allfiller08

Hi everyone, I've been a member for awhile but haven't been too involved so I hope i'm posting this in the right place. Sorry for my long post/rant, I'm really at a loss on how to handle things anymore... My boyfriend is, or was, a heroin addict for about 10 years. We have been together for 2 years. We met after he had 'kicked' the habit (for the most part). When we met, I didn't really understand or know a lot of what his problems were. He would use opiates (pain pills and anti-anxiety meds), not daily but at least a few times a week. He told me it was because of his anxiety.

After we moved in together I found out the whole story. He has been in rehab 3 times for a total of over 2 years in the last 10 years. He has also suffered from an anxiety disorder since he was 8, so he uses that as his 'reason' for starting opiates. He told me his addiction was in the past and he didn't need it anymore, but still he has his fun-time everyone once in awhile with some sort of opiate. He underplayed the severity of the situation so I didn't think it was too big of an issue. We made a deal to always be honest with eachother and if he was ever having trouble one day, that he would talk to me first. We built our relationship around this trust. I didn't know any better at the time.

After about 6 months of him just handling it how he wanted and me assuming it wasn't an issue I finally caught onto the fact that he is an addict that makes excuses. There were small things all the time, (him getting pain pills and saying he would only take 5, then take ten and say he didn't remember telling me he would only take 5.) There was always some grey-area he pulled out of his a$$ or some excuse why things never went as we originally discussed when it came to his fun-time. It was also the only time his memory was poor. I convinced him to get on suboxon and go to counseling, which he did for awhile until we moved out of state. After we moved, he said he was fine and didn't need it. For about a month, he was an emotional rollercoaster and then he had admitted to me that he needed help again. He wasn't using, but said that he had and that he lied about it to me. Now he is taking methadone and xanax.

The xanax he got by lying to a doctor about hand-pain before he started the methadone, but she gave him 3 months worth. I talked to the methadone counselor with him and she said to continue taking the xanax as perscribed until he sees another doctor. As perscribed is "as-needed" on the bottle. Every other time he has had free-run of medicine, he completely abuses it. So he promised me he would only take 2 a day and if there was a bad day, he would talk to me about him taking an extra one. He has been on this new kick of 'his recovery is about him and he doesn't want me controlling his recovery/medicine' So, I didn't micro-manage his xanax, like I used to (Or he would literally take 15+ a day) Well, today I found out that he abused them again. Not as bad as he used to, but he didn't stick to our deal and he didn't talk to me about it. We have had MANY conversations about this and we even go to couples counseling at his clinic. I know he wants to change and he makes many steps in that directions, just somehow, those same behaviors (lying, etc) are what he can't seem to kick. And he still had no self control. If ANY opiate besed drug is in the same room as him, he basically loses all self control and will abuse the hell out of it.


I'm frustrated and tired of trying to trust this man. I want to have a good life with him, but I just don't know what to do. He makes excuses and down-plays everything he does. He has improved a lot with his abusive drug behavors, but he still manages to break every promise he makes. I don't feel he is 100% into recovering either. I asked him to go to NA every week, he has gone once in three months and claims that it does nothing for him. He actually makes me feel bad for being upset about these things, like im damaging our relationship. (IE, tonight I found out he has been abusing the xanax, so I got upset and he said "Don't let this ruin our night" As if I'M the one ruining it). I have a 5 year old daughter (not his) that I need to focus on and his recovery is taking a lot out of me and I don't think I know how to be here for him. I'm not even sure what it is i'm supposed to be waiting for... I work two jobs and make 2/3 rds of our money and I have my daughter to take care of. He works fulltime (one job) for 1/2 the money I make (and he is college educated, not me) and plans to start working part-time to go to school again to better his life, while I continue to be stuck in the background (we can't both afford school, someone has to pay the rent) of this recovering addict who is wishy-washy and on a path that I don't think he's even figured out yet... Sorry, I am becoming pretty bitter too...

ANY advice would be GREATLY appreciated! Thanks for reading my long rant...

Chino

Until he fully commits to recovery, you might as well bang your head against the wall with couples counseling.

If you want to stay with him, please work the recovery program you wish he would (find an Alanon or Naranon meeting).

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....although you have been a member for a while, I see that this is your first post so we have not had the opportunity for formally welcome you here. As always, I'm so sorry for the reason that brings you here but you've come to a great place with a lot of support. Everyone here knows what it's like to live with and/or love an addict.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate but if you can make time to do some reading and go to a meeting regularly (Naranon or Alanon), and begin working on yourself, you may find some relief.

Addiction affects everyone around it....not just the addict. If I was not working a program, I can absolutely assure you that I would be spiraling in a deep depression peppered with a lot of anger and anxiety.

I think Chino said it perfectly:

This is what motivates me. My belief is that I can't expect or ask someone to do what I am not willing to do for myself.

gentle hugs
ke

splendra

You can trust him to be who he is. Hopefully you trust yourself then it won't matter what he does. You are free to get off the roller coaster at any time.

coffeedrinker

allfiller,

if a hundred of us posted a reply to a question of what you can do to make your relationship work, or what kind of life we thought you'd have w/this guy, 98 of us would sound negative, perhaps judgmental, and/or cynical.

it's because, just as cancer or diabetes has a predictable disease course, left untreated, so does addiction.

methadone and xanax is simply him finding a new way to get high. it's a great high and those who have been long-addicted often start using this one. he's in deep, and - i believe - at a point where willing himself to quit, or doing little fixes will work zero for any length of time.

he's been to rehab. he knows what is out there for him to get better, yet the call of the high he hears much louder. please accept that there is absolutely nothing you can do to wake him up, influence him, manipulate him, etc. to embrace a clean and sober life. there is no human being alive that is more powerful than this addiction; otherwise, people wouldn't lose their children, homes, jobs, and their lives over it.

i'm glad you finally posted. you must be exhausted and feel depair. and with good reason.
please keep comin around here.

outtolunch

Are you OK raising your daughter with an active dope addict living under the same roof?

splendra

Another thing the more we try to control and manage them the worse it gets the more we focus on our selves the better it gets honest. Be gentle with yourself.

CakeLady

I WAS YOU! Minus the methadone. Mine was just using opiates and barbituates at the same time. A deadly combination......he is NOT in recovery...he's just stringing you along, trying to do the minimum to make you stay with him.

I'm sorry. He is not ready to recover and has no reason to recover......

You need to protect your daughter and stop putting your boyfriends feelings above your daughters welfare and saftey......she cannot be safe while you live with an active addict.....

Eddiebuckle

All,

You really need to consider how much more of your life you want to commit to this relationship. He's not in recovery, because he doesn't have to - he's got you to fall back on. You can choose to stay and see how it plays out, but unless and until he decides that his using is destroying what he values most, this will only get worse. And I hate to say it, but you and your daughter likely are not sufficient motivation for him if he's an addict.

allfiller08

Ok, so reading your replies so far, I agree with some and others are way off.

First, let me just say, his addiction and our problems do not affect my parenting or the level of love/security I give my daughter. My daughter has always come first and will always be my priority. We do not argue/fight/discuss any of this when my daughter is around and never would.

Second, You all are absolutely right, I could/should just walk out on this man. But, if we walked out on everyone when they had problems or were at their worst, I think 95% of the world would be single.

Third, I am not looking for someone to tell me that I should leave him, trust me, I've heard it. I am looking for some advice on how to handle my end of this addiction. Things I can do that may help him or ways to maintain my sanity when he is at his worst.

If I did not see progress in his recovery over the past few years, i would leave. But, he has improved and has been getting better. Its just taking longer then I would of expected and there are times that i am just pushed to my breaking point (Like recently). Thank you for your feedback!

sailorjohn

Well, I won't suggest you leave him, merely agree with what the other folks here are telling you. He's not getting better. He's an addict, you said so yourself.

If you want to live with a drug addict, that would be your choice.

If you want to learn how to live with an active addict, you could try Naranon or Alanon, and no one there will tell you to leave either.

A last thing to consider, your child will have to live with the consequences of your choices for a long time to come. And your child doesn't have a choice.

Jayner

I struggle with this, too.

I've had several alcoholics/addicts in my life through the years....the most significant - my mom. I don't have an answer, I don't have the "fix" - but boy I wish I did - I just wanted to say I understand.

I hope all works out for the best, and take care of yourself.

keepinon

The treatment for addiction consists of abstinence from all mind altering substances..cutting back is not recovery of any kind when you are an addict.
Active addicts are unpredictable people who canot provide a healthy environment for a child..doesn't matter how awesome a person is..kids will be affected by being raised a round active addiction..I work with drug exposed infants -3 yr. olds and am in homes where there is active addiction..trust me on this one.
Yes, everyone has problems, but there is a whole differnt set of rules when it comes to addiction..it's not like helping someone who has cancer..this is a cunning and baffling disease
Naranon for you would be your best bet ..they can teach you how to lovingly detach and not go down with the sinking ship.
The problem with trying to have a healthy relationship with an addict is that thye are sick and incapable of being fully present..they are emotionally checked out and as someone on here said..there is a real predictable progression when left untreated.

splendra

.

So you must go to another city to argue with your man right? The very youngest of children are very aware of what goes on around them they ares like sponges. It never ceases to amaze me that people actually think that active addiction does not affect their children because they think they are too young. The bulk of our learning happens by age 4 please remember that.Children are very aware and even if you take them to another room they can still feel the tension and hear and see. Give your child the benefit of the doubt if they are in the same house that an argument takes place they know something is up.

I think when we treat our children like they are not aware they grow up and act out the issues instead of dealing with them.

allfiller08

No, I do not go to another city to argue with my 'man'. But yelling, etc is not something we do in my house. Also when he and I have something we need to discuss we arrange for time away and have grandma watch my daughter. I came to SOBERRECOVERY.COM to get advice on how to better handle what my boyfriend and I are going through with his addiction, not to have my parenting picked at or questioned.

Thanks for your responses everyone, it is nice to feel like I'm not the only one who has or is going through this. I appreciate the advice greatly!

eaglette

I'm sorry to put it like this, but you need to GET OUT NOW. I went through this with my ex, hoping he would change, for seven years. Please, please don't do it. He is not going to change right now. He is not different. You are being emotionally manipulated and drained, and chances are your daughter is feeling it too. I got out of that relationship about a year ago, and I cannot believe I stayed so long. I know you love him, but his first commitment is to the drugs. They have taken him and will not relinquish their hold on him no matter what you say. You need to think about yourself and your daughter. Please do not wait. It will not get better, especially if he knows that you are not going to leave no matter what he does. Idle threats will have no effect. You need to look out for you. I know you want to trust him more than anything in the world, but in your heart you know the truth. I am still recovering from seven years of self-neglect and focusing on trying to help a man who started out amazing and ended up wanting nothing more from me than the codependence I exhibited and the money he convinced me to give to him time and time again to support his self-destruction. I have no idea whether or not me leaving him helped him to see that he needed to get his life together. I doubt it. But I am happy now....healing, but happy. And I never want to see anyone go through what I did in trying to salvage a relationship with someone who will take full advantage of your hope and compassion.

eaglette

I just noticed your second response, in that you did not want to leave him. Trust me, I hear you, and I didn't mean to be presumptuous. It's just that I lost years of my life (not to mention a few friends and my self-confidence) in the same position you are in. It's hard not to give you that advice. However, I wouldn't leave either until I was ready. No one was more stubborn than me. I would have read this and never come on the forum again because I shut myself away from everyone who told me to get out. It took me way too long to decide that they were right.

Since I know you won't leave though, I do encourage you to focus on yourself and your own healing. Living in that situation cannot be a positive experience for you. Also, I am not criticizing your parenting skills, but it is a fact that children are mirrors for their environments. Keep an eye out for that!

Trust me, I was right there, calling out for help and then defending my ex in the same breath. I don't know your boyfriend, but I do know the situation is not really getting better. And I do know that you deserve to be somewhere in which you can flourish and grow happily.

jessiebug

LOL...I just logged on again after a few years off...five to be precise. My now husband sounds like your boyfriend--and for all I know he is. In my experience, I wanted to be told to stick it out with my boyfriend. Then, after an unexpected pregnancy, I thought I was even more determined. I'm an overachiever. I have a degree and I too have two jobs. I now have two daughters who I love more than anything and am so grateful for, but my husband is STILL a drug addict. When we started dating, I didn't understand drug abuse. I was 30-years-old and had only been around "normal" people. He didn't look like a drug addict (who knows what this idea was based on). He seemed to have a good job. He seemed like a wonderful guy. Flash forward seven years to today. I laugh at our relationship because it's better than crying and MOST days I'm able to control my anger. But I'm missing out on my children's lives, because I'm working two jobs to try to keep them housed, clothed and safe. Meanwhile, my husband pretends to go to work everyday, has been to the ER 40 times in the last 16 months (they finally called me to ask for the $4000 in copays ONLY...there are other associated costs with these visits), he was arrested in the city last weekend trying to buy drugs AGAIN. I really can't tell you how many times we've been down that road. I don't go to court with him. I don't give him money, except for the occasional $5 for cigarettes...and usually not that much. He steals the money from the girls piggy banks. He's pathetic. Back in March I decided that we need to be divorced so I can financially protect myself and my children. He's a great father to them, but no one using drugs is ever great enough to keep around your children. Unfortunately, I need to come up with $3000 just for the retainer, so for now I'm stuck. I'm still planning on it. I'm not leaving my house. It was mine before we were married and I'm not surrendering it to a drug addict. He continues to get my credit cards from the mail, from my purse, etc and use those to ring up valuable to pawn. I just recently went to use my Home Depot card and it was maxed out (I had JUST paid it off). He bought six drills ($1200) and pawned them for drug money. I guess what I want to say is yes, 98% of us are jaded, but it's from experience. Six years ago, I met another woman just like me here at soberrecovery. We were both stubborn and we both convinced ourselves that standing by our relationship would eventually pay off. We both married our boyfriends, and we're both now living with two children and an active addict. It's your call and always will be, but one of those people all those years ago told me, "If you're not married, run!" I didn't, but often wish I did (though I do have two fabulous girls I couldn't live without).

hello-kitty

Why would you trust someone who has continually proven themselves to be a liar? He's just doing what addicts do. Lying.

Try repeating this to yourself over and over and over. Perhaps you will find something in the words that will help you figure out what you need to do to find peace in your life:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can and the wisdom to know it's me.

I hope you find a way of accepting things as they truly are, so that you can get everything out of a relationship that you deserve.

For me, being lied to over and over and over is unacceptable in a relationship. And being on drugs around my child is a deal-breaker.

Abundance

Welcome to co-dependency!

Everyone is different... your boyfriend is unique. He makes you feel like you have never felt. With my support I know I can help him.

When you feel like you are doing so much and he isn't living up to your expectations... sure it makes you feel resentment.

Expectations are future resentments.

You will learn that here... and I also learned here that making no decision IS making a decision. Doing nothing IS doing something. It's a choice and I think it's when you feel like it's because you feel like you have to make a choice. You don't have to right now. That ... can be your plan.

Codependent No More is a really good book - and keep coming back here... use the search function so you can see other people's stories/journeys... and find what you are looking for.

There are tons of tools in this forum.

In Al-anon - being conflicted ... I just wanted to be told what to do - but nobody would tell me. Funny how that works - eh? And then when i'm not asking for it - it comes un-solicited.

With this site... take what you need and leave the rest