Obsessing/controlling the future
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Obsessing/controlling the future
Hi there. First, just wanted to say that you are all amazing, and your forum has really helped me these last few days. I hope that I too, can one day become as strong and wise as you all!
Brief history: My husband has been in rehab for just over 2 days. I guess I’m glad he’s there, but I really think I’m most glad b/c I was relieved to have him out of my life/my hair. I thought I might feel depressed and overwhelmed w/ our two little kids and being by myself, but it’s been nice. I have divorce papers drawn up, but I need more time to decide if I am going to file them—it HAS only been 2 days. His last relapse was enough for me to call it quits. I handed him the petition and he was checked in the next day without an ounce of input/nagging from me. So, right now, I’m leaning towards the idea of a separation now and once he’s released, see how he does while staying at a sober house. He’s not coming back to our house.
I can’t get past getting angry at him though. I have grown to hate the life that we have when he is using. He’d had a good year clean and then used in December and it’s been 4 mos. of weekly/bi-weekly relapses. I recognize some things over the past few mos. that were counterproductive—OBSESSIVE checking, rescuing, all the classics. I’m sure all of that contributed to the regular relapses. The problem was, he was going to meetings every single day, going to his therapist weekly and doing so very well in between that I’d always thought this time would be different. He’d use during the day and go to meetings at night. I never understood this. His pattern was to pawn his work tools or borrow money from co-workers, buy drugs, and then get everything out of pawn and pay the co-workers back when he got paid on Friday.
So, my real concerns are with his job/money. These are real issues that affect me and my children. He carries our health insurance, pays half the mortgage, bills, groceries, etc. We have a joint account, because that’s what married people do, right? So I guess, what I’m wondering is how to handle the money thing. I mean, do we get separate accounts? . It will be very difficult to try to do it ALL on my own financially (likely not even possible). And is it fair of me to ask him to contribute to our household if he’s not going to be in it? Keeping the account joint, but not allowing him access seems controlling, not a boundry? I want to protect our money, but I’m feeling as if I’m trying to control it. I want to stay away from these codependent behaviors, but I do have myself and children to keep in mind.
Also, his job is a huge trigger for him, and that’s another concern I have. I believe his success will be so much greater if he gets a different job. He’s been w/ the company for 8 yrs., has excellent benefits and lots of room for advancement. However, he’s got TONS of downtime, drives in bad neighborhoods with no accountability. Every time he uses, it’s at work. I realize that he WILL lose his job at some point. I don’t know how he still has it, but I am glad he does. Maybe losing his job would be the best thing? I am lost between finding the line of control/security in this issue.
I hate that I am anxious and obsessing about this, and I am trying to not over-control the situation, but the security of myself and children remains and will remain my priority.
Go ahead, give it to me good. Is this a raging codependent behavior?!
Brief history: My husband has been in rehab for just over 2 days. I guess I’m glad he’s there, but I really think I’m most glad b/c I was relieved to have him out of my life/my hair. I thought I might feel depressed and overwhelmed w/ our two little kids and being by myself, but it’s been nice. I have divorce papers drawn up, but I need more time to decide if I am going to file them—it HAS only been 2 days. His last relapse was enough for me to call it quits. I handed him the petition and he was checked in the next day without an ounce of input/nagging from me. So, right now, I’m leaning towards the idea of a separation now and once he’s released, see how he does while staying at a sober house. He’s not coming back to our house.
I can’t get past getting angry at him though. I have grown to hate the life that we have when he is using. He’d had a good year clean and then used in December and it’s been 4 mos. of weekly/bi-weekly relapses. I recognize some things over the past few mos. that were counterproductive—OBSESSIVE checking, rescuing, all the classics. I’m sure all of that contributed to the regular relapses. The problem was, he was going to meetings every single day, going to his therapist weekly and doing so very well in between that I’d always thought this time would be different. He’d use during the day and go to meetings at night. I never understood this. His pattern was to pawn his work tools or borrow money from co-workers, buy drugs, and then get everything out of pawn and pay the co-workers back when he got paid on Friday.
So, my real concerns are with his job/money. These are real issues that affect me and my children. He carries our health insurance, pays half the mortgage, bills, groceries, etc. We have a joint account, because that’s what married people do, right? So I guess, what I’m wondering is how to handle the money thing. I mean, do we get separate accounts? . It will be very difficult to try to do it ALL on my own financially (likely not even possible). And is it fair of me to ask him to contribute to our household if he’s not going to be in it? Keeping the account joint, but not allowing him access seems controlling, not a boundry? I want to protect our money, but I’m feeling as if I’m trying to control it. I want to stay away from these codependent behaviors, but I do have myself and children to keep in mind.
Also, his job is a huge trigger for him, and that’s another concern I have. I believe his success will be so much greater if he gets a different job. He’s been w/ the company for 8 yrs., has excellent benefits and lots of room for advancement. However, he’s got TONS of downtime, drives in bad neighborhoods with no accountability. Every time he uses, it’s at work. I realize that he WILL lose his job at some point. I don’t know how he still has it, but I am glad he does. Maybe losing his job would be the best thing? I am lost between finding the line of control/security in this issue.
I hate that I am anxious and obsessing about this, and I am trying to not over-control the situation, but the security of myself and children remains and will remain my priority.
Go ahead, give it to me good. Is this a raging codependent behavior?!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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Don't have too much time right now, so will be brief.
Welcome to SR. You have found a great site with lots of experience, strength and hope.
As to the money situation. Of course, it is fair to have him pay part of the bills even if he is not living there. He helped make those kids and is responsible for them just as much as you are, that means keeping food in their bellies, a roof over their head, the utilities on, clothes on their back, regular Dr visits, etc etc etc
Are You a in codie mode? Yes and No. You have 2 little children that you have to care for.
Looks like you have been doing some work on you. Just the fact that you already state he is not coming back there and must go to a sober living house when he gets out is quite a bit of growth.
Please consider trying AlAnon, although I do understand that may be hard with 2 little ones. There is also that really great book by Melodie Beattie "Co Dependent No More" which has helped so many of us.
Have more to say and will add it later, lol
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Welcome to SR. You have found a great site with lots of experience, strength and hope.
As to the money situation. Of course, it is fair to have him pay part of the bills even if he is not living there. He helped make those kids and is responsible for them just as much as you are, that means keeping food in their bellies, a roof over their head, the utilities on, clothes on their back, regular Dr visits, etc etc etc
Are You a in codie mode? Yes and No. You have 2 little children that you have to care for.
Looks like you have been doing some work on you. Just the fact that you already state he is not coming back there and must go to a sober living house when he gets out is quite a bit of growth.
Please consider trying AlAnon, although I do understand that may be hard with 2 little ones. There is also that really great book by Melodie Beattie "Co Dependent No More" which has helped so many of us.
Have more to say and will add it later, lol
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
its not raging, its called protecting yourself and preparing for what you feel is right and for your future.
after my AH left I immediately went to our bank and closed our joint checking account because I was told that if he bounced any checks I would be responsible. they were very understanding and kind and helped me open my own account.
with our credit cards, I contacted them as well and removed my name and my responsibility on them. if you do that, make sure you get something in writing.
I am the sole bread winner, he is disabled and worked partime, but since he left I have had to pay all the bills alone. its been difficult but we get through it.
I dont know if you doing the above things will intervere with his paycheck being cashed so you might want to check into it.
in any event, go open an account for yourself and put some money away
if a seperation would be the best for you than go with your gut instincts, maybe taking a break for awhile will give you time to concentrate and take care of yourself
hang in there, get your ducks in order and be strong..we are here for ya
after my AH left I immediately went to our bank and closed our joint checking account because I was told that if he bounced any checks I would be responsible. they were very understanding and kind and helped me open my own account.
with our credit cards, I contacted them as well and removed my name and my responsibility on them. if you do that, make sure you get something in writing.
I am the sole bread winner, he is disabled and worked partime, but since he left I have had to pay all the bills alone. its been difficult but we get through it.
I dont know if you doing the above things will intervere with his paycheck being cashed so you might want to check into it.
in any event, go open an account for yourself and put some money away
if a seperation would be the best for you than go with your gut instincts, maybe taking a break for awhile will give you time to concentrate and take care of yourself
hang in there, get your ducks in order and be strong..we are here for ya
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Thanks for the response. I want success for my husband, moreso to be a good father to our children. I feel like I could live with or without him. I don't want to keep taking him back only for him to fail and have to leave again. This is the first time he's been gone and my 4 year old really doesn't understand. My 18 month old is pretty oblivious. Again, I'm angry at him for this, so as far as our marriage goes, I'll be fine without him, but am willing to reconcile, provided he's got himself VERY together. It's so much to do with how much my kids love and need their dad. It should be as no surprise that he's the calm, patient, cool and collected parent, while I'm kind of the meanie. My daughter has a VERY special relationship with him. She's never seen him high or mean and he's never been absent. I hope he gets himself together, as his presence means so much to her. I want him to work on HIM, then his relationship w/ the kids, and then me last b/c I'll be fine either way.
I know that he will contribute financially whatever I ask him for, but I want to take out the control portion. He will hand his check over to me if I ask, but like I said, he's a big boy, and I don't want to be his mother and dictate where every penny goes. I'm just scared that if he's got access, and feels the urge to use, it'll be gone.
Thanks again for your input. I look forward to reading your insightful responses.
I know that he will contribute financially whatever I ask him for, but I want to take out the control portion. He will hand his check over to me if I ask, but like I said, he's a big boy, and I don't want to be his mother and dictate where every penny goes. I'm just scared that if he's got access, and feels the urge to use, it'll be gone.
Thanks again for your input. I look forward to reading your insightful responses.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
hi Wife2anaddict,
i want to say that i'm glad to see you posting, but of course wish you didn't have to.
from my personal experience, there is nothing wrong w/ closing the joint acct and opening up your own accts and protecting the money. i mean if you were in a mental hospital and had an out of control tendency to spend $, wouldn't it be a responsible thing for him to do to safeguard the $.
i had to learn the hard way. we had a joint acct 3 yrs ago that should have had about $10K in it, and once i casually mentioned it to my husband, he kinda made a joke of it. so the next day i went to the bank to find only few hundreds $ left. all this in a span of about 6-7 months. i closed the acct and never went back to having joint finances.
when asked he said that he was paying bills. i never knew that we had so many "bills" that would require cash withdrawals of about $200 every few days. since then, up until the point i left the house, i have been in charge of paying all bills and he would actually give me all of his paycheck except for a small amt for his personal gas and needs (he had other ways of getting drug $ and needed drugs).
you are lucky to be at home and not allowing him to come back. i wish i had stuck it out the last time i kicked him out, instead of leaving now w/ kids. at least i wouldn't be stuck in a small room w/ 2 kids (4 and 17 mths) at my parents' house.
well so much for me rambling on about my problems.
i just wanted to give you thumbs up on keeping all the $ and keeping a close guard on it. if not for you, you have to do it for your kids. and as laurie6781 already said, he does need to contribute to the household regardless whether he lives there or not. he may not have to be responsible for giving you $, but he does have to do his part for the kids. it is not their fault that he decided to make choices that he did and it would be very sad for them to have to suffer the consequences.
anyways, sorry to make this so long.
stay strong and keep going. it will get better w/ time. hugs and prayers for you and your family.
i want to say that i'm glad to see you posting, but of course wish you didn't have to.
Originally Posted by Wife2anaddict
He carries our health insurance, pays half the mortgage, bills, groceries, etc. We have a joint account, because that’s what married people do, right? So I guess, what I’m wondering is how to handle the money thing. I mean, do we get separate accounts? . It will be very difficult to try to do it ALL on my own financially (likely not even possible). And is it fair of me to ask him to contribute to our household if he’s not going to be in it?
i had to learn the hard way. we had a joint acct 3 yrs ago that should have had about $10K in it, and once i casually mentioned it to my husband, he kinda made a joke of it. so the next day i went to the bank to find only few hundreds $ left. all this in a span of about 6-7 months. i closed the acct and never went back to having joint finances.
when asked he said that he was paying bills. i never knew that we had so many "bills" that would require cash withdrawals of about $200 every few days. since then, up until the point i left the house, i have been in charge of paying all bills and he would actually give me all of his paycheck except for a small amt for his personal gas and needs (he had other ways of getting drug $ and needed drugs).
you are lucky to be at home and not allowing him to come back. i wish i had stuck it out the last time i kicked him out, instead of leaving now w/ kids. at least i wouldn't be stuck in a small room w/ 2 kids (4 and 17 mths) at my parents' house.
well so much for me rambling on about my problems.
i just wanted to give you thumbs up on keeping all the $ and keeping a close guard on it. if not for you, you have to do it for your kids. and as laurie6781 already said, he does need to contribute to the household regardless whether he lives there or not. he may not have to be responsible for giving you $, but he does have to do his part for the kids. it is not their fault that he decided to make choices that he did and it would be very sad for them to have to suffer the consequences.
anyways, sorry to make this so long.
stay strong and keep going. it will get better w/ time. hugs and prayers for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Wife2anaddict 
I recognize some things over the past few mos. that were counterproductive—OBSESSIVE checking, rescuing, all the classics. I’m sure all of that contributed to the regular relapses.
Nothing you did or not do contributed to his "regular relapses".
You are not that powerful. None of us are.
He's the father of your children and is obligated by law to provide for them, regardless of where he is living.
Get yourself a Plan B.
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