New Here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 83
New Here
Hello everyone, I registered here because I had been reading some of the posts and thought I'd share my own story.
I have a problem with binge drinking and controlling my emotions when drunk. I never really drank in high school, but in college my freshman year I drank a lot my first semester. It cost me a full ride scholarship...you'd think I'd have learned after that, that I had a problem with drinking. I didn't. I lost some friends from my hometown because of it, my long term college girlfriend because of it, but found solace in exercise for a few years. Then graduation happened...and I fell back into binge drinking pretty hard when I couldn't find a job. I had to move back in with my folks, due to my employment situation mostly, but to some extent my drinking hurt my finances as well.
I again, stop really drinking all that much for an extended period of time. I found a job, in my field of study (biology), and reconnected with a childhood friend. We soon began to date, falling madly in love with each other...then in the past few months my internal demons started to get the better of me when we would go out with friends. I embarrassed her with my drunkenness, blacking out, and we began to argue about my drinking.
I accompanied her to a wedding where she was a bridesmaid, and had already begun to contact therapists to talk about my alcohol problems. Well...at the reception I got belligerent, absolutely belligerent. She confronted me about it, and I said some extremely nasty things to her. All of this occurred in front of her parents, long term friends, and their parents. I feel ashamed and guilty every day for how much I hurt her. I still care about her a good deal, but she no longer wants to speak to me.
I've been seeing a therapist, going to AA meetings, and have started to delve into Buddhism and meditation as a spiritual path. I know things will probably never be the same between her and I, and that in all likelihood I lost what was, until this point, the love of my life.
I have been sober for 10 days now and I know it's not going to be an easy life from here on out, but for once I feel like I've shed drinking as an emotional crutch and am dealing with my emotions like an adult human being. My only question is...how long do I wait until I apologize to her and her parents? My therapist suggested waiting a month, but it feels like time is standing still and I keep dwelling on how much pain I've caused to those who care about me.
I have a problem with binge drinking and controlling my emotions when drunk. I never really drank in high school, but in college my freshman year I drank a lot my first semester. It cost me a full ride scholarship...you'd think I'd have learned after that, that I had a problem with drinking. I didn't. I lost some friends from my hometown because of it, my long term college girlfriend because of it, but found solace in exercise for a few years. Then graduation happened...and I fell back into binge drinking pretty hard when I couldn't find a job. I had to move back in with my folks, due to my employment situation mostly, but to some extent my drinking hurt my finances as well.
I again, stop really drinking all that much for an extended period of time. I found a job, in my field of study (biology), and reconnected with a childhood friend. We soon began to date, falling madly in love with each other...then in the past few months my internal demons started to get the better of me when we would go out with friends. I embarrassed her with my drunkenness, blacking out, and we began to argue about my drinking.
I accompanied her to a wedding where she was a bridesmaid, and had already begun to contact therapists to talk about my alcohol problems. Well...at the reception I got belligerent, absolutely belligerent. She confronted me about it, and I said some extremely nasty things to her. All of this occurred in front of her parents, long term friends, and their parents. I feel ashamed and guilty every day for how much I hurt her. I still care about her a good deal, but she no longer wants to speak to me.
I've been seeing a therapist, going to AA meetings, and have started to delve into Buddhism and meditation as a spiritual path. I know things will probably never be the same between her and I, and that in all likelihood I lost what was, until this point, the love of my life.
I have been sober for 10 days now and I know it's not going to be an easy life from here on out, but for once I feel like I've shed drinking as an emotional crutch and am dealing with my emotions like an adult human being. My only question is...how long do I wait until I apologize to her and her parents? My therapist suggested waiting a month, but it feels like time is standing still and I keep dwelling on how much pain I've caused to those who care about me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
Don't put off what you can do today. Communicate your feelings first to her, and then ask her how to approach her parents. You are young, this mistake doesn't have to be a bad as you are making it out to be. Get in front of it now and start doing the damage control. If every relationship was ruined due to a drunken outburst at a wedding there wouldn't be any relationships left. I have 27 years worth of regrets due to drinking, but I have been able to mend most of those relationships even when I was actively drinking.
I know it seems like the end of the world when this stuff occurs, but the reality is this isn't an end-all situation. Many people have trouble holding their alcohol, and events like weddings seem to be the catalyst for embarrassing moments, so you aren't the first to do it, and you won't be the last. The key is to quit drinking apologize for what you did, and ask for forgiveness. Good luck.
I know it seems like the end of the world when this stuff occurs, but the reality is this isn't an end-all situation. Many people have trouble holding their alcohol, and events like weddings seem to be the catalyst for embarrassing moments, so you aren't the first to do it, and you won't be the last. The key is to quit drinking apologize for what you did, and ask for forgiveness. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 53
I agree with supercrew that if you are sorry now and want to apologize and ask for forgiveness, that you should. However, I wonder why your therapist wants you to wait? Perhaps the therapist thinks that you are too new to sobriety that if it goes badly that you may not be strong enough to handle it? I don't think sitting on it and letting it fester in you is healthy either.
Maybe you should give your therapist a call and discuss why the lengthy wait. I think you also have to be able to accept that when you apologize, she may not want to hear it or forgive you and how you plan to handle that.
Maybe you should give your therapist a call and discuss why the lengthy wait. I think you also have to be able to accept that when you apologize, she may not want to hear it or forgive you and how you plan to handle that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 83
My therapist told me to wait because she figured the apology would mean more if I could say I've been sober for a month.
I do realize that she may not actually forgive me, but the only thing I can really do is apologize at this point. I talked with a few mutual friends and it seems like at this point she really needs her space and does not want to get back together, which is fine.
What's important in the immediate future is the need to work on myself because I want to change and be a better person, without alcohol.
I do realize that she may not actually forgive me, but the only thing I can really do is apologize at this point. I talked with a few mutual friends and it seems like at this point she really needs her space and does not want to get back together, which is fine.
What's important in the immediate future is the need to work on myself because I want to change and be a better person, without alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I'm really glad to hear you sound aware of your problem and have a good start on getting better. I am sorry things came to such an ugly had with your girlfriend.
As for timing I'm a bit on the fence but coming down on the side of the therapist. your GF sounds like she doesn't even want to see you at the moment and your therapist has a point about having a month sober being somewhat positive when you apologize.
Glad to have you here!
LaFemme.
As for timing I'm a bit on the fence but coming down on the side of the therapist. your GF sounds like she doesn't even want to see you at the moment and your therapist has a point about having a month sober being somewhat positive when you apologize.
Glad to have you here!
LaFemme.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 53
Given your explanation concerning your therapist's rationale and the state of affairs with your girlfriend, it makes sense. Maybe the time and clarity of sobriety will allow you to make an even better, heartfelt, and complete apology and she may also be in a better place to hear it. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Tucson Az.
Posts: 2
You seem to have a good handle on your part of the problem and that's a big deal, many never get to that point.
Not knowing you it's hard to say when you should make an amends, nor would I be inclined to tell anyone what to do anyways.
I'd ask my sponsor about it as well as consider what your therapist (he or she knows you) has said to you.
Personally I waited until step nine to take care of amends or apologies as my head had cleared enough to make ones that had little to do with ME and everything to do with what I had done to others.
Keep your chin up! Things get easier with time. Tim.
Not knowing you it's hard to say when you should make an amends, nor would I be inclined to tell anyone what to do anyways.
I'd ask my sponsor about it as well as consider what your therapist (he or she knows you) has said to you.
Personally I waited until step nine to take care of amends or apologies as my head had cleared enough to make ones that had little to do with ME and everything to do with what I had done to others.
Keep your chin up! Things get easier with time. Tim.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,359
Welcome dfw
You'll find a lot of support here
I agree with those who say actions speak louder than words so I would tend to focus on being sober for a while arather than cleaning up past messes for now.
I also think, when you do make the apology, that you try not to go in with the expectation it will change anything.
I found although it seemed years had passed for me...my bad behaviour was sometimes still very fresh in others minds - and deservedly so.
It may be received well, or not...as Anna says we can't dictate peoples responses.
D
You'll find a lot of support here
I agree with those who say actions speak louder than words so I would tend to focus on being sober for a while arather than cleaning up past messes for now.
I also think, when you do make the apology, that you try not to go in with the expectation it will change anything.
I found although it seemed years had passed for me...my bad behaviour was sometimes still very fresh in others minds - and deservedly so.
It may be received well, or not...as Anna says we can't dictate peoples responses.
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,522
dfw - The good news is, you're facing up to all this while you're still young. I wish I could say I'd had the sense to do that. I kept going, insisting on controlling it, until I all but destroyed my life. You will never have your life turn to chaos the way many of us have.
I know you're anxious to let your friend know how you feel - and I'd be wanting to do it asap too, but I think waiting just a little longer might be better. Give the smoke a chance to clear a bit - and yourself chance to heal some more. Then the right words will come to you.
Glad you're here with us.
TimVW - Great to see you here too!
I know you're anxious to let your friend know how you feel - and I'd be wanting to do it asap too, but I think waiting just a little longer might be better. Give the smoke a chance to clear a bit - and yourself chance to heal some more. Then the right words will come to you.
Glad you're here with us.
TimVW - Great to see you here too!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Hevyn 
dfw - The good news is, you're facing up to all this while you're still young. I wish I could say I'd had the sense to do that. I kept going, insisting on controlling it, until I all but destroyed my life. You will never have your life turn to chaos the way many of us have.
The saddest part? I was hesitant in my career change because I thought it would cut back on the amount of time I could spend out in bars. Now I no longer feel that need, and I have in fact been in a bar (my best friend was DJing that night) once since quitting drinking. I was drinking soda with an old college friend and I have to say...being one of the few sober people there, it was quite entertaining. I watched as drunk people milled about, pumping their fists in the air to the beat, and thought...man, I'm glad that's not me right now (but it probably was at some point in the past).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: toronto canada
Posts: 181
rain in my heart....
theres a bbc documentary about six alcoholics in england ,and the film crew films them over the course of a year.
if you want to see the devastating truths of this disease watch it ...it WILL shock you to your core.
it is on you tube in 10 parts about an hour and a half..
the reality of alcohol at its worst
theres a bbc documentary about six alcoholics in england ,and the film crew films them over the course of a year.
if you want to see the devastating truths of this disease watch it ...it WILL shock you to your core.
it is on you tube in 10 parts about an hour and a half..
the reality of alcohol at its worst
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
dfw...the nick come from your literary pursuits, by any chance? If so, the guy had a lot of good stuff, even if he wasn't able, ultimately, to exorcise his demons.
If you're in AA, my suggestion is to get yourself a sponsor and take the steps. We have a step for amends...and it's number 9. There's a reason it's so far down the list--we've found that amends are best offered after we've gotten right in a spiritual sense, and with ourselves, so that by the time those amends are offered, our motives are clear and selfless.
Some of my amends I didn't even attempt to make until I was more than a year sober. Why? I had such a long history of screwing up that certain people weren't going to see a week, or a month, or six months sober as any kind of commitment to change on my part. Approaching someone who was still stinging from my behavior, telling them that I was trying to be a better person and wanted to make things right? Not after ten days.
Good luck. Get a sponsor. Take the steps.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
If you're in AA, my suggestion is to get yourself a sponsor and take the steps. We have a step for amends...and it's number 9. There's a reason it's so far down the list--we've found that amends are best offered after we've gotten right in a spiritual sense, and with ourselves, so that by the time those amends are offered, our motives are clear and selfless.
Some of my amends I didn't even attempt to make until I was more than a year sober. Why? I had such a long history of screwing up that certain people weren't going to see a week, or a month, or six months sober as any kind of commitment to change on my part. Approaching someone who was still stinging from my behavior, telling them that I was trying to be a better person and wanted to make things right? Not after ten days.
Good luck. Get a sponsor. Take the steps.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
