departure

I can say no to drinking, but when I say yes, it's almost a certainty that I don't stop.

I usually don't drink during the week, but come Friday, Saturday, Sunday - all bets are off. I am beginning to realize that moderation may not be something I can manage. On Friday, a friend came over and we probably consumed about 2-1/2 bottles between the two of us. I ended up having a fight with my husband that the alcohol only intensified. Saturday, I was feeling a little hungover. I ended up having a beer before noon, then a bloody mary, then an entire bottle of wine. Yesterday, I was cooking with wine and finished off the bottles I used to cook with and then opened another and had another glass or two. I woke up in the middle of the night and could not remember if I had fed my family dinner. I went to get a glass of water from the kitchen and could tell that we had in fact sat down and ate dinner together. I just don't remember it.

I got my water, hid the wine bottles I had emptied, and went back to bed and lay awake thinking about how awful I felt that I don't remember sharing dinner with my family.

I need to admit that I have a problem. I keep thinking I can control it. I don't need to drink, but when I do, I don't seem to be able to limit myself to an amount that seems acceptable. I think I'm afraid to stop completely. Not stopping isn't working out to well though. I don't know what to do. I'm considering going to an AA meeting at lunchtime to check it out. I don't want to be an alcoholic, but I'm afraid that I am.

doggonecarl

Welcome. AA will probably provide a lot of insight into your problem, as will SR, and help with your fear of quiting when you see others who have been successful.

Good luck.

sarah14

welcom departure,
It sounds like you are taking the right steps. Better to stop now if you think it's a problem. I have learned I can't moderate or just keep it to the weekends because that first sip of wine always leads to a whole bottle, and that's just too much.

Best wishes to you!

Anna

No one wants to be an alcoholic, but sometimes it happens. The best thing we can do is to deal with situation. Moderation is something that I spent a long time trying. Of course it didn't work and things ended up worse than they had been. Your story about waking up and not remembering your family dinner hit home with me because the same thing happened to me. Blackouts are very, very scary.

Know that it's normal to be fearful of stopping drinking, but that you can do it.

LaFemme

Welcome to SR!

Sounds kind of familiar, except I was doing that every day. I never even tried moderation because I knew there was no point, I'm an all or nothing kind of person.

Hope you can find the peace I have found in sobriety.

hugs, LaFemme.

EmeraldRose

Welcome Departure.
I know whatcha mean...there were many nights I didn't remember family time/dinner. Many nights I got up to check if the oven was off. The way the kitchen was left told the story.
I still check things now but with different intentions & only because now I rent and its just a safety precaution. Candles out, burners/oven off, doors shut, rabbits fed. LOL
It is hard when we feel like we are losing control of ourselves...we don't mean to but it happens. Hopefully, you gain strength and support here to make that final decision to quit for good. It is worth it.

elfgirl

Welcome!! I could have written your post. I quit drinking daily about 10 years ago, figured since I wasn't drinking all the time I didn't have a problem. Over the past couple years (now that I'm done with pregnancy and breastfeeding) I started drinking more frequently. Over the past probably 6 months I realized I had gone from drinking a couple drinks, a couple times a month, to drinking 5-6 drinks probably one weekend a month and a couple drinks the other weekends, to getting blackout drunk every time I drank, whether I really even wanted to drink or not. It was still limited to weekends, but still... I would wake up and not know if I'd cleaned up the kitchen, not remember putting the kids to bed, have to fumble for the right words when my son asked me if he could have an extra hug and kiss since I didn't tuck him into bed the night before. It stunk, but I wasn't sure if I really had a problem or if I really needed to quit drinking- especially since my husband doesn't seem to think I have a problem (I apparently maintain my outward appearance pretty well even when I'm operating in blackout conditions internally; that has caused more problems for me than I care to admit because everyone assumes I'm still in control).

It took me a very long time to say "I'm an alcoholic" and really mean it. I wanted to be able to moderate. I wanted to be normal. I've been sober for just over 5 weeks now and while I've certainly gone far longer than 5 weeks without a drink in the past, I'm starting to feel like I'm changing my future. I am never going to have to deal with the guilt and shame of not knowing what happened the night before again. Never going to have to worry that I've let my kids down. Not going to have to wonder if I did anything stupid or if I should have any regrets. Those are good feelings, and while I can't say I'm comfortable with the thought of never drinking again quite yet, I do know I'm comfortable with the thought of not drinking today, and right now in this moment, that's what's important.

Best of luck to you- and stick around SR. This forum has been an incredible source of support and encouragement for me!

departure

I went to an AA meeting. I can't believe I went. I almost chickened out a few times. I started crying immediately. I'm not sure if I am ready to say I am an alcoholic, but I am aware that I do drink alcoholicly. Waking up last night not knowing if I had fed my family is certainly not the worst thing I've done while drinking, but it really struck me and made me so sad. I really appreciate your comments and support.

I keep thinking about that open bottle of wine on my counter at home. I was thinking about dumping it when I got home, but than the thought creeped into my head that it is too good/expensive to waste, and even though I try to stay away from alcohol during the week, those excuses/reasons persist. There are other excuses that I provide to drink during the week too. If I don't have to work the next day I can drink; if it's a holiday I can drink; if i have a really lousy day than I can drink. Then I think about those bottles that I hid - someone without a problem wouldn't do that.

I'm dumping that bottle when I get home. I've got some thinking to do.

GettingStronger2

Yes, dump it out. The money is nothing compared to what drinking will cost you!

Good job going to a meeting. Keep going. It only gets better. As for declaring yourself an alcoholic, no need to do that. you can simply state your name should you speak or introduce yourself, or say that you have a desire to stop drinking. No need to say you are an alcoholic.

happyme

My story is so similar to your one. I can admit now that moderation doesn't work. It never will.

In a way, it's so much easier to say "i can't drink" than to obsess and worry over how much or when or where, and then to feel so wretched when you fail again at stopping once you start. I have spent so long lying to myself and trying again and again to moderate. 99% of the time it doesn't work and when it has (cause all the alcohol's gone say) I am left feeling so unsatisfied and angry because I want more.

So I actually feel quite free and liberated to just give up and say "I'm not going to drink at all"..

Having said all that, I am on day 3 since my last big binge. BUT things feel very different this time.. I've been reading here a lot and also looking at some recovery literature, trying to make a plan for myself to support the idea of "not drinking" and I really think that might help you too..

Missy7

I am so glad to see your post. I share your problem almost exactly. I'm highly functional and primarily drink on either weekends or on particular work nights when my load is light the next day. Can you imagine? I can go out drinking because I don't have a class in the morning...ridiculous.

But I have blacked out so many times...and I think it's happening with less alcohol now. Is that true? I just asked my husband yesterday what I had done on Saturday night--after I lost yet another nice piece of jewelry.

Let's push this though. Every time I black out I have tremendous guilt. That's because sometimes when I'm blacked out I'm, I guess uninhibited and my husband has used that to his advantage--I do not blame him, he's drinking too, but I wind up doing things I wouldn't otherwise do then I feel this deep sense of guilt.

Then the next blackout carries the same guilt.

And as for moderation--I am not sure I'll ever believe I cannot do it, but I just turned 50 and I haven't managed it yet. I too didn't drink during childbearing and breastfeeding, but taking those years out, I've been a real drinker (and recreational drug user--silly statement--meth for fun I guess) since I was thirteen.

Looked at that way I'm signing up for the Ginger Ale!

aussieblue

That is how it was for me at the end I did NOT need much alcahol at all to get drunk another poster said it is a sign of the disease progressing.

elfgirl

I think it's happening with less alcohol now. Is that true?

Missy, I'm not sure but I noticed the same "trend" before I finally said enough as well. Seemed like I'd have 2 glasses of wine and hit "brownout" where bits and pieces would be missing, but I always kept drinking. I'd wake up in the middle of the night with my clothes still on not remembering how I got there. I still have dreams of being able to moderate. A glass of champagne on New Year's, right? But realistically, once I make it "okay" to drink on one occasion, I'll find a reason that it's okay on another. And another. And as others have posted elsewhere, at some point taking out the trash will become an occasion.

The somewhat funny (not ha-ha) thing your post brought up for me is, I initially started drinking again so I could be more uninhibited with my husband. I have a lot of "baggage" in that arena, and alcohol takes away a lot of filters. Unfortunately, while I don't have sexual intent with other people (other than hubby), alcohol also blurs the boundaries of propriety and I get very touchy/feely and will kiss just about anyone (including family, friends, random strangers) in a more-than-friendly way. So my post-blackout mornings are (no, WERE) always filled with enormous anxiety, plenty of guilt, and intense feelings of shame. I abhor that feeling.

So here's to all of us- you drink your ginger ale, I'll drink my tonic with a twist, and we'll toast no more blackouts, no more guilt, no more shame. One day at a time.

LaFemme

Hi departure!

Give yourself a big pat on the back for going...that was very brave!

I hope you poured the bottle out. The last bottle I bought was a pretty good bottle and I poured it down the drain without drinking a single drop...best $20+ I ever poured down the drain

Maryjan

This is a great thread. i posted almost the same post in December, and I can now say that I am an alcoholic, and my life is so much better without drinking. I go to AA and am actively working the steps with an on-line sponsor. i am so proud that I am doing this while my kids are young. No one thought I needed to stop but me...and it was hard...and I wished I could moderate, and maybe I could have for a while...but the freedom I'm feeling is wonderful. i hope you give sobriety a try.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

I too eventually became a blackout drinker..it was a scary way to live.

The blackouts immediately stopped when I quit drinking

all my best

Dee74

Welcome Departure

D

Veritas1

I can share my experience with you. I could relate to what you described.

When I drank to the point that I had a hangover in the morning, and had a beer the next day...it was because I needed it.

To have a beer and then more drinks and keep drinking all day and night was absolutely because I needed it.

Once I started drinking...my body needed more.

I needed more to feel better the next day, because I didn't feel good from drinking too much the day before and night before...so I needed it.

If I can say no to drinking, but I wind up drinking too much, and then drinking again the next day...I need it.

Why would I do this if I didn't need it.

Did I just want to do this?

We need it. We like the effect of alcohol.

The problem is if we cannot control the amount we drink...we drink too much, and well you know the rest.

So...if you are anything like me...we have two choices.

Keep doing this, or stop drinking.

There will be some questions you could answer for yourself.

Is what you did alright with you? (no need to answer...here...you already said it bothered you...it's for you to answer to your innermost self)

Do you want to do something about it?

Here are some questions that I just heard from some recovered members of AA. Hope they may be helpful.

1. Do you want to live?

2. Do you want to quit drinking?

3. Can you quit drinking on your own power?

4. Can you rely on what this book says? (The book Alcoholics Anonymous)
( Have faith, belief, this can work for you too? The ideas in book and program.)

5. Do you believe that to show other alcoholics precisely how we recovered is the main purpose of this book?

6. Do you want what we have and are you willing to go to any length to get it?

7. Is for you to drink to die? (or would it just make you feel bad.)

What do you really believe?

Alcohol is the drug of no choice for the real alcoholic.

We might think we have a choice...but our very experience proves otherwise.

Watch out for any resistance to this idea. It will impede recovery.

Best wishes to you.

crisplover

I blacked out the other day and within that time drove home.

I have done a lot of very stupid things whilst drunk but when i do this, it's the worst for obvious reasons.

Still reeling from that and finding being in my skin not a comfortable place right now.

The worst thing is that I knew I was going to do it. I kinda 'hoped' I would walk home but knew that I really wouldn't.

The thing that I have learnt recently is that this is progressive, and although everyone progresses at different speeds and in different ways. We all get worse and worse and worse.

I know for a fact that if I continue to drink that I will wake up in my local police station soon and then I lose everything.

Veritas1

What makes me an alcoholic is the effect alcohol has on me.

When I take alcohol into my body, my body craves more.

Your first post reads that when you drink it's almost a certainty that you don't stop.

This is what makes us alcoholic. The effect alcohol has on us. When we drink, we don't stop.

It's an abnormal reaction to alcohol.

If you do have the book Alcoholics Anonymous please read the Doctor's Opinion. Dr. Silkworth describes what makes us alcoholic.

There is also something called a mental obsession that we experience that causes us to succumb to the desire to drink again, even when it makes no sense, and causes harm to ourselves and others.

To drink alcoholically is to be alcoholic.

Thinking about the wine on the counter and how much it costs, can't waste it, must drink it...

That is the mental obsession.

What happens once you drink...the almost certainty you won't stop...drinking too much....again....

That is the physical allergy. The abnormal reaction.

We also have what is called a spiritual malady.

The spiritual malady is a result of the physical allergy and the mental obsession.

Alcohol causes us to abandon God, and His will for us, and destroy ourselves with alcohol.

We also have something called the circle of engulfment. Picture you at the center, and then all the people around you...who are affected by you and your drinking.

We have the cycle of addiction...

We are restless, irritable and discontent until we can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks.

We drink and then go through our drinking spree, emerging remorseful with a firm declaration to never do that again, or at least cut down, or try to control and enjoy our drinking, or maybe make some new rules for ourselves...

Then we repeat it over and over again.

Unless we can experience an entire change...we will not recover.

How do we change?

We work the steps and program of action outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

We don't just go to meetings.

We get a sponsor, someone that can share with you how they recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

We ask for help.

We do the work required to change.

And we change.

I have changed.

I used to be like you.

I don't drink anymore.

You can too.