jdey57

Okay so, I had 8 1/2 yrs, then would have had 7 yrs 4/19/11 (did not attend meetings or have contact w/AA'ers for 6 of those yrs) and now, 6 days since last drink.

I drank April 1. It kind of blows me away because the previous Thurs. I felt like I was in a black hole emotionally in the AM (you'd, I, think if someone was going to drink, this would be it), met my sponsor for breakfast & was expecting, like it usually happens that, just seeing her face to face, I usually walk away feeling strengthened.

However, this time, almost immediately after sitting down, she says looking out the window, "I'm not a psychologist". WOW! I felt like I was punched in the stomach! (that was March 24)

Honestly, I don't even remember what I was saying! Looking back, the psychologist comment took the wind out of me.

I haven't worked in 7 years & am so full of fear and doubt about 'me' that all I REALLY want is to completely (and sometimes I need to be smacked out of my daily STUFF) focus on incorporating the steps (positive thinking) into my daily STUFF.

I really wish she would have SAID, "you are focusing too much on such & such. I am feeling like your sounding board & for me, I need us to focus on the program". I need this direct... direction. However, the psychologist comment was indirect, cold and honestly, truly hurtful. This tough Irish girl has learned just how tough I AM NOT. Super sensitive to the hilt.

I would have understood because I've been on both sides of the fence... I've allowed people to drain me & I've drained people. I thought we knew each other enough to be gut wrenching honest, but, I guess I read us wrong.

I know... poor me! I've been around enough that I know the answers! As they say, "self knowledge avails us NOTHING'!

The week goes on & I'm accepting of the psychologist comment, moving on text/talk about getting down to business starting w/ 2nd step. Really excited now!! Text her on Sun. saying reading 2nd step tonight & when will we discuss? She replys.... booked all week!!

WHAT?

I either talked or texted that since last spring (2010) I've wanted to go through these steps & this is about the 3rd time I've put my step work on the back burner waiting for her. Yes, I'm getting pissed (frustrated, hurt), now!

Monday, I receive a call that she says, "I think we should just be friends'. At some point she says, I think you need to get a job...

In speaking with some people trying to reach out, one tells me, 'I think she takes you so far & you're on your own'. Another says, 'she's brushed me off too several times.' So, I'm thinking she may only be able to handle those emotionally stable already, sober for some time & chooses to not take the time to actually take people through the steps? I'm SOOOO confused! Then, DON'T agree to sponsor people that NEED & WANT Steps!

Of course it's always MY FAULT! that causes problems! Well, today (not on April 1) I was able/willing to take a look at ME. It's not all me but it is my responsibility to see my part... but I need help, darn it!

I've lived my life alone & I'm sick & tired of being sick & tired... alone. I AM trying to trust even when it is uncomfortable & I'd rather stay in my house alone.

Of course all can not be put here & there is much more to this story, i.e., no job & price I'm paying emotionally for that, in a relationship with a dry drunk, myself getting back to meetings scared to death dealing with my issues that being around people again can bring, etc., etc., etc.

April 1, when she said maybe we should just be friends was like the last straw that broke the camels back. I wasn't in that desperate black hole... so I thought, but it was the day I drank.

This situation has got to be a lesson for me that all of us are just drunks trying to stay sober one day at a time. No one is perfect and we do the best we can.

My, lets call her my inner child, is kicking & screaming how I was done wrong & SEE no one can be trusted! This is dangerous thinking & I must keep talking, reaching out & get to work on my steps.

There are 2 women that we are going to meet 1 day a week & do a step study. This is all I've wanted since last spring. How sad that I have to feel extreme emotion & reaction to realize that the most important relationship in life is with my Higher Power.... that wasn't my realization, someone said it to me

As the days go on, I'm forgetting the details of what actually happened. I fear that @ some point her & I will discuss & she will (with all her spirituality & maturity) point out what's wrong with me and ignore how poorly she handled this situation. I want to be validated! Darn it!.... there's that little girl again!!

Guess I'll go pray on it and pray to just let it go.

Hope I didn't sound TOO off the wall! I just needed to let a little steam (hurt) off.

Thanks.

draper

Can you get a different sponsor? Seems like this one is keeping you waiting a long time to go through the steps. I am not sure what does or doesn't make a good sponsor but I don't think this one is a good one.

Anna

Hi,

I'm not an AA person, but reading your post, I think you are focusing way too much on this person, so much that it caused you to drink.

Believe in yourself and that you can do this. Keep focusing on your recovery and you will find the way to move forward. Maybe it's time to look for a new sponsor?

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...

glad you joined us...and have re started your sober time.
:

I gree an AA sponsor is there to mentor you thru Step work
from the BB one is not getting that from a sponsor.
please find one that will.

All my best..please stay connected to us.someone is always
here to share with and give support.

EmeraldRose

I would reconnect with AA and inquire about 'other' help.