princessnutjob

I've been seeing a guy for about nine months, and we're pretty serious, to the point where, before all of this went down, we were talking about marriage.

Well, I caught him in a lie, about where he went to college, and everything kind of began to unravel. There were a lot of things, mostly related to his accomplishments and childhood, that he'd misled me about. I noticed from the beginning that he had incredibly low self-esteem, which drove me mad, 'cause I think he's awesome.

Now, his parents live across the country, and we visited them after Christmas, and I thought his dad was a total jerk, but I didn't really say anything. He was just so.... distant, when my bf clearly wanted to engage. Also, I saw him drinking a lot, but my BF said everything was normal.

I finally confronted him about the lies, and he kind of broke down and said he'd never meant to lie, but that he'd been doing it so long he didn't know how to stop.

It made no sense that he lied about finishing college-- he has a great job, and is super successful, so who cares? I just don't want to be lied to.

So, we talked a lot about his actual childhood, not the super pleasant one he made up, and I did some reading, and he is "the lost child", almost verbatim.

He's got an incredible job that he's on the fast track with, he's so very kind to me and my little boy, and he's smart and funny. However, his personal life is kind of unorganized. He doesn't drink or anything, but he lives in a crappy apartment even though he makes really good money because he's really bad about impulse spending.

I've kind of pointed him to a few therapists-- he's making the calls this morning, and helped him set up a budget... is there anything else I can do to help him? Am I doing too much to help him? I don't want to be pushy.


Thanks.

coffeedrinker

princessnut,

WELCOME to soberrecovery.

I think you did just right.

I would take a step back from the marriage conversations and just sit back and watch for change, and sincerity. It's a tall order, but it sounds as though he spoke truthfully when he said "I don't know why I lie...."

A recovering addict I dated last year is 5 years clean and sober. He said that sometimes he hears himself saying something that isn't true, or embellishing a story and then he has to stop and correct it. It's embarrassing for him, but he wants to be honest and healthy so that's what he does.

Probably don't get more involved with his process though at this point. Hopefully he'll want to check in with you about all this, and not pretend that conversation didn't happen.

princessnutjob

Yeah, we were planning to marry at the end of the year, and what we're doing now is that he's renting an apartment about two minutes from me so we can see each other every day without making any commitments.

He seemed so relieved after he came clean, and he's keeping me updated and in the loop while he does all of this. I told him I'm here, but I can't do it for him.

I also kind of, without letting anyone know what was going on with the lying, had a long conversation with his brother about their childhood, so I know he came clean about everything now.

Thanks so much.

tromboneliness

How can you be so sure, just from talking to his brother? He grew up with the same family environment, so...

T

princessnutjob

His brother is much older than he is and left home before things got terribly bad.

Also, if I were asking extremely open ended questions, wouldn't it be odd for them to tell the same untrue stories?

tromboneliness

I see what you're saying.

What gets me concerned is the idea that "OK, I lied to you about all sorts of things, on all sorts of occasions -- but that's all in the past; I've come clean now, and from this point forward, I'm as honest as the day is long."

That sounds a little too much like, "OK, I know I've promised to stop drinking before, but this time I really mean it -- from now on, I just won't have it anymore, period." That's not how it works -- I used to get that from my alcoholic all the time... it would usually last a week or two, and then we'd be back to business as usual (vodka by the tankcar-load). There's always some excuse -- stress, confusion, what-have-you -- and they'll tun it around and claim it's all your fault.

You can't just fix a problem, just like that, without doing the work. This guy has not done the work. Sure, he's owned up to what was going on, but that's a long way from really looking at why he was lying in the first place, re-establishing trust, on a daily basis over a long period of time, to own what he did and figure out how not to need to do it anymore. Color me skeptical... but, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." He's got to do the work, not just say the lying (drinking, drugging, gambling, whatever addiction someone might have) is all in the past and think he's all over and done with it.

T

GingerM

I also used to lie for no apparent reason. If you go to the top of this forum and click on the "sticky" titled "13 common characteristics of ACoAs" you'll find it's not at all uncommon.

I could not tell you why I used to lie. I knew I was doing it. I didn't like it. I felt like a total sham. I couldn't stop myself. I can't, to this day, tell you why I did it. I stopped when someone I cared very much for told me I needed help. Just as you told your bf he needed help.

You did exactly the right thing - you did not confront in an angry fashion, you confronted with love. It sounds like you weren't judgmental, but that you were worried about your future together. He sounds like he may be ready to start confronting his own demons, but needed that little extra nudge to get him there.

His path, if he sticks with it, will be a long one. I will warn you that if he does stick with it, you may find that he grows into a different person. I am certainly a far different person than I was before I started therapy. I would not be compatible with the person who originally nudged me into therapy now. I'm not saying that this will definitely happen to you, just that the possibility exists, and I want to give you warning about it.

Even if he does become such a different person than the one you know now, he will most likely thank you in his heart and mind for the rest of his life for starting him down the path to recovery.

The best way to not have this emotional separation is to listen to him. Ask him if he wants to talk about his sessions, but don't push him. He'll need time to roll things around in his head for a while, but he may also need to let some of these pent up things out. The life of an ACoA as a child is one big lie. Parents lie about what they will or will not do, they lie about how much they do or do not drink, they tell their children to lie about the functionality of the family. Is it any wonder he lies? It's what he was taught and a behavior he had modeled. And the low self esteem doesn't help - it only encourages the lying.

Recovery is a long and perpetually ongoing process. He will need support, although there may come a time when you can't provide that for him. He may also find that he just needs to be utterly alone for a long period of time (I became a social hermit for about 3 years). If any of this comes to pass, know now that it will not be because of you - it will be a result of him wrestling with his demons.

I wish you both much luck and peace.