Leslie013

After four and a half years spent with my fiance I told him this morning we are done. Even though he has stopped drinking hard alcohol he has taken to drinking more beer. He has become an a******. I know a drunk is still a drunk.

He can say some pretty mean and hurtful things and I've had enough.

I will take steps to work on me and try not to focus so much on him in the next few days but right now it hurts like hell. I miss him. I am so much in love with him but even knowing that, I can't and I won't subject myself to committing to a life time of riding the roller coaster of his ups and downs.

I am going no contact with him.

One of the first steps I will take is once my son calls me (he is incarcerated) I will tell him he will have to call me on the house line when he wants to talk. The cell phone is on my ex fiance's account. Once I speak to my son I will either remove the memory card from the phone or just remove my phone numbers and pictures and I will mail the cell phone to the x.

I'm on a limited budget due to putting all my surplus money into preparing my house to be put on the market. I won't be replacing the cell phone.

That's as far as I can think for today. I know every day I will get a little bit stronger. But right now this is what I'm doing.

Thank you for reading.

jamaicamecrazy

Good for you in taking this major step. You sound like you have thought and planned ahead too. Every day will be different in how you feel. Be strong and come back here often for more encouragement!

Linkmeister

I went no contact with EXABF close to three weeks ago.

In the past, I always gave in, but not this time. Got the usual emails (he knew better than to call or visit as I will hang up, ask him to leave) and finally got the "goodbye" one last week. I didn't read ANY of them as it would hook me back into the drama. I still love my EXABF but realize that my love or anyone else's won't get him sober. That's for him to deal with. I can't or won't live with active alcoholism in my life.

It's hard not to stay hooked and the temptation to give in is very strong -but be strong. It hurts now, but keep the focus on you, how you're feeling. Taking things "One Day at a Time" - one hour, 1/2 hour at a time - it works.

Big Hugs coming from me and puppy dog to you..........

barb dwyer

That's a big step
and we're here to keep you company.

japabp2000

:ghug3 I can imagine it is very hard for you, but stay strong, stick to your guns, and by all means continue posting for support and understanding.

StarCat

It is very difficult to go no contact, at first.

I felt so guilty, so afraid of hurting him, it was difficult. Every time the phone rang and it was him, I was a mess - I went long periods where I just turned it off entirely, it was the only way I could stay sane.
And this was while he was in rehab for alcoholism. He was passing the program, but he just wasn't taking it seriously. I kept feeling guilty - maybe me going no contact would make it harder for him to stick to the program, maybe I'd miss the "good" him when he came out...
But then I realized that he had plenty of time to get better when I was there, and he wasn't interested, he just blamed all the failures on me.

Now that I am not involved in his drama anymore, my life is so much more sane. It is calm, and peaceful, and happy... And I would not trade this for the world.


It is difficult - but it is worth it.
It sounds like you know what you need to do, and are working towards it. Good for you!

Hang in there.
It gets so much better.

Leslie013

I slept most of yesterday, I never knew a day could be so long.

My son called last night and I was able to tell him not to call the cell phone anymore as I will not be using it.

I turned the phone off after that, but I have to admit I did check the phone several times to see if I missed any calls from X or his family. There were none but I didn't really think there would be any this soon. Him and I have done this several times in the past and have always gotten back together.

Made it to work this morning. Hands are shaking, and I miss him a lot. Tears are close to falling but just trying to hold them off until I get off work. I'm really not talking to anyone here, just doing my job and that's it.

I left the cell phone at home so that I won't be tempted to turn it on and check for messages.

I had a flower on my truck vanity plate that he put there months ago. I took it off this morning. I also turned his picture upside down that is sitting on my desk at work.

I'm going to try to do at least one thing different than I've done the day before.

Today was - go to work

DAY by DAY I will get stronger.

Thank you for reading.

StarCat

One day at a time.
It is difficult at first - but it's oh so worth it.



Hang in there. It will get better.

Carol Star

I did the back and forth stuff with my X several times until I admitted to myself he wasn't who I thought he was. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and he would throw me a morsel and then the ca ca would start up again. I wrote all the dealbreakers down on a little card I would pull out and review every time I missed him. I am divorced 3 1/2 years and now really do see the reality of what it was. I read the Lundy book and my X was really worse than I knew. I saw him for who he was not who I wanted him to be. The book A New Earth helped too. Chapter 8 ....the painbody......HELPED. It does get better. Emotions emote....move. This too shall pass.

Leslie013

I made it through work without anyone seeing me cry. I had to wipe my eyes a few times during the day. I pretty much kept to myself so no one would ask what's wrong. I knew I would break down if anyone had.

I've cried a few times since I've been home and am counting the hours until I can fall asleep and just get the day over with. Yeah I know it's sad to wish the day away yet I just want it to end.

I am fighting with myself to keep from emailing him. Not to try to get back with him but to take ownership of the things I have done wrong. But I will not email him today. I can only promise one day at a time right now.

Regardless of what I am going through now, I still don't regret knowing him or loving him. We just aren't right for each other. I've got to come to terms and accept that.

Tomorrows goals - Put two couches for sale on CraigsList and do not call him.

Seems crazy to me to set such small goals but for now it's all I can do.

Little by Little moving forward.

One day at a time.

Thank you for reading.

startoveragain

Leslie013,

I am so sorry I am going through the same thing. I left over a month ago and I am only on about 3 days of no contact (outside of work - we work at the same company and have to communicate daily during the week but I am keeping that strictly professional). It takes everything in me to not contact him via email, text messages or calls. Truly, his addiction is the alcohol and pot and my addiction is him. He is staying away from me which is good and I have to keep reminding myself that if I contact him it is only feeding his gigantic ego. He refuses to admit that he is an alcoholic. I did come up with a good way to deal with seeing his emails at work. I picture Homer Simpson!!!

Just know that SR has been a life saver for me. I read many posts everyday and it makes me realize I am not crazy. Keep coming back and posting.

Leslie013

I was checking my email and there was a joke from him. It was about drafting men over 50 and putting menopausal women on border patrol. It was funny, but I did not reply. I read it and deleted it.

At some point he will come over my house if for no other reason then to pick up his tools he left here. (Ladders, drills, etc). I don't know any of my neighbors well enough to leave them at their house. I'm hoping that when he does come over to pick them up he finishes the work he was doing on my house. I don't have the money to pay anyone to finish up the work. I really need them done so I can put my house on the market.

I know I'm not strong enough to see him now. If he is here when I get home from work one day I do not plan on going in the house. I'll find some where else to go until I think he's gone.

The longer he waits the stronger I will become.

Thank you for reading.

TakingCharge999

It is not a small goal. It is a HUGE goal.

Its so, incredibly difficult at first. I was a zombie at work. Everyone noticed but no one said anything. I could barely go through the basics.. the first days are the worse but it starts getting better..

Today is No Contact Day #910 (approx).

I have never been this healthy, nor so hopeful, never did I feel empowered to make my own decisions, choose my own friends, choose my own romantic interests CONSCIOUSLY (not due to hidden daddy issues), damn, listen to my own music in the car. I am certain you will start feeling what everyone else ahead of the road has felt and is feeling. I think its called SERENITY. Its worth it.

After breaking up with XABF I thought my life was over.
Now I see that HP was watching over me. My life is BEGINNING. Emphasis on: my life.

Its in your hands now, if you want him back, along with old Leise back, or if you are going to give yourself a chance to live in a different way. I vote #2.

This too shall pass. Keep talking to us and handing your life to HP. I know how much it hurts. Struggle precedes birth.

You can do this... take care, remember the HALT rule!

Leslie013

I made it through the night and am now at work. Tears in the back of my eyes that once again I will attempt to hide from everyone at work.

I've decided I'm going to take half a day off work on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and use that time to force myself to do some things around that house that need done. (Grout the kitchen back splash that was just installed - I have no idea how to do this but by golly, I know there are videos on line that hopefully will explain it step by step. - I also plan on cutting some of the left over vinyl from the kitchen floor and lining the cabinet under the kitchen sink - I will also check my budget and my credit card balances to see if I can afford to call a repairman to fix something) Most of them are huge steps for me.

I'm also going to go for a walk around the block when I get home.

I miss the hell out of him but I have to go on. It's difficult for me to put myself first but I know I want more out of life than a continuous ride on a roller coaster.

I'm still not eating much at all, a few pretzels last night for dinner. While I know it's not a healthy diet, I want to lose a few pounds anyway. Six months ago I weighed right at 130, now I'm up to 145. I know the 145 is probably healthier for me but I'm not comfortable with it. I want to get back to 130 or less.

I'm moving forward as best as I can just trying to give my heart time to catch up to what's going on.

One more day I am committing to not calling him.

Thank you for reading.

Carol Star

The people at Lowe's here in Va. are helpful at helping learn how to do things. I like the feeling of accomplishment when I do it. My realtor told me what to fix. I surprised myself. The inspection guy told me too what to fix. I threw in the washer and dryer and the buyers fixed some of it to keep the w&d. One bite of the elephant at a time. One inch of the football field at a time. It gets better. It took some time for me but now I am so in GRATITUDE the quacking has stopped.

Leslie013

Worked today. Vacation got approved for the next three days to only work half days. Put couches on Craigslist. Cut and put vinyl in the two cabinets under the sink, went for a walk around the block.

I did not call or email him.

Still missing him like crazy.

So far he has not turned my cell phone off. I leave it at home and don't even use it any more.

Still crying in the mornings.

Today my mind kept going back to our last conversation. Parts of it made me angry at him, and still not understanding the "whys" Why wasn't I enough?

I hope I never regret him or our relationship because there were a lot of good parts, things I learned from him that I will take with me the rest of my life.

Goal for the night - I will not call or email him

StarCat

My XABF was abusive, and I still do not regret him or our "relationship." I learned so many things! I do regret some individual choices, but I have not done anything in that relationship that I cannot learn from and move on from, so I am in good shape I think.
It is good to locate the good, even mixed in with the bad!

And it is also great that you are splitting up these goals into manageable chunks. One day at a time. It is working for you!

TakingCharge999

NO ONE is "enough" for them. Alcohol is #1.
Very hard not to take it personal... but really, its not personal... NO ONE can heal another person... NO ONE...

Repeat with me "I am enough, I am enough, I deserve everything that is good"

You are doing very well!!!

Leslie013

Odd though one of the last conversations we had was, "I made him quit drinking"

He never quit. He stopped drinking CROWN, but was drinking close to 12 beers a day when I was around.

I never told him he had to quit, what I said was, "You can drink all you want, that is your choice, but my choice is I don't have to have anyone in my life that chooses to drink like that"

Anyway, moving on, today is only 1/2 day at work. I've set about ten goals to reach over the next three days.

Once again, the cell phone stays at home.

I will work on removing paint splatters off my foyer floor this afternoon.

Thank you for reading and responding to my posts. The encouragement means a great deal to me.

Carol Star

My sponser gave me an affirmation "I will get through this with grace and ease."I took a yoga class and learned to meditate. It helped. And time helped.....alot of time. I remember being out with two girlfriends after church one day riding out in the country. I heard myself laugh out loud at something and thought ......I am coming back....."to being the happy me". It may be slow but it will happen. Don't take it personally. I read on here yesterday- alcoholics "lose touch with guilt and remorse." We just need to move on sometimes.