lucy64

I'm an adult daughter of an alcoholic mother. Luckily, from 4th grade on I was raised full time by my (wonderful) father and saw my mom every other weekend and one night a week. At 15, I felt I had tried everything to deal with the alcoholism and had enough. I didn't speak to her until I was 22-she went to the hospital for an injury sustained while drunk and they put her on a hold then went through the civil commitment process. She did inpatient then outpatient and seemed to be doing okay. We were talking more but it was still awkward at times. She started having some GI health problems then memory loss-it got so severe the family (myself and 2 of her sisters) started communicating more and I realized she was back to drinking. Long story short-she's about 3 weeks into her second commitment and feels she can stop drinking as long as she's required to for the commitment but has no intentions of quitting for good. The counselor at treatment (a treatment facility specifically for people with brain injuries) called me today to get my version of the story and referenced her memory issues as cirrhosis. I feel like I should call her because she's the only mom I've got, but my therapist (I finally decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to a professional) and the counselor at her treatment center both agreed I shouldn't call her out of guilt, or it will start a vicious cycle all over again.

I've thought about going to al-anon, but, like many of you-I assume, I'm terrified to walk in the door of one of those meetings. I'm strong, smart, independent, have an amazing husband and extended family (besides my mom) including my in-laws, and if I just carry on like life was before her first commitment (when I hadn't spoken to her in 7-8 years) I think I'll be okay. I got my bachelor's degree at 19, have an amazing job that I love in a, you guessed it, 'helping' field, and I don't know what I'd get out of an al-anon meeting.

I know I could probably find a million threads just like this, but of course I'm too stubborn to do that so I started my own I did just read the book "Perfect Daughters" and realized I have a few characteristics very common to 'adult children' Just curious what kind of input is out there-no questions in specific, more just interested in hearing others' stories-it helps to hear I'm doing the right thing from people who have been there or are qualified to say things like that. Just hoping someone reads this and responds.

GingerM

People go through recovery in different ways. I've never been to an AlAnon meeting (which doesn't mean it might not be useful to you). I've done all my recovery either by stumbling around blindly making some horrific mistakes, or, after that, by going to therapy every week for years.

The best therapy I've had so far was with a therapist whose clientele consists primarily of people in domestic abuse shelters. You may be able to guess from that that she works with a lot of alcoholics and people whose lives are affected by alcoholics. She does a lot of work with children. In other words, she knows exactly what happens to children from families with alcoholics in them, and how it warps their reality. For that reason, she is a fantastic therapist for me.

Many here have found that AlAnon was good for them because just by going and listening (you're not required to say anything, you can go and listen as much as you want), you discover that you're not as alone as you might think, and you can pick up a lot from the experiences of others. This is in addition to any or all of the steps they work.

Most people are terrified to go to their first meeting. It's a terrifying thing to do to open up the past most of us have attempted to hide from ourselves and the world. It's much like putting a big sign on ourselves that says "Why yes, I have an alcoholic in my life." But guess what? Once you admit that to yourself and to others? It loses much of it's potency. I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed of my parents' alcoholism. It is fact and that's all. It is no reflection on me. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't change it.

I don't think it could hurt you to go to a meeting, but that also depends on where your spiritual beliefs lie. Mine are not traditional, the concept of a higher power doesn't work for me. So I used the time hunting for a therapist who could really help.

As for contacting your mom, I have a genuine question: why would you do it? Would you do it for her sake? She probably won't remember, or if she does, she probably won't appreciate it. Are you doing it to prevent guilt in yourself for not giving it one last try? There's nothing wrong with that, but you will be "one last try"ing until she's dead. Are you doing it in the hopes that you mother will suddenly realize the error of her ways and atone for her sins? (okay, that one's just not going to happen) Are you hoping to find the mother that you think is buried under the alcohol before she dies? Again, the mother you have is the mother you have, there isn't a secret hidden mother who you'll find later. I would listen to those who have experience in this sort of thing - I don't know much about your private therapist, but I can guarantee you that the where your mom is living have seen it all before, and they know of what they speak.

I wish you luck in finding peace within yourself.

dbh

Hello Lucy64:

I'm relatively new to this site, but have been working on my recovery for about 3 years. Prior to that I did see a therapist. I'm still not sure exactly why I turned to the 12-steps at that time in my life. Therapy was helping, but I felt like something was missing.

My "program" consisted of reading through the "Big Red Book" and yellow workbook available on the WSO/ACA site. In the beginning I attended adult child meetings (both ACA and Al-Anon). My kids are still young and I find it difficult to regularly attend meetings (homework and activities get in the way). I found participating in on-line groups to be extremely helpful. Forums are available 24/7 and I can start/stop a post or reply based on what my schedule is like. I also read from a daily adult child meditation book each day.

Prior to coming to recovery I felt like my life was pretty good too. I have an advanced degree, a good marriage, stable home, well adjusted kids, etc. I also had a ton of ACA traits though. To name a few, I was a huge people pleaser, volunteered so much that I was starting to get frequently ill, got pulled into dramas at school/church/friends, and had co-dependent relationships with the most of the members from my family of origin. I was definitely a reactor instead of an actor.

Sharing my story and listening to other adult children helped me feel like I was not alone. I was carrying so much shame regarding my alcoholic father. I was also carrying a lot of anger and under that anger I found a ton of sadness that I never truly let myself feel.

My life has improved because of the 12-steps. I've learned to "detach with love" from the members of my family or origin. I've been figuring out who I am and what my likes and dislikes are (before it was based on what I thought others would think of me). In general, I have more serenity and I'm more comfortable in my own skin.

Well, that's part of my story :-)

Best of luck with your journey.

db

tromboneliness

Go to Al-Anon. The people won't bite -- and as GingerM says, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to (although you probably will, once everyone has said their thing).

Don't worry about the "higher power" thing. I don't believe in God, but I just put it aside -- the program also says "take what you like, and leave the rest" -- there is no religious orientation at all, although individual members sometimes get annoying by referring to "my higher power, who I choose to call God," etc. No big deal.

But they will help you understand some important stuff. (a) You can't fix your mother. (b) She isn't going to reform her evil ways all of a sudden. (c) Whatever you do isn't going to affect what she does, one way or the other, because you have no power to change her behavior.

Personally, I'd just let her go. Is that "giving up?" Well, maybe so -- but it's not giving up control, it's just giving up the illusion of control.

My Krazy Sister™ made many, many attempts to influence/manipulate my Dad (who died last September at the age of 90) to quit drinking. She wrote letters, talked to him, sent books, blah-blah, you name it. Effect? 0.

T

JustAYak

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting a couple months ago. I'm the shyest kid you'll meet, I rarely speak unless spoken too, but it's one the most beneficial decisions I have made. I find it to be a safe place where I can talk about things that have really effed up my life and people actually know where I'm coming from. They understand. There is nothing more that I could ask for. I'm only 19...if I can do it, you can do it. At least there will be some people your age there that you can connect with (I'm guessing based upon your post).

lucy64

Thanks for the input. I ordered 2 Al-Anon books (daily meditation books) and they came today. I also printed the Al-Anon meeting list. I know it shouldn't matter (and probably doesn't to the others) but I think I'll check out meetings in surrounding towns first. I work in the social services field and don't want to run into colleagues/clients there, at least not at first. I guess you'd call it baby steps but I'll get there...

BobbyJ

I really hope you go to a alanon meeting..It will help you alot!!!

You might be smart and have a great education, but you also
have been affected with alcohol, just like the rest of us...

I will assure you, the pain, confussion & expectations of your mother
and yourself, will begin to release themselves, after 3 meetings under
your belt..

Dont worry about taking kleenex, they are provided at meetings!

Dont worry about running into your clients, their hurt is no different than yours!

Find yourself a meeting soon...You will be SO glad you did!!!

Big Hugs To You!!!