"I don't know if i can stay with you....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 18
"I don't know if i can stay with you....
...because of the guilt i feel from all the pain i have caused you."
my heart is breaking.
2 1/2 years i stuck it out. and now his has been in recovery for about 30 days.
He says he wants to leave.
This is what i have prayed for, his recovery.
I didn't let go during all the drug use. I toughed it out.
Stayed thru it all knowing that the prize at the end was worth it. Spending the rest of my life with the man i fell in love with. A good man with a strong disease.
And now that the prize is in sight (for I do know that recovery can been a long process) - I am being told I don't get to be there with him.
I know I have my own recovery to be proud of and focus on.
Just wasnt planning on doing it alone.
my heart is breaking.
2 1/2 years i stuck it out. and now his has been in recovery for about 30 days.
He says he wants to leave.
This is what i have prayed for, his recovery.
I didn't let go during all the drug use. I toughed it out.
Stayed thru it all knowing that the prize at the end was worth it. Spending the rest of my life with the man i fell in love with. A good man with a strong disease.
And now that the prize is in sight (for I do know that recovery can been a long process) - I am being told I don't get to be there with him.
I know I have my own recovery to be proud of and focus on.
Just wasnt planning on doing it alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this pain. It's hard to see the good in hurting so bad.
The good?
When an addict is committed to recovery, they often have to change ONE very important thing...............everything.
When I am in pain or feel overwhelming saddness, I now take that as my "cue" to work my program harder.
When we make a long term emotional investment in another person, it's very hard to let them go. But sometimes it's the healthiest thing we can do for them....and for ourselves.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I am learning (but it's a hard lesson) that pain is often what spurs growth.
gentle hugs
ke
The good?
When an addict is committed to recovery, they often have to change ONE very important thing...............everything.
When I am in pain or feel overwhelming saddness, I now take that as my "cue" to work my program harder.
When we make a long term emotional investment in another person, it's very hard to let them go. But sometimes it's the healthiest thing we can do for them....and for ourselves.
I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I am learning (but it's a hard lesson) that pain is often what spurs growth.
gentle hugs
ke
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am sorry you are hurting.
As he is only 30 days into recovery, and the suggestion is No Major Changes The First Year, I wouldn't be too disheartened at this point. He is verbalizing the confusion that is going on in his head. Please take what he said with a 'grain of salt or two' as he will probably be saying the exact opposite in the next few weeks.
Early recovery is very hard on the A. I still remember mine from many years ago, and I was a MESS in my thinking, in my actions, didn't know if I was coming or going. Many I have worked with since are the same way.
So as hurtful as this was, please take some deep breaths and watch his ACTIONS and try not to his words to heart yet.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
As he is only 30 days into recovery, and the suggestion is No Major Changes The First Year, I wouldn't be too disheartened at this point. He is verbalizing the confusion that is going on in his head. Please take what he said with a 'grain of salt or two' as he will probably be saying the exact opposite in the next few weeks.
Early recovery is very hard on the A. I still remember mine from many years ago, and I was a MESS in my thinking, in my actions, didn't know if I was coming or going. Many I have worked with since are the same way.
So as hurtful as this was, please take some deep breaths and watch his ACTIONS and try not to his words to heart yet.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 22
Sometime it's better if you leave each other...maybe he needs to leave you to heal, or maybe he knows he never can really heal. Either way...I left my bf that I had for 3 years and I got a bit better, either way I'm happier I only hurt myself now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
As Laurie pointed out, a person in recovery's early stages has no clue as to what they want. All they know is that they want NOT to live the life of an addict anymore. The rest is overwhelming to them.
Step back and focus on your happiness and let him untangle the mess he is working on. You are not a knot in that mess. He just has such limited capacity to know which end is up right now.
I'm saying this as someone who is in a parallel situation, I get all gloomy about HIS actions and then I almost have to laugh to myself as if recovery somehow makes them have more 'clarity' about their life's direction than the rest of us. The fog is JUST lifting for him.
There is no magical powers with recovery in terms of a person knowing more about themselves. The real 'knowing' doesn't come that fast. That is what makes recovery so hard for us caring about them. It is like watching a ping-pong game so try not to get sucked into his confusion.
Step back and focus on your happiness and let him untangle the mess he is working on. You are not a knot in that mess. He just has such limited capacity to know which end is up right now.
I'm saying this as someone who is in a parallel situation, I get all gloomy about HIS actions and then I almost have to laugh to myself as if recovery somehow makes them have more 'clarity' about their life's direction than the rest of us. The fog is JUST lifting for him.
There is no magical powers with recovery in terms of a person knowing more about themselves. The real 'knowing' doesn't come that fast. That is what makes recovery so hard for us caring about them. It is like watching a ping-pong game so try not to get sucked into his confusion.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I am sorry for your pain. It's hard when you feel like you have "earned" something and then it doesn't materialize.
Addiction is so complicated - and so is recovery. My sober husband does not resemble the person that I fell in love with. I didn't realize how much that identity was actually tied into the addiction. Without it, I finally met the real man and it definitely was not the dream man (except for the addiction thing) that I thought that I was with. Addiction creates illusions - and one of them is that we know the "real" person. Even when you are already with a person that later develops an addiction they still will never return to who they use to be if they become sober. They are no more able to do that then you are able to return to who you were before you went through everything.
What I had to grieve when I went through everything was the loss of my dreams and my illusions. I hope that you will stay with your recovery program because it can really help as you go through this. Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself as well.
Addiction is so complicated - and so is recovery. My sober husband does not resemble the person that I fell in love with. I didn't realize how much that identity was actually tied into the addiction. Without it, I finally met the real man and it definitely was not the dream man (except for the addiction thing) that I thought that I was with. Addiction creates illusions - and one of them is that we know the "real" person. Even when you are already with a person that later develops an addiction they still will never return to who they use to be if they become sober. They are no more able to do that then you are able to return to who you were before you went through everything.
What I had to grieve when I went through everything was the loss of my dreams and my illusions. I hope that you will stay with your recovery program because it can really help as you go through this. Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 18
Regardless of if I wanted to hear them or not.... I needed to hear all the words. I do try to stay very focused on myself and my happiness. It is something I knew I could not lose sight of. For my own recovery is at stake. I do not want to relapse.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((booboo))))
I am of the mindset that our H.P. always has us where he wants us at any given time. Regardless, if that is waiting in the grocery line, or waiting in traffic...
Like the man who stopped to buy a bandaid, delaying his arrival to the Twin Towers. His H.P. had him right where he wanted.
Right now, your H.P. is ginving you an opportunity to work on you, so maybe, stop for a while, and just listen and let your H.P. lead you on your way.
Sad that you devoted all the time and energy into the past few years....but nothing changes, if nothing changes.
You're going to be alright.
I am of the mindset that our H.P. always has us where he wants us at any given time. Regardless, if that is waiting in the grocery line, or waiting in traffic...
Like the man who stopped to buy a bandaid, delaying his arrival to the Twin Towers. His H.P. had him right where he wanted.
Right now, your H.P. is ginving you an opportunity to work on you, so maybe, stop for a while, and just listen and let your H.P. lead you on your way.
Sad that you devoted all the time and energy into the past few years....but nothing changes, if nothing changes.
You're going to be alright.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
Early recovery is very hard on the A
that to me was a smart man to let me go....I was hurt of course..but did not fight it in the lest...he left last June, and wonder how he is doing...but i hope (and i let god) that he is good and well in his recovery..I know he has a long way to go...we shared alot of "secrets" and i honor them all....
who knows?....i would love just to see a nice smiling face and a well "eaten" man that i know he truely is...
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