Help... I told his family....

Old 04-04-2011, 07:54 AM
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Help... I told his family....

I have been living with my partner for 8 years. We ended our relationship two years ago when I discovered that he was doing cocaine with his coworkers and his friends. I had learned that ALL of his coworkers and ALL of his friends use coke recreational. For the six months that I was gone, he convinced me to come back and that everything was okay again. However the situation had really gotten out of control at this point. He was using coke almost every day.

I didn't realize (or I wasn't looking for for the signs) that he was using coke again. I caught him using coke again... and he admitted that he was using once a month (maybe more). Again he has the same coworkers and friends.

I started to nag and beg and put restrictions on his life. I didn't know what to do. I love him very much and outside of this issue we are good together. With all of the restrictions in his life (self imposed and some with some pressure from me) he has not used coke freq.

His friends hate me. They think I am making a small issue into a giant one. What I hate most when he uses cocaine is that he is very violent when high. Outside of this he is very gentle with me and respects me... treats me very well. On coke, he has physically and emotionally abusive towards me and himself. And in the morning, he doesn't remember or believe that it happened. Even though things in our home are broken and his hand/face are bleeding.

I know he wants to stop. He has seen a drug specialist once and is reading a book about recovery. I am proud that he hasn't used cocaine for 4 months even though his friends and coworkers are users.

Last night, the first 'real' test... he was out with his coworks and friends all day (soccer game and dinner). I was devastated that he called and told me he was running late. I suspected that he was drinking and using coke with them. When he got home, I could tell he was high. I felt all of my hopes and dreams melt onto the floor and I didn't even have the energy to be angry or upset. I just helped him clean himself up and got him a lot of water.... and told him I was disappointed and we would talk about it in the morning.

In the morning, after talking with him. I realized that I'm out of ideas. I don't know what to do. He doesn't hang out with his friends anymore. But he hasn't made any new friends. He is looking for a new job but outside of his coworkers addictions, he LOVES his work. So it is difficult for him to leave. I want him to be happy.

So yesterday, I told his brother (who lives out of town) about the addiction. Nobody in his family knows about his coke use. And I felt that it would be good for me to talk to someone in his life that could help. Especially someone that will always be there for him. I am just his common law spouse... and I don't know if I can do this anymore. It breaks my heart to say it, but I deserve better than to have the foundation removed from my life every few months and to constantly worry about what he is doing and who he is with. Just when I think 'it' is over, he uses again....

I just found this forum and am reading the sticky notes. If anyone has some advice that would be great. His brother would like him to visit immediately for a week so that I can get some breathing space and he can have a conversation with him.
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:23 AM
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Welcome to SR. I'm glad you decided to post here in this forum and very happy to know you are reading the sticky threads.

What you have been experiencing is domestic violence and abuse...regardless of whether a person is using or not-- the results are most serious. I hope you will take a look at the stickies about abuse and learn some ways to protect yourself.

Telling his family was your decision to make. There are no guarantees that they will want to or even be able to offer you the kind of support you need.

I found that besides and in addition to coming heregoing to Al-Anon or NA provides the best and highest quality of support I have ever known. I have also benefitted from some counseling but for me,but being around others who understand and know about this disease from personal experience helps the most. I learned more from watching how others learned to cope and change- they gave me hope that life could be good again.

In the beginning I went to lots and lots of meetings and eventually settled into Al-Anon as my primary source of help and support.

Again...I'm glad you found us. Soon there will be more responses as others join when they are able.

Oh...and you are right. You deserve better- you deserve to be safe, loved and happy with your life.
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:26 AM
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hi, it is fair to share this burden with someone you trust. his brother is his blood, and it may help you (words) for you or even for your boyfriend. it will be difficult for your boyfriend not touching coke, because he sees everyday these coworkers, he has the same habits.
It is a fight for him and for you. if he loves his job, why don't find the same job elsewhere (on in the same town) but preferably far from the actual work?

good luck!!!!God bless you.
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Old 04-04-2011, 09:24 AM
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broomhilde, welcome to SR.

i have been here for less than a month and it is a wonderful place to be. i read your post and i am sorry to hear of what you are going through.

your post caught my eye b/c our situations are very similar. my husband is also addicted to coke. we have 2 small children and third one on the way and i have been staying w/ my parents for the past 3 wks.

i found out about my husband's coke use about 3 yrs ago and at that time he actually talked to me about it and it seems that he has been using for over 5 yrs now (even before we got married, wish i knew that one).

that night that we talked about all night when he admitted to using "once in a blue moon" i also asked about his friends. and to my amazement it turned out that all these people that were in and out of my home and some of his coworkers were all users. i never knew.

he even gets it from his coworker. he is laid off now, but has kept all the same drug using/dealing friends.

even to this day i do not know the extent of his coke use. i do remember at one point him "hanging out" every day.

talking to his family is not a bad move. hopefully it will work and they will take you seriously and take your side. it helps if they are willing to educate themselves about his habit b/c otherwise they won't be able to help much.

in my case, he did admit to his use to his parents at Thanksgiving last year. they came harsh down on him at time and demanded that he stop. which he promised he would.

now, i have called his mom when i left to tell her the reason of him going over to his friend again and IMO getting high. he denied it to me and them, but refused to take a drug test. they (his parents) told me they wanted to stay out of it b/c we needed to work it out. now they are 100% behind him b/c i have kids w/ me and he hasn't seen them since i left. the last message from his mom is saying that she will see me in court. so much for the wonderful in laws.

i don't mean to ramble on w/ my stuff, but i'm hoping that it will help you b/c we seem to be in about the same boat. this is not the first time i left or kicked him out, but hopefully is the last as long as he does not get some real help.

it took me a lot of time to get here. i am still trying to stop "helping him". now i know that no matter what i do it is in vain until he does things for himself.

stay strong and take care of yourself. keep coming back for more support.
my hugs and prayers are w/ you.
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Old 04-04-2011, 10:00 AM
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First I am sorry that you continue to deal with his drug abuse issue. And I am more sorry that violence has played a part in your lives. I agree strongly that you should reach out to a domestic violence hotline in your area and begin talking with some professionals. I also believe that you would benefit from al-anon or nar-anon.

Reaching out to his brother I’m sure came as a relief to you, it’s always nice when we can share “the secret” as it tends to not own us as much. But his brother is not the magic bullet nor can his brother make his stop using. And a week away will give you just that, a week with out him physically present but he and his addiction will continue to occupy your every though. You may want to start thinking long term here, the last time 6 months away from him sounded like you were physically away from him but still very much emotionally attached and interacting with him. Something has to change and the only possible person in this equation is you, the one you do have control over.

Can you go stay with family or friends? Can you afford to be on your own? And if not, what will it take and how can you bring that about? Rather then focus on HIM and what HE needs to do for HIS addiction it’s time to start thinking about YOU and what YOU need to do for YOU in order to survive and thrive in life. And none of that should be DEPENDENT on what HE does or says or claims he will do. He’s had 2 years now, how many more years are you going to give him?
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Old 04-04-2011, 02:15 PM
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Atheist @ nar-anon

Thank you for the messages.

I will be joining a Nar-Anon group as soon as possible. Hopefully I will find a meeting this week. My worry is that I'm not a religious person but an atheist. Will this be a problem? His brother seems to want to help out as much as possible. I am just starting to get over feeling ashamed that I am in my current situation. This may take a while since I am a very private person.

I agree about the emotional and physical abuse. It is unacceptable and he does see this as well. I WILL not blame myself; however I've learned that when he relapses I should not challenge or argue with him. Since this tends to result in violence. Obviously it is not the ideal situation.

I love him very much. At the moment, I'm incredibly disappointed and sad. I will stay in the relationship so that he has a long term plan and support from a group/his family but I doubt there is a future for me here.

You are right, I've waited two years already... and staying has not corrected the situation. I am a positive person, intelligent and have a good career that I love. I shouldn't have to struggle so much because of who I've decided to share my life with.

Thank you again for all of the support. I don't know what I would do, if we had children together. I feel for everyone in this situation, esp. those that have kids at home.

I will write more once I've read all of the sticky notes and maybe the codependence book.
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Old 04-04-2011, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by broomhilde View Post

I will stay in the relationship so that he has a long term plan and support from a group/his family but I doubt there is a future for me here.
This sounds a tad bit martyr to me.

The more I used to focus on my daughter and her problems, the less I focused on me and my own issues.
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Old 04-05-2011, 06:52 AM
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A lot of this advice is difficult to hear. I have to admit that I have been handled with kid gloves by most.... maybe this is what I need: the cold shock of reality.

And maybe the comments are doubly painful to read, since they ring so true.

I'm going to get out of my pity party today and spend some time with a healthy supportive friend.

Also I'm searching for a Nar Anon Friends group in Toronto (that is secular). Would that be difficult to find?
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