VanessaLee13

Hi guys! I have not been here in quite awhile, but I do need some advice/opinions now (which I know you all are amazing at!).
My husband (clean almost 3 1/2 years) has a good friend (J) who got into AA and got clean around the same time my husband did (they met at AA). Been great friends the past 3 1/2 years, even after we moved out of state. J has come down to visit a couple times and we have been back home to visit. Long story short, J relapsed somewhere in the past 6 or so months. Seemed to start out with alcohol and is now back to shooting up again. Hard to pinpoint exactly what/how/when since we live so far away, but not like any of that really matters. My problem is this. I am a nurse. J is scheduled to start nursing school in August (was just recently told he was accepted into clinicals). Now, while I am not as close with J as my husband is, I love him very much and do wish he would find his way out of this. But I know I have no control over that. But I have a big problem with him starting nursing school in the fall for several reasons. The least of which being that I could almost guarantee that it would exacerbate his addiction even more. My two big concerns are that one, he will be taking this spot away from someone who really deserves it, wants it, and will work hard (the waiting list can sometimes be a couple years to get in). Two, the idea of him being around patients, and narcotics, pisses me off. He will be responsible for people's lives (yeah, not as much at first in school, but more so if he somehow got through school), and have access to narcotics that are meant for a patient and not him. My general feeling is that I should let him know that if he does not enter (and stay in) a 30 day rehab program, I will be calling the school (same nursing school I went to) and letting them know about his addiction. Yeah, they could not do anything at all about it. But at least they will be aware of it, and *maybe* do something about it. And maybe lessen the chances of him stealing someone's pain meds or injuring a patient.
He already knows that my husband and I will not be helping him in his job search for a nurse's aide job (we were going to make some calls and be a reference before we were truly aware of everything). My husband is back in his hometown this week visiting, and he was originally staying with J, but is now staying with someone else and left J a note saying he can not continue to be around him if he is using. I also let his girlfriend know he was not welcome at our house if he was using (they were maybe going to come down in August). But what do you all think I should do about the nursing school? To call or not to call? To give an ultimatum to J or not?
Thank you!!!

Impurrfect

Welcome back, sweetie!!!

First of all, SO glad to hear how well you and your husband are doing.

Although, I will say that the general concensus is let people hit their bottom, stay out of the way, I totally understand where you're coming from, being a nurse.

I had a similar situation happen...had a coworker taking her CNA classes, was supposed to be on the methadone program, but was obviously using something in addition to the methadone. I didn't say anything...her actions at work were VERY obvious, she was fired (after my boss offered to help her get into rehab) and I figured her school would have to be crazy to not see what we were seeing.

She od'd...her 13-year-old son found her body.

I'm really torn, on this, but if he goes ONLY because you threaten to call the school, he will likely develop a resentment, and not take advantage of what he could learn from rehab. He may be too ticked off at "having to be there".

I also have serious doubts that he's going to get far in nursing school, if he's shooting up. He may manage it for a little while, but we both know how HARD nursing school is, the stress it causes, and if he's using, he'll likely increase and it will be hard to hide.

So, I don't know if this helped any, but just want you to know I understand.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

wicked

This is what I was thinking when I read your post VanessaLee.
Both my mother and my sister are RN.'s.
My mother worked from the time she graduated nursing school until she retired almost 40 years later.
My sister has had addiction problems since high school, and she managed to hobble and piece together her degree and get a license.
she cannot nurse any more because she was caught with a benzo in her purse (yeah, one benzo, thats her story).
I guess my point is, nursing is too much for the addict.
And, shooting up? I doubt he would make it to clinicals.
Sigh.....
I dont want him to take a space that is for someone else either, but I think he will be found out soon enough.

Beth

keepinon

Yah, I agree..you never really hear the phrase "high functiong heroin addict"..will almost surely take care of itself...

laurie6781

I understand where you are coming from, being a retired RN myself, however, IF, and that is a big IF he can even make it to class he will drop out very quickly.

I personally would not call. This is April. Clincals start in August. I suspect, that if he does not try for recovery in the next few weeks he will not make be in any condition to start in August.

I understand how tough a decision this is. I know if a friend or acquaintance of mine got in a vehicle to drive I would call the police. This is a bit different. This is 'out there', 'down the road' and so much can happen between now and then, and really it is NOT my problem. Yes I can care for the person, but I also have to 'allow' that person to 'feel' the consequences of their own actions, and he will feel them very quickly if he shows up still using.

My understanding also, is that most of the Nursing Schools today have a 'stand by' list for last minutes contacts to those on the list to fill spots that are vacated in the first few days. It has sort of become SOP.

I vote NO, don't call.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

VanessaLee13

Thanks everyone for all your responses. I guess my concern is more for his potential patients than for him. I mean, if it was my mom, and dad, or anyone I cared about as a patient, I would NEVER want an active addict taking care of them, more than likely stealing their pain medicine. And while it is very likely he will not get far, who knows how far he will get. One ICU I worked at (in a major 2,000 bed hospital with *very* sick people), one of the nurses was found asleep in the bathroom. Apparently, he was stealing fentanyl and shooting up at work. And while it was found out, this was after he had worked there for some time. Who knows how many close calls or codes or even deaths happened due to his negligence (would be hard to tell since this was a medical ICU that had a death rate only topped by the hospice floor, not because of poor treatment but because most of the people were beyond help when they got to us).

And Laurie, I feel as if turning him in is allowing him to feel his consequences more than keeping my mouth shut. I have always felt, since getting drawn into this crazy world of addiction, that the secrets are the addict's best tool. Keep your mouth shut, don't let anyone know, and everything can carry on. But get it out in the open with everyone, then see them try to carry on their addiction and manipulation as successfully.

But honestly, my main concern here is not J. If he got pissed at me and hated me the rest of his life, so be it. If he got pissed I called the school and ended up OD'ing or whatever, then that is not my fault. I feel by not calling, I am just playing his game and enabling him. And I feel if I could potentially prevent injury/stolen pain meds/neglect (yes, imagined at this point) to a patient, and I don't...then I am partially responsible. If I saw someone drunk getting in a car to drive, or someone being assaulted, or someone's house being robbed, I would call the police. If I worked with a nurse I knew was using drugs, I would let management know. I wouldn't think twice about these things. So I am not sure why I am thinking twice about this...to me, it seems as if I am subconsciously trying to protect J, and that is why I feel like calling is maybe the right thing.

I talked to my dad, who was leaning towards calling, but also suggested calling in more of a "if I knew someone who was about to start nursing school was an active addict, what is your opinion on what I should do?" way.

Anyways, I am not going to do anything quite yet, and definitely am taking into account all the "NO!" opinions. There is time. J's plan at the moment (I have been talking with his girlfriend a lot about him today) is to detox himself using Valium. No AA, no rehab. He told his gf to leave him alone for a week and he would be clean. Haha.


(Hi Amy!!!!!! How are you doing? Moderator now, huh? I am sorry to hear about your co-worker. I can't believe her son has to live with that the rest of his life. )

Impurrfect

(((Vanessa))) - I can see your dad's opinion. I'm pretty sure they would tell you to report the person, though.

I do know that the nursing profession is becoming acutely more aware of addict nurses. Most hospitals, around here, do drug screens before hiring.

I understand your concern for the patients. You know my story..I WAS that addict taking care of patients, but for whatever reason, I never harmed or denied a patient pain meds. I was still, absolutely, WRONG, but I got what was coming to me in the long run. From RN to working at McDonald's Back in school, though, and truly believe that I will succeed.

I think taking time to think about this is a good thing. See how his behavior goes. Go with your gut. Who knows? He may get "caught" and arrested before school starts. That would put an end to nursing school, and may let him hit his bottom.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

outtolunch

Call me a tad bit cynical here but I tend not to believe what comes out of the mouth of hard core addicts and shooting is hard core. Addiction has a way of coloring everything.

In my very limited first hand experience with hard core addicts, there seems to be a common thread of confusing fantasy with reality. I tend to get the same feeling when talking to kids about what they want to be when they grow up. Know what I mean?

MissTara

Vanessa,

My exfiance was a meth user, by means of shooting up. In my expierence they tend to fall on their own, in time. If you allow J to fall on his own, then he will have no one else to blame but himself.....and chances are....he will fall.

Im glad to hear that you and your husband are doing well. Dont stress too much on this decision...