GettingBy

So, AH was served yesterday... And yet, I had a wonderful day. I didn't give it much thought at all. I picked the kids up from school, we went to a park, had a blast, ordered a pizza, and then had ice cream!

AH had a party to go to after work. He might drink, he might not. Instead of obsess and worry, I made a plan. If he comes home drunk, and instigates,i pack up kids and leave.

But, he came home early, and sober... And played with the kids and then went to bed. No drama, on either side. And because of my program,i was able to let go and be happy.

Again, this morning, he had out the papers and was reading them. He started to cry... And of course I felt bad, and had the urge to hug him and make it all better. But I didn't. I got up, walked out of the room and gave him privacy. I have my own pain to deal with, and that's mine not his. Same goes for him.

I love him,i really do... But divorcing and moving on is the right decision for me. I need to make sure my actions reflect that... And with the help of al-anon, I'm able to do so.

Thanks for letting me share.

ItsmeAlice

That most definitely is your recovery at work!!

Detachment is not about anger or resentment. It's about loving someone but still stepping back and letting them carry themselves forward and you doing the same.
It's about existing in the same space together but not existing for him and he for you.

You are achieving that remarkably and it's wonderful to hear about!

You are shining in this and your children will feel that from you. You and he are grieving the circumstances and yes they will feel that too but they will see you growing healthier and know in their hearts that it will all be okay.

Blessings to you!!

Alice

LexieCat

Good job!!

Yes, he needs his own space to grieve, and this is one thing you CANNOT help him with. It's OK to feel compassion for his feelings, but they are his own. Some things cause pain, even when they are necessary.

Proud of ya!

starlight40

So inspiring, Gettingby! Thank you for posting. You are at a level that I am now striving for. And everytime I read such a post it lets me know I will get there!

Bolina

That's fantastic, GettingBy!

Did anyone ever say to you "when you're done, you'll know"? They did to me and I had no clue what they were talking about. I thought I was done, but wasn't doing anything about it. Six months later......I was done. And I knew.

Alone22

Silly me I thought you were talking about his recovery, not yours. Such the codie I still am I guess. You are doing such a good job!

Maybe via all this he is finding recovery... that would be great too. If so, sad that it took all of this to make him want it.

GettingBy

you know what's funny? When I actually "saw" my post on the list... I thought the same thing! I thought, "oh dear, people are going to see this and expect a thread about As recovery!"

But you know what? It's probably better this way because it gets people reading... And then helps them, and ME, remember that it's OUR recovery that we are here for!



I'm so grateful to be able to share my experiences with you my cyber friends. It's taken me 6 yrs to get here. Some were active recovery others of those were idle... But I really threw myself into recovery full force... Only AFTER I hit MY bottom.

It's so important that we have patience with ourselves... All things happen on our HPs schedule.

I wish I could give you all a big giant hug...
:ghug3

GettingBy

Absolutely they did! And they are sooo right! What's funnier is that when you're done... And your priorities are in order.... It's seems so much easier/natural to detach. I find myself walking away and ignoring bait without a second (and sometimes first!) thought.

My serenity is priceless to me now. AH wanted to talk about how we were going to divvy up our "stuff" and I said I only cared about getting my family heirlooms, and the antiques I brought into the relationship... All the rest, he could have... It's no where near worth my peace and happiness!

GettingBy

So... We are having a good and peaceful weekend... The kids and me. We got up Saturday morning, had breakfast and played. AH got up, took them shopping for his nephew's birthday and was then heading out to his sisters house to deliver the present. I was a bit nervous bc he had told me that my SIL had told the boys (9 and 7!) that we were getting a divorce! Ack.. We haven't even talked to our own children! I told him I didn't think it was a good ideas for our kids to go out there (5 and 3) because what if the boys said something? Well, I let go because it was clear he wanted to spend time with the kids alone. I handed it over to God and said to myself... What will be, will be. If something gets said, that will be a bummer... But we will deal with it.

Off he and the kids went and then I went out to lunch with my folks. It was good to sit and talk to them. My Dad looked relieved as I talked. As we hugged goodbye he said, "I'm so proud of you! You are handling this so honorably and strong!" It was the moment I needed! Thank you HP!

AH came home, nothing was said to kids, thankfully, and he told me he was packing a bag and heading out of town to go spend a few days with his best friend. Wonderful for me and the kids!!!

We had a great afternoon and evening. They went to bed better than they have in weeks. Only one night terror (instead of the 4-5 s3 has been having!)... so I got a good night sleep.

There is peace in our house. The kids have asked about daddy, but they let it go and get back to playing.

We are going to be okay There will be sad days, and moments of frustration... But I will lean on my program, my friends, family, and you folks... And I will get through this.

kittykitty

I just think you are doing so awesome, with letting go of everything. Especially with the kids, dealing with things as they come, if they even come at all. Staying out of the way and letting things happen! I don't even know you, but I am so proud to read your story and see your progress on here, you give all of us inspiration that we can do the same thing.

Big hugs to you

japabp2000

You are doing great! I'm so very happy that you are doing this for you and your kids happiness and well being. ((((((Hugs)))))))

Eddiebuckle

GB,

Thank you for sharing. I know that this is a challenging time for you as an individual and a mother. I am from the other side of the story (sober, fortunately) and what occurred to me at my meeting this morning (topic was anger/resentment) was a carnival ride. You know the kiddie rides with cars, planes, and boats that have the steering wheels? Watching kids in there working those steering wheels like crazy with their imaginations taking them to God knows where... we all seem to do that at times. Its when we forget that our steering wheels are toys, only an illusion of control, that we get ourselves into the most trouble.

Seems to me you get that and are enjoying the ride none the less. Your father is right to be proud.

Tuffgirl

This is a great analogy! When I let go of the steering wheel - the ride becomes a lot more fun!

GB - I've been following your thread and think its awesome that you are finding peace in the midst of craziness and chaos. And enjoying your kids through it all. Because each day that goes by is a day lost to us parents. They do grow up so fast. Blink, and you are teaching them to drive. Blink again and they are getting married or going off to college. You only get this one chance to do it right - parenting - so keeping the focus on that is the best gift you can give yourself in your lifetime.

Keep it up - you are inspiring!

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

You sound great and a true inspiration of how recovery works. I am so glad that you and the girls are doing well. Keep it up and a big CONGRATS to YOU!!

:day6

Bolina

GettingBy, thank you for sharing what recovery can achieve. I love reading threads like this. It's like you have a big shield around you, with little holes in it so the good stuff can get through and the nasty, damaging stuff can't get out or in and is just deflected.

GettingBy

Good god... AH came home...

and the kids have come completely UNHINGED. If that isn't enough motivation to leave, I don't know what is. It's been 45 minutes since bed time and I've had to respond to tears/fears 5 times already!

The evening was drama free up til now. The only noticeable difference? AH had an air of arrogance about him. I suspect he spent the night drinking and laughing with his best friend. He's probably decided, "To hell with her! I'll find a replacement because I'm good enough and I'm smart enough, and dog gone it - people like me!" (Stuart Smalley for those SNL fans out there!) He was obnoxiously happy... it made me want to vomit on him!

We didn't really talk - just small talk - "How was your trip?" "Did the kids behave?" "Dinner's ready." So, that was fine.

But the ball is in his court right now. He's been served, and now he has to Answer. He did mention on Saturday that he's hiring an attorney so that's good.

Truth be told... I am a bit unsettled tonight. Can't pin point exactly what the issue is... just general unease. I hate games... and I'm in a BIG one right now.

wanttobehealthy

My AH slept until 1pm today (pretty sure he drank last night but am not thinking about it more than to say that here) and it was GREAT! Girls and I had a great day. Came back here 4:30 ish and the tension simply bc he was around was palpable. Girls are so much fussier, upset etc... just like you describe in your house when he's around.

You saying you're feeling a little unsettled yourself makes sense-- you had a few days (right?) without him around and now he's back... That'd make me unsettled too...

You're doing so great and I hope to be as strong and resolved as you soon!

japabp2000

:ghug3 I agree that if his coming home caused all that then that is a big ginormous reason to get out. Keep your head held high and don't let anything he says/does get to you sweetie. I hope you have a peaceful rest of the evening.
-Aimee

GettingBy

I think that's exactly it. I was so happy, joyous and free when he was gone. And he let me know he was back by sending me a text - "What time will the kids be home?" It made the hairs on my neck stand up.

I completely forgot to mention this before... he was teasing/instigating my daughter (5). Took her blanket, hid it at bed time, and was trying to get her riled up... and of course she screamed and cried because she's a child and she was tired. I gently scooped her up and said, "honey, don't react! take a deep breath and relax! Go brush your teeth!" He then KEPT baiting her! Ridiculous, but she didn't respond (I was sooo proud!). She just walked into her room and climbed into bed! He threw her blanket at her and said, "Fine. Here you go, you baby!" Really?!?!? So I went in to tuck her in and said, "Good job sweetie! When people tease us and we don't respond, they give up because it's no fun for them! I'm so proud of you!" She got a big grin on her face at that!

I'm so sick and tired of him. He's never going to change. Not while I'm around. He's too proud and arrogant. It's always been a power struggle between us.

I need to give some serious thought to how we might find separate housing while we work on the divorce.

P.S. I just re-read this and realized... "OMG... how sick is this situation that he would treat HER that way?!?! This man knows no limits to his torture." I need to get us out of here, fast.

sailorjohn

You're my hero. I wanna be just like you when I grow up!