moment of weakness
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
moment of weakness
I had a moment of weakness tonight. My ex used my computer while we were together, and when I was signing into my email, I hit the wrong letter (k instead of j) under the username and his email address popped up instead of mine. Yup, here we go...
I couldn't stop myself, I clicked on it. The computer remembered the password, and signed me in. I knew it was wrong when I did it, I just couldn't stop myself. Stupid stupid stupid
It was like driving past a car accident. You know you shouldn't look, but you can't stop staring...
Inbox had alot of match.com information. Profile info, including an "interests" entry which read "hanging out in dark bars with good music". Under drinking, he put "regularly". On the list of 'hobbies': all of the things he promised we would eventually do together, but never did. No money, no motivation to get off the couch.
My tummy hurts. I know it was a horrible idea to even look, and that I need to erase all the history (including passwords) from my computer so I can't do it again. I know that I want him to move on with his life, and I have been doing so great here, moving on with mine. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I look for something I knew I didn't want to see?
Funny enough, the part that hurts the most is that he put "regularly" under drinking. The codie in me isn't as upset about him moving on as I am upset about him still not seeing that he has a problem. That's all codie, nothing else. Reminding me that even in my final departure, there was that underlying hope that I had made my point, and he was going to get healthy once I left. That I had made a difference in his life.
I am still so solid in my decision, I know I did the right thing for me, and I guess in a way seeing this makes me feel that way even more, especially the "hanging out in dark bars" thing. Proving that nothing I ever did or said sunk in, about his drinking. Proving me and alot of us right, that if they really don't want to change, they won't. They say they want to quit, and change, but they can't do it without us. And so often we believe them. The truth is they WON'T do it without us, which is why it so rarely lasts when we stick around. All the promises of "yes I have a problem, yes I need help" and as soon as we are out of the picture everything goes back to the way it was. He can live without me, and is going to, sitting in some dark bar listening to music, with someone who wants to do the same thing.
I get a strange satisfaction out of the obvious: that I didn't fall for the "going to therapy" and "quitting drinking" promises ~ they were all lies, just as I had thought. I am proud of myself right now, for believing my gut, instead of the alcoholic.
Working through the emotions here, allowing myself to feel every one, and talk myself through it. A part of me is glad I did it, to realize that the whole thing was a farce, that I was right to get out because the promises of quitting and improvement were obviously not sincere. Glad I got out when I did. That codie part though, the part that was lied to for so long, the part that wanted to believe him, is struggling to come to the surface and be hurt, sad, and tearful, but I refuse to let it. The codie part is hurt, but the healthy part of me is relieved.
Commence with the spankings now, I deserve it
I couldn't stop myself, I clicked on it. The computer remembered the password, and signed me in. I knew it was wrong when I did it, I just couldn't stop myself. Stupid stupid stupid
It was like driving past a car accident. You know you shouldn't look, but you can't stop staring...
Inbox had alot of match.com information. Profile info, including an "interests" entry which read "hanging out in dark bars with good music". Under drinking, he put "regularly". On the list of 'hobbies': all of the things he promised we would eventually do together, but never did. No money, no motivation to get off the couch.
My tummy hurts. I know it was a horrible idea to even look, and that I need to erase all the history (including passwords) from my computer so I can't do it again. I know that I want him to move on with his life, and I have been doing so great here, moving on with mine. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I look for something I knew I didn't want to see?
Funny enough, the part that hurts the most is that he put "regularly" under drinking. The codie in me isn't as upset about him moving on as I am upset about him still not seeing that he has a problem. That's all codie, nothing else. Reminding me that even in my final departure, there was that underlying hope that I had made my point, and he was going to get healthy once I left. That I had made a difference in his life.
I am still so solid in my decision, I know I did the right thing for me, and I guess in a way seeing this makes me feel that way even more, especially the "hanging out in dark bars" thing. Proving that nothing I ever did or said sunk in, about his drinking. Proving me and alot of us right, that if they really don't want to change, they won't. They say they want to quit, and change, but they can't do it without us. And so often we believe them. The truth is they WON'T do it without us, which is why it so rarely lasts when we stick around. All the promises of "yes I have a problem, yes I need help" and as soon as we are out of the picture everything goes back to the way it was. He can live without me, and is going to, sitting in some dark bar listening to music, with someone who wants to do the same thing.
I get a strange satisfaction out of the obvious: that I didn't fall for the "going to therapy" and "quitting drinking" promises ~ they were all lies, just as I had thought. I am proud of myself right now, for believing my gut, instead of the alcoholic.
Working through the emotions here, allowing myself to feel every one, and talk myself through it. A part of me is glad I did it, to realize that the whole thing was a farce, that I was right to get out because the promises of quitting and improvement were obviously not sincere. Glad I got out when I did. That codie part though, the part that was lied to for so long, the part that wanted to believe him, is struggling to come to the surface and be hurt, sad, and tearful, but I refuse to let it. The codie part is hurt, but the healthy part of me is relieved.
Commence with the spankings now, I deserve it
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
No spankings kitty-it's a natural reaction what you did.
So is the feeling you got in your gut-the same feeling I got when I saw the "Goodbye" email I got this week. (one of many, progressing from I miss you to I love you, to please forgive me to goodbye) Didn't read it, deleted like the rest and while I felt sad, I also felt a wave of relief for trusting my gut instinct that I did the right thing. Let him sit in his little tiny place in front of his computer, searching for female friends, living life the way he wants. I have my life to live and I choose to do it without the specter of broken promises, half truths and quacking as a part of my life.
Next day, I went to my Windows Live page and clicked on his name in my list of MSN friends- Saw where he had befriended a bunch of "women" at 3am the night before. I know from past experience that he does this when drunk-in other words, nothing changes.
Yup, the codie in me was hurt because of what I saw there and what was said in our final conversation but my "little voice" inside keeps telling me that I did the right thing. That voice is getting stronger each day and after the good day I had today, I realize that I did do the right thing and that my little voice was right all along.
So is the feeling you got in your gut-the same feeling I got when I saw the "Goodbye" email I got this week. (one of many, progressing from I miss you to I love you, to please forgive me to goodbye) Didn't read it, deleted like the rest and while I felt sad, I also felt a wave of relief for trusting my gut instinct that I did the right thing. Let him sit in his little tiny place in front of his computer, searching for female friends, living life the way he wants. I have my life to live and I choose to do it without the specter of broken promises, half truths and quacking as a part of my life.
Next day, I went to my Windows Live page and clicked on his name in my list of MSN friends- Saw where he had befriended a bunch of "women" at 3am the night before. I know from past experience that he does this when drunk-in other words, nothing changes.
Yup, the codie in me was hurt because of what I saw there and what was said in our final conversation but my "little voice" inside keeps telling me that I did the right thing. That voice is getting stronger each day and after the good day I had today, I realize that I did do the right thing and that my little voice was right all along.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I did something similar when the last ex moved out. We each had our own mailboxes with the ISP.
I called him and told him I was canceling the account in one week, that he should make other arrangements for his email. I felt creepy for looking at some of it, and the best thing for me was to just avoid temptation.
You can clear the saved account/password info from your computer.
You didn't commit the crime of the century. I think you will have a lot more peace if you make it impossible to do it again.
I called him and told him I was canceling the account in one week, that he should make other arrangements for his email. I felt creepy for looking at some of it, and the best thing for me was to just avoid temptation.
You can clear the saved account/password info from your computer.
You didn't commit the crime of the century. I think you will have a lot more peace if you make it impossible to do it again.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I did something similar when I was preparing to move out...I went through his "keepsakes box" to find the hard drives where he kept...inappropriate pics of me...and for my trouble, I found another woman's underwear. Then he tried to convince me they were mine.
Like you, my snooping was just a confirmation that I was making the right decision.
Like you, my snooping was just a confirmation that I was making the right decision.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
NO spankings here.
I am terrible about snooping.
I was really lied to a lot, and the deceptions were deep and real, and caused irreparable damage to us both.
I have no judgements. Especially when snooping validates your suspicions. Thats a hard thing to resist. we are all human.
I am terrible about snooping.
I was really lied to a lot, and the deceptions were deep and real, and caused irreparable damage to us both.
I have no judgements. Especially when snooping validates your suspicions. Thats a hard thing to resist. we are all human.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
It's difficult not to do so, whether it's right or wrong, when we have been lied to about things big and small for years. I've done it too and I never feel better after I find that what I suspect is infact happening. I guess the only purpose it has served has been to say "see, you can stop telling me I am imagining things since I have no proof bc now I do have proof". I haven't wanted to accept that once I am at that point it's clear to everyone but me that there is no reason to be or to have been in the relationship.
I can't trust my AH and I have told him that. His response? "I am lying a lot less now than I used to and you should be giving me some credit for that". Yup. That's right. I should feel good and congratulate him for moving down on the pathological liar scale.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I've been there too often as well. You made the right decision to be apart from him but it doesn't make it hurt less right now. Hang in there.
I can't trust my AH and I have told him that. His response? "I am lying a lot less now than I used to and you should be giving me some credit for that". Yup. That's right. I should feel good and congratulate him for moving down on the pathological liar scale.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I've been there too often as well. You made the right decision to be apart from him but it doesn't make it hurt less right now. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
WTBH,
Thats funny, My RAH keeps saying that, too...That he is lying a lot less now.
I file it under grandiose views of normal behavior in an addict.
Also, my half smile and silence when he says it usually will cause him to stammer and back pedal it...
"I know thats no big success, but it is to me..."
LOL
Thats funny, My RAH keeps saying that, too...That he is lying a lot less now.
I file it under grandiose views of normal behavior in an addict.
Also, my half smile and silence when he says it usually will cause him to stammer and back pedal it...
"I know thats no big success, but it is to me..."
LOL
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
WTBH,
Thats funny, My RAH keeps saying that, too...That he is lying a lot less now.
I file it under grandiose views of normal behavior in an addict.
Also, my half smile and silence when he says it usually will cause him to stammer and back pedal it...
"I know thats no big success, but it is to me..."
LOL
Thats funny, My RAH keeps saying that, too...That he is lying a lot less now.
I file it under grandiose views of normal behavior in an addict.
Also, my half smile and silence when he says it usually will cause him to stammer and back pedal it...
"I know thats no big success, but it is to me..."
LOL
Mine doesn't get to the "I know that's no big success" directly but does say things like "one day at a time" and "I'm doing the best I can" after making a remark like that about his lying.
I'm PRETTY sure that one day at a time and I'm doing the best I can aren't meant to be used to justify insane rationalizations of crappy behavior.
Oh, another personal favorite I've gotten lately is that in order to deal with his resentments he needs to "pray for the person he's resentful toward". Doesn't need to do anything about looking at his role in whatever he's resentful about. Just needs to get up on his pedastal and pray for others. When I point out how this flies in the face of keeping your own side of the street clean FIRST, he tells me I should do that (he's right) and that he will pray for me.
UGH!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Thanks for the continuing support guys, I couldn't do it without you.
After I left, I knew some days would be bad, and some days would be good. And I really enjoyed the good days, and can't wait for them to come back. Got sick last night from some medication, so feeling pukey is not really helping my attitude right now.
It's so hard to turn my back on someone I care about, even when I know it's for the best. Bottom line is, I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. And if doing things I don't agree with makes him happy, then I want to be able to accept that and move on.
I still find, when I think about him and our relationship, that I'm missing things that never were. For instance, I saw an advert online for a concert going on, a festival of some bands that he really likes, and I would enjoy too. My first reaction was "aw, we could have gone to that, we would have had so much fun..." But when I really think about it, A) we wouldn't be able to even afford to go, due to his debt and my money saving policies (I was so terrified of getting into debt with him), and B) he would have had a great time drinking and smoking himself into oblivion, and I would have been the babysitter. So it wouldn't have been fun for me. But my first reaction was how much fun it would have been to go to a concert and camp with him. In love with the idea of him, and who i'd like him to be. The him I had hoped was going to show up eventually, not who he really is. It was good for me to see that.
Examining and working through my emotions is really helping me lately. Instead of just going with the first feeling that comes around and wallowing in it, when i dig a little deeper, I can uncover my true feelings and address those.
Thanks for making it easier everyone. I was going to say, "couldn't do it without you", but that's the alcoholic's line. Since they already have a limited selection, I don't want to steal one of their precious catch phrases :chatter
After I left, I knew some days would be bad, and some days would be good. And I really enjoyed the good days, and can't wait for them to come back. Got sick last night from some medication, so feeling pukey is not really helping my attitude right now.
It's so hard to turn my back on someone I care about, even when I know it's for the best. Bottom line is, I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. And if doing things I don't agree with makes him happy, then I want to be able to accept that and move on.
I still find, when I think about him and our relationship, that I'm missing things that never were. For instance, I saw an advert online for a concert going on, a festival of some bands that he really likes, and I would enjoy too. My first reaction was "aw, we could have gone to that, we would have had so much fun..." But when I really think about it, A) we wouldn't be able to even afford to go, due to his debt and my money saving policies (I was so terrified of getting into debt with him), and B) he would have had a great time drinking and smoking himself into oblivion, and I would have been the babysitter. So it wouldn't have been fun for me. But my first reaction was how much fun it would have been to go to a concert and camp with him. In love with the idea of him, and who i'd like him to be. The him I had hoped was going to show up eventually, not who he really is. It was good for me to see that.
Examining and working through my emotions is really helping me lately. Instead of just going with the first feeling that comes around and wallowing in it, when i dig a little deeper, I can uncover my true feelings and address those.
Thanks for making it easier everyone. I was going to say, "couldn't do it without you", but that's the alcoholic's line. Since they already have a limited selection, I don't want to steal one of their precious catch phrases :chatter
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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I still find, when I think about him and our relationship, that I'm missing things that never were. For instance, I saw an advert online for a concert going on, a festival of some bands that he really likes, and I would enjoy too. My first reaction was "aw, we could have gone to that, we would have had so much fun..." ..... In love with the idea of him, and who i'd like him to be. The him I had hoped was going to show up eventually, not who he really is. It was good for me to see that.
It's really great that you've seen this-- I think I see it in me too but then try to shove it down. I have that experience of "oh this would be so fun to do with AH" or "Oh I remember how special this was with AH" but in reality what I am fondly recalling or wishing for are all just hopes and wishes based on what I'd LIKE and not what was or what will be (though I can't predict that for certain I guess).
You're really strong and doing well! I'm going to remind myself of what you've said above and thank you for opening my eyes!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
Wow. And I felt so stupid for doing something that I knew was wrong. Something made us look, right? I found an e-mail to his ex-wife professing his undying love and how he could never give his heart to another because it would always belong to her (she supposedly cheated on him, then left him, hmmmmm......). He said even though he had good company now (wtf?), that he longed for her touch and thought about her all the time. This was after we had been dating for about 8 months. I was really hurt. I printed the letter out and left it on his kitchen table along with my house key. Well, that was just one of the times "I left him". He told me that he wrote it to make her feel guilty. I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. I don't think he was ever "over" her. Who knows what the truth is? He sure doesn't know how to tell it.
Thanks for the insight!
Thanks for the insight!
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