If a recovering A wanted to fix it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
If a recovering A wanted to fix it
Does a revoering A ever really want to fix there relationships or do they just want to get by?
I am in a fight with myself with what is right and what is wrong.
Do I love my A? I can't truly answer that I don't know if I know what true love is.
Do I want to leave my A? Yes but the children are holding me back, I guess as a mother you will do all to make them happy, and for the most part me and my A have a nice civil relationship
Do I want him to really try for us? Yes and then a huge no, cause I am scared crapless that he won't follow through (as most know they never do, I don't think his attempt at sobriety has changed that for him), so I have never tried either.
In anyones experience with a truly dedicated recovering alcoholic, has that person showed you (and how long did it take) that they were not only committed to sobriety but wanted a true loving committed relationship?
I am in a fight with myself with what is right and what is wrong.
Do I love my A? I can't truly answer that I don't know if I know what true love is.
Do I want to leave my A? Yes but the children are holding me back, I guess as a mother you will do all to make them happy, and for the most part me and my A have a nice civil relationship
Do I want him to really try for us? Yes and then a huge no, cause I am scared crapless that he won't follow through (as most know they never do, I don't think his attempt at sobriety has changed that for him), so I have never tried either.
In anyones experience with a truly dedicated recovering alcoholic, has that person showed you (and how long did it take) that they were not only committed to sobriety but wanted a true loving committed relationship?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,899
With all due respect, from your other post, it doesn't sound like your husband is truly dedicated to recovery. He has been drinking quite a bit in the recent past and it doesn't really sound like he is interested in stopping.
The first thing we must do is stop fooling ourselves that our addicts/alcoholics are in recovery when they aren't. What you want him to do is irrelevant. He is going to do whatever he wants and the only control you have is how much of it you will put up with. Staying with an alcoholic "for the children" is not good. No child deserves to be raised in a home with alcoholism. They deserve better and so do you.
The first thing we must do is stop fooling ourselves that our addicts/alcoholics are in recovery when they aren't. What you want him to do is irrelevant. He is going to do whatever he wants and the only control you have is how much of it you will put up with. Staying with an alcoholic "for the children" is not good. No child deserves to be raised in a home with alcoholism. They deserve better and so do you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
Thank you all. I know the answer for myself, but I thought maybe I was wrong, maybe I have handled things in the wrong fashion, maybe I should of been more of a support. (I hate being the fixer.) Now I guess I just need to get up the courage and face my biggest fear, the fear that I will have to devasate the children with a divorce, even though I know they will be okay in the long run. I've always tried to control things for say, and I let him take the reigns on this one, I left him choose to be better, I let him choose to go back, I let him choose to make us better. Now I know his choice and it just sucks. ( I knew it would be alcohol, it is why the better part of me didn't jump on the he "Quit Drinking") band wagon.
I know from many years that no one can tell you what to do, I guess a person sometimes just wants others to make the decision or tell them they are doing the right thing and I think that is what I am searching for. No one has been able to say, yep leave him, but has reconfirmed what I have been thinking, from there own personal experiences.
Thanks all!
I know from many years that no one can tell you what to do, I guess a person sometimes just wants others to make the decision or tell them they are doing the right thing and I think that is what I am searching for. No one has been able to say, yep leave him, but has reconfirmed what I have been thinking, from there own personal experiences.
Thanks all!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 103
Unfortunately, no one will tell you yes or no on whether to leave him ... Something I learned the hard way! We can only share experiences, not give life-changing advice. Even though I really think the codies in the group want to! Including me!
Sounds like our boats are similar ... Keeping you in my thoughts.
Sounds like our boats are similar ... Keeping you in my thoughts.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
HI, Married, Ive been watching your posts and threads...
In my opinion your husband is not in what we cal active recovery.
Not only is he not abstaining physically, it sounds like he is also exhibiting same behaviors.
I always suggest that you start making a very painfully honest list:
Part 1:
What you are willing to tolerate, but would rather not have to deal with in a marriage, or in THIS marriage.,.
Part 2:
What you are not willing to tolerate in your home, in your marriage, in your family, in front of your kids..etc. AT all. IN other words, what is dragging you down, making you lose yourself...
This can help you start getting an idea of how to make boundaries and what to make them about.
it takes practice, but, you can get clearer and clearer about them.
One big for instance, when my RAH came home from treatment, I had some things I knew would be difficult. I said, "If you are cranky, I can work with that, as long as we have a code word, for when you start feeling anxious..."
I had some things that I knew I would not live with. Any contact with other women, old lovers, bar girls, enablers, etc...
ANd one that had to be defined, because I did not even thinkI would have to deal with him on it:
I learned, through looking at my lists, and making boundaries, that
"I am not willing to wait at home for my man to come home from a bar for hours, while I am home with our son, whether that man is DRUNK or SOBER>"
maybe once a week, but.. a bar?! no.
I figured this boundary out, when he came home from rehab and started to go to the same bar every night, the bar he used to drink in, only he was abstaining...playing pool
I was uncomfortable with this. I did not see this as a sign of commitment to his recovery, but his choice is not MINE to make.
MINE is. So, I told him, "I am not willing to wait for you to come home every night, drunk, or sober. Thats not what I want in a relationship. "
He agreed to NOT do that, then continued to do it.
HE now lives in an apartment by himself, and is slowly figuring out that going to a bar is not on the path of recovery.
BUt, I dont have to sit at home, stew about it, hate it, explain it to my kid, resent him, or give into him, and live a life I dont want.
Sure I am alone now, but Id rather be, than deal with all that chaos. AND we are not in the process of divorcing.
I am in the process of LIVING LIFE, and he is learning how to be a sober adult.(one can hope...)
In my opinion your husband is not in what we cal active recovery.
Not only is he not abstaining physically, it sounds like he is also exhibiting same behaviors.
I always suggest that you start making a very painfully honest list:
Part 1:
What you are willing to tolerate, but would rather not have to deal with in a marriage, or in THIS marriage.,.
Part 2:
What you are not willing to tolerate in your home, in your marriage, in your family, in front of your kids..etc. AT all. IN other words, what is dragging you down, making you lose yourself...
This can help you start getting an idea of how to make boundaries and what to make them about.
it takes practice, but, you can get clearer and clearer about them.
One big for instance, when my RAH came home from treatment, I had some things I knew would be difficult. I said, "If you are cranky, I can work with that, as long as we have a code word, for when you start feeling anxious..."
I had some things that I knew I would not live with. Any contact with other women, old lovers, bar girls, enablers, etc...
ANd one that had to be defined, because I did not even thinkI would have to deal with him on it:
I learned, through looking at my lists, and making boundaries, that
"I am not willing to wait at home for my man to come home from a bar for hours, while I am home with our son, whether that man is DRUNK or SOBER>"
maybe once a week, but.. a bar?! no.
I figured this boundary out, when he came home from rehab and started to go to the same bar every night, the bar he used to drink in, only he was abstaining...playing pool
I was uncomfortable with this. I did not see this as a sign of commitment to his recovery, but his choice is not MINE to make.
MINE is. So, I told him, "I am not willing to wait for you to come home every night, drunk, or sober. Thats not what I want in a relationship. "
He agreed to NOT do that, then continued to do it.
HE now lives in an apartment by himself, and is slowly figuring out that going to a bar is not on the path of recovery.
BUt, I dont have to sit at home, stew about it, hate it, explain it to my kid, resent him, or give into him, and live a life I dont want.
Sure I am alone now, but Id rather be, than deal with all that chaos. AND we are not in the process of divorcing.
I am in the process of LIVING LIFE, and he is learning how to be a sober adult.(one can hope...)
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
One of the things you can do to help you make your decision is go do some reading here on the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum.
It is a real 'eye opener' on what living with an alcoholic parent can do to a child and how it is carried into adulthood.
There is counseling for children for a divorce. My sister had all four of hers in counseling for her divorce, and today they are pretty well adjusted adults who have a relationship of sorts with their father, but it is there choice, and they do not 'blame' their mother for the divorce.
Do some more reading, and writing. Buffalo 66 has some great suggestions.
Also, how about a "Pro/Con" list. Actually 2 of them. One for staying, one for going. Somehow, when we/I put these types of things on paper, where I can see them in black and white the 'swirling' thoughts in my head disappear and I can make a decision.
Hope the above helps a bit.
Love and hugs,
It is a real 'eye opener' on what living with an alcoholic parent can do to a child and how it is carried into adulthood.
There is counseling for children for a divorce. My sister had all four of hers in counseling for her divorce, and today they are pretty well adjusted adults who have a relationship of sorts with their father, but it is there choice, and they do not 'blame' their mother for the divorce.
Do some more reading, and writing. Buffalo 66 has some great suggestions.
Also, how about a "Pro/Con" list. Actually 2 of them. One for staying, one for going. Somehow, when we/I put these types of things on paper, where I can see them in black and white the 'swirling' thoughts in my head disappear and I can make a decision.
Hope the above helps a bit.
Love and hugs,
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