New Here: What is Rock Bottom?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 50
New Here: What is Rock Bottom?
This is a rhetorical question. I know it's different for everyone. The problem is, I can't quite figure it out for myself.
I'm new here, and I came to this site after spending a morning crying through several other pages on alcoholism and alcohol abuse. This is kind of a big deal for me. I never cry. It's like a strange sort of emotional constipation - even when I really need to do it sometimes, when it's right there, begging to be spilled, I just can't do it. So perhaps this morning's sobbing is a step in the right direction.
I am female, 32, and I've known and acknowledged I have a drinking problem for at least a year now. I'm not one of those alcoholics who won't admit it to themselves. I can look myself straight in the eye and say: you are a worthless, piece of **** drunk with absolutely no self-control and no real commitment to making your life better. And of course, that's part of the problem. I don't know how to be kind to myself. Only self-indulgent. Kindness takes the form of the "adult" voice in me giving the unbridled, restless, insatiable part of myself permission to have free reign. I drink to forget I am a hopeless drunk. Did I say hopeless? Well, I don't drink every day (though I have for the last two weeks). I don't drink during the day (though I have on occasion, but I don't enjoy it as much as the late-night oblivion). I don't drink much on my own (though I went through a phase of doing that for a couple of months at a time). Understand, these are not excuses. Only ways of defining my own particular "brand" of alcoholism.
I am a binge drinker. When I start, I can't stop. The first few drinks loosen me up. They make me happy, light, bright, funny. The last few drinks I can never remember. I wake up with injuries sometimes - once with a bloody lip I could barely remember getting (I fell on the stairs). The other day with a thumb so contused and swollen and painful I had to get it xrayed to make sure it wasn't broken. I lied to the doctor when he asked me how it happened. The truth was, I had no idea, because I couldn't remember. Some vague notion of opening the fridge at some point that night, to get some food into my undernourished system, to try and mitigate the nightmare hangover I knew I would be getting the next morning.
Was either of these incidents rock bottom for me?
Shouldn't it have been the morning last year when I woke up and realized that not only had I had sex with someone I didn't want to, who then later developed a stalkerish obsession which was its own nightmare, I had also almost burned the house down by heating up soup and forgetting it had stayed on the lit burner all night?
Shouldn't it have been the morning I woke up in a guest house with no underwear on, one of my closest friends hissing at me that my behavior was utterly "embarrassing" and "unacceptable", since I had tried to pee on the floor and tried to hit her when she attempted to stop me?
It's not so much that I mind the pain of the hangovers. It's the roiling anxiety, the sense of worthlessness, the headlong catapult into a nightmare of guilt that can only be kept at bay with another round of drinking.
I am what you would call a functioning alcoholic, if by functioning is meant one who is able to fool others as to the extent of their problem. Given that I am a writer, currently at a prestigious art residency where I am spending far more time stewing in my own guilt and drinking to drown it than I am writing, personally, I view myself as mostly non-functioning.
I am such a cliche it makes me sick sometimes: the daughter of a mild alcoholic, problems with intimate relationships, inability to believe I am worthy of being loved, conflating my pity for others with love every step of the way.
Am I ready to quit drinking? I would like to say I am. I would like to say I am through, done, that I believe I am worth it, that I want to stop killing myself slowly.
But that's the problem with alcoholics. You can't trust a word those addicted bastards say.
So far, two days sober. The problem is, I am living in this art community where everyone drinks socially, and where every nightly interaction, if I choose to participate, centers around "having a few beers". So for the time being, I either have to avoid all social interaction completely, or watch everyone else imbibe while I grit my teeth and tell myself no, you can't, no, you can't stop at a few, no, I've heard this rationalizing ******** before. A battle of the wills, if you will.
Hence, this forum. I've never tried anything like this before, and I don't know what I'm asking for. Support, I guess. Other people who understand - both the struggle with alcohol and the deep, incredible shame and self-loathing it engenders.
(I must say, those manic smileys below this window aren't doing much to boost my confidence in the process.) But I'm willing to try anything.
Sorry this is so long and rambly, and if you have read this far, thanks for your patience.
There is much more to say, but I guess I will stop here for now.
Z.
I'm new here, and I came to this site after spending a morning crying through several other pages on alcoholism and alcohol abuse. This is kind of a big deal for me. I never cry. It's like a strange sort of emotional constipation - even when I really need to do it sometimes, when it's right there, begging to be spilled, I just can't do it. So perhaps this morning's sobbing is a step in the right direction.
I am female, 32, and I've known and acknowledged I have a drinking problem for at least a year now. I'm not one of those alcoholics who won't admit it to themselves. I can look myself straight in the eye and say: you are a worthless, piece of **** drunk with absolutely no self-control and no real commitment to making your life better. And of course, that's part of the problem. I don't know how to be kind to myself. Only self-indulgent. Kindness takes the form of the "adult" voice in me giving the unbridled, restless, insatiable part of myself permission to have free reign. I drink to forget I am a hopeless drunk. Did I say hopeless? Well, I don't drink every day (though I have for the last two weeks). I don't drink during the day (though I have on occasion, but I don't enjoy it as much as the late-night oblivion). I don't drink much on my own (though I went through a phase of doing that for a couple of months at a time). Understand, these are not excuses. Only ways of defining my own particular "brand" of alcoholism.
I am a binge drinker. When I start, I can't stop. The first few drinks loosen me up. They make me happy, light, bright, funny. The last few drinks I can never remember. I wake up with injuries sometimes - once with a bloody lip I could barely remember getting (I fell on the stairs). The other day with a thumb so contused and swollen and painful I had to get it xrayed to make sure it wasn't broken. I lied to the doctor when he asked me how it happened. The truth was, I had no idea, because I couldn't remember. Some vague notion of opening the fridge at some point that night, to get some food into my undernourished system, to try and mitigate the nightmare hangover I knew I would be getting the next morning.
Was either of these incidents rock bottom for me?
Shouldn't it have been the morning last year when I woke up and realized that not only had I had sex with someone I didn't want to, who then later developed a stalkerish obsession which was its own nightmare, I had also almost burned the house down by heating up soup and forgetting it had stayed on the lit burner all night?
Shouldn't it have been the morning I woke up in a guest house with no underwear on, one of my closest friends hissing at me that my behavior was utterly "embarrassing" and "unacceptable", since I had tried to pee on the floor and tried to hit her when she attempted to stop me?
It's not so much that I mind the pain of the hangovers. It's the roiling anxiety, the sense of worthlessness, the headlong catapult into a nightmare of guilt that can only be kept at bay with another round of drinking.
I am what you would call a functioning alcoholic, if by functioning is meant one who is able to fool others as to the extent of their problem. Given that I am a writer, currently at a prestigious art residency where I am spending far more time stewing in my own guilt and drinking to drown it than I am writing, personally, I view myself as mostly non-functioning.
I am such a cliche it makes me sick sometimes: the daughter of a mild alcoholic, problems with intimate relationships, inability to believe I am worthy of being loved, conflating my pity for others with love every step of the way.
Am I ready to quit drinking? I would like to say I am. I would like to say I am through, done, that I believe I am worth it, that I want to stop killing myself slowly.
But that's the problem with alcoholics. You can't trust a word those addicted bastards say.
So far, two days sober. The problem is, I am living in this art community where everyone drinks socially, and where every nightly interaction, if I choose to participate, centers around "having a few beers". So for the time being, I either have to avoid all social interaction completely, or watch everyone else imbibe while I grit my teeth and tell myself no, you can't, no, you can't stop at a few, no, I've heard this rationalizing ******** before. A battle of the wills, if you will.
Hence, this forum. I've never tried anything like this before, and I don't know what I'm asking for. Support, I guess. Other people who understand - both the struggle with alcohol and the deep, incredible shame and self-loathing it engenders.
(I must say, those manic smileys below this window aren't doing much to boost my confidence in the process.) But I'm willing to try anything.
Sorry this is so long and rambly, and if you have read this far, thanks for your patience.
There is much more to say, but I guess I will stop here for now.
Z.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 273
Hi there! I've woken up with unexplained bruises, burn marks and blisters from cooking while drunk, and even broke my leg so bad in november that I had to have pins and a plate put in...you would have thought I would have gave it up and never turned back...nope, that little voice kept saying "you can drink, just moderate it" blah bla blah...
I also have been able to admit I'm a drunk...then do nothing about it, for months, years even...
I think everyone's bottom is different...I haven't gotten a DUI yet, haven't killed anyone etc...and I don't want to but I was told by a good recovery friend "It WILL happen, evenutally"...I really don't want that to happen.
I've been praying to my God and telling everyone at my church I have a problem, I need prayer etc...was open with my family too...I think my God gave me the strength to actually ACCEPT that I am powerless over alcohol...and He's given me the tools to get sober! Those tools are all around me! It's my choice to use them, and so far..it's working...
Mind you, I'm only 7 days sober...but this has been a battle going on for years and I finally feel positive about it, have a support system and people lifting me up through it, instead of me hiding and just being on the fringe of AA/Recovery meetings...
I'm tired of being unhappy, recovery groups have the tools to be happy without drinking and that is what I want.
Good luck!
I also have been able to admit I'm a drunk...then do nothing about it, for months, years even...
I think everyone's bottom is different...I haven't gotten a DUI yet, haven't killed anyone etc...and I don't want to but I was told by a good recovery friend "It WILL happen, evenutally"...I really don't want that to happen.
I've been praying to my God and telling everyone at my church I have a problem, I need prayer etc...was open with my family too...I think my God gave me the strength to actually ACCEPT that I am powerless over alcohol...and He's given me the tools to get sober! Those tools are all around me! It's my choice to use them, and so far..it's working...
Mind you, I'm only 7 days sober...but this has been a battle going on for years and I finally feel positive about it, have a support system and people lifting me up through it, instead of me hiding and just being on the fringe of AA/Recovery meetings...
I'm tired of being unhappy, recovery groups have the tools to be happy without drinking and that is what I want.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
I didnt know I hit bottom but my family did after
they saw I tried to check out of life the night
before. Family stepped in with an intervention
getting the authorities to pick me up and transport
me to a rehab facility for testing to see if I had
mental problems.
I passed all the test given and they could see I
didnt really want to hurt myself intentionally but
I had a problem with alcohol. The culprit of all my
problems.
That was my bottom. Unable to recognize I had hit
it and grateful loved ones did. Getting me the help I
so desperately needed 20 yrs ago.
I went thru a 28 day rehab program recieving the tools
and knowledge of my alcoholism and then set on the
path of recovery learning to stay sober a day at a time
following and incorperating the steps and principles of
recovery in my everyday life.
In doing so I have found the freedom and happiness and
a renewed sense of life and joy I never thought I could have
possibly have in this life.
I have gone thru changes and struggles with doors closing
and new ones opening for me with the promises granted to
me just by staying sober and passin on my own experiences,
strengths and hopes to others still suffering from alcoholism.
All this can be urs as promised in the Big Book of AA. That's
where they are listed. Seek and you shall find.
Thanks for letting me share.
they saw I tried to check out of life the night
before. Family stepped in with an intervention
getting the authorities to pick me up and transport
me to a rehab facility for testing to see if I had
mental problems.
I passed all the test given and they could see I
didnt really want to hurt myself intentionally but
I had a problem with alcohol. The culprit of all my
problems.
That was my bottom. Unable to recognize I had hit
it and grateful loved ones did. Getting me the help I
so desperately needed 20 yrs ago.
I went thru a 28 day rehab program recieving the tools
and knowledge of my alcoholism and then set on the
path of recovery learning to stay sober a day at a time
following and incorperating the steps and principles of
recovery in my everyday life.
In doing so I have found the freedom and happiness and
a renewed sense of life and joy I never thought I could have
possibly have in this life.
I have gone thru changes and struggles with doors closing
and new ones opening for me with the promises granted to
me just by staying sober and passin on my own experiences,
strengths and hopes to others still suffering from alcoholism.
All this can be urs as promised in the Big Book of AA. That's
where they are listed. Seek and you shall find.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Welcome to SR Zini. You will find a lot of support here and I daresay you will get many replies to your post today.
Recognizing your rock bottom is entirely personal. (And I didn't want mine to be worse than it was, which was not very bad at all..just tired of my own constant BS really...) But as Genjen mentions, there is always the idea of "yet"" - code for "You're Eligible Too" - today you wake up with a swollen thumb, but down the line maybe in a hospital or morgue. Not to be too ominous about it but blackouts get worse, not better.
I have known I have a dependency for years and years. I relate to your post because I too kept putting sobriety off; the cons were not really "con" enough. But I did what the experts (sober drunks) advised...they say, well, just try stopping for a month. Just a month. See how that is for you. Tell people you're on a health kick if they ask why you're drinking lemonade or water instead of beer. Everyone respects a health kick.
You will find more answers...and questions... within yourself during the first weeks of sobriety. Your post already tells a lot about how much you know about yourself. Might as well give it a whirl?
I have found that I need support, personal support in AA, where I can meet other women and make some friendships with others who can relate to my difficulty.
Either way...best of luck...and keep posting...SR is very supportive!
Recognizing your rock bottom is entirely personal. (And I didn't want mine to be worse than it was, which was not very bad at all..just tired of my own constant BS really...) But as Genjen mentions, there is always the idea of "yet"" - code for "You're Eligible Too" - today you wake up with a swollen thumb, but down the line maybe in a hospital or morgue. Not to be too ominous about it but blackouts get worse, not better.
I have known I have a dependency for years and years. I relate to your post because I too kept putting sobriety off; the cons were not really "con" enough. But I did what the experts (sober drunks) advised...they say, well, just try stopping for a month. Just a month. See how that is for you. Tell people you're on a health kick if they ask why you're drinking lemonade or water instead of beer. Everyone respects a health kick.
You will find more answers...and questions... within yourself during the first weeks of sobriety. Your post already tells a lot about how much you know about yourself. Might as well give it a whirl?
I have found that I need support, personal support in AA, where I can meet other women and make some friendships with others who can relate to my difficulty.
Either way...best of luck...and keep posting...SR is very supportive!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: paducah ky
Posts: 3
"Rock Bottom" is different for everyone. Some people have a "low bottom" in which they lose everything, come close to death, etc. Others have "high bottoms" in which they are tired of drinking but haven't lost everything yet (had a major disaster). If you are trying aa you are probably at a bottom of some sort. Ive heard it said numerous times and believe it to be true that people who come through the doors of AA are at a personal bottom. You don't have to lose everything (low bottom) in order to start recovery. Those who haven't hit "rock bottom" can avoid it by joining a group and listening to those who have. This is what the Big Book refers to as "bringing the bottom up". This way many don't have to lose everything in order to start recovery. I dealt with the same thing early in recovery and know how you feel. Just keep being involved and keep your head up.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
People talk a lot about "bottoms," but I'm glad I never had to find mine. To some people, getting 2 DUIs and losing jobs and destroying relationships would be considered "rock bottom." That's what it took for me to stop drinking. But I don't call it my bottom, because I know I could've gone much further down the hole.
I'm glad I stopped when I did. I can imagine how things would've been if they had gotten worse, and it would not have been pretty.
I'm glad I stopped when I did. I can imagine how things would've been if they had gotten worse, and it would not have been pretty.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
A loose definition that I use is that it is the moment in which the pain of continuing drinking outweighs the pain and fear of recovery. When I found myself wanting to recover more than I wanted another drink, things finally fell in place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Z and welcome to SR!
In my opinion I say "to hell with rock bottom"...people use it as an excuse to keep drinking..."oh well haven't hit rock bottom yet I guess I'll have a drink...after all I'm not puking blood yet."
Make a decision to stop and then figure out how to stay stopped for you. For me it was SR and a lot of reading and working with an awesome counselor.
There are a lot of creatives here...I'm a painter myself so I get that culture...oddly most of my successful art friends drink lightly or not at all...but when I was in art school it was different.
I see a lot of self loathing in your post...imo that is something you need to address in order to get well. I hated myself when I drank so I was committing suicide...trust me life is worth living.
You can do this...you are a person of great value...you deserve happiness and to share your gifts with the world.
When you get well the smiliey faces wont look so crazy
In my opinion I say "to hell with rock bottom"...people use it as an excuse to keep drinking..."oh well haven't hit rock bottom yet I guess I'll have a drink...after all I'm not puking blood yet."
Make a decision to stop and then figure out how to stay stopped for you. For me it was SR and a lot of reading and working with an awesome counselor.
There are a lot of creatives here...I'm a painter myself so I get that culture...oddly most of my successful art friends drink lightly or not at all...but when I was in art school it was different.
I see a lot of self loathing in your post...imo that is something you need to address in order to get well. I hated myself when I drank so I was committing suicide...trust me life is worth living.
You can do this...you are a person of great value...you deserve happiness and to share your gifts with the world.
When you get well the smiliey faces wont look so crazy
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Rock bottom is dead from addiction.
Far too many die needlessly sitting around waiting
for their concept of a rock bottom to somehow appear.
When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested
and depression was a daily fact..I consider that was my bottom.
Welcome...
Far too many die needlessly sitting around waiting
for their concept of a rock bottom to somehow appear.
When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested
and depression was a daily fact..I consider that was my bottom.
Welcome...
Last edited by CarolD; 04-05-2011 at 08:15 AM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
I've got a slightly different take. My 'rock bottom' was knowing that no external consequence was ever going to be sufficient to keep me from drinking for long. Sure, fear worked for a while, trying to be a better person worked for a while, but the real turning point for me was knowing in my heart that I was utterly screwed, and that I would keep right on tearing down what I had built up.
That's a very scary and hopeless place to be, but it was necessary for me to be there. With that full knowledge, I became desperate enough to do the things that I didn't believe would work for me. A recovered alcoholic in AA showed me the directions for having a spiritual awakening, and was willing to walk me through it so that I, too, could be recovered from that hopeless state.
That's a very scary and hopeless place to be, but it was necessary for me to be there. With that full knowledge, I became desperate enough to do the things that I didn't believe would work for me. A recovered alcoholic in AA showed me the directions for having a spiritual awakening, and was willing to walk me through it so that I, too, could be recovered from that hopeless state.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 50
Thanks to everyone who replied, and for all your words of (hard-won) wisdom. I was struck particularly by idea that looking to define rock bottom is besides the point, and may indeed be an excuse to go on drinking, because real rock bottom is six feet under. It's a decision that has to made in the heart of the heart: a clear resounding NO to this way of life, and the hope - the almost-knowledge - that it can be otherwise. And all of you are living proof of that, and for that, I thank you all. I will keep posting and keep coming back here and keep (humbly, I hope) listening to what everyone with real experience in recovery has to say.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Land down under
Posts: 433
Yeah I believe the "yets" were for me far better than trying to define if I had reached a bottom. I never drove when i was drinking... yet. I hadn't lost my partner...yet. I hadn't lost the love and respect of my children (although this one was close and depended on the day) ...yet... You get the idea.
For me it was a matter of deciding I was done with that life and then took it one day at a time. If I had of thought I would NEVER drink again, I might not have started this journey. I still take it one day at a time.
Reaching out for support is probably one of the best things you could have done for yourself. We can't do this alone, but by heck.. we can do it!!! Hang out here as much as you can. When you feel like drinking, post instead. You have done well to reach two days. I sincerely hope you are done.
(just for you...hehe)
For me it was a matter of deciding I was done with that life and then took it one day at a time. If I had of thought I would NEVER drink again, I might not have started this journey. I still take it one day at a time.
Reaching out for support is probably one of the best things you could have done for yourself. We can't do this alone, but by heck.. we can do it!!! Hang out here as much as you can. When you feel like drinking, post instead. You have done well to reach two days. I sincerely hope you are done.
(just for you...hehe)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 331
Hiya Zini, cool name and welcome
Yes wtf is rock bottom already? I believe rock bottom is death, hence the word rock bottom, however, I am so far from an expert on this, I should be asking you???
I don't think I can wait for rock bottom, I don't want to lose my kid or my job. I want to keep what I have and be grateful I quit when I did. No one ever says I should have waited longer to quit.
No matter what, if you believe it in your heart, NOW is the right time. We will be here with you, and if you quit now, I'm sure you will be pleased with your decision.
You are at a turning point which way will you go?
Good luck to you,
Stacy
Yes wtf is rock bottom already? I believe rock bottom is death, hence the word rock bottom, however, I am so far from an expert on this, I should be asking you???
I don't think I can wait for rock bottom, I don't want to lose my kid or my job. I want to keep what I have and be grateful I quit when I did. No one ever says I should have waited longer to quit.
No matter what, if you believe it in your heart, NOW is the right time. We will be here with you, and if you quit now, I'm sure you will be pleased with your decision.
You are at a turning point which way will you go?
Good luck to you,
Stacy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
My rock bottom was when I realized I couldn't wait until the gas station near my house opened it's liquor cabinets. At 7am, so I can buy my stuff. One day I was there at 6:30am and begged the guy to just let me buy it, after all it's only a half hour before he opens the cabinets.
When on Sundays I couldn't wait until 12:30 when the bars open cause liquor is not sold on Sundays in GA in the stores.
When I kept saying to myself "I gotta stop this s....hit" and then did it again. When I peed in my bed and it actually felt good and I didn't care.
When on Sundays I couldn't wait until 12:30 when the bars open cause liquor is not sold on Sundays in GA in the stores.
When I kept saying to myself "I gotta stop this s....hit" and then did it again. When I peed in my bed and it actually felt good and I didn't care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Originally Posted by flutter 
A loose definition that I use is that it is the moment in which the pain of continuing drinking outweighs the pain and fear of recovery. When I found myself wanting to recover more than I wanted another drink, things finally fell in place.
Welcome to SR..
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