japabp2000

My husband is an addict/alcoholic. His DOC being hydrocodone (sp?). His second crack. Anyway, my question is this...how do you deal with the anger towards the dealers? I know that the dealers didn't twist his arm..it was/is his choice, but still. If I knew I wouldn't put MY life in jeopardy, I'd turn them in. Crazy, but that's how I feel. Any thoughts on this?

tam

its not crazy, its completely normal to feel that and want to do that. I called my ah dr.numerous times threatening to report him etc..etc..it was worthless and all it did was cause me more anger. wasted energy is what it was
I still think of these thoughts but dont react to it and just get through it, because as you know it wont change anything, addicts will just find another dealer,dr.or bar..

hang in there, take a deep breathe

japabp2000

Thanks Anvil, that's true. I just wish I could keep from snarling at them every time we drive down the road and they wave like they are his best friend..makes me sick.

japabp2000

Thanks Tam..I have threatened too..over the phone. They laughed, they know I'm not really going to do anything. They have heard it before I'm sure.

Kindeyes

I understand the anger toward dealers but I have to agree with Anvilhead here. They wouldn't be in business if there weren't people buying. The very sad thing is......I would venture to guess that some of us (maybe even me) have loved ones who are the dealers.

We just never know.

I hate drugs.

gentle hugs
ke

japabp2000

It sucks..I hate drugs too. I know for sure I have at least 2 family members who are dealers.."small time" dealers, but still. And yes, they have sold to my husband, and for that I do not speak to them anymore. Again, I know it's not their fault, but you'd think they would at least have a teeny ounce of respect for their niece to not sell to her husband.

hello-kitty

Sometimes we focus on other peoples issues to take our focus off our issues. If we blame the drug dealers for our problems or spend our energy being angry at them, we don't have to focus on ourselves and what we can do to make the situation better for ourselves and our children.

Do you have any boundaries about the kind of behavior you will and will not accept around you and your child?

A good boundary to correct the problem you have with seeing drug dealers wave at your husband might be:

"I will not go into areas where drug dealers frequent. I will find another route"

or

"I will not ride in a car with someone who I suspect is buying drugs. I will find another way to get to my destination."

...This may be an especially critical boundary since your husband's car license plate may be known to under cover cops in the area. If he's well known to the drug dealers in the area, theres a good chance he's being watched by the police.

EJG123

I have threatened a few of dealers and they could have cared less. However, I know that two of these dealers were arrested and one died of an overdose. They were all under the age of 20.

milo88

Yes, I hate 'em too. But most of them are scary people that don't seem to have the normal human traits - like caring about another human being. It would be great if you could dob them in without inveigling yourself further into that world, but I don't think that's possible.
It's a horrible thing to feel, hatred. I wish I didn't feel it, but I do too. I know most of them have their own problems with drugs, so I try to also wish them recovery and see them as suffering as well, because they surely must be. But still, to me it's a further step down to be a dealer.

japabp2000

Yes, you are right Anvil. I guess taking it personally is something my family members who sold to my husband didn't expect me to do. I remember my husbands first bout with crack and when he came "clean", he told me (at my request) the guy who sold it to him. My response was "BUT he has kids!!" AH just looked at me and said "Yeah, I never thought about that till now." Thanks for your reply!

Hello-kitty, well, I have set boundaries. I refuse to go anywhere near a drug dealers house or territory. But our area is so small that you pass them on the road most of the time, or bump into them at the local grocery store. We have to get out of this area. Oh, and we don't have any children thank God. If so, I think (may be wrong) I would have left a long long time ago. Thanks for your reply!

Thanks EJG & Milo!

(((((Hugs)))))

Babyblue

I live in a very urban area. There are some pretty tough neighborhoods farther west of me. And North of me is one of the richest counties in the U.S.

Folks from that county come down to this area to buy drugs. That is who is keeping the dealers in business. The dealers don't advertise on t.v. so the super wealthy folks know exactly where to go and exactly what they are doing.

How some high school drop out dealer who grew up in poverty (as are these dealers) can be responsible for the actions of the folks in the BMW's sort of speaks to my point.

I think your anger is trying to find an outlet because looking deeper into your loved ones actions is perhaps too painful. I can understand that. The whole rotten world of addiction sucks.

keepinon

Other people will to this day blame my RAD's boyfriend for "getting her into drugs' and "ruining her life" I came to realize it was a choice she made..and if it wasn't him it would be some other loser ..because that's where her head was at..if it's not one dealer, another will pop up..it's the addicts choice whether or not to continue in thier disease..and my daughter sold real and fake drugs too..only to people who wanted them..never to some little old chuch lady doing her a favor!
Hello Kitty nailed it..when it's too painful to look at our own stuff we get angry at those "other' people who cause us problems..I got alot betterwhen I took the focus off all of that and worked the steps..

outtolunch

Same here, on my end. No one did this to my daughter. She was curious. She thought she could control it until it controlled her.

Impurrfect

I agree with ((Anvil)). The dealers that I bought dope from were raised in that environment..they didn't KNOW anything else.

It's not a justification, just a fact. I've had one, who I still hear from (ONLY to tell me how proud he is of me, and to keep doing what I'm doing and "stay away from that ****") tell me he wished he could "do like you..get a real job and get my life together".

Thing is, I'm working for just over minimum wage..he's making at least $1000/day, has felonies and just hasn't gotten tired of the consequences to get out of the business. I spent enough, in dope, that I could have paid cash for a really nice house.

If any of my dope boys got locked up, there were several others around to "serve me".

I understand getting angry with them, but it really is a waste of energy. They do what they do, A's do what they do, and we codies do what we do. The more I've worked on MY recovery, the less I pay attention to all the dope boys I see, all over the place. I no longer live in the town I used in, but I can spot a dealer/A in a heartbeat. I say a "thank you, I no longer live that life" prayer, and keep on my merry way

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

sojourner

I wish we lived in a society where selling to a minor had the same legal ramifications as sexual abuse of a minor - picture in the paper, all over the news, have to report where they live so neighbors can know who is living in the neighborhood, etc. How many of our beloved addicts were introduced to drugs/alcohol as teenagers, and now their brains/bodies have finished developing with chemicals in their system at the same time - I'm thinking that's really got to intensity the addiction - kind of like when a baby in utero is introduced to drugs by her mother drinking/drugging while pregnant. Selling to minors is what really breaks my heart and gets my goat.

booboo626

I called my AB's dr. They didn't take me serious. But when I later threatened to have them turned in for over prescribing (as my AB got 3 scripts in 6 weeks) they took me serious and dumped him. The dr was still turn in though.

I have also threatened to of his small dealers turned in...... worked for awhile. And although they returned it gave a little peace and quiet.

I realize in the end it isn't the dealers, it is my AB. And I have turned him in. No jail time - but he got a year probation and a record. Wasn't enough to "hit bottom" for him..... but give him something to think about.

I know I would do it again - if the time came.

The dealer I am most angry with is AB's own mother. A 60+ year old who mails prescription pills to her son. Who provides money time and time again for him to get high. I have begged and pleaded with her. To no avail.

japabp2000

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I need Al-Anon in a major way, but there are absolutely no meetings close by. I guess I'll just have to stick to the online meetings and chat. Nothing like going in person though I'm sure. I'm going to try my hardest to not focus on the dealers...I know it's not their fault, they are just out to make money and I'm sure they will get caught sooner or later.

sojourner

My closest experience with drug dealers is when I was married to a drug addict years ago. His dealer of choice was his own brother. That brother (in his 20s) lived with his mother and father. The father was dying of cancer and knew something was up but was too sick and weak to deal with it. The mother just thought her son had a lot of friends because he was such an excellent son. Never mind that those friends came only to the back door and stayed only a few minutes. Never mind that the son had 3 locks on his closet door. Good grief, i figured it out just from short visits.

Sooo..., it turns out that this dealer's brother (my husband) and his sister all got involved in the drug selling to their "friends." So of 3 kids in that home, all 3 of them were involved. They grew up in a middle-class home in a town that did not have high crime or an inner-city. The school system had an excellent reputation, and tons of people moved to that city so their kids could go to school there. They were surrounded by people of integrity who modeled the right way to live. So drug dealers, just like addicts, come from all walks of life. Maybe because dealers are addicts themselves.

hello-kitty

My ex was a dealer. He did home delivers. He would tell me he was one of the good guys. He took care of his customers (according to him) because he didn't rip them off and they didn't have to go buy off the guys with guns on the street. Yep. One of the good ones - he was protecting his customers. Would try to control their drug use and make sure they slept once in a while. Didn't like it if they bought from other people because he was more of a "boutique" dealer. Exclusive. Sick. Problem - he did too much of his own product. Couldn't maintain. Ended up in prison. Got out. Tried to get clean. Couldn't stay clean. Couldn't handle a job. Couldn't handle dealing with life on lifes terms. Ended up back on drugs. Don't know what he's doing now.

NeglectedWife

Honestly I have texted/called every single dealer I have found in my husbands phone yelling screaming at them but its true he is seeking and they are making $ do u really think they care what his psychotic wife thinks/feels, absolutely not.
My real issue is with these shady doctors that prescribe these ridiculous amounts of opiates to people that obviously do not have an illness.
It's those doctors that I am most angry at.