vent about exA's mother.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
vent about exA's mother.
I was so flamming angry at his mom and I just went off. Not yelling-it was back and forth bickering. I have never once in the five years of knowing her ever stated my opinions and thoughts. Our relationship was always-Oh life is great and dandy, just fake. I realize I think it would be best to find a new third party discussing the kids because she is unhealthy for me.
So I came to the thought of wanting supervised visits, therefore didn't allow exA to take the kids since his parents were going to be gone. She just goes beyond blame on me. I kept repeating, What did I do? Her reply was always it takes two people to fight. hmm so it's my fault he abused me, its my fault he drank...her response was, Well I know plenty of people who live with alcoholics you know. And I know very well exA didn't mean to hurt you. You both are just under alot of stress, that is causing your fights. You need to sit down and communicate, she wondered how we can work on the relationship if we can't talk. He wants to know if you are going to work on the relationship, you can't leave him hanging"
So basically I told her that he needs time to work on himself and I will do the same for myself. I told her I won't consider communicating with him unless he gets DV help. Her response: Oh he isn't a domestic violence man, he just accidently hurt you, he has never battered you. I see DV as people that get hit and beaten up by their husbands. Apparently she knows a couple friends that live with that too. (?) She complained that exA doesn't have $5,000 laying around to do any treatment or even counseling and If I need him in a program I should find a way to come up with the money. Grrrr, um hello he has over that amount in his stupid "toys" (four wheelers, etc)
I really tried to remain calm, which caused me to just break down and cry. I told her how the stuff she said infront of the kids hurt my feelings. She said, "I didn't mean for it to come out like that, I am not good with words. You know some people are good with words and Im not one of them"
She is so caught up with feeling sorry for exA, "Poor him he lost his house till you find a place, he lost his kids, and his stuff. Those poor children are suffering with their dad not around. When do you think he can come back? He really misses you and the kids. It's his birthday tomorrow and that would break his heart not to see his kids." I said no not unless its supervised. Then she went on about well this is just going to be a messy court battle. I can tell she is sick of having him around, I am sure he is loving it because his mom will cook, clean and do everything for him. She's pissed at me for putting her in that position.
I was proud though for the most part I handled it pretty well, took in the blame and know it's really not my fault.
I offered for him to see the kids over at their babysitter(her husband was there too, which exA is sorta friends with) while I have class. He did and stayed for half an hour.He declined to stay for supper.. I hate feeling the jealousy, my friend said he was all dressed up in clothes he doesn't usually wear, like stylish jeans and a tight shirt...? He was texting women so I know he probably is trying to prove to himself he is wanted and some women will want him. Then I am sitting here stressed out with school, paying the bills, being a single mom-trying to just hold it together! It's just not FAIR.
One day at a time. His mother needs to leave my life for a while. end of story.
So I came to the thought of wanting supervised visits, therefore didn't allow exA to take the kids since his parents were going to be gone. She just goes beyond blame on me. I kept repeating, What did I do? Her reply was always it takes two people to fight. hmm so it's my fault he abused me, its my fault he drank...her response was, Well I know plenty of people who live with alcoholics you know. And I know very well exA didn't mean to hurt you. You both are just under alot of stress, that is causing your fights. You need to sit down and communicate, she wondered how we can work on the relationship if we can't talk. He wants to know if you are going to work on the relationship, you can't leave him hanging"
So basically I told her that he needs time to work on himself and I will do the same for myself. I told her I won't consider communicating with him unless he gets DV help. Her response: Oh he isn't a domestic violence man, he just accidently hurt you, he has never battered you. I see DV as people that get hit and beaten up by their husbands. Apparently she knows a couple friends that live with that too. (?) She complained that exA doesn't have $5,000 laying around to do any treatment or even counseling and If I need him in a program I should find a way to come up with the money. Grrrr, um hello he has over that amount in his stupid "toys" (four wheelers, etc)
I really tried to remain calm, which caused me to just break down and cry. I told her how the stuff she said infront of the kids hurt my feelings. She said, "I didn't mean for it to come out like that, I am not good with words. You know some people are good with words and Im not one of them"
She is so caught up with feeling sorry for exA, "Poor him he lost his house till you find a place, he lost his kids, and his stuff. Those poor children are suffering with their dad not around. When do you think he can come back? He really misses you and the kids. It's his birthday tomorrow and that would break his heart not to see his kids." I said no not unless its supervised. Then she went on about well this is just going to be a messy court battle. I can tell she is sick of having him around, I am sure he is loving it because his mom will cook, clean and do everything for him. She's pissed at me for putting her in that position.
I was proud though for the most part I handled it pretty well, took in the blame and know it's really not my fault.
I offered for him to see the kids over at their babysitter(her husband was there too, which exA is sorta friends with) while I have class. He did and stayed for half an hour.He declined to stay for supper.. I hate feeling the jealousy, my friend said he was all dressed up in clothes he doesn't usually wear, like stylish jeans and a tight shirt...? He was texting women so I know he probably is trying to prove to himself he is wanted and some women will want him. Then I am sitting here stressed out with school, paying the bills, being a single mom-trying to just hold it together! It's just not FAIR.
One day at a time. His mother needs to leave my life for a while. end of story.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Southern Illinois
Posts: 174
Mother in laws...boy do I ever know about that. Mine lived with us until she got tired of my AH stealing her money for drugs/alcohol. I'm sorry to hear that his mother is putting you through all this crap. I hope you do find someone else to discuss the kids with. What about his dad? Is his dad still living/in the picture? Bless you, I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. Lots of Hugs!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
She doesn't get it, and she won't get it. She wants the two of you back together (not least, I'm assuming, because now he's HER problem).
I would just say something like, "With all due respect, I don't care to discuss the marriage with you."
Seems like we always have a tendency to want validation from those least likely to give it--our partners, inlaws, partners' friends... If you want validation, come HERE to get it, not someplace where people have already decided you're in the wrong and can't be objective.
I would just say something like, "With all due respect, I don't care to discuss the marriage with you."
Seems like we always have a tendency to want validation from those least likely to give it--our partners, inlaws, partners' friends... If you want validation, come HERE to get it, not someplace where people have already decided you're in the wrong and can't be objective.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Wow, reading the lines from your ExA's mother I'd have thought it was MY mil. They are all the same. Enabling their baby boys to continue to do what they do bc to change is far more painful than the status quo. Your mil knows full well your H abused you, is an A, needs to get help etc... But if she can convince you even a teeny tiny bit that it's your fault, then she gets to continue to live in la la land.
You did great and you are really strong and doing well!
You did great and you are really strong and doing well!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Originally Posted by LS2 
He wants to know if you are going to work on the relationship, you can't leave him hanging"
Especially to her.
He has spent years pretty much doing whatever he wants. You can do that, and owe no one anything.
But you won't, because you are decent. And because you are trying to give your boundaries, keep them, and it does not matter if she gets it.
After my MIL attacked me on FB publicly, texted me accusations of things she did not have information about, made all kinds of low blow statements...then acted like it never happened,
I did come to realize it was all about her own stress, her own codependency issues, and her genuine lack of desire to have him put back on her plate. And I began communicating with her in a much different way.
When I deal with her, now, it is not up for discussion, if she wants to play sides, or try to convince me I am wrong. She is a different person, from a different generation, and lived and still does with terrible treatment from her husband. She resents herself for not being strong enough to make/keep boundaries, and my actions really challenged her. If she asks about things, I am very much coming from a place of conviction. I know what I know. I state what I know for me.
"Its best for our son, right now."
"I am not willing to deal with that right now. "
"He is making progress, but I am looking for a more sustained change"
"This is the call that I've made"
"I know you want to see our son, and I am willing to facillitate that, but I do not want to discuss the details of my relationship w RAH."
or heres a good one:
"You dont need to be stressed with all this.I know this is hard on all of us. I know what is right for our son. Thanks so much for your concerns. "
That is a conversation changer.
Your MIL could choose not to deal with him. She could even choose not to deal wit the kids, but she WANTS to. Or feels she HAS to. not your problem. Unfortunately, she will have to do that on your terms. They are your kids, and he is in his position because of his actions, and he will have to be responsible for that.
if she is feeling like she wants to fix things for him, that is her business.
Keep practicing, and you will find a way to state things to her that will stop the volleying back and forth. When she lobs a ball at you, just let it land, and make a clear statement.
I feel your stress, I really do.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hugs to you LS2...
It's so hard to keep our feet on the ground when we're dealing with alcoholism. The behavior/interaction with the alcoholic is hard enough - and the input/opinions from everybody else just adds insult to injury.
I have had similiar conversations with my MIL and my own mother. Everybody wants us to "just work it out." But it's not that simple. It's not a typical relationship issue (ie. he doesn't clean up after himself, she's a terrible cook, etc)... and to be honest, even if it was... if something is unacceptable to me, it's unacceptable. I've been told that I'm being unreasonable. I should just let things go. I'm too demanding. I'm destroying the family. The poor children!! Oh, the list goes on and on.
The message that those things send to me - "We want you to settle for less than you deserve." That's it. "we know you're unhappy, but..."
Well folks, I want what I want, and AH can't give it to me. That's it.
There's no hidden agenda in that. I'm not trying to destroy him, or take the kids away from him or his family. Nope. I just want peace and happiness for me so I can get healthy and be a better mom for my children.
My AH and I had danced the dance and rode the merry-go-round for 10 years now... and I'm finally ready to stand up for me. And the message I'm getting from AH and his mom - "Don't you dare. We're not ready to face reality. We want to keep living "the dream"." It's hard to let go of that dream. I know first hand. I wanted it too. But it's not reality, and it's time to face that. What's working for me? I don't talk to them unless I absolutely have to. And if I have to, I don't engage in conversations that are unhealthy for me.
It's so hard to keep our feet on the ground when we're dealing with alcoholism. The behavior/interaction with the alcoholic is hard enough - and the input/opinions from everybody else just adds insult to injury.
I have had similiar conversations with my MIL and my own mother. Everybody wants us to "just work it out." But it's not that simple. It's not a typical relationship issue (ie. he doesn't clean up after himself, she's a terrible cook, etc)... and to be honest, even if it was... if something is unacceptable to me, it's unacceptable. I've been told that I'm being unreasonable. I should just let things go. I'm too demanding. I'm destroying the family. The poor children!! Oh, the list goes on and on.
The message that those things send to me - "We want you to settle for less than you deserve." That's it. "we know you're unhappy, but..."
Well folks, I want what I want, and AH can't give it to me. That's it.
There's no hidden agenda in that. I'm not trying to destroy him, or take the kids away from him or his family. Nope. I just want peace and happiness for me so I can get healthy and be a better mom for my children.
My AH and I had danced the dance and rode the merry-go-round for 10 years now... and I'm finally ready to stand up for me. And the message I'm getting from AH and his mom - "Don't you dare. We're not ready to face reality. We want to keep living "the dream"." It's hard to let go of that dream. I know first hand. I wanted it too. But it's not reality, and it's time to face that. What's working for me? I don't talk to them unless I absolutely have to. And if I have to, I don't engage in conversations that are unhealthy for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Oh, and one more quick thing....
On the DV topic.... Do NOT let anyone minimize your feelings about what happened! Ever. Period.
If other people are willing to accept unacceptable behavior - that's their business, not ours.
My MIL's exhusband (AH's father) used to punch her, choke her, and the last straw was he tried to slit her throat!! And her initial response to me when I told her about the throat grabbing incident was - "oh no! He's going down the same path as his father!"...
and then a week later, when she realized I was going to file for divorce....
"Well, it wasn't that bad! He didn't punch you, or put a knife to your throat!" REALLLY!?!?!? Are you seriously trying to tell me that DV is acceptable? And her response was, "Well, it's not really DV. He just got angry and accidentally grabbed you!"
Denial.
On the DV topic.... Do NOT let anyone minimize your feelings about what happened! Ever. Period.
If other people are willing to accept unacceptable behavior - that's their business, not ours.
My MIL's exhusband (AH's father) used to punch her, choke her, and the last straw was he tried to slit her throat!! And her initial response to me when I told her about the throat grabbing incident was - "oh no! He's going down the same path as his father!"...
and then a week later, when she realized I was going to file for divorce....
"Well, it wasn't that bad! He didn't punch you, or put a knife to your throat!" REALLLY!?!?!? Are you seriously trying to tell me that DV is acceptable? And her response was, "Well, it's not really DV. He just got angry and accidentally grabbed you!"
Denial.
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