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Here I am again..

Old 04-09-2011, 04:03 PM
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Here I am again..

Hungover as hell, having spent the night with people who don't really care about be. Humiliated about the things I know I did which I don't remeber because I black out so easily. Being a total bitch to my husband who does care, justifying my drinking as "me" time cause I have 2 young children to look after. My mother is an alcoholic, my uncle too. My sister is a heroin addict. I still like to pretend that I can control my drinking, that THIS time I will stop after 2 or 3. It never happens and I don't think it ever will. I want so desperately to stop but I never seem to be able to.
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Old 04-09-2011, 04:23 PM
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Hey , Im under a month after twenty years on the booze, so what have to say would probably carry as much credibility as a previous bank robber applying for a job as a security guard.

Nevertheless, I cannot have "one" drink. It leads to exactly what you wrote. Thanks also for the reminder.


The times when I drank , only that first little bugger of a one that I thought would not matter , I called

"my momentary lapses in muscular co -ordination"

It was like a reflex , a natural thing, normal, part of "ME" (how familiar that sounded) to just drink alcohol , and the funny thing for me was, for the first 24 years of my life , i never touched or wanted it...so how could it be "me"??

It has become something that I consider me , but the true me is far different and so is the true you .

I have three daughters in their 20s, and I drank through most of their childhoods albiet being a good dad ,,,no that is not true,, a drunk dad.

Two kids who live with you ????????? You are so lucky , so blessed,

For what it is worth , Get off your butt and get some bloody help .. You have too much to lose. I LOST MINE. and believe me once they are gone, the job is infinitely more difficult

Hang in , be strong, get on with it.. and yes, Dont be too hard on yourself.

As a matter of fact , you can do it.

I wish you all the best , and every bit of encouragement .

PS , dont worry about that the rest of your family is , they are not you , and you have guts and strength ,,,well your on the forum, that is part of guts and strength. Writing your post took courage.

L
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Old 04-09-2011, 05:02 PM
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You will be able to and you must. The disease of alcoholism is relentless and it will kill you if you let it. I didn't think I would be able to stop drinking either, and kept telling myself that it wasn't that much of a problem. But, my health was in serious jeopardy and my family was totally fed up, and I did turn things around. And, you can too.

Focus on the day and getting through the day without drinking. Of course, it's always a good idea to talk to your dr because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous. Take a look around the boards and you will see lots of success stories.
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Old 04-09-2011, 05:03 PM
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Welcome...

I too was a blackout drinker.when I quit
the blackouts stopped immediately....

Thanks for joining us
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Old 04-09-2011, 05:10 PM
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The most maddening aspect of alcoholism is the inability to keep, front and center in our brains, the sheer agony and remorse of the last drink. Yes, somewhere in the recesses of our mind we can remember the tears and the absolute resolve to NOT DRINK EVER AGAIN, but it is overwhelmed by the mental obsession-- the almost primitive craving for the sweet oblivion that alcohol offers. That memory of the last drink and the horror that went with it is no match for the promise of alcohol hitting our gut and spreading warmth and relief through our bodies. We don't forget what happened, we are just quietly overpowered.

And so, the merry-go-round continues. When we wake up, our resolve to do better next time takes on even greater intensity; we make more creative promises that we will be equally unable to keep. It is the horror version of the movie Groundhog Day.

This is powerlessness and insanity, and it is alcoholism as described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our founders realized that building obstacles to drinking was pointless and futile, that we could not exercise our way, eat our way, take vitamins, promise, resolve, commit or decide our way to sobriety. They knew the futility of "thinking the drink through," of willpower, and of trying harder. Alcoholism is like a straight jacket-- the more you wiggle in your efforts to escape, the tighter it grips you.

What works is surrender. That moment of grace when you realize that you are powerless, that the promises to do better next time are lies borne out of insanity. The first step is not deciding that you can't ever drink again, the first step is realizing that you have no choice but to drink again.

It's not about hope-- it's about hopelessness.

And ironically, it is at this moment of unbearable despair that we turn the corner: we have conceded to our innermost selves that we are powerless over alcohol. We detach from the madness and recognize Groundhog Day for what it is.

Only then, I believe, can it be over for the alcoholic. Because then, instead of spending time assembling barriers to drinking, the alcoholic is ready to do the work-- the steps-- that remove the barriers to a power greater than themselves that can solve their problem.
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Old 04-09-2011, 06:12 PM
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Well, I'm glad you're here happyme. I s'pose you know first hand what it's like living with addicts. I can see you are ready to change and change you must!!
I had a 30 career wading through whiskey river. Four kids...youngest is now 18 and on her own. So although I've changed in the past 70 days -no one will know it right now!
My kids are all in other states living their lives, serving in the military, etc.
I'm glad you have made a choice to stop now while you're kids are young. This is a great support system if you take advantage of it.
You say you want desparately to stop but you never seem to be able to. Lets say that sentence again...minus the not being able to part. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Take it one day at a time.
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Old 04-09-2011, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by happyme View Post
Hungover as hell, having spent the night with people who don't really care about be. Humiliated about the things I know I did which I don't remeber because I black out so easily. Being a total bitch to my husband who does care, justifying my drinking as "me" time cause I have 2 young children to look after. My mother is an alcoholic, my uncle too. My sister is a heroin addict. I still like to pretend that I can control my drinking, that THIS time I will stop after 2 or 3. It never happens and I don't think it ever will. I want so desperately to stop but I never seem to be able to.
I have two young children, too. I drank because of the stress of that and because I don't have a lot of support where I live and I have unmedicated anxiety, ADHD and depression.

It was a real turning point to realize that that's all crap. The ONLY reason I drink is because I'm an alcoholic.

Another turning point was realizing that sober life wasn't lame. It was actually a lot more fun than drinking life.

Another was realizing that I can never, ever have 'just 2' and be happy. I sometimes could have just 2. But it didn't satisfy me.

Give sobriety a chance. You won't believe the difference it can make
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Old 04-09-2011, 06:21 PM
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I didn't think I could stop either, but I did, after many false starts, and have sixteen months yesterday. You can too. Get whatever support you can and go for it. See a doctor for a safe withdrawal and then have a plan for staying sober, whether it be meetings or counseling or just this site, work hard on your recovery. You get out of it what you put into it, so give it your all. I did and I'm so much happier for it.


Welcome to the family.
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Old 04-09-2011, 07:04 PM
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happyme - I drank my whole adult life & finally stopped, so I know you can too. You're miserable and it's not happy or fun anymore. Time to get it out of your life. There's nothing in it for you but heartache and danger, by the sound of it.

Glad you found us, and keep on talking - we care about you and want you to get well. You can have a beautiful life without the poison. Promise.
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Old 04-09-2011, 07:45 PM
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Thank you

I'm crying reading all your messages. It's such a relief to read these boards and know that I'm not alone, and nor am I imagining my problem with alcohol (my drinking self and certain heavy drinking "frends" try so hard to convince me that I don't have a problem). Even if I do manage to stop at 2 drinks, which is very rare, I am never satisfied and want and crave more and more SO badly. I've been trying to control my drinking for my entire adult life and I haven't been able to, and I am here now saying STOP this madness. I have such an amazing husband, and wonderful children and I get it now, I'm ready to admit to myself I have to stop trying to control it and playing games with amounts and boundries. If I don't take that first drink then it's all irrelevant.
10th April 2011 is the first day of my sober life.
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Old 04-09-2011, 08:00 PM
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Old 04-09-2011, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by happyme View Post
I'm crying reading all your messages. It's such a relief to read these boards and know that I'm not alone, and nor am I imagining my problem with alcohol (my drinking self and certain heavy drinking "frends" try so hard to convince me that I don't have a problem). Even if I do manage to stop at 2 drinks, which is very rare, I am never satisfied and want and crave more and more SO badly. I've been trying to control my drinking for my entire adult life and I haven't been able to, and I am here now saying STOP this madness. I have such an amazing husband, and wonderful children and I get it now, I'm ready to admit to myself I have to stop trying to control it and playing games with amounts and boundries. If I don't take that first drink then it's all irrelevant.
10th April 2011 is the first day of my sober life.
Fantastic news, It is great you seem to have found resolve.

1 When the demons come , try to remember what you felt like every morning when you were unwell, anxious regretful and in pain.

2 Have a back up plan. I dont attend AA, but i have my strategies that finally work Take a shower , drive for an hour, watch a dvd.

3 This quote really helped me "We all give up drinking eventually , it is up to us when that is "

4 2 hours of feeling relaxed and cool is not worth the trade off of 22 hours feeling like garbage, both physically and emotionally.


Thats it ...
Winston Churchill said "it is not things that disturb a man , it is the IDEA of things ..." for me it was the idea of not ever drinking but , that idea , is distorted .

Im not a religious man , but i will pray for you . I dont know what that means but what the hell, you are worth a prayer , thats for sure.


Kind regards from Sydney Australia

L
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Old 04-09-2011, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
happyme - I drank my whole adult life & finally stopped, so I know you can too. You're miserable and it's not happy or fun anymore. Time to get it out of your life. There's nothing in it for you but heartache and danger, by the sound of it.

Glad you found us, and keep on talking - we care about you and want you to get well. You can have a beautiful life without the poison. Promise.
Thank you to Hevyn,,,,I just read your post and I agree totally . Heartache , danger.

I tried to imagine what my body would be doing if i drank draino every day . What my mind would be doing. Is not that the insanity of alcohol?? We drink poison , and especially me,,,thought it would make my life better ..

What a croc my head told me..

All the best to you too

L
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Old 04-09-2011, 08:15 PM
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Another was realizing that I can never, ever have 'just 2' and be happy. I sometimes could have just 2. But it didn't satisfy me.

Give sobriety a chance. You won't believe the difference it can make [/QUOTE]


I heard somewhere....probably in an AA meeting years ago,,,

"When I controlled it , I did not enjoy it , and when I enjoyed it , I could not control it "

It never satisfied me either, I could never understand what people got from a glass or two of wine, why bother .
Big guns or not at all.........Im a full blown Alcoholic , that is for sure.

Thanks for your post

L
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Old 04-09-2011, 08:27 PM
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Welcome. I looked at my past like this. I did do stupid things when drunk. It wasn't that I was bad, I was sick. I don't care who you are talking about - take some of the most noble people of our time and give them a .300 BAC and they'd do dumb stuff to. That doesn't make it acceptable but it does give us some insight on what not to do. If I don't get drunk, I don't typically do stupid things I regret. So, how can I drink without getting drunk? The answer is (after years and years of trying) I SIMPLY CAN'T.

That leads me to step 1 - powerless of alcohol and my life is unmanageable. I can't manage alcohol. When I drink, my body wants more and more booze. I want the 2nd drink worse than the 1st and the 8th worse than the 7th and eventually I end up drunk, do something I regret, and wake up with the weight of the world on my shoulders. The shame, guilt, and remorse are things that if left untreated will lead me right back to look for the solution to get rid of them which is booze. I then have the first drink and repeat everything over again. After many years of this type of behavior I found myself hopeless and depressed. I hated who I was but didn't know how to stop.

I finally had to get rid of the idea that I could enjoy alcohol without ending up drunk and get into a program of recovery. I often said "just don't have so many, or stick to beer, or only drink between these times, or don't ever drink with those people, etc..." None of it worked. When I drink, I drink for the fireworks. Every time. I had to find a way to live in this world without the need for a drink...

That is where the program of AA has come in.

You can get off of this ride. You just have to stop fighting an opponent you can't beat (alcohol). I wish you the best. Hang in there!!!!
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Old 04-09-2011, 08:31 PM
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Lipitor - Sadly, I have to agree with you. I'm not saying everyone would end up like I did, but my attempts at controlling it led me to 24/7 drinking in the end. At night I had to have one at my bedside, afraid to wake up with the shakes. I went from beer to 100 proof vodka, and felt absolutely nothing. Yet still I was terrified to lay it down and see what life might be like on the 'other side'. How insane - I had convinced myself I needed that garbage to live.

Happyme - We are rooting for you, & someone will be around whenever you need to vent or talk.
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:53 AM
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Just wanted to give a shout out to 'rational recovery' and their AVRT tool (you can google). It's been really instrumental in my recovery.
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Old 04-10-2011, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by happyme
I've been trying to control my drinking for my entire adult life and I haven't been able to, and I am here now saying STOP this madness.
I could never control the amount I drank. Once I put that first drink in my hands, my drinking would become uncontrollable. I had to choose between the life of an uncontrollable alcoholic or a sober person so I could manage my life again.

I found that having an effective addiction treatment plan helps me maintain sobriety on a daily basis. There a few to choose from like; SMART Recovery, Rational Recovery, AA, LigrRing and a host of others. They all are equally effective in bringing about a psychical deep change that is necessary to recover from alcohol abuse/dependence. Again choice is key. Choosing the recovery program that best fits your needs will bring about the best results.
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Old 04-10-2011, 02:55 PM
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Thank you so much..

For the support, my day got worse yesterday after my inital post. I was still drunk when I woke up and as the day wore on my hangover got worse (as usual) but this time it was the worst it's ever been, I kept passing out and my heart wasn't working properly at all. I had a massive panic attack an thought I would end up in A and E, I am NEVER going to let this happen again! I am absolutely done with drinking. Thanks for the links to recovery material too.. These forums are amazingly helpful and I'm so gald to have found them.
I will let you all know how I'm doing and hopefully, with time, be able to be here in a supporting capacity too.
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Old 04-11-2011, 06:24 AM
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Before you start worrying about never, just focus on today. Just don't drink today. You can do it!
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