pacificsunrise

hello everyone,

i haven't posted anything much about myself lately, just been reading others' posts.

i got a lawyer and he should be coming up w/ a letter to my AH as far as him seeing the kids in some kind of supervised environment since there is a concern about his substance abuse.

today, i thought i was doing better (despite certified letter that came yesterday from AH listing his complaints about not being able to get in touch w/ me, not being able to see kids, my "mental" diagnosis, me not being willing to attend family counseling, etc., ending in saying that he will file for separation in May). anyways, i had a pretty good day, tried not to worry too much about the letter since he typed it up himself and had one of his ex coworkers to notarize it. then i took it to my lawyer just to be sure.

late in the evening i came back to my parent's house and my mom handed me 3 cards from him that he had left at the door while i wasn't there. one for me and each of the kids. the cards were nice and had a gift card in each for us. great.

i mean just by the time i get myself to the point of being ok w/ him being in his denial and blaming everything on me and i accept that as his doing, so i can move forward, he does something nice.

and then i didn't call him or anything b/c at this point i really don't even know what to say any more, he calls and sends texts saying how we're done and i don't want the marriage any more and blah, blah, blah.

i can almost bet that tomorrow i might get some nice texts.

it is just so tiring. i go through all these motions in order to try to free myself from thinking about him and he just keeps on popping up.

and then his denial. i'm not sure if he really doesn't get it b/c of drugs or if he is just deflecting the attention from himself on any and everybody around him, and it really doesn't matter (i'm almost there where i can accept the fact that his denial might go on for years to come).

i think that i made some progress, however minute it might be. now i catch myself thinking about why he did this and that and i can actually redirect my thoughts by saying, "it is not important why he did it or what is he going to do, important is that i do what is best for me and the kids" and to me that is huge. to be able to move just one step away from focusing all my energy on him is a big deal.

thank you all for reading my post and letting me vent. i will try to keep you posted more on the events.

P.S. heard my new baby's heartbeat today for the first time and in 5 wks i'll know if it is a boy or a girl. kinda sad that i can't call my husband to share it w/ him, but it will be ok. thank you again everyone.

stacylove

pacificsunrise, Thank you for sharing and venting, How long have you two been apart? How far are you in your pregnancy? I'm sorry you have to go through your pregnancy without the father. I know that must be really hard, especially with all of the extra hormones flowing.

Not only do you have to work on yourself for your own sake, you have to do it for the little one growing inside of you.

I hope you can take each day as it comes and enjoy the little things, afterall there are so many of them Stay strong and be proud of yourself, you are fighting a difficult battle. It is hard to let someone go, and you have to get through this one moment at a time. Enjoy your time with yourself, even if he didn't treasure and respect his time with you, you have to respect yourself and your decisions, in your heart you know you are doing the right thing

Hang in there,

<3 Stacy

Impurrfect

(((PS))) - I think you are doing well. A friend of mine, was falling out with her husband, and she said she finally got the point where she'd had it. He sent her a dozen roses, and she told him "too little too late" and moved on.

Keep up the good work!

Love, hugs, and prayers,

pacificsunrise

Stacy,

thank you for the encouragement and your response. i and the kids have been away from home and staying w/ my parents for 1 month now. we have been married for 5 yrs, known each other for 13. this is our 3rd child (my other 2 are 4 yrs old and 17 months old).

it's easier w/ time. this is not my first time leaving. i had all of the last year to practice (kicking him out or leaving w/ kids).

again, thank you for your support.

pacificsunrise

thank you Amy for the encouragement.

i don't think i have the strength of your friend....not just yet, but in due time i think that i will get there. right now he can have his denial and i'll keep my slow progress.

thank you for your post. hope you're having a good day.

P.S. i found your story the other day and just wanted to say that i'm sorry for all that you have been through. your courage and strength are a great inspiration and i'm very proud of you.

thank you for everything.

newnormal4me

I'm in the same boat. It's extremely hard. Especially when you realize it could all be so different if they would just friggin admit the issue and do something about it. But no... Leaves one with no choice but to do the next right thing. I'm making slow progress too, but its progress nonetheless. Hang in there.

pacificsunrise

newnormal4me,

thank you for replying. any progress is better than being stuck on the same "merry go round" of addiction. now i can see that progress is possible, it's difficult, but possible, and suddenly not so much out of reach like it used to be once.

stay strong and keep going and things will get better.

hugs and prayers.

drinkingwater

I agree with cynical one... proceed with caution!

tam

pacificsunrise, I am in the same boat, maybe a little different scenerio but going through tuff times with divorce/seperation.
Please please take the advice and let go and keep your distance from your AH,I have been going through this for 14 months and regret having had contact with my AH as it not only drove me insane, it also all came back to bite me in the a...I went back on that roller coaster ride and it didnt change
as a matter of fact it got wilder.
keep taking care of yourself and your kiddies , protect yourself and your children from him.
dont believe a word he saids , dont let his nonsense accusations get to your either (btw, I was told I was a witch, mental case etc.by his attorney and him also receiving I love you very,very much you were a great wife messages) yet we were married for 27 years?? at our first court meeting the judge didnt think highly of my AH and that was my first sign that I was going to be okay, I received validation from someone with high authority and alongwith my HP I think we will make it through. after that I went no contact.
they will try to make you break,(attorneys too) he will try to make you break and you cant let it happen, as you stated and I can verify that if you do, your back to square one and we know it was a nightmare living with them.
I can say it does get better, yeah it hurts, yeah its sad, yeah you get good days and bad ones, but not living with it is a far cry from the stress and worrying of trying to move on.
Keep focused on what you want for yourself and your children, I think your doing great and know you deserve happiness. take the appropriate steps to gain it, keep working on your recovery as you are
if your lonely, if your frustrated if your scared or sad, come on here, talk to someone close..think it out and take a break..things didnt happen over night to us nor will they go away overnight, but please know in time it gets better.
one day at a time, one minute at a time..
sending you a huge hug!!

Kindeyes

Oh boy.....takes me back a few years. I also put up with a bunch of nonsense from my exhusband for quite a long time. Once I finally made my mind up to file for divorce, I got the pleading, crying, promises, requests for forgiveness, stalking.....you name it. But it was all a little too little a little too late.

I proceeded and have no regrets. I am now married to a wonderful man (26 years this year). There is life after divorce.

I love what I read in a book by Cheryl Richardson recently. She spoke of people in our lives and how we often perceive them as negative or positive--a very black and white view. She suggests that we view them as "spiritual change agents" instead and keep them in a very neutral position. They are simply people who cause us to change in some way or cause our direction to change. I liked that. The addicts in our lives are "spiritual change agents".

I hope that you'll keep doing what you need to do for yourself and your children. It's so good that they have you to care for them and love them.

gentle hugs
ke

pacificsunrise

thank you guys so much for responding.

i didn't have a chance to log on yesterday, but i needed your posts. yesterday and today, i did find myself going back and forth thinking maybe i should talk to him or see what the status is, etc. yesterday, he left a voicemail saying that he is doing his part by going to counseling and told me where and the name of his therapist. i called the place and they are counselors for mental health and substance abuse and do have a therapist by that name. so i was hoping for some improvement, although i don't see counseling every here and there as a big help when it comes to cocaine.

i tried calling him last night, but he didn't pick up. i didn't leave message.

anyways, so after reading your posts i do feel a little bit better.

thank you cynical one for this one. i think i needed to be brought back to reality. i almost forgot myself how good he is at that. thank you, thank you.

thanks everyone for giving me good advice. love all of you and hugs and prayers to you.

nothing2011

As my saying goes I am married to a good man but a BAD boy. When in active addiction he is like a little boy period and when he's clean he is a WONDERFUL person. But in my current situation I have another child on my hands that I DO NOT have the time to babysit any longer when they are in active addiction I feel like I'm babysitting even if is has disappeared my focus is, where is he, is he dead or alive, etc. when now my focus is on my wonderful children if daddy leaves now mommy doesn't care we get to have fun. And I will occupy my time with my children not allowing myself to think about what he's doing that is his choice he knew it when he made it and he knows what he's doing when he's doing it, so I will no longer assume my attention on that I will find something positive to put my attention towards. My suggestion is find something you love to do and go do it Hope this helps and will be praying for you

MissTara

In my expierence, they KNOW that we are going to come back to them, just like we KNOW it. Until that is, when we are ready to take care of ourselves first. I hope you make the choice that is best for you and your children. In the meantime, keep sharing and venting and reading. =)

pacificsunrise

thank you guys for replying and encouraging me.

right now i'm thankfully nowhere near ready to go back not i plan on it any time soon. sometimes, though it is so hard to resist the temptation of hoping that this time things will be good and everything will be peachy all of a sudden. i better stop even writing it b/c this kind of thinking is what has kept me in the turmoil for the past so many years.

thanks again for giving me hope and letting me share.

hugs and prayers to you all.

pacificsunrise

thank you anvilhead for keeping up w/ me. and thank you for your encouragement and advice.

hugs and prayers.