lillamy

why RAXH has been acting erratic and volatile and like a handgrenade lately. You're all going to be absolutely flabbergasted to know that after going through rehab and checking out of the follow-up treatment after 1/10th of the recommended time period and then putting in so many hours in the office that he didn't have time to go to meetings anymore or stay in touch with his sponsor or his pastor... he started drinking again.

Yes, I know. Shocking.

I am almost bothered by how little I care. Or, how little I would care if it didn't mean we now have to go through the spiel with custody investigators and hearings and the whole kit & kaboodle and spend all the money I had saved on lawyers.

I'm probably an awful person but he would simplify so much for everyone involved if he would just drop dead. Seriously.

Ladybug0130

I could write the same post right now. Just letting you know you aren't alone!

pixilation

During dark periods, I do often think "What if a semi jack-knifes in front of AH on his way to work" or something else equally morbid. I think about how much easier it would all be.

Tuffgirl

Yeah - same here! And we don't have kids together...just be easier, nonetheless.

So sorry, lillamy.

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry, Lillamy. I don't think you're awful at all. Of course, that maybe because I know that feeling of 'it'd be so much easier if.....' ;p

BobbyJ

It's a crazy feeling....How angry we can actually feel?

I never thought I had it in me...

And to think once upon a time my husband who was drunk, passed out,
fell off a chair, cut his head open on the corner of the hutch,
he layed there in a blood, gasping for air
and it took me 2 or 3 hours, before I decided to call 911....

But yet, I cry if I "almost" hit a squirrel in the road...

(HUGS TO YOU)

GettingBy

aw Lillamy...

I'm so glad you posted this because it's a reality check for me. It keeps my feet back on the ground as I move through the divorce process. There are NO guarantees in life, and even IF (and that's a big fat IF), my AH decided to get into recovery (not gonna happen b/c he has a death grip on the bottle!)... the relapses and chaos are always hanging out there.

Funny, I was struggling a bit this morning... starting to slip out of reality and think, "Maybe we could just legally seperate, then he could get into recovery, and we could save our marriage." I am grieving the death of our marriage. I don't want it to die. But your post reminded me, that if I stay... I would just be prolonging the pain.

There's no end to this life... we have kids too... so even if I don't have to live directly with him... he's not going away.

That's freakin' depressing if I spend too much time thinking about it.... time to go to my happy place.

lillamy

Reading today (One Day at a Time, June 5): "It takes a lot of courage to resist the temptation to take over the alcoholic's responsibilities, until we accept the fact that we are only hindering his recovery by doing so."

And Bobby, anger, I think, isn't always a bad thing. Anger helps me see that what that quote says is true -- that every time I bail him out is a time he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions is a time I rob him of an opportunity to learn and grow.

I am sad. I do have to admit that. I thought he was stubborn enough to beat the odds. Cared enough about his children to beat the odds. No matter how divorced we are, it is heartbreaking to see a person choose destruction this way.

One book I read about alcoholics (forget the title, it's in a box somewhere) talked about how alcoholics tend to write scripts for their lives, and then make reality conform to the script. Like, if you've written a part for yourself where the world is out to get you and you are always the unfairly treated victim (as seems to be common for As), you observe and notice when things happen that verify or confirm that. Post office lady snooty? Yup, personal. And you overlook things that would seem to go against that. Because when things are like you have determined they are, you can relax. All's well with the world.

I think right now, my RAXH is forcing events in order to feel that, that all's well. And it appears his script says "I will not die of old age because the world's evil is forcing me to soothe my pain-of-Biblical-proportions with alcohol. It's not my fault, I was born hyper-sensitive and the world is just too much for me to handle."

And when I type his attitude out, it makes me angry. Because you know what? Not only doesn't anybody here come out alive -- not a single person here goes through life without hurts and wounds and pain. As far as I know, 30 years in jail didn't make Nelson Mandela an alcoholic. My coworker who witnessed her father beat her mother to death isn't an alcoholic (her two siblings are, though). As much as I can have compassion with people's pain, I can not have compassion with drinking as a solution to that pain. I can not have compassion with a solution to any person's pain that multiplies that pain exponentially and spreads it to the people s/he supposedly loves.

Sorry, that was just my rant this morning. I'm pretty much in hell, very needy and very, very lonely. And can't get to a meeting today.

PrettyinPink

Oh GOSH, so I'm not the only one with evil thoughts!

A few years ago, during a horribly embarrassing incident when my husband passed out in a hotel bathtub and flooded several rooms with the overflow, I have to admit that when I found him, a tiny part of me was disappointed that his head was resting on the side of the tub and not under the water!

wanttobehealthy

I have thought this too... My AH is soooo stubborn and soooo smart and I thought that when he said (for the millionth) time he was taking recovery seriously that he would use that tenacity to do what he had to so that his kids could have a different life than he did, so he could have a different life than his father, so that our marriage could be what we went into marriage intending it to be. But he just wants to spend all that stubborness and will power to rationalize and view the world in a way that fits the script he has running in his mind...

Sad just scratches the surface of what I feel.

Oh and for the death wish-- last weekend I didn't go upstairs to check to see if AH was alive or not (after he slept for most of the day and I began to wonder) bc I thought to myself that if he WAS alive, my going up there might wake him and I didn't want him awake and interfering with the nice day I was having with the girls without him around.

Shellcrusher

You're not alone with those negative thoughts, lilliamy. I've wished bad things on my AW too.