doctor says there is no hope. he is still "alive" and he still looks like my boy, with one side of his face a bit broken, but they tell me his brain is not working very much and will get worse over the next few days.
.............
........................
now i cannot sleep.
he went out and got drunk, got on a scooter, smashed in to a pole and smashed his poor suffering brain to pieces.
i have just come home from the hospital. the doctor says there is no hope. he is still "alive" and he still looks like my boy, with one side of his face a bit broken, but they tell me his brain is not working very much and will get worse over the next few days.
.............
........................
now i cannot sleep.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 4
He died at 4pm yesterday. All I can say is that, even though he was drunk I am SO GLAD i saw him the night before.
His poor suffering soul is at peace now. Thank you so much for all your kind messages. I don't know how my life is going to be without him, but I guess I will find out.
I wish you all the best with all your individual problems and worries. I just want you to remember that, even though real life gets complicated, if you love someone you need to let them know. Even if you can't do certain things for them, that's ok - but make sure they know that you love them. My boy knew that I loved him and that's what matters to me most, if I can't change the world.
His poor suffering soul is at peace now. Thank you so much for all your kind messages. I don't know how my life is going to be without him, but I guess I will find out.
I wish you all the best with all your individual problems and worries. I just want you to remember that, even though real life gets complicated, if you love someone you need to let them know. Even if you can't do certain things for them, that's ok - but make sure they know that you love them. My boy knew that I loved him and that's what matters to me most, if I can't change the world.
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