Buffalo66

I waited for years, I fell in and out of denials, I went to alanon.

He got into treatment, he came out, he is sober...

I live with our son, still alone, BUT

RAH is working, there is very little day to day chaos inflicted upon me now.
He is addressing a number of issues, has started to embrace meetings a measure more than before, and I have been able to detach more than ever.

So, then....there is ME.

I am sleeping better, mending things w 6 year old. I dont have to field or ignore drunken phone calls all nght/day.

There are calm and sane discussions about sons welfare, money stuff.

BUt I am not, it turns out, a beacon of health and balance.
I am immobilized most days.

I am able to do all the neccessary mom stuff.

I keep in touch with friends,

BUt I cant get moving. I cant seem to remember what being me is all about.

I know this too shall pass, but I have lists of work and daily upkeep things to do, but when my son goes to school each day, I languish about, not doing anything.. I do spend a lot of time at SR, and it helps, but I feel like I am stuck in an eddy, just me and me, and my stuff.

I enabled, and detached, and satyed and walked away-myself into what feels like a vaccuum.

It feels like its been like this forever. But its probably only been a month or 1 1/2 .
Maybe I am deflating fromsons surgery? Maybe RAH leaving while surgery was happening?

Am I just experiencing a contraction of some kind?

Any feedbacks? I feel useless and empty all by my self, not because of anyone but me.

I have an appointment with a new therapist this week...

wicked

I wonder who I am too, Buffalo.

Yes, this could be a good way to describe it.
Being stretched to the limit, and now it is all coming back to you.

Beth

pacificsunrise

Buffalo66,

thank you for your post. you have perfectly described....me. i've been away from our home for 1 mth now, which i know is a short period of time, but somehow i can't get going.

i thought this was going to be so liberating and such happy times for me. but for the most time it's just been kinda blah. sure i get the necessary things and work taken care of, but i am lacking the enthusiasm.

i don't know if my post helps, but wanted you to know that you're not alone. maybe is just that we have used up all of our energy on our toxic relationship and now we need time to recuperate. maybe our behavior was so influenced by our addict spouses that we just can't figure out what it is that we are supposed to be doing without all the drama. and maybe like you said it's just a phase.

whatever it is, it will have to get better. and anyways it still beats going back to the way things were before.

stay strong. my hugs and prayers go out to you and your family.

Babyblue

Your son had surgery? And you are dealing with the husband? That is a lot.

As a mom whose child has had surgeries, what you are going through is normal. After a downfall of stress, I become depleted and have to recharge.

I don't fight it anymore and let it just take its course because it is my mind and body's way of telling me to listen to myself for once. When I fight it, I end up overdoing it and getting sick or whatever.

Stress wreaks havoc on the body and mind.
I used to minimize how it affects me and but now I work hard to put my sanity and health first.

(remember that oxygen mask!)

keepinon

Well, you have quite ayear, so first off, be gentle with yourself.In my daughter's addiction I lost myself..I used to wake up in the middle of the night stressing out.I told myself to think of things I liked so I could go back to sleep..not one thing came to mind.I started waking up in the morning with my first completely unconcious thought"I wish I was Dead" popping in.Horrible.It takes a while to get past the trauma..just beacuse the shots have stopped being fired doesn't mean you'll stop shaking..it takes time and work.A year and half since that time I've lost 35 lbs, smile alot, and have mostly good days..I still reel from time to time, but don't we all?
I think seeing the therapist is a great step..how bout some excersise in the fresh air for just 10 min. when your son is at school..the little steps we take can make a big difference..but please, please be gentle.. you have been through a ton of stress..give yourself some time..

wanttobehealthy

Buffalo- I just wanted to thank you for your post. It really resonates with me. You put into words what I've felt at times recently but haven't been able to get a grasp of enough to verbalize it.

I find myself just telling myself to try and accept whatever is at the moment (with myself that is) and that even if I can't figure a damn thing out and feel lost, something will become clear soon enough... Usually when I stop thinking obsessively about whatever it is I am stressing about is when I get hit with some clarity (not saying you are obsessing about anything-- want to be clear!)

I hope your DS is okay?!

Buffalo66

WTBH,
yes, he is OK.
He has a benign brain tumor that has caused nerve damage to his optic and perhaps other systems.

He s generally well, but he is uncomfortable at times, for long periods, due to double vision, or numbness.

It has been a hard road of figuring it out, then making choices and taking actions.

He will be fine, he is mostly happy, and I am proud of him.

I know clarity will come, I just have found myself doling out a lot of advice, here, and then looking at myself and feeling like I am literally afloat in a sort of numbness.
things have really calmed down, and I need to be in gratitude for that, and let myself decompress.

Yes, it has been a tough several months...Now I am gaining the resolve to get focused and maybe have myself some fun.

Thanks everyone for your posts. Grateful for SR, as always!

StarCat

When I cut contact with XABF, while he was in rehab, I felt sluggish and depressed. I didn't feel like doing anything, seeing anyone, nothing. I stopped doing chores, and ate very little.

It was difficult. I think it was part of the grief process, grieving the man I always thought XABF was, because I had finally realized that man had never existed. It really was a loss, like a death, of someone who had never lived.

It took time, but eventually I felt better. I tried to force myself to go out and do things... Mainly I took up cooking, something that would get me out of the apartment for a little bit (grocery shopping), then let me stay home but still keep busy. I'd bring the results into work and listen to the compliments, which helped cheer me up, too.

It takes time, but it's normal.
Just give yourself time.


I'm also very glad to hear your son is doing well!
Much love and prayers for him.
He is very lucky to have you as his mother.

barb dwyer

About three
(oh MAN has it been three years?)
ago, I'd lost my apt
and my job and was all sick from the thyroid.

I was living in my neighbor's basement
too sick to work
but slowly getting better

and I went and volunteered at the literacy center here.

I taught a homeless fella how to read.
he went from like ten words
to ALL the three and four letters
in like.. five weeks.

It got me out of my own problems
it helped me
far more than it helped him.
although he may never know that.


do something for somebody else.


it never fails to break up static energy.
never, ever.

go through your old clothes and give them to charity.

volunteer in those hours of the morning you're languishing
and help someone learn to read.
literacy licences are amazingly easy to get.
and they are life lines for the homeless
and for abused women
who can't fill out a proper job application
there's even shelters
who just have you read the app to the person
and help them fill it out.

just tossing suggestions.

japabp2000

(((((Hugs)))))) I can only imagine the feeling of being somewhat stress and drama free as my husband is not in recovery. Of course stress and drama doesn't automatically end once our AH's become RAH's I know, but since we get accustomed to the way's of an active alcoholic, I suppose once they are recovering it feels as if we are somewhat in limbo..possibly on edge I guess?
I often fantasize about "when things get better" because I am pretty optimistic (kinda sorta), and I think about how much happier I will be, how much happier my AH will be..all of the things we will be able to do, etc. etc., but I know that the truth is that I will probably be wondering if and when he will relapse and if and when he does where I will go from there.
I know I kinda went on a tangent (think that's the word I'm looking for) here. I wasn't trying to minimize your feelings at all, just trying to relate somehow, even though I'm not "there yet".
I'm so glad to hear that your son is doing well!! That's wonderful. I hope YOU start feeling well very soon too. The suggestions barb made are fantastic. Also, the therapist idea is great too...hang in there honey.
Hugs and God bless you!
-Aimee

Babyblue

Glad your son is doing well! That was serious stuff he/you went through. It is sooo draining. You don't think it is because you are his mom and that is what mom's do but a child's serious illness is very stressful stuff.

Kudos to you for getting through it intact!

lillamy

I second Barb. Or even if you can't do something for someone else, please force yourself (gently) to go out. Chat with the lady in the checkout counter at the store. With the guy at the post office. With the kid with the puppy in the park.

I've found that when you've had so much drama in your life, "meaningful" interactions with people you know can be exhausting. So I pull back from my friends because I don't want to delve into RAXH's latest stunt. And then I hide. But starting with those civil exchanges with people I don't know reminds me that I do like people. I do like being social. And then I can build up to telling my friends "let's not talk about that..."

You will find yourself. You haven't gone anywhere. But you're exhausted. And that's OK.

Buffalo66

I was having trouble putting my finger on this, but it is pretty accurate for me!

Thanks. I do tell people I dont want to go through it all.
I just want to sit and stare.

Hopefully that will give way to chatting about more fun things, or other peoples issues.
Yep, right now, I just dont want to deal.

transformyself

Dude. You've been through the wringer and the road to recovery is LONG.

Might take years to sort out all this stuff.

In the meantime, I (cause yours is my story is ours) just keep trying to come back to my breath. My body. My soul. Be with myself whenever I'll allow it.

Then things can start to heal. But having that vision, that time to see myself and accept what I see and have the courage to change it takes a freaking long time.

Letting go of what I have no control over seems like it should be the end of this stuff doesn't it? I think it's the beginning.

pacificsunrise

dear Buffalo66,

now that i have better insight in your situation, i can see and agree w/ everyone else that it is completely normal to feel exhausted and empty. your son's surgery wasn't just a minor thing and even for people in stable relationships going through something like that is very, very traumatic.

hang in there and stay strong.

yep, exactly right. i, too, just want to be alone some and not have to rehash everything over and over. currently i am just starting to even tell anyone that we are separated. such a simple statement and it took me over a month to even think about saying it. still don't like saying it.

thank you for your posts and reaching out. you are in the right place.

my hugs and prayers go out to you.

RECF

Lately, what's been happening to me is that I have trouble organizing my thoughts. Things all come rushing out without context. I sometimes have a hard time talking with friends because I start ranting about something they don't know the backstory to. Or I find myself in the middle of explaining something and I lose my place and forget what my point was. I know that I am trying to do many things at once, but this is my reality right now. I wish there was a way to cut through the general 'befuddlement' and have some clarity.