worriedinLA

So if you read any of the posts I've written, you will know that my XW has an alcohol problem. She has her ups and downs and has certainly made my life very challenging at times. We finally divorced and I had a lawyer write a clause that takes into account any relapse or suspicion of her drinking while taking care of our daughter. We share custody of her 50/50. This past week, after my daughter's fifth birthday, the ex disappeared again. She didn't call our daughter on her birthday day and then made excuses as to why she couldn't picker her up on her scheduled days.

Then, this past Friday, she confessed that she relapsed and was heading to rehab. I was relieved that she wouldn't come over to my house expecting to pick up our daughter and have another ugly scene. I have practical questions about what happens now, such as do I have to pay child support since she's in rehab and temporary sole custody goes to me. She has to take urine alchohol tests after her discharge, so how does this work if she refuses since it's part of our agreement?

But my biggest concern is what I tell our daughter. She's five and misses her mom but at the same time has the attention span of a butterfly. I tried to talk to her and tell her the truth, such as "mommy is in a hospital because she was sick. She was doing unhealthy things to her body", but I don't know if she truly understands. I never want to hide the truth from her since kids are intuitive and I'm not sure what she has seen at her mom's house. What can I tell this beautiful child about her mom's condition?

hello-kitty

Don't overwhelm a 5 year old with scary details. There will be time enough for that when she gets older. What children mostly want to know is that they are loved and they are safe.

Mommy loves you very much, but she is sick and can't take care of you right now. But don't worry. I will always be here for you and I will always take care of you - no matter what.

Then give her lots of cuddles and use her five year old attention span to change the subject to something more pleasant.

wanttobehealthy

My D is 5 as well. My H is an alcoholic. My D is in therapy and her therapist gave she and I a book that's a little dated but still in publication and you can buy it on Amazon called: "My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has A Disease... It's a workbook for children of alcoholics and is written by kids talking about what it's like for them (there are pictures kids draw and narrations about what they are sad/confused etc... about. It talks about moms and dads being alcoholics as well as the non-alcoholic who also adds to the family chaos. It's a very honest book but doesn't demonize the alcoholic... It's actually very loving and kind...

The "author" is Claudia Black, PhD, MSW. Here's what it says on the front below the title. There's a picture drawn by a kid of some dominoes with a statement above written by the kid that says "Alcoholism is dominoes. The alcohol knocks down the alcoholic who knocks down everyone including themselves"... The kids whose pictures and words make up the book range from 6-14. In the Foreward the author says that she grew up in an alcoholic home and by age 6 knew all the "rules" (don't ask, don't tell etc...). Her message is that silence and saying nothing to kids about what's going on just creates confusion and fear and she implores parents to talk to their kids. It was really, really helpful to me as a Mom of two young girls (D3 and D5) and helped me talk to them about their dad's disease appropriately.

I would say that saying something is better than nothing bc it's amazing how much my 5 yr old knows/sees/realizes and I didn't realize any of it until I started talking to her honestly. They don't miss a thing. I say the sooner you talk to her the better.

Tell her Mom is sick and has a disease and reitterate that she loves your D very much but her disease sometimes makes her do things that hurt and it's okay to be hurt and to let Mom know how she feels. That kind of sums up the message of the book and the message my D's therapist has given to her and to me....

My heart goes out to you....

stacylove

I think what you are doing is right on. She is five and it is difficult for her to understand and comprehend what an addict/alcoholic is. I would do the same, tell her that mommy is putting thing in her body that make her sick. She loves you and she is trying to get better but it takes time.

Good Luck

Buffalo66

I have a six year old. He was five when his dad and I decided to talk to him more openly.

At that time, the phrasing was ," Daddy needs to go see some doctors to learn how to take better care of himself and learn how to be healthy. "

He is now recovering (term used loosely), but has panic attacks, erratic behavior.
We both agree its best that we keep contact between them to a minimum, as erratic behavior has a negative impact on a child with or without active use of alcohol.

My son told his counselor that he just gets really nervous when he does not know what is going to happen.

Counselor seems to think he does best with very clear statements.

"You will see daddy today. He is coming over, but he will not sleep over. I know you really miss him, but he cannot live here, now, because he is still learning how to be healthy for himself, and for you. So, you will see him today then he will go home after, and I will be here with you."

I frontload my son with timeframes. He just REALLY responds well to knowing what the heck his day is going to be like. (dont we all?)
This holds true for everyday life, but, also, and especially, its important if he is going to encounter his daddy.

I have tried to keep phone calls down to a minimum, and to keep from son if I see his dad, when he is asleep or at school, because he is smart enough to wonder why I can see his daddy, but he cant, and I do NOT want him filling in any blanks with self attack, about why his dad cant be around him.

I try to be as clear as possible, but not to introduce overly adult ideas to him. I tried that before, and he was telling his school bus driver that his dad was an alcoholic, etc...funny in a sitcom way, but not in real life.

HE relates well to the idea of his dad getting healthy, and learning how to work well with others.

That is what daddy is working on, and he still trusts him, because I tell him,

"lots of people big and small have things they need to get better at, and some people are really good at some things, too. Daddy is really good at making us laugh, but he is not that good at remembering to be on time, and things like that. He needs to learn how to take care of himself, and of you."

The limited contact with his dad has been really equalizing and healthy for my son, as well as counseling.

I am lucky in that his dad is not arguig and fighting to be around him when he is still not that well.

The counselor has impressed on me, and my son has actually said OUT LOUD at therapy, that he isnt really that worried about his dad, just that his mom gets so upset.

So, as they say, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, becuase you can do nothing for your child, if you are a mess who cant breathe.

Babyblue

Good suggestions here.

Also acknowledge her feelings about the situation (missing her mom for example). If you are comfortable with it, have her write mom a letter or draw a picture to send her or bring is she is allowed to visit. Not sure about the rehab place or mom's state but it would be great if mom could write her a letter as well.

Just some ideas.

BTW

I have a five year old (and a two year old) and I have taken the "daddy loves you but he is sick and can't take care of you right now approach." We've talked about drinking, and how some adults can drink alcohol safely (she sees other adults drinking, including me having a beer or glass of wine sometimes) and others can't. We've talked about what an alcoholic drink is vs other kinds of drinks. I'm always willing to talk about whatever she wants to talk about and whenever she wants to talk about it.

Still, despite the fact that she seems to really understand so much of this, sometimes she catches me off guard with "daddy's coming over to make us dinner tonight, right?" to which I said yes (he was doing a visitation in which I would be home in the other room). She said, "is he going to drink?" I said "no, he's not going to be drinking." Then she said "but what if he gets thirsty and wants a glass of milk?" So we again had the discussion about what alcohol is.

Another time she was sick with a stomach bug and was throwing up all weekend. She said "am I sick like daddy?" So we again had a discussion about different kinds of illnesses.

Keep an open line of communication. Don't assume that because you've said it once that the kids understand it, even if they seem to at the time.

She keeps pictures of me and her father on her dresser, some from our wedding. Bleh, I'm not a fan of that (we were officially divorced a couple months ago) but I want to be sure that she feels free to think of him however SHE wants to. I try to keep the focus on her and her little brother and what THEY need over what *I* need. I really want to ensure that she doesn't internalize anything and blame herself. Every day I hope that I'm doing and saying the right things. Trust your instincts!

Latte

The other posters here had the best advice I've heard in a long time in regards to your daughter.

As far as the other, contact your lawyer. They will be able to walk you through all of that and make sure you are doing what you should be doing.

Thank you for posting this. I really appreciate you asking that question and I appreciate the time others took to answer. There is so much wisdom here, it's unbelievable how many wonderful people come together on a daily basis to help the next person.

theuncertainty

I think one thing to remember is that it's going to be an ongoing, evolving discussion. Though not a constant one by any means.

I'd told DS, who is now 6yo, that his daddy was sick. DS surprised me recently by telling me and his counsellor that his daddy's all completely better now. This coincides with his father saying he went to a 30 day program and is cured - never had a problem. I was stunned. So additional information will be needed. I try to let DS know he can ask me anything and when he wants to talk, we can set aside time for just he and I.

worriedinLA

Thank you for the support everyone. My DD is doing well and naturally misses her mother and asks occasionally when her mom is going to feel better. I don't know the answer to that question myself so I tell her I don't know. I want both of us to visit her in rehab so she understands that her mother hasn't abandoned her and even though I would rather not visit the X in rehab, it's important my DD know that I care about both her and her mother.

The X has said a few things in brief talks and voicemails that leave me feeling...weird. I informed a mutual friend of ours that she was in rehab and this mutual friend called her at the rehab. The X asked her if she could bring DD to the rehab. And just now in the voice mail she just left me, she gave me options of having her sponsor pick up DD to take to the rehab, or even the man she had the affair that occurred when our marriage was imploding. The message just left a bad taste in my mouth. Am I being overly sensitive?

theuncertainty

No, you're most definitely not being overly sensitive.

I'd personally be inclined to say: Thank you, but no. I think it's important that I, as her father, be there to lend DD support/security in a new environment/location.

Your daughter is so young, the rehab environment, even if it's homey and non-clinical/hosiptal-ish looking, is going to be new to her, she'll need some one there to let her know she's not alone with this. Her mom is, honestly, not in a position to offer that to her right now.

theuncertainty

And to expand a bit more on Cynical One's note... I had told DS that his daddy is sick. XAH recently told DS that he's all better, no more sickness. DS piped up about it at his counselor's office. It took every ounce of self restraint to not scream in frustration.

Babyblue

Yeah they can be quite literal at that age. They also worry 'will I get sick too? will daddy get sick?'.

You can try 'mommy is in a place where they help grown-ups' She'll probably ask 'with what?' and you can simply say, 'to be better grown ups'. Sounds kind of silly but that kind of simple answer may work.

But you as your daughter's primary caregiver should be the one to take her to see mom so she feels safe and secure, if not you then someone she trusts a lot.

Maybe call the rehab place and consult with a counselor there about the best way to do this for a young child.

worriedinLA

I just had a frustrating phone call with XAW about our DD visiting her in rehab. She wanted her mom to pick her up and take her there. She was surprised that I wanted to take her there and then was adamant that she did not want me to bring her. She said that it would be akward since we aren't really friends.

Of course it's going to be awkward!

It's truly amazing that per the terms for our divorce that sole custody of our DD is mine, yet she wants to dictate how and when she sees our DD. I could feel my heart rate climbing, but I was steadfast in telling her that I need to go as well, for our DD'S sake more than mine. So she relented. We're going tomorrow. Wish me luck!

wanttobehealthy

Alcoholism is a disease and the literature I've found really great to help explain to my girls what's gone/going on (by Claudia Black) uses the word sick, so I have used the word sick with my girls but explain that sickness takes different forms. That said, I do worry about both girls taking the sick/better thing too literally and will be more cognizant now about how I use the term sick after reading some of the earlier posters thoughts...

AH has also (at the recommendation of the outpatient rehab program he's been in twice now) told the girls that he goes to classes (rehab) to learn to make better choices. That's been pretty good language to use with them too. That they understand bc that's how I/we talk to them about their behavior too. "Was that a good choice? What other choices could you have made? etc..." So, they understand the choice thing...

Maybe that would be something to try Worried in LA?