japabp2000

Hi everyone, I'm usually in the FF of alcoholics section, but in reality I could frequent both as my husband is both an alcoholic and addict. His drug of choice is hydrocodone (sp?) although he has done crack and heroin (1x...says he "didn't like it"). Well, here's the thing..he has come to the realization that he needs help, finally, after a family crisis. No one, including me has pushed him into going to rehab..he just say's he is sick of living this way. Good deal, I hope. He goes into rehab hopefully by Friday.
His big thing is replacing one drug with another. For instance..he started abusing hydrocodone in 2006, right after his step father passed away. His using got out of control, so he started smoking pot to try to get off of the pills. Then since I griped at him all the time (he says) because of his pot smoking (I didn't know he was using hydrocodone), he went back to pain pills. Well, then once that got out of hand again, he started drinking A LOT, ok, he decided he needed to stop drinking, so he started smoking crack..he had never done it before, says he really didn't even know what it was but his "buddy" told him it was not addictive (hahaha..omg yeah) so he went on a 2 week binge with that and got out of hand, he started stealing from his mom (checks), stole from me, sold everything he had in his garage and beyond...well, you get the picture. And finally after 2 weeks of me wondering (how stupid am I???) what the hell was going on, he came "clean". Told me everything, cried like a baby. I consoled him, cried with him, told him he needed help of course. He went into rehab...lasted about 4 days called me saying he was "done" with drugs and alcohol he wanted to come home. I go get him. As soon as he gets out (he confessed later on), he went and scored pills. SIGH. Ok, so got outta hand with that again, and he starts drinking (and doing pills..gah). Well anyway, this could go on a while, but his drinking got worse and worse and he dabbled in crack again (went on a weekend smoking spree..stole again from his mom to buy the crap), and came "clean" to me again. Then started drinking like crazy and that is where he is now. BUT he admitted to doing hydrocodone just 2 weeks ago. Said he is completely DONE with them (as if I believed him, even though I wanted to), but yet yesterday my food stamp card went missing...low and behold, he gave a guy the card for PILLS!! I'm crushed, yet again. He cried, begged me to forgive him. SIGH AGAIN.
So, could someone tell me, does he have a conscience? Is that just the mind of an addict/alcoholic? How could he, why does he? He is set on going to rehab..he cries all the time lately because he says he hates this life but he needs help..what do I believe? I'm confused and am hoping someone can shed a bit of light on this for me. Yes, I am a codie, but since joining here, I am taking big steps toward being a "normie". But I don't want to leave him, I just want him better and pray for him to get better everyday. I know it's not up to me for him to get well, but I feel he is ready by the way he acts. Please help. Thanks.

Latte

He does it because he's an active addict.

Thank you for sharing. Keep coming back.

japabp2000

Thank you Latte, even if he hadn't used in 2 weeks? Hell, maybe he has and maybe he hasn't..I would say he hasn't because we have absolutely no money (he doesn't work, I draw disability and nothing is missing).

japabp2000

Crap, just realized I asked why does he "doe" this...I'm nutty.

AlluneedisLOVE

I feel you, I know exactly what you're going through...I feel so helpless, and have often wondered if being addicted to pills (vicodin, xanax, hydocodone, and a number of others) has destroyed my husband's conscience...how can he lie to my face over and over again?

japabp2000

Hi Alluneedislove, yes I know. It's hard to fathom how someone who loves you so much (says they do anyway) can do such a thing. It hurts..very bad. ((((Hugs to you))))

laurie6781

He does what he does to stay NUMB.

Here is a sticky in this forum:

This was written by the original owner of this site. It is an 'eye opener' and explains a lot for both addicts and alcoholics. Jon sure 'nailed it!'

Love and hugs,

japabp2000

Laurie, thank you honey. I try so hard not to be shocked anymore, but it still stings. He goes into rehab Friday (hopefully) so we shall see. IF he gets out and uses again, I won't be shocked or surprised, just hurt..again. He says he wants to be free from addiction..I pray that is the case. Thanks once again and God bless!
♥

simplyfab

Although, I do agree w/ Laurie's post, I don't agree w/ all of it.

100% true about addicts wanting to stay NUMB.
And your partner is showing this w/ every action he makes.
He stops one drug, and dives into another head first.

What I don't agree w/ is the "lying through my teeth when i say I love you" and "having no empathy for you and how it doesn't phase me when I hurt you."
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I put my fiance through sooo much, but never did I not feel guilty, shameful or disgusted w/ myself. What's baffling is, feeling all that, but still have the yearn to drink. It's something that I still dont understand. I was on a vicious cycle. Id drink, feel so guilty and ashamed, then drink some more so I wont feel.
But something that I feel is that my addiction had nothing to do w/ how I felt towards my fiance. It's hard to explain, but my addiction was just that. Mine.
Something I had to overcome. On my own.
But I love my finace with all my heart. And it would hurt to see him hurt.
It was like I was split in two. The addict, wasn't the real me. It was a sneeky, lying, manipulating disease that was something I had to overcome and let me, be me again. No doubt, there are things I never would've done if I wasn't an addict. Those actions still haunt me.

But one thing that is for certain, is there is nothing you can tell him to make him stop. And yes, he will continue to hurt you and lie to you as long as he's using. He has to want to stop. And nobody can push him into it. Best thing for you to do is look out for yourself and make sure he doesnt take you down with him.

Wish you all the best...

japabp2000

Hello SimplyFab and thank you for your reply. I am glad to hear that you are recovering. That's wonderful! As for my AH, I do feel that it hurts him to lie to me. He is definitely not a person who cries, he never has been. He was told that crying is a sign of weakness as a child, so he has held on to that. BUT I will say that he cries when he tells me something that he has done. And the thing is, lately he has been telling me rather than not and/or hiding things from me like he use to do. It still doesn't hurt any less though of course. The guilt I see in his eyes is sad to me..so I feel that he doesn't exactly "mean" to, but kind of like a jekyl and hyde sort of thing..like what you explained about the being split in two. Addiction is an illness, and I just have to keep reminding myself that..but it's hard to adjust to for sure. Hopefully he will soon become a recovering addict. ((((Hugs)))))

laurie6781

(((((simplyfab)))))

Congrats on your recovery!!!! I too am sober and clean for many many years now, and found my recovery in The San Fernando Valley, lol

When I first read what Jon wrote I realized he was writing from the heart about when he was ACTIVE. I could relate so well, because when I finally found recovery I realized I HATED everybody. What it took a little longer to understand was that I really didn't 'hate' everybody ............................... I HATED ME!!!!

I would say what others wanted to hear to keep me in a comfortable place (your home, your bed, etc) but I was lying and because I was lying I drank more to stay NUMB. It was a real Catch 22.

(((((japbap))))) whether he goes to rehab or not, what are you doing for YOU? Even if he goes to rehab, it will be a very long road before you see who he might really be. I hope you have found a counselor/therapist and/or AlAnon for some face to face support. You will need it more than ever if he does find recovery.

Early recovery is a 'mine field'. I know I sure didn't know if I was coming or going, my brain felt like MUSH and I felt like I was in a FOG. I was starting to have emotions and feelings that I hadn't felt in 22+ years and sure didn't know what to do with them. I would 'snap' at people, then being crying, then by laughing hysterically, and so on.

At one point I felt like I was in 20,000 pieces and I was trying to pull those pieces out of the air around me and paste them back on my frame. It got so bad that for almost 2 months, at meetings I would introduce my self: "Hi, I'm Scattered, and I am an alcoholic." It sounds funny now, but I was dead serious.

I share this with you in the hopes that you will see that whether he finds recovery while in rehab or not, it is so important for YOU to have your OWN program of recovery and be working on that to keep you sane, serene, and peaceful.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

FindinGrace

GREAT post laurie!

Kindeyes

We always want to know why.

As humans we are compelled to want to know the answers. But sometimes....there are no answers....it just is what it is. A mystery that we will never truly know the answer to and somehow we need to come to terms with that.

In the last 15 years, I have had so many things happen in my life that I wanted to know WHY it happened. WHY people did what they did. And you know what? I never got an answer to those "whys" and probably never will. I simply had to get to the point of acceptance and move forward.

I hope that your husband is ready. I think the most loving thing we can do for our addicts is to allow them the space to figure things out for themselves and not always be asking them........why.

gentle hugs
ke

keepinon

First of all even if he hasn't used in 2 weeks which sounds highly suspect.he isn't in recovery..just dry..huge difference.Most addicts get to the point where they want to stop..the problem lies in the lack of willingness to do the work.You must want to stop AND be willing. I would urge you to to got to alanon/naranon..helped me immensely..also helped me stop loving my daughter right into her grave.It IS a disease, but ther IS a treatment and those who do not commit fully will wind up sucking others down on their sinking ship..alanon taught me not to be sick right along with her.
One tip..actions speak louder than words..addicts talk a good talk..even to themselves..it is only what they DO that matters..show me your recovery and then i'll beleive it

japabp2000

I completely agree. Very good post Laurie and I thank you.

Thank you Kindeyes..you are right, "why?" always seems to be the question of the day for me...every day.

Thank you keepinon. I appreciate your reply. I'm learning more and more every day and you all are wonderful.

Thank you Anvilhead. I appreciate your straight forward and to the point replies. I need those very much. When I feel like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to realize that it is..but that is if I allow it to be, and I currently am at this point. I'm so ready for him to go to rehab and I hope he recovers, but I am also looking forward to a break. That may sound harsh to some people, but it's the honest to goodness truth. Him and I need a bit of a break. ((((Hugs))))

simplyfab

(((Laurie6781)))

Congratulations on your recovery as well! Glad to hear Southern California has special meanining for you.
And what a really great post!
Early recovery for me has been exactly what you described. This could've easily been a page out of a book about recovery and what to expect. Thank you for that.

(((Kindeyes)))
I know what you mean about the "why's". It's the question that consumes us as addicts and addicts' loved ones. Understandably so, since we can't wrap our brains over it and find answers.
"Why me?" and "Why am I like this?" was my drinking anthem. While they're valid questions, I too found out that it also fueled my addiction. The whole "woe is me" was part of my self-loathing. (((anvilhead))) You hit the nail right on the head!
But as Kindeyes stated, its just something you have to accept and move foward from. It's like asking why the sky is blue. It just is what it is.

japabp2000,
You're getting some really great advice and information. Addiction is a horrible thing to go through. For both parties. I hope you seek and get the necessary tools to take care of yourself, your happiness and your sanity.
Know that you can't change him. You can only change your situation.

Best wishes to you... ((hugs))