Newly self-diagnosed co-dependent. Help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Newly self-diagnosed co-dependent. Help?
Hi there. I apologize in advance for what is probably going to be a long and fragmented post.
My addict husband and I have been married almost 5 years. We got together in our early 20's when we both worked at a tiki bar together. We would drink together, go to parties together etc. What was just socializing and fun times for me in my early 20's was something different for my husband. It was the beginning of his addictive lifestyle. He started dabbling in drugs and quickly found crack to be his drug of choice, but would really do whatever was available. Once he lost his job at the tiki bar d/t being high on the job, it seemed to be a turning point for him. He got clean, got a new job, attended meetings regularly, and we got married.
He was clean about 3 years, but would then fall into a relapse pattern that would usually last about 3-4 months off and on until finally he'd be clean again for another year, 18 mos. etc. and then would fall off the wagon again for a short time.
This last time, however, has really been a bad relapse. We should've seen the signs coming. His back Dr. started Rx'ing Lortabs; He was not attending meetings regularly anymore, didn't think he needed to go as often, he started playing poker, which began to spiral out of control. He started playing once a week w/ friends from NA, and ended up playing 3-4 nights a week until 3-4 am. All of this ultimately led to this current relapse which started in December 2010. He'd be clean for a few days, a week, and then use again. I kicked him out, which didn't help at all, as he was in a halfway house popping pills every night. He came back after our therapist suggested he try suboxone before calling it quits. Well, that lasted about 3-4 days and he's been smoking crack, pawning stuff and now is at a point where he is totally out of control. He checked into a facility last night after I told him I can't do it anymore. I drafted a petition for dissolution of marriage w/ children and he immediately checked himself into treatment.
So, here I am. Last night I downloaded "codependent no more" on my kindle. I've already read half of it. It's really sad and familiar. I identify with MANY of the women and their stories. The obsessive checking of the phone records, the bank account, sleeping w/ my purse/keys/his medication, etc. So, yes I realize I'm deeply involved in a raging codependent role. Admitted. However, I find that the book is a bit harsh? I don't hate myself, I don't feel unlovable or worthless. I DO feel very angry and I DO blame him. I know, it's my issue, not his, but I really do think much of my unhappiness is because of his using. The book seems to really put NO blame on the addict. When my husband is clean, our relationship can be really good. It should come as no surprise that I'm an adult child of an addict father. I had an otherwise safe and stable childhood with loving, supportive and healthy family. I am well-educated and am financially self-sufficient.
So, I guess what I am wondering is should I divorce him while he is in treatment? I feel strong enough to do it, but I'm not sure if it's the right choice. We have two small children, and he is an AWESOME father. He has shown an ability to remain clean for long periods of time. I just CAN'T keep going on the roller coaster. I CAN'T. I WON'T. I don't want to go through any of that pain of checking, obsessing, rescuing, persecuting, victimizing, etc., but I also don't want to give up if this REALLY is going to help him.
What is everyone's experience w/ treatment? Am I fooling myself that it could get better? I am feeling really alone right now and I'm so super angry at him for allowing it to get to this, and now he's gone and I'm here by myself raising our two little kids.
My addict husband and I have been married almost 5 years. We got together in our early 20's when we both worked at a tiki bar together. We would drink together, go to parties together etc. What was just socializing and fun times for me in my early 20's was something different for my husband. It was the beginning of his addictive lifestyle. He started dabbling in drugs and quickly found crack to be his drug of choice, but would really do whatever was available. Once he lost his job at the tiki bar d/t being high on the job, it seemed to be a turning point for him. He got clean, got a new job, attended meetings regularly, and we got married.
He was clean about 3 years, but would then fall into a relapse pattern that would usually last about 3-4 months off and on until finally he'd be clean again for another year, 18 mos. etc. and then would fall off the wagon again for a short time.
This last time, however, has really been a bad relapse. We should've seen the signs coming. His back Dr. started Rx'ing Lortabs; He was not attending meetings regularly anymore, didn't think he needed to go as often, he started playing poker, which began to spiral out of control. He started playing once a week w/ friends from NA, and ended up playing 3-4 nights a week until 3-4 am. All of this ultimately led to this current relapse which started in December 2010. He'd be clean for a few days, a week, and then use again. I kicked him out, which didn't help at all, as he was in a halfway house popping pills every night. He came back after our therapist suggested he try suboxone before calling it quits. Well, that lasted about 3-4 days and he's been smoking crack, pawning stuff and now is at a point where he is totally out of control. He checked into a facility last night after I told him I can't do it anymore. I drafted a petition for dissolution of marriage w/ children and he immediately checked himself into treatment.
So, here I am. Last night I downloaded "codependent no more" on my kindle. I've already read half of it. It's really sad and familiar. I identify with MANY of the women and their stories. The obsessive checking of the phone records, the bank account, sleeping w/ my purse/keys/his medication, etc. So, yes I realize I'm deeply involved in a raging codependent role. Admitted. However, I find that the book is a bit harsh? I don't hate myself, I don't feel unlovable or worthless. I DO feel very angry and I DO blame him. I know, it's my issue, not his, but I really do think much of my unhappiness is because of his using. The book seems to really put NO blame on the addict. When my husband is clean, our relationship can be really good. It should come as no surprise that I'm an adult child of an addict father. I had an otherwise safe and stable childhood with loving, supportive and healthy family. I am well-educated and am financially self-sufficient.
So, I guess what I am wondering is should I divorce him while he is in treatment? I feel strong enough to do it, but I'm not sure if it's the right choice. We have two small children, and he is an AWESOME father. He has shown an ability to remain clean for long periods of time. I just CAN'T keep going on the roller coaster. I CAN'T. I WON'T. I don't want to go through any of that pain of checking, obsessing, rescuing, persecuting, victimizing, etc., but I also don't want to give up if this REALLY is going to help him.
What is everyone's experience w/ treatment? Am I fooling myself that it could get better? I am feeling really alone right now and I'm so super angry at him for allowing it to get to this, and now he's gone and I'm here by myself raising our two little kids.
Last edited by Wife2anaddict; 04-10-2011 at 10:54 AM. Reason: ETA:
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Instead of immediately jumping into divorce, why not just separate for a while. That will give you the space you need to take care of yourself and your children. It will also give him time to work on his recovery, which is his responsibility. Nothing has to be decided regarding divorce right this minute.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Thanks for your response. That is a good idea. I just don't know what kind of role I should be playing. I know he's going to want me and the kids to visit, and Im not sure I should if we're separated/divorcing. I'm afraid I'll be angry at him, but I know how pointless it is to make him relive his wrong doings when he's there to fix them.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
As to the Malanie Beattie comment that addicts are not to be blamed..what I got was that "you teach people how to treat you" If I stay in a relationship where I am lied to , stolen from, verbally abused..is the person doing all that wrong?.. Of course, but I am LETTING them, over and over..ultimately it's OUR responsibilty to hold our own boundaries..it's just the breaking the cycle that's the hard part for us all..
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Wife,
Hugs to you, I know how heartbreaking this is for you.
My addicts are my 2 sons....so I do not have experience with the significant other issues......but...
When I am in a turmoil, I generally write a list of pros and cons.
PRO: Yes, he's a good father...when sober.......
CON: Sobriety isn't a for sure, situation.
PRO: I hate to break up our family.
CON: Our children are being exposed to close up drama.
And if you are not attending, Alanon mgs. would give you a great F2F support system.
Hugs and hugs.....
Hugs to you, I know how heartbreaking this is for you.
My addicts are my 2 sons....so I do not have experience with the significant other issues......but...
When I am in a turmoil, I generally write a list of pros and cons.
PRO: Yes, he's a good father...when sober.......
CON: Sobriety isn't a for sure, situation.
PRO: I hate to break up our family.
CON: Our children are being exposed to close up drama.
And if you are not attending, Alanon mgs. would give you a great F2F support system.
Hugs and hugs.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Dear Wife2anaddict,
welcome to SR. it is a great place and i have found much comfort when needed, which is often right now.
your thread caught my eye, b/c i am too married to an addict. his doc is cocaine (that i know of), on top of weed, sometimes alcohol and who knows what else (let's just say that my percosets, not sure how to spell it, magically started disappearing after my last c-section).
i also have 2 small kids (4 yrs and 16 mth old) and am currently pregnant. we have been married for 5 yrs. so much for similarities.
i left our home 1 mth ago w/ children and am currently staying w/ my parents. my husband does not want to admit to his addiction or the need for help and i am dealing with leaving him alone to his beliefs. it is a work in progress. also focusing on myself gets easier w/ time.
as far as "codependent no more" i do share your feelings. i can see myself in a lot of examples, and i do find it somewhat harsh. i am on about pg 40, but i do not like the fact that everything seems to be our fault. and frankly, on top of everything else, it is kind of hard to hear someone say, well all this is what's wrong w/ you. somehow i don't think that i would been so bad off if i wasn't in relationship w/ him and if he didn't decide to make choices that he did. i wrote some more about it in my other thread.
anyways, just wanted to welcome you to SR. to me it is always a little bit easier when there are people that are going through the similar situations.
stay strong for yourself and for your little ones b/c they need you. and as already said, you have to put yourself and your children first. there is nothing wrong w/ that.
my hugs and prayers are w/ you. i am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
welcome to SR. it is a great place and i have found much comfort when needed, which is often right now.
your thread caught my eye, b/c i am too married to an addict. his doc is cocaine (that i know of), on top of weed, sometimes alcohol and who knows what else (let's just say that my percosets, not sure how to spell it, magically started disappearing after my last c-section).
i also have 2 small kids (4 yrs and 16 mth old) and am currently pregnant. we have been married for 5 yrs. so much for similarities.
i left our home 1 mth ago w/ children and am currently staying w/ my parents. my husband does not want to admit to his addiction or the need for help and i am dealing with leaving him alone to his beliefs. it is a work in progress. also focusing on myself gets easier w/ time.
as far as "codependent no more" i do share your feelings. i can see myself in a lot of examples, and i do find it somewhat harsh. i am on about pg 40, but i do not like the fact that everything seems to be our fault. and frankly, on top of everything else, it is kind of hard to hear someone say, well all this is what's wrong w/ you. somehow i don't think that i would been so bad off if i wasn't in relationship w/ him and if he didn't decide to make choices that he did. i wrote some more about it in my other thread.
anyways, just wanted to welcome you to SR. to me it is always a little bit easier when there are people that are going through the similar situations.
stay strong for yourself and for your little ones b/c they need you. and as already said, you have to put yourself and your children first. there is nothing wrong w/ that.
my hugs and prayers are w/ you. i am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
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