What have I done? Can this be salvaged?
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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I am in love with an addict. I have known him my whole life. (Its a long story but I'll spare you all the details at once). We didn't see each other for 7 years. Then he came back into my life about 9 months ago and explained that he had pushed me away because he had just started using crack and was a crack addict, but that now he was in recovery and would like to get to know me again. We ended up taking the relationship in a romantic direction for the first time ever, and that was exciting to me and I wondered where it would go, and then he relapsed. I didn't understand what had happened and didn't know what to do. I told him after a few weeks of watching him on this downward spiral that I couldn't stand to see him like that and that I wouldn't be around for him to take advantage of my feelings for him. (he had started to ask me for money). So he went away and didn't speak to me for 4 months, which really hurt.
He contacted me in February. Just when I'd given up on him, and said he'd been clean for a month. He said he wanted to be friends with me, but that we had to just be friends right now because he couldn't start a relationship while he was working on his recovery. I didn't like that, but I told him I respected it. He moved in with me. Which was in retrospect not a good decision on either of our parts, but honestly I just wanted the opportunity to spend time with him and I really did want to help him, and I wanted to build a foundation for a future relationship with him. He slept on my couch. I pouted sometimes about why can't we touch why can't we be together, but I wanted him to get better so I respected his boundaries. He told me that sex=relapse, so I backed off.
He fixed things around the house. He was going to NA 5 days a week. He invited me to go to the open meetings, but I balked. I thought that if he wasn't committed to a relationship with me then I shouldn't get too invested in him. I really didn't see the big picture at all. I didn't understand addiction. I was afraid he'd leave again so I tried to keep my emotional distance.
Well after about a month of living together, I noticed that he was starting to act differently. I think once he got those paychecks in his hand it was too much temptation. The problem is that I knew he was using heavily again and I didn't ask him to leave like I had said I would. I told myself he'd just made a mistake, or had a bad day, or whatever and that it would all be alright. He had stopped going to his NA meetings because of his work hours, but I knew that he was choosing his hours at work. I really put myself in denial. I even sat on the couch with him one night and asked him if buying into illusions was harmful and his response was simply to tell me that he was happy. :/ I just did nothing.
Some really heavy things happened that I don't want to get into--too personal--but things beyond our control. Then a week later after that, March 27 he got arrested for shoplifting. I was devastated. He called me to bail him out and I told him I couldn't. I had/have all these bad feelings. I blame myself for not knowing how to be a better support, for having my own selfish agenda, for not knowing anything about addiction or drugs. I'm mad at him for not telling me the truth and for using. Above all I miss him.
He wrote me a letter telling me that he misses me and that when he gets out he would agree to move our relationship further if I still want to, but that he understands if I don't. I wrote him back and said that I would like to build a relationship with him based on trust and mutual respect, because I do really love him, but only if he is really ready to stop using drugs and to start telling me the truth. I said that if he isn't ready to make the choice to not use drugs again then to please save me the heartache and tell me that he just isn't ready for that and I will help him pack up his things and take them to wherever he needs to go. I'm still waiting for a reply.
I don't know what he's going to say. My friends/family all think I'm crazy for even considering giving him another chance. They say that I already tried and HE blew it, but I honestly feel like I didn't really try. I was selfishly focused on what I wanted from him, (him to love me/want to be with me) instead of what he needed to get better. He tried to explain to me at least 20 times the nature of addiction and I still just kept trying to act like he was a normal healthy person. Looking back I see how he tried to talk to me about how he was relapsing and I refused to hear him. I feel like such an idiot now, but I just honestly didn't really GET IT at all. I fight my demons with optimism and positive thinking, but in this case that kind of positive thinking was poison. My love for him was poison to him. This is the weirdest most complicated thing....being in love with an addict. What do you suggest I read or do so that I can not make these mistakes again and actually be a REAL FRIEND to him? I appreciate any advice or being pointed in the right direction.
sorry its still so long
He contacted me in February. Just when I'd given up on him, and said he'd been clean for a month. He said he wanted to be friends with me, but that we had to just be friends right now because he couldn't start a relationship while he was working on his recovery. I didn't like that, but I told him I respected it. He moved in with me. Which was in retrospect not a good decision on either of our parts, but honestly I just wanted the opportunity to spend time with him and I really did want to help him, and I wanted to build a foundation for a future relationship with him. He slept on my couch. I pouted sometimes about why can't we touch why can't we be together, but I wanted him to get better so I respected his boundaries. He told me that sex=relapse, so I backed off.
He fixed things around the house. He was going to NA 5 days a week. He invited me to go to the open meetings, but I balked. I thought that if he wasn't committed to a relationship with me then I shouldn't get too invested in him. I really didn't see the big picture at all. I didn't understand addiction. I was afraid he'd leave again so I tried to keep my emotional distance.
Well after about a month of living together, I noticed that he was starting to act differently. I think once he got those paychecks in his hand it was too much temptation. The problem is that I knew he was using heavily again and I didn't ask him to leave like I had said I would. I told myself he'd just made a mistake, or had a bad day, or whatever and that it would all be alright. He had stopped going to his NA meetings because of his work hours, but I knew that he was choosing his hours at work. I really put myself in denial. I even sat on the couch with him one night and asked him if buying into illusions was harmful and his response was simply to tell me that he was happy. :/ I just did nothing.
Some really heavy things happened that I don't want to get into--too personal--but things beyond our control. Then a week later after that, March 27 he got arrested for shoplifting. I was devastated. He called me to bail him out and I told him I couldn't. I had/have all these bad feelings. I blame myself for not knowing how to be a better support, for having my own selfish agenda, for not knowing anything about addiction or drugs. I'm mad at him for not telling me the truth and for using. Above all I miss him.
He wrote me a letter telling me that he misses me and that when he gets out he would agree to move our relationship further if I still want to, but that he understands if I don't. I wrote him back and said that I would like to build a relationship with him based on trust and mutual respect, because I do really love him, but only if he is really ready to stop using drugs and to start telling me the truth. I said that if he isn't ready to make the choice to not use drugs again then to please save me the heartache and tell me that he just isn't ready for that and I will help him pack up his things and take them to wherever he needs to go. I'm still waiting for a reply.
I don't know what he's going to say. My friends/family all think I'm crazy for even considering giving him another chance. They say that I already tried and HE blew it, but I honestly feel like I didn't really try. I was selfishly focused on what I wanted from him, (him to love me/want to be with me) instead of what he needed to get better. He tried to explain to me at least 20 times the nature of addiction and I still just kept trying to act like he was a normal healthy person. Looking back I see how he tried to talk to me about how he was relapsing and I refused to hear him. I feel like such an idiot now, but I just honestly didn't really GET IT at all. I fight my demons with optimism and positive thinking, but in this case that kind of positive thinking was poison. My love for him was poison to him. This is the weirdest most complicated thing....being in love with an addict. What do you suggest I read or do so that I can not make these mistakes again and actually be a REAL FRIEND to him? I appreciate any advice or being pointed in the right direction.sorry its still so long
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 9
Thank you so much for replying and for the link. I am reading it now. He told me to give him a year and I thought he was just being ridiculous. I really thought he could just decide to be better and that would be all it would take. It wass hard for me to understand that such a wonderful and intelligent man would do such stupid stuff, but there he sits in jail...proof that its not that easy.
It wass hard for me to understand that such a wonderful and intelligent man would do such stupid stuff, but there he sits in jail...proof that its not that easy.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
The only thing you've done is love someone who is very unstable due to his addiction. Period.
Your love isn't poison.
Love didn't cause his relapse.
Positive thinking isn't poison.
Wanting him to return the love is NOT a selfish agenda.
You are more of a friend to him than you'll ever know. Probably one of the few out there (if any are left) and he isn't stupid. That is why he kept you within reach.
I learned all this on my own when I was feeling the same things you did during the 'BF's relapse. When we are co-dependent, we think we have some almighty powers that influence the addict. We don't.
It was your love vs. love for the drug and guess what won... the drugs. I am not oversimplfying it. It is that clear.
Addiction isn't ours (the non addict) to master in terms of understanding. We can only understand ourselves and our reactions to the addict. You are taking blame for something that had NOTHING at all to do with you sweetie.
He let his recovery fall by the wayside and relapsed. His recovery was his to control. It had nothing to do with you. If you get this part and understand then yes, you probably can be a real friend.
If you are expecting him to accept the love you have for him, it won't ever compete with the drugs. Only if he is in solid recovery will he start to have some capacity to accept all the wonderful things you tried.
You did more than enough.
Your love isn't poison.
Love didn't cause his relapse.
Positive thinking isn't poison.
Wanting him to return the love is NOT a selfish agenda.
You are more of a friend to him than you'll ever know. Probably one of the few out there (if any are left) and he isn't stupid. That is why he kept you within reach.
I learned all this on my own when I was feeling the same things you did during the 'BF's relapse. When we are co-dependent, we think we have some almighty powers that influence the addict. We don't.
It was your love vs. love for the drug and guess what won... the drugs. I am not oversimplfying it. It is that clear.
Addiction isn't ours (the non addict) to master in terms of understanding. We can only understand ourselves and our reactions to the addict. You are taking blame for something that had NOTHING at all to do with you sweetie.
He let his recovery fall by the wayside and relapsed. His recovery was his to control. It had nothing to do with you. If you get this part and understand then yes, you probably can be a real friend.
If you are expecting him to accept the love you have for him, it won't ever compete with the drugs. Only if he is in solid recovery will he start to have some capacity to accept all the wonderful things you tried.
You did more than enough.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 9
I'm wiping the tears away. Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that. I just don't know what to do next. I don't want to make him move out, but if thats the best thing for him then I do want to do it even though it really sucks.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
You do what is best for YOU. Try to take the focus off of him.
Do what will bring you peace and sanity. Let him figure out what is best for him. You said he was wonderful and talented, well this is his chance to prove it in terms of taking recovery seriously.
Take it day by day and try not to let your emotions get the better of how you deserve to be treated while he is in this.
What happens is, when they are up, we are up. When they are down, we get down. That is not healthy. If you keep the focus on yourself, there is less opportunity for that to happen.
Do what will bring you peace and sanity. Let him figure out what is best for him. You said he was wonderful and talented, well this is his chance to prove it in terms of taking recovery seriously.
Take it day by day and try not to let your emotions get the better of how you deserve to be treated while he is in this.
What happens is, when they are up, we are up. When they are down, we get down. That is not healthy. If you keep the focus on yourself, there is less opportunity for that to happen.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by cristalyn 
I'm wiping the tears away. Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that. I just don't know what to do next. I don't want to make him move out, but if thats the best thing for him then I do want to do it even though it really sucks.
babyblue, thanks for your reply, perfect timing, amazing how we often forget things.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Sometimes the best thing to do for an addict is to step away. It feels counterintuitive but really, the best thing for them in the long run is to know that if they are using that you won't participate in their life. I've never been addicted to a substance (other than food....) so I really don't understand how pervasive the compulsion is to use. But from what I understand....it overwhelms everything...even thoughts of wanting to get clean and doing the right thing. Anything that allows that to continue (like staying on someone's couch) only contributes to the problem.
My husband was an active crack user when we got involved. Like you, we had known each other for most of our lives. I had no idea that he was using crack, didn't understand the difference between cocaine and crack, and certainly did not understand the ins and outs of recovery, relapse, etc.
What I know now is that love is not enough to get someone clean - or keep them clean. It's an inside job that they have to do for themselves. Nothing that you do or don't do will get him clean or make him use. It can be alluring to believe that we have that sort of power but we just don't. It's true what they say....you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Simply said, the one thing that actually has even a remote chance of making a difference in his life is you having good boundaries and taking care of yourself. It means loving yourself enough not to want someone in active addiction in your life. Even someone that is trying to get clean....once he has a year of recovery then you can begin to get the know the "new" person.
My husband "clean" is a different man than the one that I fell in love with - in some ways I actually like the addict him better (except for the using of course!). But.....I am also a different woman now after going through this for 7 years. We now have almost nothing in common and pretty much co-exist. The deep, crazy, all consuming/amazing love that we shared was an illusion....fostered by co-dependency. I never would have believed that this would be the case....but while he was in drug haze, I was in a love haze. We have both gotten better but our relationship was not built on the right things. We built a relationship on his getting sober, his issues, and his problems. So co-dependent of me!
Asking him to move might not feel like the best thing but it really is best for him to figure this out on his own. He has proven to you that he is at risk for relapse and you never know when things will escalate into something even worse than you have imagined. Crack is a nasty nasty drug. It's tough to get away from....as long as he has a soft place to land he is not going to face what he needs to face to get clean.
I don't know if you have any Naranon meetings in your town. They are a wonderful place to go...not to learn how to help an addict or live with one...but how to learn to value yourself and to detach with love from another person.
Glad that you found this site. We certainly are a group that understands....
My husband was an active crack user when we got involved. Like you, we had known each other for most of our lives. I had no idea that he was using crack, didn't understand the difference between cocaine and crack, and certainly did not understand the ins and outs of recovery, relapse, etc.
What I know now is that love is not enough to get someone clean - or keep them clean. It's an inside job that they have to do for themselves. Nothing that you do or don't do will get him clean or make him use. It can be alluring to believe that we have that sort of power but we just don't. It's true what they say....you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Simply said, the one thing that actually has even a remote chance of making a difference in his life is you having good boundaries and taking care of yourself. It means loving yourself enough not to want someone in active addiction in your life. Even someone that is trying to get clean....once he has a year of recovery then you can begin to get the know the "new" person.
My husband "clean" is a different man than the one that I fell in love with - in some ways I actually like the addict him better (except for the using of course!). But.....I am also a different woman now after going through this for 7 years. We now have almost nothing in common and pretty much co-exist. The deep, crazy, all consuming/amazing love that we shared was an illusion....fostered by co-dependency. I never would have believed that this would be the case....but while he was in drug haze, I was in a love haze. We have both gotten better but our relationship was not built on the right things. We built a relationship on his getting sober, his issues, and his problems. So co-dependent of me!
Asking him to move might not feel like the best thing but it really is best for him to figure this out on his own. He has proven to you that he is at risk for relapse and you never know when things will escalate into something even worse than you have imagined. Crack is a nasty nasty drug. It's tough to get away from....as long as he has a soft place to land he is not going to face what he needs to face to get clean.
I don't know if you have any Naranon meetings in your town. They are a wonderful place to go...not to learn how to help an addict or live with one...but how to learn to value yourself and to detach with love from another person.
Glad that you found this site. We certainly are a group that understands....
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by cristalyn
He wrote me a letter telling me that he misses me and that when he gets out he would agree to move our relationship further if I still want to, but that he understands if I don't. I wrote him back and said that I would like to build a relationship with him based on trust and mutual respect, because I do really love him, but only if he is really ready to stop using drugs and to start telling me the truth. I said that if he isn't ready to make the choice to not use drugs again then to please save me the heartache and tell me that he just isn't ready for that and I will help him pack up his things and take them to wherever he needs to go. I'm still waiting for a reply. I don't know what he's going to say. My friends/family all think I'm crazy for even considering giving him another chance. They say that I already tried and HE blew it, but I honestly feel like I didn't really try. I was selfishly focused on what I wanted from him, (him to love me/want to be with me) instead of what he needed to get better. He tried to explain to me at least 20 times the nature of addiction and I still just kept trying to act like he was a normal healthy person. Looking back I see how he tried to talk to me about how he was relapsing and I refused to hear him. I feel like such an idiot now, but I just honestly didn't really GET IT at all. I fight my demons with optimism and positive thinking, but in this case that kind of positive thinking was poison. My love for him was poison to him. This is the weirdest most complicated thing....being in love with an addict. What do you suggest I read or do so that I can not make these mistakes again and actually be a REAL FRIEND to him? I appreciate any advice or being pointed in the right direction.
I don't know what he's going to say. My friends/family all think I'm crazy for even considering giving him another chance. They say that I already tried and HE blew it, but I honestly feel like I didn't really try. I was selfishly focused on what I wanted from him, (him to love me/want to be with me) instead of what he needed to get better. He tried to explain to me at least 20 times the nature of addiction and I still just kept trying to act like he was a normal healthy person. Looking back I see how he tried to talk to me about how he was relapsing and I refused to hear him. I feel like such an idiot now, but I just honestly didn't really GET IT at all. I fight my demons with optimism and positive thinking, but in this case that kind of positive thinking was poison. My love for him was poison to him. This is the weirdest most complicated thing....being in love with an addict. What do you suggest I read or do so that I can not make these mistakes again and actually be a REAL FRIEND to him? I appreciate any advice or being pointed in the right direction.Member
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 9
If I point him in the direction of the Salvation Army program do you think he could go to that even though he has to pay child support? He has to have some kind of job and pay some child support or he'll go back to jail for that. I know he's not my responsibility, but I hate to just say ok move out and good luck and not at least have some good advice about where he can go or what he can do for himself if he chooses to. I know he feels like its hopeless. He told me before that if it wasn't for me he would have just robbed a bank and played cards in prison for the rest of his life. Which was a really manipulative thing to say I realized. I looked at him like he had two heads. I also looked at him like he was insane when he called me his angel and said I'd saved his life. I know better than that crap. I was like blinkblinkblink "i dont know what to say to that." *uncomfortable look* I don't fall for the ********, but I want so badly for him to be real and actually change his life.
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If I point him in the direction of the Salvation Army program do you think he could go to that even though he has to pay child support?
That would be between him and the SA. If he doesn't pay his child support and ends up back in jail that is also his consequences for his actions. The more 'consequences' he gets to experience, the more likely some where down the road he will actually seek recovery for himself.
J M H O
Please keep focused on YOU, and please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
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