marie678

Hi everyone, I just stumbled onto this website a couple days ago and have spent hours reading through the threads since then just trying to get some clarity, I guess. Anyways, I have a question I thought maybe you guys could help me get a better understanding of.

My AH has been going to meetings daily for a little while now and most days, after his meeting, he will tell me what the topic was and talk to me about it (mind you, I don't ask him about it- he just likes talking to me about it for whatever reason and I kinda enjoy hearing about what he's working on and so forth). So, anyways, last night after his meeting, he seemed relieved and told me that they were discussing relapses and that they said that if you do relapse and drink again, it isn't really a big deal. If it happens, it happens. Don't worry about it. It's okay. Just pick yourself up and start again.

Now, I should probably say that I haven't done any of the steps or whatnot (as if that isn't obvious, I'm sure), but that really ticks me off when they tell him stuff like that. If he drinks, it IS a big deal and it is NOT okay and he SHOULD be worried about it. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way, but I feel like when they tell him stuff like that, he is taking it as a "free pass" to go and drink again. I understand the "pick yourself up and start again" part...but, no big deal? If it happens, it happens? It's okay? Really??? How is that ok? I'm confused.

japabp2000

Hello Marie and welcome to SR. I'm fairly "new" to alcoholism I guess you can say because my AH just started abusing alcohol about a year ago. He kept it well hidden, believe me. But anyway, he is starting rehab soon..hopefully as soon as tomorrow (we tried getting him in today but they wouldn't take him..I'll explain all that in a new thread). Anyway he doesn't go to meetings or anything...so I can't say what's up with that. What I do have to wonder about though, is if your husband is absolutely telling you the truth? It could be his way of saying "Hey, they say I can drink every once in a while."??? Then again, who knows, but others will come along that will be better to answer your question.

suki44883

Some people, when they slip for a night or a day, think that well, I've already screwed up, so I might as well keep drinking. Everyone at AA will be disappointed in me and my family is already mad, so what the hell. Maybe what the folks at AA meant was that if you do slip, it's not the end of the world. You can still come back because AA never shoots their wounded. Don't give up just because you didn't get it perfectly the first time. Most people don't.

People interpret things differently, but in no way was the AA group giving anyone permission to go out and drink. Anyone who interprets it that way is just looking for an excuse to drink, IMO.

marie678

Thanks for the reply!

No, I think he was telling the truth about them saying it. I'm assuming I just am not understanding it the way they meant it or something? I try not to take things they say that I disagree with too personally, because I do understand I'm hearing it secondhand which isn't always the most reliable since I'm not usually getting the context it was said in. But that one kind of hit a nerve and I'm trying to figure it out.

Unfortunately, I'm not new to the alcoholism thing. Just new to the concept of trying to understand it rather than fight it.

Good luck getting your AH in rehab!

marie678

Thanks for that explanation Suki. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing it and being touchy since it is such a touchy issue for me still. Hopefully I'll get better with it.

japabp2000

Suki is right, everyone interprets things differently so maybe your AH took it how he wanted to? Sometimes (9/10 times..lol) my AH pretty well hears what he wants to hear, so I can certainly see this happening. Either that or maybe your AH couldn't explain it just right. It's such a hard thing to go through for us and the AH. My husband is also an addict, but thankfully he isn't actively using (his drug of choice is hydrocodone). What my AH done was started drinking (heavily) to try to "get off" of the pills. Ahhhh, sometimes it just makes ya wanna scream. I thank God I found this place. (((((Hugs)))))

marie678

Honestly, I'm not even sure HE took it that way. I just know that I did and I felt like he did too, because he said it like he was delivering some sort of good news, lol. "Guess what I heard tonight? They said..." And all I could think was, "well, isn't that just lovely...ugh."

I just have a lot of anxiety over it all and I will be very thankful when I don't get knots in my stomach thinking about it quite as often anymore. Just posting something here and being heard is nice. So, thank you all.

suki44883

Marie, have you considered attending al-anon meetings? They can be a tremendous help. You will get face-to-face support from other people who are in your same situation. Living with an alcoholic is difficult at best, even if they are in recovery. Recovery is a life-long process, it is not a destination. You really need your own support system, just as he has his.

marie678

I've considered it. But, there's only one group here and they only meet once per day and that is during the only time that AH can go to his meetings. Right now, I just feel like it is way more important for him to be able to go to his.

suki44883

Okay, well...how about al-anon online support?

Al-Anon Family Group Online meetings. MIP Also provides Alcoholics Anonymous, Adult Children, ACOA and Child Abuse Survivors meetings and Chat!

marie678

Thanks, I'll give it a try!

BobbyJ

Marie
I was faced with the same frustration that you heard.

Mine was taught in rehab, Relapse is part of quitting, but not necessary.

When he did relapse, 3 weeks later after rehab, he acted like it was no big deal.
I was very upset and disappointed. His relapse was a weekend drunk in a motel room
while I was at home, upset, worried, sick, no sleep and an emotional mess...

But hey, its okay, its just a relapse, right???

So I would suggest to you...HURRY UP and get YOURSELF some help. Because
honestly, your going to need it more than he does....(Been there, done that)

Not saying, yours will do that, but if he does, you will be more prepared
than I was...

LexieCat

Hate to say it, but I HAVE heard people in AA say stuff like that. Fact is, an awful lot of people in AA do not stay sober in the beginning. I wouldn't say it's "no big deal" but I WOULD say it isn't all that unusual, nor does it mean they won't "get it" eventually. It really doesn't qualify as a "relapse" when it's early on--it's more like they haven't started to recover yet.

I agree with the others up there--focus on your own recovery. You can't do anything about his.

Cyranoak

This is exactly why my wife and I don't discuss what goes on in our meetings with one another. IMHO it's a really bad idea for a number of reasons. One, it's neither of our business. Two, sometimes it's unpleasant. Three, it's neither of our business.

It's early in his recovery for him, and unless you find recovery for yourself in Alanon or something like it, you are going to be miserable for a long, long, long, long time.

If he takes that as permission to relapse, then the real issue for you is what boundary have you set around him relapsing, is he aware of this boundary, and are you ready to enforce that boundary? If you don't know how to set boundaries, and if you two have not had a discussion of what conditions exist for you to remain together, that's just another reason for YOU to find recovery.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Tuffgirl

I have to second this in the respect that those of us not in AA may find issues with what we hear from the program coming out of our A's mouths. Not that you can't be a part of his recovery in some way, but maybe him sharing his interpretation this early is not helping you to heal yourself.

Oftentimes, it is best to keep recovery separate from the marriage because of the control issues that have gone on within the marriage can resurface in recovery - and I mean by the non-addict trying to control the addiction begins to try to control the recovery. It's easy to do...I have found myself questioning AA when I hear it interpreted in a way that isn't really sensible to my ears. Or when something comes back to me that sounds like justification for not taking responsibility. It can be unpleasant.

That said, I also agree that AA does not put a huge emphasis on early relapses because if they did, new members would not come back after them. If they make it more "normal" and not that big of a "deal", people don't feel shame if they fall down a few times along the way. It's not permission, its acceptance to how hard this is to walk away from. If he keeps going, he'll learn that eventually.

Put your recovery as a top priority - go to meetings, even if it means hiring a babysitter or whatever. It'll help you stay sane and stay supportive throughout his recovery if you are working your own program.

barb dwyer

My two cents -

he's not telling you what they said.
he's telling you what he heard.

And now he's convinced himself he's heard it -
he may well use it as an excuse.

There's not one time that someone says 'it's okay'
that an alcoholic drinks again.
The potential for disaster exists
at the bottom of every glass. (or can)

Having sat in my share of meetings
I *will* say
that what *does* get emphasised
is that the event is OVER
and what is the person going to do NOW.

I *have* seen a myriad of newcomers
mistake that to be a 'blessing'
that they're going to be absolved
for their next binge and subsequent tragedy
because tragedy is as connected to alcoholism
as fire is to matches.

No. It's NOT okay.
It's not okay while we plan it
it's not okay while we're doing it
it's not okay when we lie to cover it up
it's not okay when we drive when we're drunk
because we're afraid to tell anyone we "slipped"
NONE of it is 'okay'.

Sitting in a meeting a week later confessing we slipped
the tendency is to say 'move on' and not its okay'...
but the newcomer who isn't finished
never hears that.
I hope you'll reconsider going to meetings
while he is attending his.
Since they're at the same time, I mean.

It helps keep the focus of attention
more fairly distributed.
A relationship is about two people.
When only one is in recovery
the attention is unbalanced on that one person
and the other either chooses to, or is made to
ignore their own point of focus.

Just two more cents.

Buffalo66

What Barb said...

Its what he heard, not neccessarily what was said verbatim.

MY RAH started frequenting his old haunt(dive bar) in the second month of recovery. He had gone to a few drinking establishments for various reasons, felt OK about it, and decided, "why shouldnt I be able to see my friends and play some pool in my old comfy spot?"

MOst recovering people fed back to me that that was not active recovery..that was going to the barbershop expecting not to get a haircut.

I made some boundaries about it.

My statements were clear and about me: "I do not want to wait for you to come home from a bar every night drunk or sober, so you can do what you want, and that can be OK for you, but it is not for me, so I will do as I see fit to adjust my experience of our relationship/family life."

Your H is early recovery, and he probably still thinks about/worries about relapse a lot. He is doing what I've heard called "shopping for answers"

He probably did some selctive hearing.

Its not AA, but your AH who is waffling.
Its normal.
Relapse is too, really.

I would do my best to find some alanon, and buckle up for his swings back and forth.

You cannot control his shifting attitude, his shifting commitment to recovery, but you do not have to go on the roller coaster with him, and go through every little dip and swoop with him.

Alnon helps with that.

marie678

Thank you all for the responses.

I should clarify that he isn't really new to AA. He's gone there on and off for the past 2 or 3 years. He has had pleeeeenty of relapses along the way so I'm aware of that possibility. However, before, I was very resentful of AA which I think made it easier for him to just stop going and give up. This time, I am trying to support him however he needs to go about finding sobriety, be it through AA or whatever. In doing this, I do listen when he decides he wants to tell me what he's learning or working on. Yes, I realize it isn't my business...but if he needs to talk, I'm here to listen. I was just confused (and yeah, a little upset) about why they would tell him something like that. You all may be right though that he understood it a different way than it was intended...or that I did. But, I'm just going to try to stop worrying about what they tell him up there. Obviously they know more about quitting drinking than I do so hopefully they won't tell him anything that will put him on the wrong track.

I do understand that I need to recover as well. That is why I'm here. To work on that process. Thanks again for the advice. I may need to reread it a few times.

barb dwyer

I'm glad to see you came back
and will think about what we said.

They have meetings here on SR during the week
if you can't get out to one in your area.
There's books,
there's links
and there's a jillion threads to keep us all busy!

*hint hint* lol!

Cyranoak

...or is it Brilliant, Barb Dwyer! What you said below is a great reminder of something I know but seem to frequently forget. Thanks for the reminder-- it helps me remember this dynamic is true inside of and outside of the disease of alcohlicsm and addiction.

It also reminds me to listen more, speak less.

I'm a fan, BD.

Cyranoak