Lost a parent to addiction
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2
Lost a parent to addiction
I recently lost a parent to addiction, and I have so much guilt. The last time we talked, I told her that I couldn't help her in the care taking department because I was having a hard time with how she acquired her disease. I didn't tell her that I loved her, and I couldn't communicate with her when she was dying because she slipped into a coma. This is the most awful feeling, not having made up with her. I can't help but feel like I contributed to her death. I keep having awful flashbacks of her final hours. Also, I'm filled with so much rage that I cannot go out into the world without wanting to beat the **** out of someone, anyone at all. I'm so pissed at her, and I probably will be for the remainder of my life. Anyone else experience this?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rage))) - I'm so sorry about your mom, but I CAN say that you did not contribute to her death. She made the choices that got her to that point.
Yes, anger is a very natural reaction...you're angry at her because she couldn't/wouldn't stop, you're angry at addiction, you're angry at yourself because you didn't say "I love you" the last time you spoke to her.
When my mom died (she was not an A, she had heart problems), I was a nurse..had to work on the floor where people were recovering from heart surgery and I was ANGRY that surgery helped them, but couldn't help my mom. I was angry that the world just kept going on...didn't they KNOW how my world had just been turned upside down?!?!?
Anger is just one of the feelings of grief...there's others, but can't think of them all...Elizabeth Kubler Ross has written about the stages of grief.
When my XABF died from his addiction, I had been removed enough that though I was sad and angry, I had honestly prepared myself that he was never going to quit on his own, and death was a very real possibility.
There are many here, to support you, and several have been through losses of an A.
Please continue to read and post..we really do care. There is also a forum on grief, that you may want to read through.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Yes, anger is a very natural reaction...you're angry at her because she couldn't/wouldn't stop, you're angry at addiction, you're angry at yourself because you didn't say "I love you" the last time you spoke to her.
When my mom died (she was not an A, she had heart problems), I was a nurse..had to work on the floor where people were recovering from heart surgery and I was ANGRY that surgery helped them, but couldn't help my mom. I was angry that the world just kept going on...didn't they KNOW how my world had just been turned upside down?!?!?
Anger is just one of the feelings of grief...there's others, but can't think of them all...Elizabeth Kubler Ross has written about the stages of grief.
When my XABF died from his addiction, I had been removed enough that though I was sad and angry, I had honestly prepared myself that he was never going to quit on his own, and death was a very real possibility.
There are many here, to support you, and several have been through losses of an A.
Please continue to read and post..we really do care. There is also a forum on grief, that you may want to read through.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Rage, I am so sorry for your loss. My mother also died an active alcoholic, she passed away 12 years ago sunday. "Oridinary" grief (total oxymoron) is complicated and takes time, but what you are experiencing is a whole different and more complex set of emotions.
First of all, you need to know that you are NOT responsible for your mothers death, and that the circumstances of your relationship at the time are not your fault either. Your Mom passed away before she got sober, and also passed away before the two of you could make some sort of sense or peace with your relationship. Neither are your responsibility or fault.
I highly recommend you find a local source of help - therapist, bereavement group, Al Anon to help you navigate this. Above all else, shutting down or denying your emotions are not healthy options for you. Do you have someone you can ask for help in finding these resources? Bereavement is so strange - it's like being in another dimension. It does heal, trust me, but it takes time and effort.
My prayers go out to you and your Mom.
First of all, you need to know that you are NOT responsible for your mothers death, and that the circumstances of your relationship at the time are not your fault either. Your Mom passed away before she got sober, and also passed away before the two of you could make some sort of sense or peace with your relationship. Neither are your responsibility or fault.
I highly recommend you find a local source of help - therapist, bereavement group, Al Anon to help you navigate this. Above all else, shutting down or denying your emotions are not healthy options for you. Do you have someone you can ask for help in finding these resources? Bereavement is so strange - it's like being in another dimension. It does heal, trust me, but it takes time and effort.
My prayers go out to you and your Mom.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry about your mom, Rage, how hard this must be for you.
My son is an addict and I remember him telling me once during a "clean spell" that even in his worst moment, he knew that we loved him. He knew, even when we didn't speak. He understood what the phrase "love the addict, hate the disease" meant.
Your mom knew that she was loved too, and I think if she could tell you somehow, you would know it too.
Hugs
My son is an addict and I remember him telling me once during a "clean spell" that even in his worst moment, he knew that we loved him. He knew, even when we didn't speak. He understood what the phrase "love the addict, hate the disease" meant.
Your mom knew that she was loved too, and I think if she could tell you somehow, you would know it too.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I can't add to the wise words before me, but wanted to say I agree completely with what others have said and I am so sorry for your loss. Grieving takes time - be kind to yourself and know that your feelings are not unusual...Keeping you in my thoughts.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Rage
I am so sorry that you lost your Mom to this disease. And yes, anger is a natural path of grief. It's one of the many emotions that we need to process.
I felt a lot of anger when my Dad died. It was a sudden violent death. After he died I started comparing his death to the death of other people. After doing this for a long time, I came to a conclusion......there is no good way to lose someone you love. Seems simple and obvious but it was something important for me to realize. That was "the thing" I needed to process and it took me a very long time. And eventually I was able to let go of the anger.
There is no timetable on grieving. And there is no right or wrong way to do it. I hope that you will be able to forgive yourself......you loved her.....and she knew that and knows it now.
You will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
I am so sorry that you lost your Mom to this disease. And yes, anger is a natural path of grief. It's one of the many emotions that we need to process.
I felt a lot of anger when my Dad died. It was a sudden violent death. After he died I started comparing his death to the death of other people. After doing this for a long time, I came to a conclusion......there is no good way to lose someone you love. Seems simple and obvious but it was something important for me to realize. That was "the thing" I needed to process and it took me a very long time. And eventually I was able to let go of the anger.
There is no timetable on grieving. And there is no right or wrong way to do it. I hope that you will be able to forgive yourself......you loved her.....and she knew that and knows it now.
You will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
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