Wife in rehab . . . now what?

Old 04-13-2011, 01:06 PM
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Wife in rehab . . . now what?

My wife entered rehab for prescription drug abuse last Monday for 6-8 weeks followed by 6-8 weeks of "intensive outpatient program". She seems to be doing fine, but I am more concerned right now on how I will deal with this.

To give a short backstory, when I look back on it now I can see when "the change" started last year. She started using prescription painkillers and we just started to fall apart. She shopped enough doctors that she couldn't use them as a source so she started to hit up friends and even the cleaning lady for drugs. She withdrew from me and her best friends because she knew that none of us would help her get more drugs. She started hanging around with new friends and started new behaviors. I feel stupid for not realizing what it was and I know now that I was at least unconsciously covering for her. I had no idea it was a problem (or that she was even taking the drugs) until I found an empty bottle of pain meds in her vehicle.

The strange part is that she kept every receipt from the pharmacy, in order, in the desk where we keep our records for taxes. If I had opened that drawer, I would have known the problem.

She went to two evaluations because she didn't feel like the first place gave her a chance. The second evaluation was even worse. Of course, going for the evaluations didn't stop her from using. After she had her license taken away for a year because she self-reported (forced to because her job mandated that she turn herself in before she could return to work), she finally agreed to treatment. The whole drive to the rehab center consister of her blaming any and everyone, denying that she had a problem and trying to claim that her problem isn't as bad as other people.

I'm taking care of our 17 month old son and have no issues with that. He is at a fun age and keeps me running until he goes to sleep. I try to keep him busy and he is generally very happy now that all the drama and arguments are gone. The house is actually quite peaceful now and I have found that I enjoy that. I'm starting to wonder if being by ourselves isn't a better situation for us.

She seems to be doing good. We were able to visit this past weekend and her actions seemed almost back to normal, though I know she is smart enough to fool her parents and me.

My problem is that I NEED TO KNOW everything. I can't get it out of my mind what she did to our marriage and I feel like I have to know everything that happened or I can't move forward. Addicts didn't get where they are because they made good life choices and I can't rid myself of thoughts of what other decisions she may have made. They had to write a "honesty paper" outlining all the ways they were dishonest (marraige, money, job, etc) and when I asked her if I could see that she said no. I know that she thinks there may be something in there that would be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back and I will leave her. However, my imagination is probably far worse than anything she actually did.

I plan on attending an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow to try to get some understanding of myself. Maybe I'm wrong in my need to know but I'm trying to keep my own thoughts from destroying what little is left of our marriage. I do not blame myself for her problem though I think I should have been quicker on the uptake of the core of the problem.

Anyway, sorry for the vent. I just needed to get it out of my head for awhile.
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Old 04-13-2011, 01:25 PM
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WELCOME to Sober Recovery. You have found a great place with lots of experience, strength and hope (ES&H) from those who have been where you are or are where you are now.

I know that she thinks there may be something in there that would be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back and I will leave her.
No you don't know that. If I had been able to write one at that short of a time in recovery and a family member or SO had asked to read it I too would have said a resounding NO. Why?

Because that list is bringing up feelings, emotions and realities that I/your wife buried under drugs and/or alcohol, and does not know what to do with. That list is for her and her counselor.

Even though when she 'gets out' she will be doing 'intensive outpatient' I would suggest that she look into a Sober Living Facility/House for those 6 to 8 or longer weeks. Why? Because it there more than in treatment, living with other A's that will probably be more 'tolerant' to the mood swings than family will, that she will really start to learn how to live clean and sober.

There will be rules and regulations, and chores, and meetings, and her behavior will 'earn' 'privileges.' Privileges like a day with the family, or an overnight, etc.

For you, I will suggest LOTS of AlAnon. That way by the time she does return to the home, you will be working 'your' program for YOU and she will be working 'her' program for HER.

Your wife is extremely 'fragile' right now. The 'toxins' are still leaving her system, she is 'raw' and has nothing to 'numb' herself. This is not a magical process, it is a 'life long' process to grow and change so that we never return to that life.

In HP's time, when your wife is ready, amends will be made.

AlAnon will help you immensely with your NEED to know. In all likelihood the treatment facility will be holding some counseling for you and the other spouses or SO's and family of the A's in treatment and possibly some 'joint' sessions also.

For now, enjoy the time with your child and start to work on you.

J M H O based on my own experiences in recovery from both alcohol and drugs and codependency for many years now.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-13-2011, 02:37 PM
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If the rehab place offers a 'family day', I'd encourage you to go.

Your worries and fears are common and family day's are there for you to help process what you have gone through with the addict.

It can't cover everything but it may lessen the anxiety you are feeling in addition to Al-anon.
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Old 04-13-2011, 03:59 PM
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TD, I felt like this too. I wanted all the answers, then maybe, just maybe, i would actually understand. For years i watched a person I love destroy their life. I just didnt get it, WHY on earth would you drink yourself to destruction and death? I wanted to know if she was ok and what she was doing. I drove myself crazy trying to figure things out, so I started learning more about addiction and all that goes with it. This helped me so much. Even as I learnt more, I was still frustrated, angry and lost, I couldnt help her and I still needed answers. I knew the answers didnt matter anymore, she was an addict lost in that world.

But you know what TD, after she died, I was cleaning her house and found journals after journals of her time in rehabs. I poured my heart out reading this. Was I going to get the answers I needed? Sure, alot of what I read, I already knew but some of it I wish I never knew.

TD, have hope, learn more about her addiction, it may help you understand more. Try not to worry about what you dont know, stay positive, look after you and your child. Your wife when the time is right for her (god willing) will look for sobriety.

JJ
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Old 04-13-2011, 08:03 PM
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TD
Anything that needs to be revealed with be in time. Rushing or pushing always seems to turn out badly....at least it has in my experience.

I hope you will allow your wife the room to figure out herself. And I hope that the facility she is in has a really good family program. The first time my son was in an in patient rehab, I began to heal and it's a long process that never really seems to end. I've learned so much in the last four + years. I learned more at that rehab than I think he did....and much of it was learned from recovering addicts/alcoholics.

Welcome to SR.....there is a lot of support here and so many people who have been walking this path of loving an addict/alcoholic. With all that goes on, we often become every bit as sick as they do but there is hope for all of us.

I hope you stick around....you are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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