smoking brother - didn't know where else to post this
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smoking brother - didn't know where else to post this
I'll try to summarize. I can't sleep tonight because i'm very sad about my brother killing himself with cigarettes. He has part of one lung left from an attempted suicide years ago. Numerous doctors told him to quit, but he is beyond stubborn. If i say peep about it, he'll blow up like a volcano. I don't want my brother to die. He may not have a long life, but atleast if he'd quit he could feel better. I can't get my head around his logic. I don't know what to do. There has to be a way to reach him. It will be horrible if he goes like this. It will destroy me. I know this is just about cigarettes, but it sure is killing him, and it's an addictive substance. I go back and forth with trying to help him, and then distancing myself from him, because this is driving me absolutely crazy. Just sit back and let him die? What to do?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Dear Damiank,
I am sorry for this situation and for your brother. it hurts so much to see a loved one abuse his self. I am guessing that his doctor knows and has talked with him? Is he mentally capable of making decisions now?
This is not your fight, and you cant make him quit. Worrying all night, and begging him, that wont make any difference, and you are making yourself sick. You cant make him want to be healthy, but you can take care of your state of mind, and preserve your health. it will surely make you ill, mentally and physically, to try to make someone do something that they wont do.
He most likely knows what he is doing to his self. And it is his life, to waste, or not. That sounds cruel, but i have known many smokers and they just cant be forced. Myself included. i quit when it frightened me enough. and for my kids who were concerned.
perhaps you could offer to get him information on smokers patch, or something like that, and then tell him that if there is anything you can do to help, that he can let you know. that you love him, and care. but then, for you, let it go. sometimes nagging about it just makes them more desperate to hang on to their crutch. it sounds like he has had a tough time, if he has tried to commit suicide. perhaps his nerves are bad, and the smoking gives him some comfort. sounds bad, but that is how it was for me. perhaps he feels like why not smoke?
all you can do is love him, and let go. that you are letting go of trying to make him quit may speak louder to him than any thing else.
every one knows the dangers of smoking, and it is a choice that is his. dont let it ruin your life. you are chosing worry, which is bad for your health. and worry does not solve anything. hope that he decides to quit sometime, and that you get some peace back for yourself now, even if he does not ever quit.
i had several aunts and uncles who smoked right up to the time they died, and they would have never considered quitting, just stuborn people. ignorant of how bad it was for them. but nowadays, we know better.
take care of you, let him take care of his self. I am sorry , I know that is a hard thing to accept.
hugs
chicory
I am sorry for this situation and for your brother. it hurts so much to see a loved one abuse his self. I am guessing that his doctor knows and has talked with him? Is he mentally capable of making decisions now?
This is not your fight, and you cant make him quit. Worrying all night, and begging him, that wont make any difference, and you are making yourself sick. You cant make him want to be healthy, but you can take care of your state of mind, and preserve your health. it will surely make you ill, mentally and physically, to try to make someone do something that they wont do.
He most likely knows what he is doing to his self. And it is his life, to waste, or not. That sounds cruel, but i have known many smokers and they just cant be forced. Myself included. i quit when it frightened me enough. and for my kids who were concerned.
perhaps you could offer to get him information on smokers patch, or something like that, and then tell him that if there is anything you can do to help, that he can let you know. that you love him, and care. but then, for you, let it go. sometimes nagging about it just makes them more desperate to hang on to their crutch. it sounds like he has had a tough time, if he has tried to commit suicide. perhaps his nerves are bad, and the smoking gives him some comfort. sounds bad, but that is how it was for me. perhaps he feels like why not smoke?
all you can do is love him, and let go. that you are letting go of trying to make him quit may speak louder to him than any thing else.
every one knows the dangers of smoking, and it is a choice that is his. dont let it ruin your life. you are chosing worry, which is bad for your health. and worry does not solve anything. hope that he decides to quit sometime, and that you get some peace back for yourself now, even if he does not ever quit.
i had several aunts and uncles who smoked right up to the time they died, and they would have never considered quitting, just stuborn people. ignorant of how bad it was for them. but nowadays, we know better.
take care of you, let him take care of his self. I am sorry , I know that is a hard thing to accept.
hugs
chicory
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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He's heard it from doctors plenty of times, but has this clever way of deflecting. It's amazing. He has been to numerous treatment centers for alcohol mainly, and finally has stopped drinking for about 7 years now. He is scared to death of going to jail and screwing up again.
he shot himself when he was high on something. I've nbeen looking into the way he treats my mother and myself, and we are convinced he is a master manipulator. He's all smiles with other people, but then rips us to shreds; the people who to help him. I also think he has a narcissistic personality. He doesn't seemed too concerned with other people's feelings, and conversations are always about him. He may be waht you call an "emotional vampire". I love my brother, we are 17 months apart. He doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility, and our chilhood bond is just about gone. The hardest part is the fact that he isn't terminal, and if he stops smoking, he'd have a chance. I dread his funeral, and life afterwards. I'm already starting to remember our good times, and it's tearing me apart.
he shot himself when he was high on something. I've nbeen looking into the way he treats my mother and myself, and we are convinced he is a master manipulator. He's all smiles with other people, but then rips us to shreds; the people who to help him. I also think he has a narcissistic personality. He doesn't seemed too concerned with other people's feelings, and conversations are always about him. He may be waht you call an "emotional vampire". I love my brother, we are 17 months apart. He doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility, and our chilhood bond is just about gone. The hardest part is the fact that he isn't terminal, and if he stops smoking, he'd have a chance. I dread his funeral, and life afterwards. I'm already starting to remember our good times, and it's tearing me apart.
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Location: In a good place
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My stepmother is a recovering alcoholic. After two years of amazing recovery she relapsed, but jumped right back on the wagon. Unfortunately she's had a much more difficult time quitting smoking, though she spent a month in the hospital on a vent for COPD. She's been warned and is fully aware she may not survive the next time.
I haven't seen her since she started smoking again, but I have a plan if she lights up in front of me -- I'm going to walk away and I'll tell her that ahead of time. I wouldn't watch her drink when she active and I won't watch her smoke, either.
I haven't seen her since she started smoking again, but I have a plan if she lights up in front of me -- I'm going to walk away and I'll tell her that ahead of time. I wouldn't watch her drink when she active and I won't watch her smoke, either.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I think it is sad that folks continue to light up thinking they are in recovery and "ok". Unfortunately, this is a mindset of many. The thing is there is nothing one can do to make someone else quit. Sometimes, more likely most of the time when pushed and addict will do worse, not better. While smoking kills more alcoholics than drinking, many alcoholics quit drinking, but continue to smoke. It would be great if everyone saw the dangers and quit, but that just isn't going to happen. Of course some folks live a long life and continue that abuse of their bodies, so you never know.
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It's all a big mess, and we don't know how it will end. Right now, he's with my mom, so i have to go there. He's been asking my mom why i haven't been coming around as much. He's developing a paranoia about people judging him, and doesn't get out of his room much, and has started this time schedule stuff about eating at a certain time, etc. My only guess is that he wants to be able to control something, because his life is out of control? He does get disability, but my mom's husband pays him cash to drive a small pick up and deliver tires 2 days a week. With his check, food stamps, and cash income, he lives better than alot of people, but you cannot please him. He has this entitlement mentality that infuriates me. Maybe my mom took it easy on him, because he may have had a slight learning disability, but he fools everyone. I could go on forever. I'm used to coming up with solutions, and this open ended stuff with my brother is stressing me. My mom's friends think it's a case of spoiled rotten, and i tend to agree. I keep hoping he'll wake up one day and decide to grow up and change. He also wants to live with me when i buy my first house, and i told him no. That house would be his in 2 weeks
He wants me to move to the country so he could live next to me or something, but it's not practical for me. Sometimes, i think that he thinks that it's my job to take care of him. Waaiiit. He actually said something like this. He wanted to find an older woman to take care of him, and jokingly said to my mom "if something happens to you, who will take care of me?" You can probably understand why i can't be around him. He has lived alone before, but doesn't want to spend his money. Just venting. aaahhhh!
He wants me to move to the country so he could live next to me or something, but it's not practical for me. Sometimes, i think that he thinks that it's my job to take care of him. Waaiiit. He actually said something like this. He wanted to find an older woman to take care of him, and jokingly said to my mom "if something happens to you, who will take care of me?" You can probably understand why i can't be around him. He has lived alone before, but doesn't want to spend his money. Just venting. aaahhhh!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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I'm assuming your brother is of legal age? If he is an adult, he has the right to smoke if he wants to. Smoking is legal. It may be something you would rather he not do, but he does have the right. You cannot control him. He's going to do whatever he wants to do.
Likewise, you have the right to decide what you will and will not put up with. If his lousy attitude and sense of entitlement bother you, then just keep your distance. The only control you have over any of this is what you are willing to put up with. Most of us have had to come to that realization with loved ones. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help or doesn't think they need help. You're just banging your head against a brick wall. Therefore, you have to take care of yourself, and if being around him is upsetting to you, then don't do it.
Likewise, you have the right to decide what you will and will not put up with. If his lousy attitude and sense of entitlement bother you, then just keep your distance. The only control you have over any of this is what you are willing to put up with. Most of us have had to come to that realization with loved ones. You cannot help someone who doesn't want help or doesn't think they need help. You're just banging your head against a brick wall. Therefore, you have to take care of yourself, and if being around him is upsetting to you, then don't do it.
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Yes, you're right, but i have to visit my mother, and he's there. I think protecting myself is really easy. Since i'm out of the picture most of the time, he lays into my mother, and that's what bothers me. My mom and her husband are actually keeping their eyes and ears open for a place for him to move. He doesn't seem too motivated to move. Time will tell.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Perhaps you could arrange to visit your mother and father someplace other than their home. Maybe they could come visit you, or you could all meet at a restaurant or a park now that the weather is getting warmer.
It's sad that your parents allow him to treat them badly, but just like your brother, you have no control over that situation either. Until they decide they have had enough, nothing much will change.
It's sad that your parents allow him to treat them badly, but just like your brother, you have no control over that situation either. Until they decide they have had enough, nothing much will change.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
They do have a 12 step program for cigarette smokers. Cigarettes are a horrible and expensive "habit". A 12 pack of beer here is actually cheaper than a pack of smokes. I have a loved one who has asthma made 10x worse due to the "devils smokes." I'm happy that here in Illinois smokers cannot smoke indoors hardly anywhere anymore. Second hand smoke kills people also. I thank God I never got into the smoking "habit."
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