Chance coming up to make amends
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Chance coming up to make amends
I was recently contacted by my friend, J, from where I used to live. She, her husband, XABF#1 and a couple other people were really, really close. We were friends for about 20 years, then I spiraled into addiction.
She said she had found me, a couple years ago, but was too ashamed of "not being there for you when you". I told her to "let that go", that it was only jail and the threat of prison that got through to me.
XABF#1 had "shut them out" a few years back, but has recently started coming around again (they all work at the airport). She told him about contacting me, and said he was really glad I'm getting my life back together.
I'm planning on going down there, once I get my teeth fixed (still have SOME pride). I do want to see XABF#1, if possible, and make an amends. I just want to tell him that I was sick, back then, and I accept responsibility for my part of our dysfunctional relationship and wish him the best, because I do.
I have been holed up in this house, or out working/school for years. No f2f friends. Just recently met someone from here, and cannot wait to go horseback riding with her on Easter Sunday.
I realize I do still have friends from the past, I was just too ashamed to find them. J also mentioned HER feeling of "always needing a man" and wonders how her life would have been different if she'd made other choices.
Our friend, E, was trying to teach us BOTH about codependency, way back then, but we weren't ready to listen. I'm going to call E, this weekend (when my cell phone minutes are free) but J told her she'd heard from me, told her my story (I asked her to, so I wouldn't have to go into it again..copout? Probably). Anyway, E was thrilled to hear that I'm doing well.
I'm not the same person I was, back then, I'm better
I'm looking forward to hanging out at N&J's house, out in the country, where I have SO many good memories, and they don't all involve drinking. The year I was laid off from the company we all worked for, N&J bought me my first, and only, live Christmas tree.
I have NO expectations of what will happen with XABF#1, he holds a grudge for a long, long time. However, I'm ready to do MY part...the rest is on him. No worries about old feelings surfacing and the thought of starting back up with him. He couldn't HANDLE the me I am now, because I've grown a backbone, and the only type relationships I want, right now, are friends.
I'm really excited! Though I'm around people ALL the time, and have very dear friends here, last week was the first time I actually went and hung around a friend....in 4 years. It's time to let go of the shame, and build NEW friendships with old friends. N&J live in the country, at a house I absolutely love and have really good memories of.
Also looking forward to seeing J's daughter. I knew her from when she was in grammar school, and her oldest son is now Brit's age - 17? Wow, time has flown
I also no longer think of Macon as "the hood"...I see N&J's house in my mind, and that's pretty awesome.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
She said she had found me, a couple years ago, but was too ashamed of "not being there for you when you". I told her to "let that go", that it was only jail and the threat of prison that got through to me.
XABF#1 had "shut them out" a few years back, but has recently started coming around again (they all work at the airport). She told him about contacting me, and said he was really glad I'm getting my life back together.
I'm planning on going down there, once I get my teeth fixed (still have SOME pride). I do want to see XABF#1, if possible, and make an amends. I just want to tell him that I was sick, back then, and I accept responsibility for my part of our dysfunctional relationship and wish him the best, because I do.
I have been holed up in this house, or out working/school for years. No f2f friends. Just recently met someone from here, and cannot wait to go horseback riding with her on Easter Sunday.
I realize I do still have friends from the past, I was just too ashamed to find them. J also mentioned HER feeling of "always needing a man" and wonders how her life would have been different if she'd made other choices.
Our friend, E, was trying to teach us BOTH about codependency, way back then, but we weren't ready to listen. I'm going to call E, this weekend (when my cell phone minutes are free) but J told her she'd heard from me, told her my story (I asked her to, so I wouldn't have to go into it again..copout? Probably). Anyway, E was thrilled to hear that I'm doing well.
I'm not the same person I was, back then, I'm better
I'm looking forward to hanging out at N&J's house, out in the country, where I have SO many good memories, and they don't all involve drinking. The year I was laid off from the company we all worked for, N&J bought me my first, and only, live Christmas tree.I have NO expectations of what will happen with XABF#1, he holds a grudge for a long, long time. However, I'm ready to do MY part...the rest is on him. No worries about old feelings surfacing and the thought of starting back up with him. He couldn't HANDLE the me I am now, because I've grown a backbone, and the only type relationships I want, right now, are friends.
I'm really excited! Though I'm around people ALL the time, and have very dear friends here, last week was the first time I actually went and hung around a friend....in 4 years. It's time to let go of the shame, and build NEW friendships with old friends. N&J live in the country, at a house I absolutely love and have really good memories of.
Also looking forward to seeing J's daughter. I knew her from when she was in grammar school, and her oldest son is now Brit's age - 17? Wow, time has flown
I also no longer think of Macon as "the hood"...I see N&J's house in my mind, and that's pretty awesome.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
As challenging as it is for the non-addict to deal with an active addict, if we love them there is a sense of relief to know that someone has put their life back together or is in the process.
It may be just as healing for them as well
It may be just as healing for them as well
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Amy
I hope that you find peace in making those connections. My codie-ness feelings are kicking in as I read your post.....a feeling of wanting to protect you to make sure that none of those old connections hurt you. But you're a big girl and you can handle whatever life throws at you.
.....but we got your back, k?
gentle hugs
ke
I hope that you find peace in making those connections. My codie-ness feelings are kicking in as I read your post.....a feeling of wanting to protect you to make sure that none of those old connections hurt you. But you're a big girl and you can handle whatever life throws at you.
.....but we got your back, k?
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thank you all.
((Kindeyes)) - I'm pretty certain that these friends wont hurt me. It's kinda like when I went to my cousin's wedding...we picked up where we left off. I imagine it will be more like "OMG, do you remember when we....." We were really, really close...worked all day, together, and then hung out at nights. I'm hoping N&J's dog, Creadance, is still around. He was a 100 pound lab that liked to sit on my lap
My gut says this is a good thing, and it rarely lets me down.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
((Kindeyes)) - I'm pretty certain that these friends wont hurt me. It's kinda like when I went to my cousin's wedding...we picked up where we left off. I imagine it will be more like "OMG, do you remember when we....." We were really, really close...worked all day, together, and then hung out at nights. I'm hoping N&J's dog, Creadance, is still around. He was a 100 pound lab that liked to sit on my lap
My gut says this is a good thing, and it rarely lets me down.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I see wonderful recovery in your post here, Amy, but I've come to see that in most of your posts.
Making amends is a huge part of recovery. I think it has 8 steps before it because we need to be sincere, and we also need to accept whatever the response may be. It's about keeping our side of the street clean.
I too disconnected with many old dear friends when I was consumed by my codependency. When I began connecting again I was surprised to find two quite different responses...one was like you described, we just picked up where we left off and were comfortable catching up. The other was a coolness, even after the connection. I don't think it was so much about being cool to me, it was that both our lives had changed and we were no longer the people we used to be and now had little in common.
Regardless of the outcome, I am glad you are doing this and hope it goes well for all of you. Life is meant for sharing with friends, I think. And I'm glad you share yours with all of us.
Hugs
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
I too disconnected with many old dear friends when I was consumed by my codependency. When I began connecting again I was surprised to find two quite different responses...one was like you described, we just picked up where we left off and were comfortable catching up. The other was a coolness, even after the connection. I don't think it was so much about being cool to me, it was that both our lives had changed and we were no longer the people we used to be and now had little in common.
Regardless of the outcome, I am glad you are doing this and hope it goes well for all of you. Life is meant for sharing with friends, I think. And I'm glad you share yours with all of us.
Hugs
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Ann
As always, you worded that so beautifully.
Amy
There's nothing quite so wonderful as a great big dog who views himself as a lap dog. I have one of those (greyhound though) and I just love that he wants to crawl into my lap and get and give lots of love. We'll look forward to hearing all about your reunion with old friends (canine and human).
gentle hugs
ke
As always, you worded that so beautifully.
Amy
There's nothing quite so wonderful as a great big dog who views himself as a lap dog. I have one of those (greyhound though) and I just love that he wants to crawl into my lap and get and give lots of love. We'll look forward to hearing all about your reunion with old friends (canine and human).
gentle hugs
ke
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