chicory

have you ever been so angry that you were beside yourself with grief at the same time, for things said in anger?

I got so angry today, at being lied to, being taken for granted, and for all round not being cared about or respected.

I think I got angry mostly because i could not control the situation- which I know was stupid of me.

I prayed this morning, for the right words, the right attitude for today,but obviously there is a button in me that when it is pushed, I go haywire.I said things in anger, which i hated myself for. I know that is abusive, but when i feel that someone does not care, that I could lay down and die and they would not do what is right, it makes me more angry than anything that I can think of. I dont know what to do with that anger- how to deal with it, in a way that does not make everything worse.

I feel like this anger came from He!! itself. I hate myself for it. And I feel like a child, throwing a tantrum. Where the heck did I ever develop the need to control- I never had any control in my life!!

Expectations are just trouble.

I dont even have an hormonal excuse

suki44883

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry, chicory. I'm guessing he's still there? I'm not sure what to tell you, hon. Just know that we care about you.

StarCat

Maybe this is where it came from?
Perhaps, in not having control, you have decided that you need just the opposite.


It is okay to have feelings.
Sometimes they are wonderful, welcome feelings.
Sometimes they are scary feelings.
Both kinds are good, and healthy, and worth feeling.

It's not what you feel, it's what you do with it.
Maybe you can channel that anger, and use that energy to go do something for yourself?
Just a thought.

When I am angry, I have discovered that I can do a pretty nice workout.
I keep going, long after I would usually be tired, and quit.

chicory

Suki
StarCat
Anvilhead

Thank you, for caring.

Thank you for being a place I can go to, and tell my innermost thoughts, no matter what they are. I have so much to learn about feelings. along with everything else.

It was frightening. I felt like the anger was twisting around in my heart like a tornado, ready to burst open. Boy, I dont know how that is good to be feeling, but I accept that it is a message to me.

hugs
chicory

duqld1717

You have to let anger out just like you have to let a laugh out or a cry out. Its an emotion. Don't feel bad. I personally have to let my agries out or it festers and I never get over the reason why I'm agry. I will mull over it for weeks if I don't get it out or address it. It may not look or sound pretty, but it sure is healthy and freeing.

LaTeeDa

That's what's really important here. Anger is a signal that something's not right, something needs to change. The more potent the anger, the more important the signal. At least that's what I believe.

I found myself angry for months, even years at a time. I was ignoring the signal.

L

theuncertainty

Hugs, Chicory. I love Anvilhead's post. Yep. Anger is so hard to work through, to accept. I was about to start a post about it too. I'm having a really hard time working through it. Arrrrrrgh. I don't understand me. My sister embraces her anger, uses it to find solutions, is teaching her boys to do to same - I hope it's rubbing off on DS, too. Me, I want to run, or at least put my hands over my ears and go 'lalalalala - I can't hear you" when anger raises it's head. It just ain't 'ladylike'. Seriously, though, I'm just having a hard time accepting it.

I don't know if you mean it literally, but I really wanted to respond to this:
You're not abusive, Chicory. Here's how I KNOW that: You feel remorse for how you handled yourself. Some one who is abusive would not. Some one who is abusive would see nothing wrong with how they treated the other person. Some one who is abusive would blame some one, any one, else for their outburst. You state "I got so angry..." not "He made me..."

Please don't be so hard on yourself. As I've read from others here and as Anvilhead pointed out, emotions just are; they are not good or bad. It's what we do with them that matters. So, this time, your buttons got pushed and you acted in a way you don't like, but you're aware of the buttons and your reaction. You can work on changing your response in the future. Progress, not perfection.

theuncertainty

Oh, as far as what to do with it... I have a journal that has several pages that are peppered with "I HATE XAH!!!!!" and a lovely little sketch book with several pages with the same in charcoal smears. I play with watercolor crayons and turning the same words into colorful abstract watercolor paintings. Some days, that's all that I need to get out, and I feel a little better after it's on the paper.

I also clean like there's no tomorrow when I need to work out some of the anger. I'm sure the neighbors in a couple of our apartments always wondered why the vacuum would always start right after XAH slammed out the front door...

Shellcrusher

I may have posted this before but here's my take on it.

I embrace anger. It's a tool that when channeled correctly is very powerful. To me, uncontrolled anger is a lump of coal. It's soft, black, leaves marks on anything it touches, can be crushed and basically isn't worth much. Nobody really wants to hold it in their hands. It's messy.

If you're able to bottle it up a little, let the pressure build, feel the heat inside of that anger, you'll slowly start transforming that lump of coal into a Diamond. It's hard, beautiful, doesn't crush, takes in light and allows us to see the colors, can cut when needed and in general, it's value is far superior to coal.

So yes, it's okay to embrace anger. Just see it for what it is and use it appropriately.

Edit: I wrote this before seeing what theuncertainty wrote. See the correlation?

TakingCharge999

Ohhh.... so THAT's where it comes from... my need of control... thanks for the lightbulb moment here...

chicory I get my anger out doing kickboxing/boxing.. doing sports help!!! and I was not angry today until a moment ago where I ran into XABF at work.... just seeing his face prompts a fire.. I just want to kick him hard in the *****... IMHO its better to be angry than to be sad... I support the idea that it does not feel healthy but it may as well, be a sign of health and progression to feel angry, when in the past all I felt was sadness... anger prompts action. And fitness

I need to go buy my punching gloves for box on Friday. Thanks for the idea. I will go right away, with the advantage of no longer being around XABF that appears everywhere, similar to fungus!!

justjo

Hi Chic, honey!!
You know I think that you are a beautiful person, so get angry babe....

You know what chick, I was the person who would never get angry, it almost seemed like I didnt care. Sure i would get frustrated, probably the same as angry. But boy if I did get angry, (get out of the way).

I call anger, the 'truth'. When I get angry, the truth comes out in leaps and bounds. I was always the mum, sister, daughter, partner that didnt want to upset anyone, ya know chick, think of them instead and I suffered for a long time. Nowadays though, I look at it like this. - Not everyone is going to agree with me, so thats that and no one is going to hurt me either. Its now up to them to live their lives without involving me in the b__lsh_t.

Truth, like everyone here is saying - its a red bell ringing, alarm... to us somethings not right.

chicory

Boy, my day was a ruin. Except for the lessons on anger.
I went to the grocery and could barely hold my head up.

I dont mind being angry as much as saying ugly things that I knew I did not mean. Then I felt like I hated myself , and just went on making it worse, to match how i felt about myself. crazy.

Thank you, for saying that you dont think i am an abuser. My mom was. She would call us names, and yell a lot, and never said she was sorry- never.

I told him I did not mean what I said, and that I was sorry. We never know what tomorrow, or even tonight will bring. i would not want that to be the last stuff I said to him.

yes, this anger, it is telling me something. To detach. To let go, and to give up trying to reason with him.

I am interested in recognizing anger, in other times . and in working through it. so much to learn. i feel like a child emotionally.

thanks for all your words. they have been a comfort today.

hugs
chicory

chicory

am i too old for kickboxing at 59?

dsorg

I know exactly what you're going through. It been happening to me too, for the last few days and for exactly the same reason. I feel my A is lying about everything & doesn't care.

chicory

Dsorg,
Do you belong to any alanon groups?
it helps me to come here too, where others understand. there probably is nothing that hasn't been heard here!
I really hate being lied to, but I guess that is what we should expect. anything else would be a miracle, to me. I have to remember that if I am trying to control him, or being jugemental, he is more apt to lie, or to close off communication altogether.
keep posting, it helps.
guess we cant expect them to care, either.
I think that we should have a guide of dos and don'ts - like "do not show surprise if you pick up a glass and it smells like liquor." maybe maybe simplify that to "do not pick up glasses and smell them, ever".

hang in there, we are strong together!
chicory

Babyblue

My dad was like your mom, a hot head. Not with us but with my mother. Still, it affected me so now I also have a hard time with anger.

If you don't have a role model on how to handle it in a healthy way, it is a frightening feeling for folks like us. My anger is actually a mixture of anger, confusion and it terrifies me.

I know anger is healthy but when I feel it, I just want to stuff it in. Not good!
I LOL'd when you said you apolgized because that is exactly what I do.

When you find out how to deal with it like regular folks... let me know because I have the exact some problem.

Kickboxing would be a great idea! I have been partial to ****** dolls myself

chicory

.

[/QUOTE]

Babyblue-you made me laugh!

You know, ****** dolls had to be invented by one pi**ed off spouse of an alcoholic.....


hug,
chicory

TakingCharge999

Hahahaha!! thanks for the laugh!



chicory there is a lady that is 62 and she does Pilates better than anyone and also joins the kickboxing class. Of course it depends on your fitness level but I like my classes because they are like aerobics, movements infront of the mirror and you can leave or take longer breaks if you need to... if you are not that used to cardio then perhaps walking, or tai chi, yoga?? those have helped me too and are easier on the body.. or perhaps you can get a Tai chi DVD?? the important thing is that you like it so you can do it more frequently... at least I am able to go "UGHHHH!!! ok.. its ok... I'll get this out later in my class" and I am able to move on during the rest of the day

Some other tips:

Darts and a picture
Angry unsent letters
Hitting the matress with a tennis racket or with a pillow
Put yourself in the hands of HP. Imagine you have the person infront of you and tell the person or do to the person whatever you feel, in your imagination. Then let the person go, or bury him/her. Then thank HP for helping you deal with anger in a non harming way. Repeat until inner peace. (I have lost count of how many times I have "killed" some characters in my life, I have done this with the help of a therapist, a healer, with DVDs and also by myself).

Buddhist books about mantras/mandalas/healing meditations are great, too.. let me see if I find a meditation for anger...
Last but not least, giving the feeling or the situation to HP has worked for me..

Alone22

I do my best house cleaning when I am angry. When I am done, I feel better and my house looks great! Now that I am better at detaching my house is in need of some deep cleaning, but I will take the calmness of my soul to a clean house any day.