Mattcake

I value truth and honesty above anything else, in any situation... not to mention in relationships. Yet I still catch myself telling lies at times. I do get the relationship between addiction and lying... as well as keeping up appearances.

The most troubling aspect is lying to oneself.

This is an ongoing issue for me, I've posted about it before. In recovery, I've found ways to become more honest with myself; I've also stopped premeditated lying. So... progress, overall, but it still nags me at times.

Any tips? Experience?

Dee74

I dunno Matt - even before drinking, I was a pathological liar - lying for no reason....I liked being someone else, which dovetailed nicely with my alcoholism, and of course drinking tends to engender more lies...

but...the more I go on living sober, the more 'peel back the onion' the more I get comfortable with myself and my reality - the less reasons I have to lie to others or myself.

I think it's a process, like everything else
D

suki44883

It's hard to beat a team like truth and honesty.

GettingStronger2

Matty,

I think the post itself shows truth and honesty. With yourself and those of us here.

Honesty is a big issue for all of us. I think that as we grow in our recovery and work on ourselves, we find the lies and hidden truths start to fall away. Just keep working, you will get there.

Mattcake

Thank you D. and Sook. You know how much I value your insights

"Peeling the onion" is, again, a perfect analogy. I'm becoming increasingly aware of my petty lies, and they're making me very uncomfortable. Stuff like... telling my friends I can't meet up with them due to a prior engagement, when in reality I'll be loafing around at home.

Silly lies that are really getting to me, as they all add up. And they reflect back upon me, as I'm now picking up *other people's* lies really easily. I'm trying to amend my lies as soon as they crop up, if possible (I just wish they weren't there in the first place!)

The irony being, I don't lie about the "big stuff", not to anyone's face, and hopefully not to myself. I'm trying on that last one.

Freedom, Kindness, Truth and Honesty... I want to be consciously guided by those values/principles. Work in progress..

Mattcake

Thanks, GS.. "Working together" is great advice

I can't take being lied to, yet... ugh. Again, working in that direction.

OklaBH

Oh Matt---I was alcoholic before i took a drink. I lied about everything so i would seem more interesting. i wanted to be someone else so bad. BOOM i found alcohol and became that person...or so i thought. therapy, AA, God...its a long long road to get right! Im so glad you posted this

Anna

I remember learning to lie when I was 5 years old, to save myself. The lying became part of me and I never questioned it. I would lie for no reason at all, and like Dee, I think it paved the way for addiction much later in life. And I knew the lying had to stop, but it was ingrained in me, it was hard. I had lied to myself about what kind of a person I was, and I was in denial. My bottom was hugely profound to me because everything came crashing down on me, and I couldn't lie or live in denial anymore.

There are times when I lie to protect someone's feelings - if I'm given a gift I don't like, for example. And, I try to isolate those instances so they don't occur too often, but I do get that it's an ongoing job, as you said Matt.

It's been hugely satisfying to me to live an honest life. There are people I've known here at SR since I arrived 8 years ago, and some I've met since then, who trust me. They trust me because I've never lied to them and I had no idea what a wonderful gift that would be.

aasharon90

Im glad I dont have to lie today. Did enough of
that in the past. I learned early on in recovery
about telling the truth so I wouldnt have to go
back and make amends.

Which is good cause I dont like confrontation.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and uneasy inside.

I also dont set myself up with commitments
that I know darn good and well I probably wont
keep them. Same thing with making resolutions.
I dont know how many times Id say I was gonna
do something or not do something and either never
follow thru or follow thru half azz.

If someone ask if I can be somewhere's at a certain
time then I would tell them, ill try to make it if I can
if nothing come up. That way I dont set myself up
or commit to something I can or will not follow thru
with.

Does that make sense?

If I dont show up then no apology is needed and
Im safe. You too.

JohnBarleycorn

That's just your latent Catholic guilt, waiting for an opportunity to strike... :-)

Are you lying because you are trying to spare people's feelings, or because you are trying to avoid unnecessary and needless conflict?

If the lying is not needlessly habitual, there are certainly times when it is justified to do so.

Engage in this behavior routinely, however, and people will pick up on it, thus having the opposite effect.

As long as it is tempered by reality...

Rusty Zipper

hey matty

one less lie today,

is one more truth in tomorrow

EmeraldRose

I know how all the little lies can add up and eat at you. That was my past life. usually more to myself than to anyone but whatever worked was fine.
Now? I am brutally honest.
Don't ask me how your butt looks in those jeans .
I am honest now because if I can't be honest with myself in my own recovery then who will? I can't afford to fail...I have to be honest with myself. My truthfullness with myself flows out to others and they can see I'm real.
I had an open raw spot in my heart that held shame, lies and denial (and still might hold some) but it is only healed by truth, respect and an overwhelming sense for fufillment.
Work in progress...

Artoro

This is an important subject mattcake.

To live an honest live was pretty much the first thing I decided to do when I quit drinking. Stop all the endless lies, big and petty.

I can't say I'm there yet but I'm trying. I still catch myself making up stories and mentally preparing lies beforehand. As with other things in my recovery I try not to be too hard on myself because of it, but try instead to take note of the thoughts, correct them and move on.

OklaBH

being honest (even when it hurts) and not drinking are easier and feel so good. My mind isnt wired like that. Im sure working at it though!

departure

At the meeting I went to yesterday, someone said they find that now they are telling on themselves constantly.

I think that finding the truth and tools of their recovery, it can be applied to all other aspects of life and help them from keeping the errors, mistakes, and feelings of failure in that might otherwise jeopardize their sobriety.

Mattcake

Anna, thanks for your brave reply. I admire your courage. And, yes, people in SR look up to you because of your honesty, among so many other things. I sure do Thank you.

I learnt to lie later in life. I feared rejection. I knew what was expected of me, and I couldn't live up to those standards. Not because they were too high, but because doing so would imply living a lie.

When I came out of the closet and a big part of my life blew up on my face, that's when I started drinking in earnest. The pain I felt was just too severe, and I plunged into a deep depression that lasted almost a decade.

Yet these days I'm finding that this pain is also giving me the strength I needed to be militant and honest about who I am, in all senses.

Mattcake

Sharon, I love your posts =)

Quote:

Originally Posted by aasharon90

uneasy inside.

"Uneasy inside".. spot on. What a terrible feeling that is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aasharon90

If I dont show up then no apology is needed and
Im safe. You too.

Mattcake

Rusty, I've Post-ited this. Simplicity leaves no room for lies.

Thank you

Mattcake

It IS a long road. Have you learnt to love who you are, Okla? That's what I'm working on, basically.

Mattcake

Beautiful post, Emerald. Thank you. Brutal honesty is not my style, but I do like being on the receiving end of it. Eye openers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EmeraldRose

I had an open raw spot in my heart that held shame, lies and denial (and still might hold some) but it is only healed by truth, respect and an overwhelming sense for fufillment.
Work in progress...

Shame... I thought I was free from shame. Guess not.