RustedBlond

Hi, I am Melissa. I have been searching the web for sites which can offer some help in understanding a strange new life I have found myself in!

I recently married my long-time friend and former high school sweetheart. We have known each other for over 30 years. He is three days away from being 14 years sober. Our marriage is a bit unconventional, in that while we love each other and were "in love" back in high school, we are now very good friends. What I mean is that there has been no "honeymoon" stage to end. These mood swings began during the first week in December; we had been living together only a few short weeks.

In an attempt to understand his illness, and with his whole-hearted approval, I have been attending his open meetings with him. I have heard the term "dry drunk" several times. That term, and my husband's monthly bout of dark moodiness, have led me to search for an understanding of his disease outside his meetings. I am reading the Big Book and doing a lot of research online. I am wondering if his moods have anything to do with this "dry drunk" phenomenon.

Before he and I married, he had been in and out of a lot of relationships. None of his ex's attempted to understand his illness. He has said they all resented his going to meetings, the women didn't understand that they couldn't "help" him with this part of his life. I understand that this is his illness. I simply want to understand it and how to live with him/it. His relationships have, according to him, been with women who have some serious issues, both with themselves and how they deal with relationships. When he gets into one of his black moods, he expects me to react to him as those women had. I don't. I won't argue with him. I don't yell back. I refuse to be manipulated. This is baffling to him.

This weekend was the most recent. He had told me that he gets a bit "squirrely" around his "sobriety birthday" and attends more meetings then. On Wednesday evening we went to a meeting, but and on the way home I noticed the changes in mood beginning - his voice seems deeper, his speech is sharper, more abrupt, and he becomes less tender/loving. He becomes down on himself and dwells in his past. We left Friday's meeting early because the pain from his earlier back injury was more intense. He seems prone to drama about little things and resorts to tears and constant sighing. He had not attended meetings for several months prior to us getting married. Not knowing anything about alcoholism, I didn't think to question this.

His dark moods always lead to his putting me down, threatening to leave, or taking unnecessary risks, in this case attempting to take a ride on his Harley while in so much pain he can't react to traffic situations! When he found out the battery on his bike was too weak to start, he decided to use a chain saw to cut wood.

During his many, many years of active addiction to both alcohol and drugs, he had a violent tendency. I do NOT believe he would harm me. I am afraid he would now turn on himself.

My thought was I would research it first, then talk to him about it. I don't know how to bring it up, or if I should. After reading many posts (and choosing a light-hearted one on height impairments to jump into), I am reluctant to mention any of this. My problems seems minor in comparison to ones I have read here. This gentle giant I am married to has won the hearts of my grandchildren and my cats... I can see the loveable imp I fell in love with back in high school just under the surface. I know the depths he has seen. I know he and I could have a truly blessed life...if only we can find a balance with this moods. He seems bent on tearing apart what we have. I am stubborn and strong. I can only focus on my part in this...and understand him. Your advice is appreciated.

FindingPeace1

Welcome! I am so glad you introduced yourself!

It is common to compare and say, "Well, mine doesn't xyz, so...maybe I don't belong here."
You are in just the right place.

What initially strikes me is he could be evaluated for depression. Would he be open to that?

There are many wise and wonderful folk that will be along shortly.
Some have many years of recovey under their belt (from codependency and/or other addictions). They can share their experience, strength and hope.

welcome.

p

wanttobehealthy

I am not a paragon of health about how to live with an A (mine has had periods of being a dry drunk as well as very actively drinking) but what struck me in your post is that for all the great things you are doing (not arguing with him, not reacting like all the other women he's know have done etc...) maybe you are still a bit too involved in his life.

I felt something in me cringe when I was reading bc there were things that reminded me of myself. Like the stuff you said about wanting to understand his illness, his telling you no one but you wanted to understand or help etc... My H has said similar things and I thought he appreciated my caring about him but I think that what he really wanted was to keep me close to his side and enmeshed.

Unless YOU are finding something useful for YOU at the open AA meetings, I'd suggest spending your time at al anon. If your H wants to go to AA and learn from it and live the 12 steps, he'll do that with or without your support. It sounds to me that the problem with his past relationships is that he made everyone and everything else the cause of his problems instead of looking at HIM.

I'm not doing a great job lately of not letting my AH get to me but I really am trying to let him focus on him and let me focus on me. I thought for a long time that "caring" about my H meant supporting him, worrying about him, trying to help him. But doing these things just keeps getting me hurt.

So, even if you feel you are being uncaring, just focus on you. Go to al anon, spend time with friends, let him have his monthly dark periods without you around to worry about him and let his actions tell you all you need to know about what he's going to do for himself.

I've got to say -- responding to your post is really helping give me me the kick in the pants I need for me to do the things I'm suggesting for you...So, in a selfish kind of way-- thank you for posting! You helped me when my intent in responding was to help you!

bellakeller

Is he Bi polar? I mean, maybe he has to explore the idea that he has some psych/ personality issues other than alcoholism...

RustedBlond

Perhaps, when I don't respond to his moods, he is looking at himself. The moods seem to be getting less intense. Perhaps they will diminish completely.

He didn't return to the AA/Steps until after the first dark mood (which was wickedly ugly); and he went alone to that meeting. I am trying to gain and understanding the illness and of him! This weekend, when he really submitted to his feelings, urges, darkness, whatever, I told him that I wasn't going to talk to him when he was only going to put me down. So I went to my dad's for a couple of hours, had a nice breakfast (didn't share with dad why I was there, breakfast was supposed to be at our house, I simply changed the venue and took breakfast with me, leaving some for my H). When I got back he was back to the nice guy. This was the quickest and calmest he's "reverted."

I am focusing on me: running, a master's degree, my business. And he knows I'm protective of and responsible for my own happiness - something I learned after a nine-year, abusive marriage. In THIS relationship, I wanted companionship and friendship. I'm an active/young 50. I want an active partner to spend my life. We do a lot of fun things, including motorcycling and walking. It's only been five months of living together and four months married... we'll see. I did ask if he'd consider getting checked - blood work or counseling for him, and he said yes, but hasn't acted and I haven't push, yet.

RustedBlond

You and all the others, your responses do help. And I'm glad if mine helped anyone else.

RustedBlond

DIVA! That's exactly it. Thanks for this...

coffeedrinker

RustedBlonde,

Welcome to this forum! I think you'll find a home here, a place where you belong.

Your man has some baggage. I believe we all retain some of that excess even when we do become sober, work the steps, get a healthier life and psyche. Humans are just complex creatures.

I would suggest distancing yourself from him when he gets ugly, and letting him know that when his mood flips, you're gonna leave for awhile. That way you can protect yourself and he will see that you're not going to stick around to be disrespected.

I don't know about "dry drunk" or anything else with him. He may be bi-polar. Do you also see him in manic phases?

As for the comments about his exes not wishing to understand....that could be just poppycock. Just because he said something, and even if he truly believes it, doesn't make it true.

ANEWAUGUST

Hi there..

Just a suggestion, but, why not let him attend his open meetings solo, and you might try Al-Anon meetings?

Speaking as a "double winner", I have to work my AA program without my spouse. Sometimes after a meeting my mood will be affected by what has been said, and I need time either with other alcoholics, or by myself to absorb it all. It is not uncommon for our moods to be more snarky then normal around certain anniversary dates, etc.

Al-Anon helps me deal with others who drink/drank in my life, yet I am still affected by those behaviors.

Just a suggestion from someone on both side of the fence

Shellcrusher

Welcome to the forum.
I'm not dealing with a Dry Drunk situation but one of the greatest things I've learned and practice is focusing on myself.

I can't suggest a course of action pertaining to your RAH other than do not forget about taking care of yourself.

realperson

I married a man that I fell in love with - he was sober before we met. After we married, he changed and goes through the same mood swings and makes poor decisions also....I had to laugh when I read your post. My husband was using a chainsaw two weeks after back surgery...he just can't ever sit still and gets anxious and loses any sense of reason.

I spent months researching dry drunk syndrome....wanted to know why and hoping that I could somehow help him realize that he was headed in the wrong direction. What did I discover? It doesn't matter why! Even if you could somehow poove it was dry drunk syndrome and find out the reason, it won't help.....I've learned recently that he just can't reason through things the way I do -- they see things through the disease...it's that thinking that gets them messed up. Last week, we sat through a meeting where three people talked about perfectionism and how it had affected their life...I thought to myself that it was wonderful that my husband heard it....he just couldn't make the connection and I've had to understand that it's the disease. He just doesn't see things the way we would.

That's not very comforting. My husband gets in moods where he won't talk. He belittles me and rages. (I've learned to go my own way.) He's had issues with his knee and then it was carpal tunnel and then it was his back....recently, he's back to his other knee...... For him, little things are HUGE issues. And he wants his concerns to be the center of attention - jump and help. I've learned that jumping just makes it worse....so I don't jump in to help him with his issue anymore. Part of his issue is perfectionism.

Now, I mention all of this because it sounds familiar to your story. Whether you realize it or not, he's trying to manipulate you - and I am glad you are not falling for it....but are you and you don't even realize it? That's my problem.

Think about the past women in his life. Were all of them really as bad as he said? (I have a feeling my hubby would say the same things about me to get his way...) My hubby has threatened to leave me already - I learned that this was a defense mechanism - he felt our marriage was threatened so he would threaten to leave to asure himself that I would stay.....

I don't know what the future holds for our marriage.....I am working that out. I've set my boundaries and am detaching....I just don't know how much misery I can take....by the way, I also suspected bi-polar or depression and convinced him to see someone.....we'll see....

marie678

My first thought was a mental illness as well, especially since he has been sober for so long. Substance abuse is highly correlated with mental illness....
I know you said his moodiness didn't start until you moved in together, but maybe you just didn't notice it until then when you all were spending more time together? Either way, I hope he figures out a way to keep his moods under better control. It sounds like you're doing well with doing your own thing when he starts acting negatively towards you. =)

RustedBlond

I wish you well and well! I am sure he is trying to manipulate me; I've been here before when I wasn't so strong, in another relationship. I only know of one of his exes that was truly as bad as he said, as I've talked with his son who was witness to much of their time together and she was pretty horrible! However, I know it takes two to tango. And I can't believe that he didn't contribute to the discontent as well.

I have learned in these few short months that I am stronger than I thought, and more in tune with my needs and what I will, and won't, put up with. I had hoped that our strong friendship would make for better communication. This is his biggest weakness. It is a skill he has not learned, and may never acquire. He is trying, but he can't seem to get from idea to verbalization. He actually believes that he has already told me something that he has not. I am paying particular attention (and have even made some notes, with dates - pathetic, eh?) It's not that I want to waive these details in his face. I simply want to assure myself I'm not the one who thinks something was said when it wasn't! I'm far from perfect, and, admittedly, my memory is even less so!!!

Thank you all for your contributions. They have helped. I am something of an introverted extrovert. I have close friends, but not in this town. Thank goodness for cell phones, email, texts, etc...and this forum. You are all appreciated by those of us who are bamboozled!

Babyblue

I also think it may have nothing to do with the alcoholism.

It is that chicken and egg thing.. maybe he drank to cope with these personality traits he has. Now sober, they are back.

Many alcoholics are self medicating because they have undiagnosed emotional or mental issues.

Buffalo66

Dry Drunk Syndrome


Here is a link to some dry drunk info.

Hope this helps, and Welcome here!

terry2768

I am new to all of this too, I visit SR everyday to learn more and more. The one thing I find bewildering about all this is... the seperation of telling each other things, it almost sounds like a roommate situation instead of a marriage, what about communication with your spouse? I feel I have to live my life and he lives his and if we meet in the middle great, is that how it is supposed to be? If so, then why stay married?

StarCat

I think marriage is supposed to be more like an orchestra.
(Or if you want to be a little more literal, like a duet.)

Each performer is responsible for knowing their own part, and doing it well.
All the instruments together form the whole, which is greater than the sum of its parts.
Synergy.

Nobody can force the others to learn their parts.
Nobody can neglect their own part to try and teach someone else their part, because the whole still suffers.
But you can always make yourself available to practice together.

It's a beautiful balance.
But throw off the balance and you destroy the whole.

RustedBlond

This is beautiful... consider poetry??

Babyblue

Awesome post Starcat!!