Learning to live for myself....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Learning to live for myself....
It's so strange! Getting motivated to do the simplest things...like paint my nails. For no other reason than, it makes me happy?!
Such a foreign concept! My whole life I have been taught I am the selfish one. And that would be proven every time I tried to do something for myself, which would ultimately lead me away from my twisted family, or my exhusband, or my current AH.
But even while I'm here with my current AH, just learning to do things I want to do without waiting for "permission". It's just crazy!
I know you must understand what I'm talking about.
It's the basic notion that I'm just now learning...
It is o.k. to keep breathing in and out.... because I want to live! It doesn't matter what anyone else wants. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I can do whatever I want... for no other reason than I want to!
Tears are falling down my face as I am writing this!
It's o.k. to put on makeup.. because I want to.
It's o.k. to feel good about myself, even when others around me don't like themselves. It's o.k. to get on with living my life even if everyone else is stuck.. not moving forward! It's o.k. to try and fail! It's o.k. to live!
I've been out a lot recently/ better weather/ I'm going to the gym everymorning. Making friends finally. (too bad I'm just meeting them now)
Anyway, my Ah says to me
"You did your hair and your nails, now your never home! What are you too good for me now?!"
He was trying to make it out like a joke. But I know, if it was a joke, I wouldn't have been so afraid all this time to get out there and start living!
So sad really. Now that my world has become technicolor again, all I see when I look at him and his world is a bunch of fuzzy black and white images.
Thankks for listening!
Such a foreign concept! My whole life I have been taught I am the selfish one. And that would be proven every time I tried to do something for myself, which would ultimately lead me away from my twisted family, or my exhusband, or my current AH.
But even while I'm here with my current AH, just learning to do things I want to do without waiting for "permission". It's just crazy!
I know you must understand what I'm talking about.
It's the basic notion that I'm just now learning...
It is o.k. to keep breathing in and out.... because I want to live! It doesn't matter what anyone else wants. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I can do whatever I want... for no other reason than I want to!
Tears are falling down my face as I am writing this!
It's o.k. to put on makeup.. because I want to.
It's o.k. to feel good about myself, even when others around me don't like themselves. It's o.k. to get on with living my life even if everyone else is stuck.. not moving forward! It's o.k. to try and fail! It's o.k. to live!
I've been out a lot recently/ better weather/ I'm going to the gym everymorning. Making friends finally. (too bad I'm just meeting them now)
Anyway, my Ah says to me
"You did your hair and your nails, now your never home! What are you too good for me now?!"
He was trying to make it out like a joke. But I know, if it was a joke, I wouldn't have been so afraid all this time to get out there and start living!
So sad really. Now that my world has become technicolor again, all I see when I look at him and his world is a bunch of fuzzy black and white images.
Thankks for listening!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Yep, this is inspiring.
My fog is lifting a little, and I am heading towrd some of these things.
Its funny how a little make up just for yourself can change the mood for you day a touch.
And I painted my toenails last night, too!
My fog is lifting a little, and I am heading towrd some of these things.
Its funny how a little make up just for yourself can change the mood for you day a touch.
And I painted my toenails last night, too!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Thank you so much for sharing.
Every morning when I wake up, I find a sweet little kitten curled up on my pillow, waiting to greet the day with me, and begging for a scratch behind the ears.
What a change from trying to drag myself out of bed and make coffee (I don't drink coffee) for a hungover ABF who only pretends to do things for me, and always complains about everything I do.
What a difference.
I am so happy that I started caring for myself, rather than wasting away into nothing, a shadow of a person, scared to death of doing anything wrong (or anything right that he didn't like).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 132
Yes Starcat!
I was scared to do anything (wrong or right) so for a while I gave up and did nothing! I even stopped taking care of the house, because no matter what I did it was wrong. But I'm getting all that back now. I hope it sticks this time.
I have been here before in my life. But just like the A's in our lives, I go back to what I know. I don't want to go back this time. I will be honest and tell you that I am hoping that as a side effect of my growth my AH will grow as well. But I am not doing this for that reason! I am growing and changing for me. But it would be nice if he came along with me.
Yes I still have a long way to go.
I was scared to do anything (wrong or right) so for a while I gave up and did nothing! I even stopped taking care of the house, because no matter what I did it was wrong. But I'm getting all that back now. I hope it sticks this time.
I have been here before in my life. But just like the A's in our lives, I go back to what I know. I don't want to go back this time. I will be honest and tell you that I am hoping that as a side effect of my growth my AH will grow as well. But I am not doing this for that reason! I am growing and changing for me. But it would be nice if he came along with me.
Yes I still have a long way to go.
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