Put a boundary...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Put a boundary...
... my friends and my mom detected my therapist is really good at her job, yes, but she also likes $$.
The other day I was going out of my apartment (have to go through her home to get out) and she was with another patient of her.. she opened her door and introduced me to his patient... then she told him "look at her, she is very pretty don't you think? she will come to our group therapy..." and we were both like "huh??" she sounded rather false. And I thought the whole thing was inappropriate. I felt like bait.
Last therapy I told her I will need more space between therapies as I need to save money.
Today she calls me asking about this afternoon's group therapy. I told her I already had plans. She told me "ohhh but the guy you met the other day is also coming... he empathized with you.." and I thought that well she is the therapist, its her job to fix people... not mine. And not because I am around I have to attend all her therapies. I mean I would love to but now I feel more stable and need to do different things.
I told her I had no $$ and she said I could pay later... or that I didn't have to pay her... but I don't like to feel like I "owe" anything..so I said "no" and left.
Tonight I arrive and she gave me the cold shoulder.
The good news is that I might be able to get some $$ and may even start looking at homes, and buy my own place.
Granted, therapy helps a great deal but its also business.
Funny how I was "almost her daughter" one day and when I stop giving her half of my paycheck we are strangers.
Anyway thanks for letting me vent here. It might be as well that we are both tired. She is an excellent person. Has helped me in many ways. I pray HP takes me to my own home, so I can be independent and no longer be in these kind of situations, where roles mix.
Another part of me is happy I am taking care of my money and setting my priorities straight.
I wish it was easier for me to say "No". I am very clumsy at it, perhaps even rude.
The other day I was going out of my apartment (have to go through her home to get out) and she was with another patient of her.. she opened her door and introduced me to his patient... then she told him "look at her, she is very pretty don't you think? she will come to our group therapy..." and we were both like "huh??" she sounded rather false. And I thought the whole thing was inappropriate. I felt like bait.
Last therapy I told her I will need more space between therapies as I need to save money.
Today she calls me asking about this afternoon's group therapy. I told her I already had plans. She told me "ohhh but the guy you met the other day is also coming... he empathized with you.." and I thought that well she is the therapist, its her job to fix people... not mine. And not because I am around I have to attend all her therapies. I mean I would love to but now I feel more stable and need to do different things.
I told her I had no $$ and she said I could pay later... or that I didn't have to pay her... but I don't like to feel like I "owe" anything..so I said "no" and left.
Tonight I arrive and she gave me the cold shoulder.
The good news is that I might be able to get some $$ and may even start looking at homes, and buy my own place.
Granted, therapy helps a great deal but its also business.
Funny how I was "almost her daughter" one day and when I stop giving her half of my paycheck we are strangers.
Anyway thanks for letting me vent here. It might be as well that we are both tired. She is an excellent person. Has helped me in many ways. I pray HP takes me to my own home, so I can be independent and no longer be in these kind of situations, where roles mix.
Another part of me is happy I am taking care of my money and setting my priorities straight.
I wish it was easier for me to say "No". I am very clumsy at it, perhaps even rude.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It is, Buffalo66.
But it served a purpose. At the time it was this apartment -silent, my cats allowed, cheaper, very nice zone, and a family to make me feel safer- or go crazy sharing with XBF in a place that was noisy and expensive.
Guess who is going to drive around and see houses this weekend...
But it served a purpose. At the time it was this apartment -silent, my cats allowed, cheaper, very nice zone, and a family to make me feel safer- or go crazy sharing with XBF in a place that was noisy and expensive.
Guess who is going to drive around and see houses this weekend...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am also learning to listen to my gut and after a couple of confirmations from people I respect I see things more clearly...
I think I am more humble now about others opinions...
At least I don't want to change her...or do things because I want to be "approved"...
Its also relevant to differentiate the role as a therapist and the actual person... its like me, solving difficult IT issues at work for others... when I can't configure my own printer
I really hope this is a "nudge" from the Universe to start looking for my own place... its scary though!! I know nothing about real estate and loans, etc... but one step at a time I guess.
I think I am more humble now about others opinions...
At least I don't want to change her...or do things because I want to be "approved"...
Its also relevant to differentiate the role as a therapist and the actual person... its like me, solving difficult IT issues at work for others... when I can't configure my own printer
I really hope this is a "nudge" from the Universe to start looking for my own place... its scary though!! I know nothing about real estate and loans, etc... but one step at a time I guess.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Taking charge,
Yes! I hate saying no. I always tell myself " well, this person needs me to say yes more than I need to say no." So I will "fall on this grenade" because anything else would be selfish!"
I totally relate.
And as for your therapist, you'll just have to "take what you want and leave the rest!"
Congrats on moving towards independance! What a wonderful feeling that must be! It's very inspiring.
Yes! I hate saying no. I always tell myself " well, this person needs me to say yes more than I need to say no." So I will "fall on this grenade" because anything else would be selfish!"
I totally relate.
And as for your therapist, you'll just have to "take what you want and leave the rest!"
Congrats on moving towards independance! What a wonderful feeling that must be! It's very inspiring.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
oh boy! I'm pretty new here, and still feel like I don't know enough to comment, but I felt like I wanted to here. I just wanted to say that therapists are first and foremost people - as such, they all have their own issues. And yeah, it sounds to me too like you were being used as "bait".
I don't take the label of therapist as seriously as I used to. I think some people can help you some of the way, but nobody can help you all of the way. Most of the journey is your own and you have to use your own discrimination. A good result of therapy is learning to trust your own instincts. So you've succeeded! Not wanting to say no is that old chestnut we've probably all got a bit of, wanting to be liked and approved of, but nobody wants to be used!
Sounds like she's been good for you, but I also hope you find your own place!
I don't take the label of therapist as seriously as I used to. I think some people can help you some of the way, but nobody can help you all of the way. Most of the journey is your own and you have to use your own discrimination. A good result of therapy is learning to trust your own instincts. So you've succeeded! Not wanting to say no is that old chestnut we've probably all got a bit of, wanting to be liked and approved of, but nobody wants to be used!
Sounds like she's been good for you, but I also hope you find your own place!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Wow- that sounds wildly inappropriate on your T's part... I've had a few too many experiences (starting with my wacked out, NPD T Dad) with wack job T's and if something feels wrong, it probably is.
If it walks like a duck....
T's are humans first and foremost and have their own issues and imho a lot of T's go into the profession bc they have issues they need to deal with.
My AH's dbt T attacked me during a "family" session this fall and has since had her license revoked. Clearly the woman had some serious issues and it took me a year of feeling like something was not right (H coming back from T aggressive and ready to attack me verbally after each session with her, comments he shared she made about her personal relationships etc...) and having her attack me before I realized once again that my gut had told me all I needed to know very early on.
For any T's out there-- I have a T myself and think T is great... I am not bashing therapists as a whole -- just the ones that are inappropriate!
If it walks like a duck....
T's are humans first and foremost and have their own issues and imho a lot of T's go into the profession bc they have issues they need to deal with.
My AH's dbt T attacked me during a "family" session this fall and has since had her license revoked. Clearly the woman had some serious issues and it took me a year of feeling like something was not right (H coming back from T aggressive and ready to attack me verbally after each session with her, comments he shared she made about her personal relationships etc...) and having her attack me before I realized once again that my gut had told me all I needed to know very early on.
For any T's out there-- I have a T myself and think T is great... I am not bashing therapists as a whole -- just the ones that are inappropriate!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Good for you and for setting a boundary!!!
If your therapist, of all people, can't see that saying no in this kind of circumstance is emotional growth for you, than who of all people could see that, right?
Makes me think she had a motive that was clearly her own and not satisfied by you (which by the way is not your problem).
I totally get what you are saying about saying no.
There is nothing wrong with it and we have to put it out there and let go of how other people choose to respond to it. If your therapist has difficulty taking no as an answer, then she may want to seek a colleague for help with that (again not your problem).
You do not have to respond with guilt because she hits a cross mood or didn't get something she wanted. That is what codies do and you are not one of those anymore, remember?
My former landlord had many problems and he put them on me repeatedly. He could not accept me going on with my life and not taking blame for his choices. I took his behavior as a motivator to push my way to my own home and I am within reach of it now. I am set to close on my new home April 29th!
I got the nudge from my HP and now you have gotten one, too. If I can do this, you can do it!! Happy house hunting my friend!!
Alice
If your therapist, of all people, can't see that saying no in this kind of circumstance is emotional growth for you, than who of all people could see that, right?
Makes me think she had a motive that was clearly her own and not satisfied by you (which by the way is not your problem).
I totally get what you are saying about saying no.
There is nothing wrong with it and we have to put it out there and let go of how other people choose to respond to it. If your therapist has difficulty taking no as an answer, then she may want to seek a colleague for help with that (again not your problem).
You do not have to respond with guilt because she hits a cross mood or didn't get something she wanted. That is what codies do and you are not one of those anymore, remember?
My former landlord had many problems and he put them on me repeatedly. He could not accept me going on with my life and not taking blame for his choices. I took his behavior as a motivator to push my way to my own home and I am within reach of it now. I am set to close on my new home April 29th!
I got the nudge from my HP and now you have gotten one, too. If I can do this, you can do it!! Happy house hunting my friend!!
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks friends for getting it
ItsmeAlice I am so excited about your new home!
anvilhead I actually thought "how is any of this my problem".. THAT was very anvilesque...
Thanks I will put on my makeup and get my car washed then head to see homes
I also decided I want a newer Toyota Yaris, its quite cheap and I love to drive them.... of course I will buy it used...
I am SO glad I am financially independent .. very very grateful.. Thanks all for your posts.
ItsmeAlice I am so excited about your new home!
anvilhead I actually thought "how is any of this my problem".. THAT was very anvilesque...
Thanks I will put on my makeup and get my car washed then head to see homes
I also decided I want a newer Toyota Yaris, its quite cheap and I love to drive them.... of course I will buy it used...
I am SO glad I am financially independent .. very very grateful..
Thanks all for your posts.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Great job for recognizing a problem!
I'll confess, introducing you like that makes it sound like your therapist is running a dating service, or renting out escorts, rather than a group therapy session. Reminds me of the story where Hooters was considering running an airline for businessmen.
Way to go, TC!
I hope I can be as perceptive as you, next time I am in a situation like this.
Good luck with the car!
I have a friend who runs an auto repair, and back when I was looking at cars originally, the Toyota Yaris is one of the two he recommended for me. It's a good car, and you deserve a good car.
I'll confess, introducing you like that makes it sound like your therapist is running a dating service, or renting out escorts, rather than a group therapy session. Reminds me of the story where Hooters was considering running an airline for businessmen.
Way to go, TC!
I hope I can be as perceptive as you, next time I am in a situation like this.
Good luck with the car!
I have a friend who runs an auto repair, and back when I was looking at cars originally, the Toyota Yaris is one of the two he recommended for me. It's a good car, and you deserve a good car.
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