will i make it
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will i make it
so again i stand at a crossroads so to speak and i don't know if i will make it to the right direction or find myself passing through the same territory again.
i sort of feel like i graduated one level but am not quite ready to advance to the next stage. like after a long summer, you had refreshers the first few weeks back to school. maybethisis part of the ups and downs.
everytime there is a diffferent perspective. i remember at times jsut giving up on any beleif in her seekeing recovery. then i'd see positive signs, back and forth. last we talked she admitted to screwing up some opportunities to get help, even to get on methadone. what sucks is the other times that things go wrong for her that get in the way. of course, i do not know the full story to anything.
i am still slowly working on my stuff. i have trouble keeping motivated. like redoing my painting space. i havent used it in about a year. and as i set it up i just get that feeling that its not as imortant as her. thisis something ineed to work on.
as well as my rambling without direction.
i guess i posted today becasue i feel two things again. i feel my recovery setting in, but i also feel a longing for her- sorta. i am worried because she is without a place again and last we spoke for the fiorst time it sounded like she was giving up on herself. that is a whole new set of fear for me.
i hope i can get started painting soon, and i hope it takes again.
i want to know she is safe and hopefully working on getting on methadoen. i don't fully agree with it, but its not my choice. it may be what she needs. it worked for her fora year inthe past. i know i am talking about her, but at least know that i am thinking about me.
sometimes i just get floored by how strong addiction is.
i sort of feel like i graduated one level but am not quite ready to advance to the next stage. like after a long summer, you had refreshers the first few weeks back to school. maybethisis part of the ups and downs.
everytime there is a diffferent perspective. i remember at times jsut giving up on any beleif in her seekeing recovery. then i'd see positive signs, back and forth. last we talked she admitted to screwing up some opportunities to get help, even to get on methadone. what sucks is the other times that things go wrong for her that get in the way. of course, i do not know the full story to anything.
i am still slowly working on my stuff. i have trouble keeping motivated. like redoing my painting space. i havent used it in about a year. and as i set it up i just get that feeling that its not as imortant as her. thisis something ineed to work on.
as well as my rambling without direction.
i guess i posted today becasue i feel two things again. i feel my recovery setting in, but i also feel a longing for her- sorta. i am worried because she is without a place again and last we spoke for the fiorst time it sounded like she was giving up on herself. that is a whole new set of fear for me.
i hope i can get started painting soon, and i hope it takes again.
i want to know she is safe and hopefully working on getting on methadoen. i don't fully agree with it, but its not my choice. it may be what she needs. it worked for her fora year inthe past. i know i am talking about her, but at least know that i am thinking about me.
sometimes i just get floored by how strong addiction is.
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Yes. Everytime I read your posts, I am FLOORED by how strong addiction is. Your addiction.
When I used to have CRAVINGS for CRACK, it got to a point where I just had to make the decision that CRACK was no longer an option for me in my life. And no matter HOW BAD I WANTED IT (and I wanted it pretty frickin' bad sometimes), it was something I was NEVER EVER EVER going to use again. I wanted a better life for myself more than I wanted crack and I was going to do WHATEVER it took to get that better life - including stay away from the people, places and things that triggered my addiction.
5 years later, I'm still here and I'm clean thank god. It took a lot of hard work and commitment. It also took making WISE choices, no matter how bad I wanted to give in to my ADDICTION.
Only you get to decide when you are truly done with your addiction. I strongly suggest no contact as a great starting point. Contact is not an option. It's unhealthy. And your health and mental well-being is at least as important as hers.
If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.
When I used to have CRAVINGS for CRACK, it got to a point where I just had to make the decision that CRACK was no longer an option for me in my life. And no matter HOW BAD I WANTED IT (and I wanted it pretty frickin' bad sometimes), it was something I was NEVER EVER EVER going to use again. I wanted a better life for myself more than I wanted crack and I was going to do WHATEVER it took to get that better life - including stay away from the people, places and things that triggered my addiction.
5 years later, I'm still here and I'm clean thank god. It took a lot of hard work and commitment. It also took making WISE choices, no matter how bad I wanted to give in to my ADDICTION.
Only you get to decide when you are truly done with your addiction. I strongly suggest no contact as a great starting point. Contact is not an option. It's unhealthy. And your health and mental well-being is at least as important as hers.
If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.
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anvil-
thanks and well said. something has changed in your replies to me- they seem more effectual. or there is a change in me that allows me to see your replies differently. either way- thanks, they help!
thanks and well said. something has changed in your replies to me- they seem more effectual. or there is a change in me that allows me to see your replies differently. either way- thanks, they help!
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hello-kitty-
you and anvil and many others are all in agreement about this. when i ask myself- what's best for me- i think no canotact. but then i say to myself i am strong enough to handle some contact. that comes from the guilt i feel at having no contact. i shouldnt, but i do feel guilt over that because i equate that as abandoning her.
i'm no longer looking reasons to stay involved, just relaying my feelings. tonight- work on my basement painting space.
you and anvil and many others are all in agreement about this. when i ask myself- what's best for me- i think no canotact. but then i say to myself i am strong enough to handle some contact. that comes from the guilt i feel at having no contact. i shouldnt, but i do feel guilt over that because i equate that as abandoning her.
i'm no longer looking reasons to stay involved, just relaying my feelings. tonight- work on my basement painting space.
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Steve, Steve, Steve
You might as well try to raise the dead in those asylums you visit, before you get some results with this girl. So it seems.
you might as well ask her to marry you, cause she's a "long term" project which you cannot shake off.
even if she does at some point start on methadone "let's say she does", what then? where will she live, work, how will she deal with her addiction since it appears she has way more than just one addiction. It is not only heroin. It is her whole life style. Her mental state, her emotional state, her physical well being, it's all wrapped up in one "ADDICT" package. Does she even want to change, or just keep on bull...shi..tting everyone for her next fix?
You might as well try to raise the dead in those asylums you visit, before you get some results with this girl. So it seems.
you might as well ask her to marry you, cause she's a "long term" project which you cannot shake off.
even if she does at some point start on methadone "let's say she does", what then? where will she live, work, how will she deal with her addiction since it appears she has way more than just one addiction. It is not only heroin. It is her whole life style. Her mental state, her emotional state, her physical well being, it's all wrapped up in one "ADDICT" package. Does she even want to change, or just keep on bull...shi..tting everyone for her next fix?
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kiki-
good points. sometimes i dont know if she wants to change or not. sometime i dont know if i want to.
i think what it comes down to sometimes is i want a nice clean happy ending. and ofr some reason i am afraid to let her go, ego, selfish, whatever it may be, i feel weird about it. but i am liking the return of sanity and will keep looking ahead.
good points. sometimes i dont know if she wants to change or not. sometime i dont know if i want to.
i think what it comes down to sometimes is i want a nice clean happy ending. and ofr some reason i am afraid to let her go, ego, selfish, whatever it may be, i feel weird about it. but i am liking the return of sanity and will keep looking ahead.
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Originally Posted by steve1840 
kiki-
good points. sometimes i dont know if she wants to change or not. sometime i dont know if i want to.
i think what it comes down to sometimes is i want a nice clean happy ending. and ofr some reason i am afraid to let her go, ego, selfish, whatever it may be, i feel weird about it. but i am liking the return of sanity and will keep looking ahead.
good points. sometimes i dont know if she wants to change or not. sometime i dont know if i want to.
i think what it comes down to sometimes is i want a nice clean happy ending. and ofr some reason i am afraid to let her go, ego, selfish, whatever it may be, i feel weird about it. but i am liking the return of sanity and will keep looking ahead.
look around this forum. you can see that even for people in "best" of situations are struggling to overcome addiction and it's very hard for them. with kids, families, houses and good jobs. How much more difficult is it going to be for her.
I think if you're hell bent on helping her, you need to prepare yourself to hold her hand be her "keeper" for a long time. Long long time. Unless you're prepared to do that, you're only fooling yourself day in and day out that she will change.
Maybe you can move on with your life but keep her in your heart at a distance. Have you thought about that? I have moved on and left those that would drag me down, but I never forgot them and even though I don't keep in touch, they're still part of my past and I'll never forget.
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that comes from the guilt i feel at having no contact. i shouldnt, but i do feel guilt over that because i equate that as abandoning her.
Is all honesty, just as the drugs are killing her, she is killing you. She is not doing one thing for you except DRAG YOU DOWN and play on your emotions.
So ............................ what is your next move? Stay in YOUR ADDICTION or go NO CONTACT?
Love and hugs,
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The only thing that has changed since your very first post last June is that you disregarded our advice that you just leave her be, and you injected yourself into the madness. She is still doing what she was doing back then. The only difference is that she got a few months use out of your home and your heart. Her situation has not changed but you have gotten yourself all tied up in knots for close to a year.
Was it worth it?
Was it worth it?
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Please go NO CONTACT.
This isn't healthy for you AT ALL.
You are trying so hard to hold onto her at your own expense. That is so so so so unhealthy, it is beyond codependency.
I hope you tell your therapist the full story. Here is why, you aren't just addicted to her, you now in that obsession catagory. Not the love sick kind but the more serious kind. The kind that refuses to see how destructive this is and is tied into some fantasy not based on reality.
Obsession isn't just about thinking a lot, we all have done that. This is an unhealthy emotional need that you want her to meet on some level. You know she can't.
Accepting it is hitting some more internal part of you that has nothing to do with her so you are stuck. How do I know this? Because of the length of time you have been at this and not stepping away, but stepping closer.
It isn't the sign of wellness Steve
I hope you are getting some type of concrete direct help with this.
Your pal, L.
This isn't healthy for you AT ALL.
You are trying so hard to hold onto her at your own expense. That is so so so so unhealthy, it is beyond codependency.
I hope you tell your therapist the full story. Here is why, you aren't just addicted to her, you now in that obsession catagory. Not the love sick kind but the more serious kind. The kind that refuses to see how destructive this is and is tied into some fantasy not based on reality.
Obsession isn't just about thinking a lot, we all have done that. This is an unhealthy emotional need that you want her to meet on some level. You know she can't.
Accepting it is hitting some more internal part of you that has nothing to do with her so you are stuck. How do I know this? Because of the length of time you have been at this and not stepping away, but stepping closer.
It isn't the sign of wellness Steve
I hope you are getting some type of concrete direct help with this.
Your pal, L.
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I wrote that and couldn't edit because I wanted to take the 'obsession' stuff out. That makes you sound creepy and I know you aren't that 
What I wanted to point is that this will take a more serious mental and emotional toll on you if you keep this up. That is what I was trying to say.
Healthy people step AWAY from harm, not closer to it.
Asking "Will I make it?" tells me you are really struggling still after all this time. A deeper struggle than before.
You will make it if you disengage, detach and get some direct help as well. If not you may pay a bigger price which could impact your job, life, etc (i.e. a breakdown of sorts or a deep depression). L.
What I wanted to point is that this will take a more serious mental and emotional toll on you if you keep this up. That is what I was trying to say.
Healthy people step AWAY from harm, not closer to it.
Asking "Will I make it?" tells me you are really struggling still after all this time. A deeper struggle than before.
You will make it if you disengage, detach and get some direct help as well. If not you may pay a bigger price which could impact your job, life, etc (i.e. a breakdown of sorts or a deep depression). L.
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Oh Steve ~
Don't you know that you are worthy of MORE?
Don't you remember how we have shared that you deserve more?
I posted this on a recovery page on FB this morning - maybe this could help you (I know most of it is written more toward a women's perspective - but I believe you can understand how it could apply to you) . . .
"I recently went over some of my notes on relationship issues - On trying to decide if You need to stay in a marriage/relationship ~ Thought I might would share it. Hope it helps each of you as much as it helped me. . . .
Think about how often does he worry about how this affects you, your children, your future, your finances, etc. - is his main focus is him, his problems, his issues, his disease
~ So ask yourself the question ~ Is this relationship mutually beneficial? how exactly do I benefit from this relationship? how are my needs meet?
when do i get to be the center of the attention ~ when I am weak and in need of nourshment, emotionally, mentally or spiritual - is my partner there to help, guide and lend support occasionally ~ or am i laughed at, dismissed or ignored?
My partner can't be my savior, but they can be a helpmate to comfort me ~ Comfort me out of love, understanding and care - NOT out of GUILT for a recent mishap, bad behavior or a ploy for physical contact.
Don't you know that you are worthy of MORE?
Don't you remember how we have shared that you deserve more?
I posted this on a recovery page on FB this morning - maybe this could help you (I know most of it is written more toward a women's perspective - but I believe you can understand how it could apply to you) . . .
"I recently went over some of my notes on relationship issues - On trying to decide if You need to stay in a marriage/relationship ~ Thought I might would share it. Hope it helps each of you as much as it helped me. . . .
Think about how often does he worry about how this affects you, your children, your future, your finances, etc. - is his main focus is him, his problems, his issues, his disease
~ So ask yourself the question ~ Is this relationship mutually beneficial? how exactly do I benefit from this relationship? how are my needs meet?
when do i get to be the center of the attention ~ when I am weak and in need of nourshment, emotionally, mentally or spiritual - is my partner there to help, guide and lend support occasionally ~ or am i laughed at, dismissed or ignored?
My partner can't be my savior, but they can be a helpmate to comfort me ~ Comfort me out of love, understanding and care - NOT out of GUILT for a recent mishap, bad behavior or a ploy for physical contact.
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Steve you are a very nice person because you care for the welfare of another person in your life, however, in the process you are neglecting yourself.
Whatever she was to you, was in the past, she was there for a reason, and part of the reason is to make you learn from this. Please learn from your past mistakes. You cannot help her, you can only help yourself. As long as you are worrying about her, you are not going to get better. As soon as you let her go, you can move on with your life.
Your life is full of wonderful opportunities, please don't waste them away.
Whatever she was to you, was in the past, she was there for a reason, and part of the reason is to make you learn from this. Please learn from your past mistakes. You cannot help her, you can only help yourself. As long as you are worrying about her, you are not going to get better. As soon as you let her go, you can move on with your life.
Your life is full of wonderful opportunities, please don't waste them away.
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Originally Posted by steve1840
hello-kitty-
you and anvil and many others are all in agreement about this. when i ask myself- what's best for me- i think no canotact. but then i say to myself i am strong enough to handle some contact
you and anvil and many others are all in agreement about this. when i ask myself- what's best for me- i think no canotact. but then i say to myself i am strong enough to handle some contact
That's what addicts do, btw. They have a period of clean time, they start to feel better, then they start the cycle again. I can handle one, right?
Originally Posted by steve1840
that comes from the guilt i feel at having no contact. i shouldnt, but i do feel guilt over that because i equate that as abandoning her.
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Yes. Everytime I read your posts, I am FLOORED by how strong addiction is. Your addiction.
From where I'm sitting, it looks like you've replaced one addiction with another. Until you do the necessary work for your addictive personality, the only thing that might change will be the names of your drug of choice.
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Thinking you can handle contact with her at this point is exactly the same BS as her telling you she can handle a little heroin now and again...no biggie.
If she uses, it's because she's addicted and she can't shake it.
If you contact her, it's because you're addicted and you can't shake it.
You are a lot of talk of self-care and hobbies and looking within, but the hard work is not picking up your drug of choice. How can you say you're in recovery if you are still using?
Stop seeking out your drug of choice.
Stop using it.
Stop dabbling in it.
Stop the twisted thinking that moderate use of it is ever going to be okay.
If you want her to stop using and seek recovery, what kind of example are you setting when you won't do the same.
Hypocrite.
And before you think this is all just spew at you, I was just this way for 10+ years. I had to stop my drug of choice (my EX) and live the recovery I always dreamed of for him. Do I know if he ever followed that example? No, and that's not for me to know. Also part of my disease is the need to be the one responsible for affecting change in him. It is only for me to live the example, stop trying to control his addiction, and stop being the hypocrite that I was. The rest is up to him.
Alice
If she uses, it's because she's addicted and she can't shake it.
If you contact her, it's because you're addicted and you can't shake it.
You are a lot of talk of self-care and hobbies and looking within, but the hard work is not picking up your drug of choice. How can you say you're in recovery if you are still using?
Stop seeking out your drug of choice.
Stop using it.
Stop dabbling in it.
Stop the twisted thinking that moderate use of it is ever going to be okay.
If you want her to stop using and seek recovery, what kind of example are you setting when you won't do the same.
Hypocrite.
And before you think this is all just spew at you, I was just this way for 10+ years. I had to stop my drug of choice (my EX) and live the recovery I always dreamed of for him. Do I know if he ever followed that example? No, and that's not for me to know. Also part of my disease is the need to be the one responsible for affecting change in him. It is only for me to live the example, stop trying to control his addiction, and stop being the hypocrite that I was. The rest is up to him.
Alice
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thank you sr friends. sorry i did not get to reply earlier, but work is still busy. i would like to give more individual replies to your posts, but my time is running out. perhaps over the weekend i'll logon, if not i will again monday.
it is always interesting to hear about being addicted to a person, that a person can be a doc, but i guess its true. i guess i find it easier to give up a substance than a person, but i get it. i guess ALL of you have had to do that in one way or another.
sorry to be so short, but work is closing and its friday.
i'll be back.....
it is always interesting to hear about being addicted to a person, that a person can be a doc, but i guess its true. i guess i find it easier to give up a substance than a person, but i get it. i guess ALL of you have had to do that in one way or another.
sorry to be so short, but work is closing and its friday.
i'll be back.....
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Doesn't matter how you label it, it is just not healthy for you.
A good friend of mine's sister is also a heroin addict, as bad (if not worse) as your friend. She lives with her mother who enables and and acts the addict's care giver -- like she is caring for a seriously disabled child 24/7. That is how bad the mom enables her.
Her mom thinks exactly as you do.. 'if only this, if only that'. Meanwhile mom takes care of EVERYTHING. Searches programs, cleans up after she pukes, panics and rouses her when she passes out, calls 911 when she has the occasional overdose, lends her some money because she can't stand to see her sick with withdrawals, spent thousands of dollars on top notch rehab programs, etc etc. The addict is 30 years old. She is so lost to heroin that my friend doesn't even remember what her sister was like sober.
It is NOT getting this grown woman any closer to recovery (we are talking years of this). It is not lessening the impact of the drugs, her usage has not 'decreased'. Meanwhile my friend (her sister) sees her sister slipping away and her mom losing touch with reality.
This mom's view is so distorted and she is so much in denial that she doesn't have the ability to see what she is doing is harming her daughter, her other kids and it is destroying her life.
I see parallels in your story. She may not be your child and you make half hearted attempts at boundaries but you are so enmeshed, like this mom, that the only way is out.
The only way my friend's sister is going to get help, is if her mom let's go and stops trying treating a grown woman as a sickly young and frightened child. Is if she lets her daughter face life as an addict on her own and all the consequences with trying to live that life without the mom's enabling. This can only happen if the mom let's go.
You have to do that too Steve. Let go.
A good friend of mine's sister is also a heroin addict, as bad (if not worse) as your friend. She lives with her mother who enables and and acts the addict's care giver -- like she is caring for a seriously disabled child 24/7. That is how bad the mom enables her.
Her mom thinks exactly as you do.. 'if only this, if only that'. Meanwhile mom takes care of EVERYTHING. Searches programs, cleans up after she pukes, panics and rouses her when she passes out, calls 911 when she has the occasional overdose, lends her some money because she can't stand to see her sick with withdrawals, spent thousands of dollars on top notch rehab programs, etc etc. The addict is 30 years old. She is so lost to heroin that my friend doesn't even remember what her sister was like sober.
It is NOT getting this grown woman any closer to recovery (we are talking years of this). It is not lessening the impact of the drugs, her usage has not 'decreased'. Meanwhile my friend (her sister) sees her sister slipping away and her mom losing touch with reality.
This mom's view is so distorted and she is so much in denial that she doesn't have the ability to see what she is doing is harming her daughter, her other kids and it is destroying her life.
I see parallels in your story. She may not be your child and you make half hearted attempts at boundaries but you are so enmeshed, like this mom, that the only way is out.
The only way my friend's sister is going to get help, is if her mom let's go and stops trying treating a grown woman as a sickly young and frightened child. Is if she lets her daughter face life as an addict on her own and all the consequences with trying to live that life without the mom's enabling. This can only happen if the mom let's go.
You have to do that too Steve. Let go.
Last edited by Babyblue; 04-15-2011 at 07:02 PM. Reason: unfinshed bits
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Originally Posted by steve1840
hello-kitty-
you and anvil and many others are all in agreement about this. when i ask myself- what's best for me- i think no canotact. but then i say to myself i am strong enough to handle some contact. that comes from the guilt i feel at having no contact. i shouldnt, but i do feel guilt over that because i equate that as abandoning her.
you and anvil and many others are all in agreement about this. when i ask myself- what's best for me- i think no canotact. but then i say to myself i am strong enough to handle some contact. that comes from the guilt i feel at having no contact. i shouldnt, but i do feel guilt over that because i equate that as abandoning her.
Glad you see you back, but sad that you are struggling so. And apparently with much the same problem.
I understand not wanting to abandon someone.
I can't count how times I said to myself,
"I am going to be the one person in your entire life, who did not leave you."
And, for me, I knew that when he saw that, truly saw it and saw the person inside that I loved so deeply, that would really be the ticket. (For him, him and me, his sobriety)
We only have one life.
I had to get off that train because I realized that I might spend the rest of mine loving and trying to prove something to someone who could not hear the message.
I am stupified as to why you haven't gone NC - I guess I thought that you had. Please, please, consider it. It was the only thing that saved me from staying stuck.
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