BobbyJ

Some of you know, that my "so called" RAH moved away (2,000 miles) after he relapsed from his 28 days in rehab.

We talked last night on the phone and he tells me..."You need to find serenity"...my thoughts: (Well yeah,no crap)...I have it living here... my thoughts: (Well yeah, you have no responsibilities and no recovery program)
I will pray for you: my thoughts (Great need all I can get).. You will never be happy until you find serenity: my thoughts (i agree and wish I had it all right now)

Is it just me? OR Did you find serenity right away?

How can he get it so fast?

He told me, that rehab taught him serenity right off the get go..

This kind of makes me wonder, if Im missing something or not working my steps correctly....

jamaicamecrazy

QUACK!

That is my reaction. Of course it is easy for him to tell you what you need. Reminds me of when my husband gave me a new age CD for Valentine's Day and told me he hoped it brought me peace which he knew I needed.

Of course at first I was grateful that he saw that and wished it for me. But lets get down to why I am not at peace? You are drinking more and more. You are being less and less of a partner. And I am pretty sure you are having an affair. AARGHHHH!

Serenity is a process. It takes many steps. The steps don't always work every time in my experience. I can do the same thing I did yesterday and it will not work so I have to try something else. There are triggers that are unexpected. There are set backs. There are days when serenity is elusive. There are times you can feel it no matter what is going on around you.

Part of achieving serenity is taking care of you and sticking to your boundaries. SO the next time he calls with a crisis or venting or whatever...just detach and tell him you are working on your serenity just as he suggested ...and hang up!

elleymae

Sometimes I think serentity is harder for codependents because we've lived our whole life in chaos, and did not self medicate. My whole life has been obsessive thoughts, so learning to do without that is so hard. Your mind is a hard thing to control....

strengthtobeone

I agree with Anvil. There are moments when, even through the craziness going on around you, you experience a calm clarity, and a simple awareness, which is what I feel as serenity. Since i started working steps in January, I actually NOTICE these moments and they give me something to work towards: Experiencing that more often.

But they are really fleeting right now, and I feel it and let it pass, and know that there will be more to come...

strengthtobeone

Sounds like he is implying he has attained "Serenity Enlightenment" or something. haha

RollTide

He's learned a new word and how to spell it. That's all.

Thumper

Quack Quack Quack.

To answer your question directly I felt a LOT of relief of no longer having to live my minute to minute life in the same house as an A. Relief at being able to move around my house without wondering where he was so I could avoid him, relief of a load of resentment for walking around him all the time. Relief at not having to hide $ etc. etc.

Serenity is a different thing and others explained it well and I'm still working on it.

brokenheartfool

Oh boy! I haven't heard them all yet, apparently!
So now, this man who is new to his program, if working it at all, is a master of serenity and your needs and is telling them to you, eh?
NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!

The truth. He is manipulating you to feel that you don't know how to take care of yourself, and find balance in life.
Sounds as if he took some words from rehab, and is now using those words as ammunition to hurt you.

Here's your serenity--because it's mine too--and everyone else's here--and I've found this magical thinking in finding serenity--magical only in its simplicity and common sense!
WHENEVER, someone says something manipulative, or says something that makes you feel badly about yourself, or makes you question yourself in a negative light such as this, they are doing you NO favors.
How I am finding my serenity--
DO NOT send me your pain, that's for you to work out on your own.
DO NOT try to make me feel pain, because I won't listen.
If you have anything to say to me, that is either venting your pain, or sending pain my way, I don't want to hear it...EVER.
If you want to send love my way, if you want to work out a problem between us by using love instead of pain, then I'll listen.This goes for EVERYBODY IN MY LIFE FROM NOW ON.
There. There's my serenity.

It's my new serenity boundary, and I'm sticking to it.

BobbyJ

WOW...Im glad I asked...I never thought of it as Quacking..

laurie6781

Oh really? Where was he, at the knee of the Dali Lama? roflmao

What a load of B.S.

He is QUACKING. He is trying to bring you down to his level.

When anyone and I do mean anyone is telling me what 'they think' are my flaws, I picture in my mind a big steel wall, very thick so that everything they are saying just bounces right back at them.

Don't let his QUACKING get to you (((((BobbyJ)))). You are growing and changing and he can sense it in your words, your attitudes and your actions and he is on 'attack'.

You are growing and changing, keep up the good work!

Love and hugs,

StarCat

Man oh man, that's a new one.
I will say, I have serenity more often than I used to.
But then again, even a second of serenity (total!) would have been an improvement, so that's not saying much!

You can't teach serenity.
It only comes after you start working on all the other stuff.
When you let go of all the panic, and control, and worrying, and truly let go...

I have discovered that when I work my way through bad reactions and feelings, serenity is what comes in and fills that space.
Without working on my other issues, there's no room for serenity.
Serenity isn't something you can do first, it just kinda comes when you're finally ready for it.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Tell him you have found "serenity" now that you are not living with an active A. He is throwing around his new buzz words. Try this next time he starts his recovery quacking:



This is why I have no interest if my AH gets into recovery anymore. I use to pray for him to get sober but somewhere along the line I realized that most RAH (not all) hand out more of the BS in a different way. I have no desire to live with the QUACKING regardless of it coming from a AH or RAH!!

Hoping that train out of CRAZYTOWN shows up soon. Just gotta sell this house first!! ALL ABOARD!

Alone22

LIKE IT! Thanks for sharing!

wanttobehealthy

He is FULL OF CRAP. I guess if he convinces you of this (the quacking about how together he is) he thinks it might make it true? The "I will pray for you" is a line I want to vomit when I hear (from A's or their enablers) bc my MIL has been telling me this for years and it's infuriating. To me what it means is: I have NO intention of looking at myself (her that is) so instead I will perch on my pedestal and pretend to dispense wisdom and act like I have it together. And I believed it for years. Now that I see it clearly it's just insane. Here's my advice. Hang up on him as soon as you hear "you need to..." I did that a few weeks ago with my A BIL as he began giving me advice about the therapy I needed.

Uhhh, he can't. Notice how he's lecturing you and telling you what to do instead of worrying about himself? Apparently he has taken the play book from my AH, MIL and BIL!

More crap. Hope he has boots-- he is wading DEEP in it!

GettingBy

For me... real true serenity took a long as$ time. I had, like others had mentioned, blips on the radar - which was cool because I saw them and thought, "Dang! That was SWEEET! I want MORE!"

I actually think I got CRAZIER in the first 3-4 months. It was bizarre... like all my feelings were suddenly validated, and I felt the need to share it with him (ie. explain to him how broken he was!)... boy, when I think about it now... I realize I was the one doing all the QUACKING!!

Tuffgirl

I agree with the other posters here - this is quacking, and he is trying to define your reality and your needs and how your life should look. Imagine where he'd be if only he'd invest that energy into his own life?!

I, too, have moments of serenity. It's not all the time, though. It's something I strive for. And I have also heard the very things you describe here...and I think its BS. Here's one to throw back at him the next time he starts quacking like this: Thanks but I don't need you to take my moral inventory. If he is in any kind of recovery, he'll know what that means.

Don't let this man define you, BobbyJ.

newby1961

:rotfxko you guys are too funny this morning.

My favorite "you can't teach serenity its not like a meatloaf recipe"

I think he has words mixed up he's probably more on a pink cloud so he better have his pink parachute ready cause when he falls off oh boy.

Serenity is something one has to work for IMO through prayer & meditation there are some fleeting moments of it in early sobriety but in my case like another poster I got plum loco 1st.

hang in there it sounds like you are in a more real place than he is.

BobbyJ

Well, heres the update: I talked to a lady here in town, that works at the rehab.
She said they do teach or help them find serenity there. In their terms, it means finding your higher power/God first...

She tells me in her sweet little tone of voice, that is probably what he meant. He has found God/higher power.

Damn...Today Im in a real pissey mood...over this..

Doesnt help when the phone has rang 8 times by friends and family
asking me, how are you doing,,,,what the hell are doing still married??

Move on, he is a loser, he has left you with all of the responsibilities
all of the bills of the homes & business...And he thinks you should have
serenity, while your STILL trying to clean up his mess....
He lives with family, They cook, clean, pack his lunch, cook his breakfast, do
his laundry for him, even change his sheets, buy all of his food, he pays no rent.
All he has to do is work, & wipe him self...UGGGG!


Then I have happy customers standing here looking at me and the business
phone is ringing off the wall.

Like Crynoak says...GOOD GOD!!!!!!!!!

GettingBy

Here's my thought on all the "well intended" support from my family/friends... "to send his a$$ packing." I know they mean well, and they care about me... but some of the support I get is contradictory to my program. So I am selective on how long I listen to their "advice"... particularly my mother.

I don't know if you have caller id... but it has saved me from so many prying conversations!! God bless the person that invented it. It's your own little Ignore button on the phone!! You don't HAVE to take those calls, and maybe letting a few go to voicemail might be better for you.

StarCat

I agree with GettingBy.

Something I have learned recently, "Take what you like and leave the rest" applies to more than just Al-Anon meetings!