Marria

Well today is harder to deal with because I ended up having a bad ending to my work day which involved conflict and disrespect. I handled it as best I could and took some measures to minimise the impact on myself but it got to me all the same. Now this is exactly the kind of situation when I might buy a bottle of wine on the way home to deal with the stress and to comfort myself.
Also this evening will be solitary for me so thats another potential for opening up a bottle and finishing it off before bedtime. Another 6 hours to go before its time for sleep so I'm going to take it moment by moment and hopefully go to sleep completely sober!
A thought crossed my mind as I drove home. I imagined having a drink and then not mentioning it on this forum, but I knew I didn't want to hide the truth anymore. A step forward by being open and honest because even if I did avoid telling the truth I would know it and feel I was letting myself down most of all.

Tiredofdrugs

Marria:

Welcome to SR Marria. My DOC is opiates. But I know what you are feeling about soothing the hurt feelings, disrepect of others and the desire to just past the day with a little fix.

The only problem is: That fix doesn't work by numbing the feeling of what happened. Because it doesn't change what happened. You still have to go to work the next day. It's so much easier to handle situations with a clear mind. You think better, things are easier to remember and you don't have to wonder if you said something wrong, while you were messed up.

If you've always got the next drink/fix on your mind, you aren't focused on the things going on around you. You stay agitated, angry and ready to bolt as soon as the time clock chimes, time to go.

Being alcohol/drug free leaves us to enjoy our days with so much more peace in ourselves. Dealing with problems at home and on the job are easier to handle and to work thru.

The need for our DOC, while using, only increases with each day. It will take more and more to fulfill the feeling we are striving to reach. And this my friend can get really bad. More abuse, more memory loss, more loss of money, loss of work due to being hung over from the night before and your integrity.

Think about what your drinking can cause you to lose. It can be a lot, with just the loss of your job.

Best of luck to you.

TOD

Anna

Good for you, Marria! You're stepping into the light and the honesty of recovery.

And, getting through today, will make the next time easier for you.

silly

I definitely know how you feel, Marria. Work stress was a HUGE reason I used for drinking every night. Well, it was an excuse, actually. But then the last six months before I quit drinking, the stress got worse and worse and suddenly I couldn't wait to get home. So I would drink on the way home. And when I'd wake up for work in the morning the anxiety of the day ahead would push me to drink before work. Finally I was drinking at work. Oh what a cycle I created for myself!

Mcribb

good for you. It's hard enough no to drink, let alone having a job. Alot of people I know are pretty much done working just to focus on their recovery.

OklaBH

I'm so proud of you! Gawd when we have problems at work it hurts to not drink over it.

StPeteGrad

I'm pretty much right there with Silly. I created absolute chaos for myself at work and found myself demoted and demoralized and even more stressed out. I'm getting ready to leave work right now and fight an hour and a half of Seattle rush hour traffic. I didn't ever think there would be a way to do that without a beer in my hand. I'm super stressed right now but drinking is what has put me where I am.

Dealing with stress? I'm super OCD on Peppermint Tea and M&M's. I may look a little funny, but I can't get in trouble the same way with it. I think it helps to find a replacement.

Hang in there...

tyler

Looks like about 6 hours have passed, hope you are having a good, sober night's sleep. I can totally relate to the work/stress thing. I know everyone mentions it, and it can be hard to kick yourself in the butt to do it, but I've found exercise to be really helpful in dealing with stress. Hope you have a better day tomorrow and welcome to SR!!

artsoul

Sometimes just the act of sharing helps - (even though it's not always the easier option). I had that same thought a couple times, too: How would I face SR if I drank? You just showed that your sobriety is more important to you than what others think. I really appreciate that you posted.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Nothing worse than conflict.....

recoverywfaith

Thank you for sharing your honesty and courage.

Missy7

I've considered not telling the truth on SR too--and my job is also very very stressful. And I know I have used that as an excuse to drink. It was a darned good one. I've never drank at work because my job is too important in my life, but the liquor cabinet is in the mudroom between the kitchen and the garage and I cannot tell you how many times I had a bottle in my hand before I put my purse down.

But I think your best bet, as you know, is to get to bed. I'm trying to get to that point tonight too. 9:15 here.

Do what is best for you. And you know what that is. I hope you made it. I hope we all do.

Marria

Well I did get a restless but sober night's sleep. The stressful situation is still there but I feel clearer about what needs to be done. Thanks for the encouragement about exercise too. I've been saying for years that I must do it, even just walking! I live in a place full of scenic walks by the sea so once I get started I know I'll enjoy it. Here's to what today will bring my way.

dfw

Marria, when I began the recovery process a friend sent me a link to David Foster Wallace's commencement speech at Kenyon college. It really helped me see that life is far too short to be pissed off at work, and that many people feel stressed out at their jobs. It's 22 minutes long, but worth every minute. It's geared towards people graduating college and lacks sugar coating about the workforce and day to day life of an adult. Everytime I've felt stressed about work since quitting drinking, I go home and instead of drinking I take the time to listen to this speech. Sometimes I'll even listen to it at work. Part 2 deals with work specifically.

I can't post links but it's on youtube, and called This is Water.

reggiewayne

Good Job Marria! Honesty! It's a new concept for me too...

The truth is when we live dishonest lives we are only hurting ourselves. I find that I am so much less likely to live a lie now that I'm sober than when I was drinking. I also find that I don't HAVE to lie nearly as often now. When I was drinking, I put myself in position when lying was actually needed. Calling in sick to work, telling my wife I'm working late so I could stop off at a bar, saying I was only on my 3ed beer when I was on my 6th and had to pulls right out of the bottle, lies, lies, and more lies....

I was lying because to live the way I was living - it was required....

Today, I don't live like that, and the result is - I don't have to lie like that.

Keep up the good work! You're doing great!!!

Marria

That sounds really interesting, thanks very much dfw. I've often felt stuck in my career but unable to change because of commitment to family and bills to be paid. In other words I have to be a responsible adult: pay my mortgage and feed my kids! Drink has often soothed my reluctance to be a grown-up. I actually believe that in sobriety I will be more focused on my work and have the energy to do a better job in as far as that is possible. Life is short, its true, and I want to live mine as well as I can.

Marria

[QUOTE=reggiewayne;2933336]
Calling in sick to work, telling my wife I'm working late so I could stop off at a bar, saying I was only on my 3ed beer when I was on my 6th and had to pulls right out of the bottle, lies, lies, and more lies....

I was lying because to live the way I was living - it was required....

Today, I don't live like that, and the result is - I don't have to lie like that.


Reggiewayne, I really identify with the lies you mention. For me I've mostly being lying to my children about why dinner is late or the shopping isn't done on time. Saying I met a friend for coffee when I had actually stopped off for a quick drink
I feel ashamed saying this but its all part of facing up to the truth... and as you say eventually the need to cover up with lies is no longer there. That sounds like a good way to live!

dfw

We're all humans and we're all in this together, be it in recovery from alcoholism, or avoiding the pitfalls of the everyday "rat race".

reggiewayne

[QUOTE=Marria;2933533] Marria - I think that is one thing you'll find / like here. We all relate. I never fit in anywhere in the past. I always had this dirty little secret - I was a drinker. ALWAYS! I could never find anyone like me. The only guys that drank like were losers (huh - interesting). I always made sure I was dressed well, spoke well, drank expensive booze, etc... I was not a drunk like the one's I'd see at the bar, but they were the only one's that drank like me....

The fact is, I was that guy. I honestly didn't know it at the time, but I was a drunk. I look back at how hopeless and sad I was and I feel bad for that guy. Now that I'm in recovery I don't even believe that I was really that guy.

For me, I must stay active in recovery or that guy will come back. The truth is, if I keep drinking, I'll long for the day that I was that guy because I'll be much worse in a year or two. We get worse, never better while drinking...

I am an alcoholic but I'm not hopeless. Today I have a future. I'm not sure what it will be, not sure if it's going to be good or bad, but I am trying to make sure it will at least be dictated by me and not by "drunk" me....

Best of luck to you! Keep coming around - we're glad to have you!!!

Jabbadabutt

Nice Reggie. Towards the end for me I just wanted to find other people like me because I felt like such an oddity. I had "it all" - that is, most everything I ever wanted - but I made it so hard to accept it. I sabotaged myself from feeling. First I sabotaged myself from feeling bad and stressed but then it progressed into sabotaging myself from feeling life's joys like my amazing daughter. Then I could not stop drinking. It grew into just what I read about...something larger than me. I felt alone in my addiction. I wanted desperately to be understood. For someone to relate to. To feel okay about my addiction. It started out as a great plan. Then my plan became my enemy. Now I fight everyday to win.

Thanks for your insightful posts around here.

soidog

I'm also in an incredibly alienating and stressful work environment. Like you, I used to drink nightly to cope, which of course just exacerbated everything negatively ten-fold. Although generally sobriety has done wonders for my sleep habits, it is still very difficult to sleep after an especially frustrating day. I've laid awake until 5 AM in the morning before I could get an hour nap before having to get up again for another day at work, feeling like a zombie. Still, I consider it a notch under the belt. The more often you are able to deal with bad work environments and maintain sobriety, the stronger your sobriety gets. Best of luck.