Will it get better....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 21
Will it get better....
I have just joined this site 20 minutes ago, but accessed it numerous times, specifically hungover mornings after blackout drunken nights. I am embarrassed, disappointed, but mostly scared....
I am a 28 year old school teacher, with a master's degree and a passion for what I do. I work with students with disabilities, specifically students who struggle with addictions, abuse and behavior. I feel as though I can connect with my students because I understand them. They don't know why I understand them though. I understand because I am a drinker, who feels as though my life has been lost, as is the person I was supposed to become. Mostly I feel like a liar, preaching to them while hiding out behind my own shame.
A little background.... I have an amazing family, which I am unsure if I deserve. I was an amazing athlete, played Div. I soccer on scholarship and have earned a master's degree in my chosen field. Sports are what defined me as an adolescent, and when I lost the ability to play due to injury, I lost all sense of self. All I wanted was acceptance, since my confidence was gone. This is when I began drinking.
I have no control over my alcohol consumption. Everyday is a battle of "I'll only have just one", which has been proven time and time again to be impossible. Every truly bad thing I have ever done has been while under the influence, and every truly terrible thing that has happened to me has happened under the influence. Many things that I never want to remember but replay in my memory like a nightmare. I have thought I have hit rock bottom so many times, but I keep coming back. I am so ashamed from many of my past actions while drinking, yet can not imagine being an adult without it. I work hard, I have no kids or husband, I am a good daughter and sister, and teacher. I keep telling myself "I am not hurting anyone, everyone drinks, what's the big deal?" But I know that too is lie- right now I know that is a lie, when I want to drink it will become a justification.
I can't imagine going to the beach, or cleaning the house, or attending a wedding, going camping or ever having fun again, with my friends, without drinking. Everyone drinks. Many get drunk. I don't know how to do this.
I am sorry this is so long. I am so tired of regret and disgust with myself, but remembering is too hard and the idea of living without seems impossible. I don't know what to do.
I am a 28 year old school teacher, with a master's degree and a passion for what I do. I work with students with disabilities, specifically students who struggle with addictions, abuse and behavior. I feel as though I can connect with my students because I understand them. They don't know why I understand them though. I understand because I am a drinker, who feels as though my life has been lost, as is the person I was supposed to become. Mostly I feel like a liar, preaching to them while hiding out behind my own shame.
A little background.... I have an amazing family, which I am unsure if I deserve. I was an amazing athlete, played Div. I soccer on scholarship and have earned a master's degree in my chosen field. Sports are what defined me as an adolescent, and when I lost the ability to play due to injury, I lost all sense of self. All I wanted was acceptance, since my confidence was gone. This is when I began drinking.
I have no control over my alcohol consumption. Everyday is a battle of "I'll only have just one", which has been proven time and time again to be impossible. Every truly bad thing I have ever done has been while under the influence, and every truly terrible thing that has happened to me has happened under the influence. Many things that I never want to remember but replay in my memory like a nightmare. I have thought I have hit rock bottom so many times, but I keep coming back. I am so ashamed from many of my past actions while drinking, yet can not imagine being an adult without it. I work hard, I have no kids or husband, I am a good daughter and sister, and teacher. I keep telling myself "I am not hurting anyone, everyone drinks, what's the big deal?" But I know that too is lie- right now I know that is a lie, when I want to drink it will become a justification.
I can't imagine going to the beach, or cleaning the house, or attending a wedding, going camping or ever having fun again, with my friends, without drinking. Everyone drinks. Many get drunk. I don't know how to do this.
I am sorry this is so long. I am so tired of regret and disgust with myself, but remembering is too hard and the idea of living without seems impossible. I don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Surrey
Posts: 3
Here is something I wrote I thought I would share it with others. It is true what is said about recovery. It is a "We" program because we are all in this together and when things get tough it is a good thing to share that toughness with another. The ego used to get in my way and say, "What will people think if you let them know how you really feel?", but I found that if I am to overcome hardships in recovery sharing it with another is very helpful. There is an old saying that goes like this, "Together we stand and divided we fall". There is safety and strength in groups. So thank the ego for sharing and let someone know when you are struggling.
January 1, 2009
To break the curse of my past read this upon my being found.
This is me Richard I have been found. I remember my past, but now it is time to live in the present. Now that I am here I will make use of what I learn from the people that found me. If I should ever become lost again, I will reach out to the ones that found me and ask them to embrace me. For those who have touched me I will hold them forever in my heart.
January 1, 2009
To break the curse of my past read this upon my being found.
This is me Richard I have been found. I remember my past, but now it is time to live in the present. Now that I am here I will make use of what I learn from the people that found me. If I should ever become lost again, I will reach out to the ones that found me and ask them to embrace me. For those who have touched me I will hold them forever in my heart.
Last edited by Richardg; 04-05-2011 at 11:27 AM. Reason: The Grammer.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome to SR. Glad you are here.
Yes, you can get better. Never give up hope that you can get better. I tried many methods to stop drinking prior to finding the one thing that has worked for me for 10 years now, for me that was AA. It is not a program that works for everyone but there are many alternative treatments out there that work for others. Please keep searching till you find the one that works for you.
Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.
Yes, you can get better. Never give up hope that you can get better. I tried many methods to stop drinking prior to finding the one thing that has worked for me for 10 years now, for me that was AA. It is not a program that works for everyone but there are many alternative treatments out there that work for others. Please keep searching till you find the one that works for you.
Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
Yes, it will get better, and No, not everyone drinks.
You can do this and have a happy life, but it will require some hard decisions. If your life, activities and friends revolve around alcohol, then you will need to make some changes. But, it will be worth it.
I'm glad you posted.
You can do this and have a happy life, but it will require some hard decisions. If your life, activities and friends revolve around alcohol, then you will need to make some changes. But, it will be worth it.
I'm glad you posted.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: La La Land
Posts: 42
I am a newcomer and just joined today too. I really empathize with a lot of what you said. I used to be an athlete (played DII volleyball), I'm going back to school for my masters in teaching. Just wanted to say that I understand what you're going through right now. I'm facing going home at the end of the day and NOT DRINKING. It's a scary thing when it has become such a staple in your life--such a part of your daily routine. I'm not one to be talking as I'm just starting out on this road myself, but I think it could be helpful to focus on the things that you used to enjoy doing before succumbing to this addiction. Think of what your life could be without alcohol, not what it can't be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 64
Hopeful23
Glad you are here and I think you will find a lot of us either had the same or similar situations ...we excelled at one time, may even still ...we injured ourselves impaired..awful things happened while impaired...
I am just 5 days off the drink on my own relapse but the clean time before this relapse showed me life is way more fun and more enjoyable during the sober time versus the isolated loneliness drinking makes me ...even in a room of people , if I am drinking , I am alone. I may even be talking to people but its all me , just me , about me , me , me and of course where is my next drink. The horror of this withdrawal is mostly done but the work lays ahead.
There are lots of programs , AA , SMART , Rational Recovery and more. Try them out . You are not alone.
The no control over drinking you mention is akin to Step 1 in AA
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable"
Some folks don't care for that concept but from my experience, it holds true. I have gone through " I'll just have one" so many times. Very few times was it one and too often it was weeks of way more than 10 a day. If I did have just one at some place , it was within hours I was at the store getting the second , third , fourth , ....
While it may be true people drink , many are not alcoholics. Some people never drink , some drink lightly and some even drink heavily but for us lucky few , we get dependence and a whole set of reactions to alcohol that the other folks don't. They can stop on a dime, stop when they know its too much , stop when they see harm ...myself , I can't until some bottom hits ..and darn good luck so far its not been a very low bottom.
I'd like to work hard to make this the last bottom I see but it will be work.
You can get help to stop the vicious cycle this stuff puts us through.
Stay with us on SR and seek out support. It is a "we" thing , doing this alone has an extremely low success rate and I even doubt a true alcoholic ever recovers just by themselves but that is simply my opinion.
Take care
Glad you are here and I think you will find a lot of us either had the same or similar situations ...we excelled at one time, may even still ...we injured ourselves impaired..awful things happened while impaired...
I am just 5 days off the drink on my own relapse but the clean time before this relapse showed me life is way more fun and more enjoyable during the sober time versus the isolated loneliness drinking makes me ...even in a room of people , if I am drinking , I am alone. I may even be talking to people but its all me , just me , about me , me , me and of course where is my next drink. The horror of this withdrawal is mostly done but the work lays ahead.
There are lots of programs , AA , SMART , Rational Recovery and more. Try them out . You are not alone.
The no control over drinking you mention is akin to Step 1 in AA
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable"
Some folks don't care for that concept but from my experience, it holds true. I have gone through " I'll just have one" so many times. Very few times was it one and too often it was weeks of way more than 10 a day. If I did have just one at some place , it was within hours I was at the store getting the second , third , fourth , ....
While it may be true people drink , many are not alcoholics. Some people never drink , some drink lightly and some even drink heavily but for us lucky few , we get dependence and a whole set of reactions to alcohol that the other folks don't. They can stop on a dime, stop when they know its too much , stop when they see harm ...myself , I can't until some bottom hits ..and darn good luck so far its not been a very low bottom.
I'd like to work hard to make this the last bottom I see but it will be work.
You can get help to stop the vicious cycle this stuff puts us through.
Stay with us on SR and seek out support. It is a "we" thing , doing this alone has an extremely low success rate and I even doubt a true alcoholic ever recovers just by themselves but that is simply my opinion.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: uk
Posts: 57
Helo. I teach children with emotional and behavioural difficulties. They don't need a teacher who is drinking, they need a teacher with a clear head, bags of energy and to be emotionally stable. I am better equiped to be this teacher since i stopped drinking.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
I think every single person here can relate to that. We seem to be normal in every other phase of our life, except alcohol. I have found that alcoholics are often very smart and driven people.
We are not weak, we are sick.
I learn so much from the folks here and AA. We are not people that would normally mix. But the common problem brings us so close. Keep coming back! I'm glad you found us.
We get better - one day at a time!!!
We are not weak, we are sick.
I learn so much from the folks here and AA. We are not people that would normally mix. But the common problem brings us so close. Keep coming back! I'm glad you found us.
We get better - one day at a time!!!
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Hi Hopeful-
You sound like you may be an alcoholic. Only you can say for sure, but there is good news in that.
Millions of alcoholics before you have recovered and live happy lives. I'm one of them. It's gonna take a lot of work, but there is a solution.
Nice work here, just coming onto SR and asking for help. Make no mistake about it, there is power in the asking.
Looking forward to reading more about you and hearing about your progress.
Kjell~
You sound like you may be an alcoholic. Only you can say for sure, but there is good news in that.
Millions of alcoholics before you have recovered and live happy lives. I'm one of them. It's gonna take a lot of work, but there is a solution.
Nice work here, just coming onto SR and asking for help. Make no mistake about it, there is power in the asking.
Looking forward to reading more about you and hearing about your progress.
Kjell~
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Welcome hopeful
absolutely with a little work and commitment you can get better, and your life can be better
I used to think all adults drank too - clearly that's absurd...
I'm more of an adult that I ever was as a driinker
You'll find a lot of support here - look forward to seeing you around
D
absolutely with a little work and commitment you can get better, and your life can be better
I used to think all adults drank too - clearly that's absurd...
I'm more of an adult that I ever was as a driinker
You'll find a lot of support here - look forward to seeing you around
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 21
I didn't realize how hard it would be reading your responses. Hard not to keep saying, "but you don't really understand"...
Thank you for taking the time to write. Thank you for caring. I know that you do understand. Just so used to being judged as well.
Many people in my world have no idea 1.) that I battle with this everyday 2.) how hard it is to accept that I am not like "everybody else".
It makes it that much more difficult to feel connected or understood. I imagine this will be a process of self discovery. It would be nice to figure out what truly brings me happiness without the cloud of alcohol consuming my brain.
My biggest struggle is facing my past mistakes/ experiences with a sober and honest mind. That must be the shame and regret kicking in. It's much easier to forget/ ignore, with a beer (or 10).
This is day 4.
Thank you for taking the time to write. Thank you for caring. I know that you do understand. Just so used to being judged as well.
Many people in my world have no idea 1.) that I battle with this everyday 2.) how hard it is to accept that I am not like "everybody else".
It makes it that much more difficult to feel connected or understood. I imagine this will be a process of self discovery. It would be nice to figure out what truly brings me happiness without the cloud of alcohol consuming my brain.
My biggest struggle is facing my past mistakes/ experiences with a sober and honest mind. That must be the shame and regret kicking in. It's much easier to forget/ ignore, with a beer (or 10).
This is day 4.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Originally Posted by hopeful23 
My biggest struggle is facing my past mistakes/ experiences with a sober and honest mind. That must be the shame and regret kicking in.
...and you're not alone. We're just like you and you'll find the same in the rooms of AA.
Kjell~
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,039
It can, and WILL get better, I promise. It might not be easy at times, especially in the beginning, but you are not alone here. We truly understand what you are feeling...life is so wonderful sober. Cathy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi hopeful and welcome!
I was hopeless once too. There was no way I could navigate a world of drinkers without a drink (or 10). There was no way I could deal with life without a drink k (or 10). There was no way I could deal with myself without a drink (or 20).
With a miracle I got sober...with work I stay sober and am happy about it. I am happy because I have a counselor who has helped me repair the injury to my self. I am happy with the support I get here at SR. I am happy because without alcohol it is surprisingly easy to be happy and fulfilled and excited by life.
I promise you it gets better and we will help you as much as you let us.
I was hopeless once too. There was no way I could navigate a world of drinkers without a drink (or 10). There was no way I could deal with life without a drink k (or 10). There was no way I could deal with myself without a drink (or 20).
With a miracle I got sober...with work I stay sober and am happy about it. I am happy because I have a counselor who has helped me repair the injury to my self. I am happy with the support I get here at SR. I am happy because without alcohol it is surprisingly easy to be happy and fulfilled and excited by life.
I promise you it gets better and we will help you as much as you let us.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by hopeful23
I can't imagine going to the beach, or cleaning the house, or attending a wedding, going camping or ever having fun again, with my friends, without drinking. Everyone drinks. Many get drunk. I don't know how to do this.
When I drank, everyone I knew drank. Now that I'm sober I see that most people don't drink. And the ones that did, didn't drink like me. Now that I'm sober I've discovered I can have fun without drinking. And you will discover the same if you stick to recovery.
The problem I face isn't having fun without alcohol. The real challenge has been facing the tough times without alcohol, because I've discovered I didn't so much drink to have fun as much as I drank to avoid the discomfort of my drunk-a$$ed life.
Hang in there. Four days is awesome!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Congrats on day 4 and welcome to the forum! Glad you decided to post.....
Your post took me back to the fear I had about getting sober vs. the fear I had about continuing to drink. It's such a tough spot to be in.....
I had to focus on the here/now and staying sober in the moment. I just couldn't deal with the whole idea of never drinking again. I'm so glad I had this forum to lean on.
Things really will get better.......
Your post took me back to the fear I had about getting sober vs. the fear I had about continuing to drink. It's such a tough spot to be in.....
I had to focus on the here/now and staying sober in the moment. I just couldn't deal with the whole idea of never drinking again. I'm so glad I had this forum to lean on.
Things really will get better.......
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