sakura

Is he going to change if he believes that what he is doing isn't wrong?

He literally drinks beer in the car. After many many arguments (I am at the point of leaving him, it's been 10 years of second chances) he has agreed to stop, but he doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing.

I think that much like during the past 10 years, he will stop the behavior only to continue again when he feels I am pacified, or if he can find a way to hide it.

Obviously this is not the only example, just a recent one. Caught him red handed.

what do you think? I really need some help and support. I am at my wits end.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

You might do a little reading on the subject here-stickies at the top of this forum-there are also some good stickies on the subject of alcoholism at the top of the alcoholism forums.

suki44883

Chances are good that he isn't going to change behavior that he sees nothing wrong with. Even if he is dead wrong about it, he still won't stop doing something he sees as just fine and dandy.

You can't control him. He's going to do what he wants to do. The only person you can change is yourself and how you choose to deal with his actions.

kittykitty

Welcome! You'll find lots of great stuff here.

If he doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing, he will continue doing it. The fact that he is so inseparable from his beer that he insists on driving with it, well, that's quite a relationship. Never mind the fact that it is illegal. If he can't go for a twenty minute car ride without a beer, there's a bigger problem on the horizon.

More importantly, the best you can do for your safety is not ride in the car with him when he does it. Otherwise, there is not much anyone can do, unfortunately. Someone who doesn't see the harm in endangering themselves and the innocent lives of others is in some serious denial. I wouldn't want to be around when that s**t hits the fan.

GettingBy

the answer to your first question... Is a flat out NO. If you read through my posts, I have walked the exact road your on. My AH and I have been together for 10 years... The same song and dance. I'd get upset, scream and yell... Beg... Cry... Threaten. And he'd behave, only until he had too... And then he went right back to doing what he wanted to.

So, you're at your wits end... and want some support? Try Al-anon. It saved my life. It helped me realize that I can't control or cure my husbands drinking... And no matter what HE says, I damn well didn't cause it!

You've come to the right place. Keep posting because we understand where you are and care about you!

-Shannon

Ladybug0130

So true, I am discovering my AH of 10 years will "behave" for a little while when he is threatened with losing his family, loss of a job etc. but it doesn't last. I am now realizing my AH wants to drink more than he wants us. This kills me because he has the best kids in the world and they think he is wonderful.

Everyone will say you can't make him stop and it sounds so cliche but it's absolutely true. You can't do anything about his drinking. I am starting to get why they say you have to let God handle it and work on yourself in Al-anon. I have been trying for months to help my AH recover, I do everything he wants me to do to make life easier for him as he goes through rehab, etc. and it just doesn't matter one bit.

Please, go to Al-anon. Don't try to talk him into getting help, it will only make you nuts!

Eddiebuckle

Ten years of second chances to an alcoholic is pretty much a guarantee that he doesn't have to change to get what he wants. Check out alanon, and pick up a copy of Under The Influence to inform yourself where this is headed.

duqld1717

I believe that if a person is threatened with losing everything in life (family, friends, job, house) and they still do nothing to change their drinking and their behavior, then they are in fact too far gone to change. It is a losing battle and it's out of your hands. Who in their right mind would want to lose everything that matters in life over a drink?? If that isn't being an Alcoholic, then I don't know what is...?

atalose

Welcome sakura, tons of support here for you. As suggested, read all the stickies and look into al-anon in your area, that’s another good support group and your worth giving it a chance. Always remember that you don’t cause him to drink, you can’t control his drinking by threats and you can’t cure his drinking. He and he alone is the only one who has the power to stop and seek help to keep him stopped.
Hope you stick around ((hugs))

wanttobehealthy

Not only do I doubt an A will change if they don't think what they are doing is wrong, but even when they do know that what they are doing is wrong/harmful they still aren't likely to change. My AH has said he knows he's wrecking his life bc of his alcoholism but that awareness isn't reason enough to stop. Getting arrested and having the threat of losing his job wasn't enough to stop. Having his wife and kids leave wasn't reason enough to stop. Sitting with a realtor this morning talking about short sales and seeing the reality that I am not staying is not reason to stop. The only thing that will make an A stop from what I have been told, is THEIR internal desire or when they find that the pain of living as they are is greater than their fear of changing. I don't think it's all that different a process (of change) than it is for anyone caught in a bad situation or making bad choices. I'm not an A but I had an eating disorder for years and being hospitalized and having a feeding tube and being told I was going to die if I didn't get my act together wasn't reason enough to stop. Nothing was. It was only when I realized that my life really sucked as it was and I was tired of pretending it didn't that I decided to bite the bullet and do the hard work to get well. Sorry for the ramble...

So, long answer to your question I guess-- I actually used to think that once my AH went to AA and rehab and "understood" what he was doing to himself then he'd change. I figured for years that he didn't "realize" what he was doing to himself. The only one who was delusional during that time was me. Of course A's know that what they are doing is wrong. And it doesn't matter to them bc their addiction matters more.

coffeedrinker

sakura,

WELCOME to soberrecovery. I hope you feel you can find the support you desire on this site - it's here aplenty.

would he change if he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong?

i would maintain that he is behaving in ways that are in conflict with his value system. it's what they have to do to continue the life, the lie.

are you at a crossroads? are you evaluating something? how are you feeling?

duqld1717

I also wanted to add something from my own personal experience. My XABF was engaged to another woman a couple of years before he met me. They had their entire wedding planned. 2 months before the wedding, his fiance left him for another man and called the whole wedding off, apologized, and told him she couldn't deal with his drinking anymore and it was better that they parted ways. She just left. He claims he was so distraught about her leaving and calling the wedding off. Fast forward a few years later and he meets me. He claimed to fall in love with me and he wanted us to get married and have the wedding he never had the chance to have. You would think he would want to do things different this time and treat me better than he treated his ex fiance? You would think he would learn from all the mistakes he made with her? You would think he woudn't want the same thing to happen twice? NOPE. Drank uncontrollably, disrespected me, emotionally and physically abused me. Now I know why she left because it was the same story with me. I left him as well and he is still drinking. The point is they don't change. Not for anyone. Not even when their lives are in shambles. Not even when people leave them. He doesn't need you or anyone for that matter because he has his drink. Their addiction has too much control over their lives.

sakura

Thank you so much everyone. You are all really confirming my suspicions. I recently started attending CODA in my area, and reading up on codependent behavior. Once I recognized the pattern I began to try to correct my behavior, and here I am.

I have reconnected with my friends, I am doing things that I enjoy (figuring out what I enjoy), and in general just not neglecting myself.

I am very much at a crossroads. I don't believe that I want to stay with him anymore, but I am finding it difficult to leave. I am afraid to leave even though I have a lot of support, ya know?

I think that even though I am telling him that I want to work things out, I really don't. It's too late because I don't believe in him anymore, and I don't want to continue to be sucked in. I just seem to lack the courage to say that to him, because I don't know what will happen next.

duqld1717

I think the uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen next in your life is a much better feeling than knowing you are stuck in a dead end, sad, depressing, lonely relationship that won't be any better tomorrow or the next day or the next. The unknown can be exciting and can lead to better days.

Bolina

Welcome, sakura.

I chuckled at the "10 years of second chances". I would be surprised if there was a poster on here who didn't understand that.

What do you think you are afraid of if you leave?

eaglette

Sakura--

Welcome! I am new here too, and am also struggling with the addiction of loved ones. The most important thing I have learned by coming here is that I have to put ME first and deal with my own issues. Putting yourself first isn't selfish; it's more like establishing a foundation before you can build the rest of the house. If you already built a house and the foundation is unstable, you should probably work on fixing it before the whole thing collapses.

No; your husband will not change if he doesn't think what he is doing is wrong. Nothing you can say will change that. I stuck with my ex for seven years before I realized that. You cannot change anyone but yourself. Each person must find it within him or herself individually to do what is right for his or her life. You need to think about yourself. Hopefully you can start your own healing and emotional recovery.

Bolina, I love your quote! I have been feeling a lack of motivation today, and reading that was very inspiring.

sakura

Well, he is threatening to fight me for custody of our daughter, and I don't have a job, or car, and I am very concerned about being able to find a place to live that I will be able to afford with whatever job I might be able to find.

It's very overwhelming and I am still wrapping my head around the logistics.

He is making it easier on me though (not really), he doesn't want to work at the jobs he has right now (two part time jobs) so he wants me to get a job so he can quit one of his.

Maybe I can find something good enough to live off of?

wow1323

This thread just well, actually this site makes me remember how happy I am that I kicked my Aexb out!!!!!!

passionfruit

I second that motion.

passionfruit

I wanted to leave my first husband and wouldn't because I honestly believed I could not take care of myself. It took me 7 years to get the guts to try.

Guess what? I wound up making 60 grand a year.

Then I met AH no.2. Let him convince me I didn't need that job, bc we were okay financially. It was stressful and I didn't like it. So guess what I did? Quit.

Fast forward 2 years later. He is awful to say the least. Reached my breaking point and left on 6 hours notice. No job. No place to live. Again, I had stayed way too long because I believed I could not take care of myself.

I found my way. I have a job. I have a place to live.
.
Don't kid yourself. It was not easy, but I put the effort into it and made it.

I have examined my behavior and realized that if another person were to ask me, I would go to the ends of the earth to make something happen for them or help them succeed.

But when it comes to me.......guess what? I never went to those lengths for me.

Why the heck not? I deserve that same kind of attention/effort as anyone else does, actually more so because I am me? duh!!

For some reason, I have had to teach myself this. So now all the effort I have put into other people is going into me.

Guess what else? I will be great/successful because I am taking care of me now.

You can take care of yourself.. I promise you that.

You will find your way. Put your brain into you now and go be successful.