Newcomer, first post
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: WV
Posts: 1
Newcomer, first post
Hello out there,
I've never written in such an environment. I'm taking a shot in the dark that this may yield some decent results for me. I just had an argument with my boyfriend of 1 year regarding this matter and I'd like some perspective.
My brother, a recovering heroin addict who used for roughly 3 years, got into some serious trouble, arrested for attempted robbery while on a drug binge and spent just over a year and a half in an out-of-state prison. He sobered up in prison and only then had he managed to stay sober for a significant amount of time. The prison he was in gave him a great rehabilitation program which he thrived in, though the natural stress of prison and that hostile environment drove him to desperately want to get paroled early and come home to my mother and I... my mother who has through his addiction been exposed to his drugs of choice and has since developed a nearly 2 year addiction of her own to heroin. She is NOT clean and has not made any significant commitment to changing, despite how she speaks of being focused on him. At this point, I know many people would say I should have just got him out of our shared home and away from her if I care for him, but there is a tragic, detailed saga that surrounds us.
My father died on cancer after only 4 months from diagnoses to burial. I was 15, my brother 12, and my mother was 42 and a housewife at the time. She eventually went to work, though has over these years of addiction failed to maintain employment of any sort or secure a paycheck that has benefited the household before her personal cravings. My brother's addictions started in mid-high school as my mother started finally working and drinking on her own. It was a very lonely, grief-riden household from that point on, with a great deal of verbal abuse. I got my way paid through college in our hometown and managed to work nearly full time and go to school. Having now graduated school and working two decent jobs and finally making a fair wage after everything, I am the bread winner for the household and sole support for my brother's soberity as my mother continues to flounder. I have no savings and significant credit card debt from struggling to find work and handle the household finances while my brother's legal issues mounted. I can't afford to leave my childhood home at the rate the mortgage is at versus rent in a college town; my credit is too poor to risk letting my mother's name drop off the car insurance or certain credit-sensitive accounts so I can't entirely disconnect from what we have at home.
My brother has been working and respecting my wishes and guidance for him since his return home on parole; he has made me very proud, though as they warn when addicts are pursuing soberity, perfection isn't realistic. I've been open with him that he has to be open with me, as he feels struggles coming on, issues develop, or just temptation or angry or loneliness, he needs to reach out to me. However, after taking a full-time job that doesn't make a difference in pay over his old part-time job and costs him in a daily commute, he has finally realized the fruitlessness of his current job and has admitted that he has let it effect him enough to risk his soberity, having slipped up quite a few times with pills in the past month or so. We agreed to lock up his bank card and information, get him time off work, which turned into his quitting and returning to his previous part-time job, and giving him time to clean up again and get back in touch with his needs before he totally lost it. He has been receptive and kind. I haven't rewarded him, other than to provide the same food and utilities at home and lend a listening ear to him.
I shared all this with my boyfriend tonight. He is a very cut-throat, no BS kind of man (which I do love him for in all other areas other than the topic of my brother). He was in shock by my brother's failure and started detailing for me that he clearly lacked respect for me, hasn't learned his lesson, and that I was lying to myself to justify away the problem at hand. This has recently become a long distance relationship with him and some talk of our moving together in the next year has come up. He is very clear that despite anything with us, he wants to see me get to have my own life and happiness and stop being taking advantage of in this situation. He seems to fight relentlessly for me, sometimes even against what I want for my family... I've never been able to give up on my family, knowing if I did just take care of myself, I'd have to live with knowing they ended up in a ditch somewhere, possibly together, homeless, alone, and addicted without my love, support, and guidance. I worry since all in all, we are all each other has, if I leave, they will waste away and specifically my baby brother will lose his only chance at happiness.
Please help me, give me any advice. I'm losing myself here. And I fear I'll still lose everyone else, my brother, my boyfriend, and my mother.
I've never written in such an environment. I'm taking a shot in the dark that this may yield some decent results for me. I just had an argument with my boyfriend of 1 year regarding this matter and I'd like some perspective.
My brother, a recovering heroin addict who used for roughly 3 years, got into some serious trouble, arrested for attempted robbery while on a drug binge and spent just over a year and a half in an out-of-state prison. He sobered up in prison and only then had he managed to stay sober for a significant amount of time. The prison he was in gave him a great rehabilitation program which he thrived in, though the natural stress of prison and that hostile environment drove him to desperately want to get paroled early and come home to my mother and I... my mother who has through his addiction been exposed to his drugs of choice and has since developed a nearly 2 year addiction of her own to heroin. She is NOT clean and has not made any significant commitment to changing, despite how she speaks of being focused on him. At this point, I know many people would say I should have just got him out of our shared home and away from her if I care for him, but there is a tragic, detailed saga that surrounds us.
My father died on cancer after only 4 months from diagnoses to burial. I was 15, my brother 12, and my mother was 42 and a housewife at the time. She eventually went to work, though has over these years of addiction failed to maintain employment of any sort or secure a paycheck that has benefited the household before her personal cravings. My brother's addictions started in mid-high school as my mother started finally working and drinking on her own. It was a very lonely, grief-riden household from that point on, with a great deal of verbal abuse. I got my way paid through college in our hometown and managed to work nearly full time and go to school. Having now graduated school and working two decent jobs and finally making a fair wage after everything, I am the bread winner for the household and sole support for my brother's soberity as my mother continues to flounder. I have no savings and significant credit card debt from struggling to find work and handle the household finances while my brother's legal issues mounted. I can't afford to leave my childhood home at the rate the mortgage is at versus rent in a college town; my credit is too poor to risk letting my mother's name drop off the car insurance or certain credit-sensitive accounts so I can't entirely disconnect from what we have at home.
My brother has been working and respecting my wishes and guidance for him since his return home on parole; he has made me very proud, though as they warn when addicts are pursuing soberity, perfection isn't realistic. I've been open with him that he has to be open with me, as he feels struggles coming on, issues develop, or just temptation or angry or loneliness, he needs to reach out to me. However, after taking a full-time job that doesn't make a difference in pay over his old part-time job and costs him in a daily commute, he has finally realized the fruitlessness of his current job and has admitted that he has let it effect him enough to risk his soberity, having slipped up quite a few times with pills in the past month or so. We agreed to lock up his bank card and information, get him time off work, which turned into his quitting and returning to his previous part-time job, and giving him time to clean up again and get back in touch with his needs before he totally lost it. He has been receptive and kind. I haven't rewarded him, other than to provide the same food and utilities at home and lend a listening ear to him.
I shared all this with my boyfriend tonight. He is a very cut-throat, no BS kind of man (which I do love him for in all other areas other than the topic of my brother). He was in shock by my brother's failure and started detailing for me that he clearly lacked respect for me, hasn't learned his lesson, and that I was lying to myself to justify away the problem at hand. This has recently become a long distance relationship with him and some talk of our moving together in the next year has come up. He is very clear that despite anything with us, he wants to see me get to have my own life and happiness and stop being taking advantage of in this situation. He seems to fight relentlessly for me, sometimes even against what I want for my family... I've never been able to give up on my family, knowing if I did just take care of myself, I'd have to live with knowing they ended up in a ditch somewhere, possibly together, homeless, alone, and addicted without my love, support, and guidance. I worry since all in all, we are all each other has, if I leave, they will waste away and specifically my baby brother will lose his only chance at happiness.
Please help me, give me any advice. I'm losing myself here. And I fear I'll still lose everyone else, my brother, my boyfriend, and my mother.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Lilymarie,
Welcome...I'm sorry that life has dealt you a poor hand, but you do not have to stay in the situation you're in.
I too once believed that I had the power to save people from themselves, but the truth is, I'm just not that powerful. The more I gave and protected my son, the more he found the wiggle room to use - usually samller amounts at first - and eventually founnd himself right back where he started ( full blown relapse).
Trust me when I say this...you taking care of your own needs will not put your family in a ditch. They are perfectly capable of making good decisions, should they choose to. In fact, by appointing yourself their protector and the wise one, you are sending your brother the message that he is not capable of taking care of himself. If you are told that enough times, you begin to believe it.
Perhaps your BF sees that he will always come second to your family? Perhaps he is frustrated that the more bad decisions they make, the deeper you dig in? If you put yourself in his shoes, would you see a happy future for the two of you?
And infortunately, I understand first hand the feeling of losing yourself. I used to think I could take charge of everything in my uiniverse, and would often feel that as a result, I failed miserably at everything.
Stick around and get comfy...there are lots here who understand.
(((Hugs)))
Welcome...I'm sorry that life has dealt you a poor hand, but you do not have to stay in the situation you're in.
I too once believed that I had the power to save people from themselves, but the truth is, I'm just not that powerful. The more I gave and protected my son, the more he found the wiggle room to use - usually samller amounts at first - and eventually founnd himself right back where he started ( full blown relapse).
Trust me when I say this...you taking care of your own needs will not put your family in a ditch. They are perfectly capable of making good decisions, should they choose to. In fact, by appointing yourself their protector and the wise one, you are sending your brother the message that he is not capable of taking care of himself. If you are told that enough times, you begin to believe it.
Perhaps your BF sees that he will always come second to your family? Perhaps he is frustrated that the more bad decisions they make, the deeper you dig in? If you put yourself in his shoes, would you see a happy future for the two of you?
And infortunately, I understand first hand the feeling of losing yourself. I used to think I could take charge of everything in my uiniverse, and would often feel that as a result, I failed miserably at everything.
Stick around and get comfy...there are lots here who understand.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Lilymarie,
Welcome to SR, so glad you posted your wonderful story and are reaching out a hand to serenity.
If you have the opportunity, check out a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting. There you will feel acceptance beyone imagination and a kinship with others facing the same difficult struggles you are. You may also hear that you need to take care of yourself, just as your boyfriend, brother and mother need to. We are all adults.
You can be supportive of your brother, but it does not need to drag you down.
Good luck and I am sending you a virtual hug.
Welcome to SR, so glad you posted your wonderful story and are reaching out a hand to serenity.
If you have the opportunity, check out a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting. There you will feel acceptance beyone imagination and a kinship with others facing the same difficult struggles you are. You may also hear that you need to take care of yourself, just as your boyfriend, brother and mother need to. We are all adults.
You can be supportive of your brother, but it does not need to drag you down.
Good luck and I am sending you a virtual hug.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by lilymarie123 
I've never been able to give up on my family, knowing if I did just take care of myself, I'd have to live with knowing they ended up in a ditch somewhere, possibly together, homeless, alone, and addicted without my love, support, and guidance. I worry since all in all, we are all each other has, if I leave, they will waste away and specifically my baby brother will lose his only chance at happiness.
Glad you've found us.
In my opinion, we have to let go and give others their wings. Love support and guidance are GOOD things, until it starts to interfere with OUR daily lives.
You do not have to give UP on your family.
Please try to find some meetings, and perhaps pick up the book, "Codependent No more" by Melodie Beatty
hugs and hugs......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
We codependents get ourselves in a place where we feel we alone stand between someone else's survival and disaster. That's all about our own ego and focus on controlling other people. The more we focus on other people ,the less we look at our own roles in all the dysfunction.
Brother is a convicted felon who quit his full time job, in this tough economy, because it did not pay more than his former PT job sounds like, well a lot of BS. Where does this unemployed man get the money for the pills? Be aware that your assessment is likely based on what he tells you and it's unlikely the truth, the whole truth.
How is it that you are the sole support of this household and you need to remain under you heroin addicted mom's insurance policy because she has the better credit score? This makes no sense. Where does she get the money for her drugs?
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Can you seriously consider giving these two the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of their choices? You are not your brother or mother's keeper.
Taking responsibility for your own debt and repairing your own credit has to be a top priority.
Brother is a convicted felon who quit his full time job, in this tough economy, because it did not pay more than his former PT job sounds like, well a lot of BS. Where does this unemployed man get the money for the pills? Be aware that your assessment is likely based on what he tells you and it's unlikely the truth, the whole truth.
How is it that you are the sole support of this household and you need to remain under you heroin addicted mom's insurance policy because she has the better credit score? This makes no sense. Where does she get the money for her drugs?
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Can you seriously consider giving these two the gift of dignity to experience the consequences of their choices? You are not your brother or mother's keeper.
Taking responsibility for your own debt and repairing your own credit has to be a top priority.
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