So I am new here...

Old 04-10-2011, 05:31 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
So I am new here...

I will try to tell my story in a semi-coherent way, though I am not feeling that way right now...

I just recently came to suspect that my boyfriend of 2 years is using crack. He will not admit it, but I have found some evidence. I first started to suspect that something was off about a month and a half ago. He was going through money like crazy with nothing to show for it. He was neglecting his hygiene while he used to be almost obsessive about it. We aren't living together, he recently lost his job and ended up staying with his parents. Things were coming up missing from his parents' house, a lot of cds, dvds, and wii games are just gone. He suddenly had these friends that I had never heard of, and while he has never had a problem telling me anything in the past, he would not answer me about these friends of his. I kept asking him what was going on, and he kept saying he was just depressed because he couldn't find a job. Then, he did a drywall job for his uncle and was paid $400 for it, the money was gone the next day. One Sunday he just disappeared for the entire day. He finally called me at 1:30 am and said that he was giving one of his "friends" a ride and on the way the engine blew. He said he sold the car to the guy that towed it for him. I'm beginning to think he sold it to get high. One day, when I was visiting him, I decided that I was tired of him not telling me anything, so I went through his jacket. I found a bunch of things that I assume he stole, jewelry and psp games. I also found a used crack pipe. He had fallen asleep and I didn't know what to do so I just left. He called a lot and I didn't answer. When I finally told him that I knew,he denied it and got mad at me. He called me later and said that he would take a drug test and go to rehab and then he said he had a warrant and he would just turn himself in. That is what he did. That was 3 weeks ago.

He is still in jail. I told him he has to get help when he gets out. He will only say that I am wrong and he only wants my support while he is in there. He said that he was going to get high, but never used the pipe. He will not own up to it. I keep thinking that as long as he keeps denying it, that means he will probably pick up right where he left off when he gets out.

I am sorry that this turned into something of a novel. Thank you for reading. Any advice or comments are welcome and will be greatly appreciated.
missedthemark is offline  
Old 04-11-2011, 06:40 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you found us.

Denial is a tough one. Even when faced with all of the evidence they will lie, they will try to bargain, they will do anything to keep us (their loved ones) engaged with them and their addiction. It's what addicts do.

I hope you stick around and educate yourself on addiction and codependence. Addiction is a very tricky disease. We didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it........but we CAN get as sick as they are if we dance with them and their disease.

There are a lot of people here on SR who have been where you are right now. They all have their stories and the details may be slightly different but the main story line is always very similar.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:51 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
I have been reading everything I can find about addiction and what we, as those who love addicts, can do. I feel like as long as he won't admit it, he isn't ready to give it up, and maybe I should walk away, at least until he is ready.

I just found out last night that he stole a bunch of $1 coins from me. I am supposed to go and see him tomorrow. Is there even any point in confronting him with it? I have a feeling that if he denies it again, I will just walk out. He has been clean for 3 weeks now, due to being in jail, so I assume his head should be at least somewhat clear? I don't know a lot about that, though.
missedthemark is offline  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:41 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Chino's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by missedthemark View Post
He has been clean for 3 weeks now, due to being in jail, so I assume his head should be at least somewhat clear? I don't know a lot about that, though.
Educating yourself is the best way to protect yourself from his disease. He may be clean but his brain has suffered damage from the abuse. It will take abstinence and several months if not a year or more for his brain to heal, depending on how long he was active in addiction.

It will take working some kind of recovery program every day, to change what lead him down that path in the first place. He'll have to change his way of thinking and that's the hardest part of recovery. He has to be willing and only time will tell when that is.
Chino is offline  
Old 04-11-2011, 10:33 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
hi missedthemark,

i just wanted to welcome you to SR. my husband of 5 yrs is a cocaine user and still in denial. and it is very hard. after several yrs of trying to stay and see signs of improvement i ended up in just about the same spot i started at.

i am not trying to say that your situation is the same. it's just that coke and crack are very powerful and hard to get rid off. he has to be really serious about wanting to get clean.

i don't want to harp on with my story, but please keep posting and reading as much as you can b/c it helps. people here are wonderful and have helped me a lot.

hugs and prayers.
pacificsunrise is offline  
Old 04-11-2011, 01:15 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
You know the truth, you don’t need him to validate any of it for you.

He’s stolen from you once, if you let him back in…he will do it again…and it will be more than some dollar coins. What are your boundaries about being stolen from?

It's true that I don't need him to validate it, I guess I've just always heard that if an addict doesn't own it, they are not ready to give it up. I've got so much to learn. I only want him to admit it so that he will get help.

I am lucky that those coins are all that he stole. He only had one chance after he started using to steal from me, and that is what he took. He stole so much more from his parents. Under normal circumstances, stealing from me is a deal breaker. For some stupid reason, I find myself making excuses for him. Like it wasn't him, it was the addiction.

Thank you for your response, this is what I need. To be able to remember that until he gets help, nothing will change.
missedthemark is offline  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:24 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Originally Posted by missedthemark
For some stupid reason, I find myself making excuses for him. Like it wasn't him, it was the addiction.
that is so true. i have been making excuses for my husband for years, and even when it was obvious that he was lying, i would still make myself believe it b/c i just wasn't ready to deal w/ the truth.

stay strong. hugs and prayers.
pacificsunrise is offline  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:45 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
I will tell you what others on here told me: RUN RUN RUN. run away. It's not worth it. Walking away is hard but do you really want to deal with all this drama?

Read the boards, watch Intervention....but, protect yourself. Learn to protect yourself from toxic people.

good luck!
CaliSoca is offline  
Old 04-12-2011, 10:47 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by missedthemark View Post
Under normal circumstances, stealing from me is a deal breaker. For some stupid reason, I find myself making excuses for him. Like it wasn't him, it was the addiction.
Awe but stealing can be normal circumstances for an active addict.

Do you really want to be with someone who would/could do that to you.
Originally Posted by missedthemark View Post
I have been reading everything I can find about addiction and what we, as those who love addicts, can do. I feel like as long as he won't admit it, he isn't ready to give it up, and maybe I should walk away, at least until he is ready.
Often our hearts and our heads are not in sink. I think you know deep down that walking away is your best decision for sanity and self esteem, self empowerment and self health but it’s that tugging on your heart strings that makes it difficult. Many of us have been there, keep walking don’t look back and the farther away you get the closer your head and heart become and you will be content with your very smart decision.
atalose is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:50 AM.