He's sober, and pulling away?????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 8
He's sober, and pulling away?????
Hello All.
I am new to this site, but not alcoholism. I have grown up with it all my 41 years, and strangely let myself fall in love with an alcoholic 4 years my junior.(Yes, I am a cougar.... lol).
We have been together 11 months now, and I have seen him go thru highs, lows, really low lows, and now am experiencing sobriety with him.
Allmost 2 weeks ago he got disgusted enough with himself, and his life that he decided it was time to try quitting. He has done this before thru the years, and knew which doc to call, and to ask for librium.
He has done well so far, we used essential oils/epsom salts to help with detox symptoms. And he has done everything in his power to search, and find work to keep himself busy., has re-connected with his family, and seems happier for the most part.
The thing I myself am having trouble with, is that now when I try and hold his hand while watching tv, or give him a hug, kiss him, etc, etc, he pulls away, and goes into his own little space. Instead of stroking my arm, or rubbing my back, he just kind of fiddles with his own hands, or moves his arms out of my reach.
We have had a couple arguments about this, he says it is not intentional, but that he doesnt want to be 'mauled' all the time.... OUCH.
He always loved to snuggle and cuddle when drinking beer, but now it seems like he has sobered up and maybe realized Im not what he wants, and he doesnt want to be near me., Unless it suites his needs, then I can give him a back rub, footrub, or headrub when he wants it, but I get nothing in return, and never know if I am allowed to touch him or not.
Mind you, I am not a drinker, or an alcoholic, so I have NO idea what he is going thru.
I am just wondering if this is common, if I am overreacting, and if anyone else has experience this when a lover went sober.
Thank you very much for any responses.
Feeling very unwanted lately
cindy
I am new to this site, but not alcoholism. I have grown up with it all my 41 years, and strangely let myself fall in love with an alcoholic 4 years my junior.(Yes, I am a cougar.... lol).
We have been together 11 months now, and I have seen him go thru highs, lows, really low lows, and now am experiencing sobriety with him.
Allmost 2 weeks ago he got disgusted enough with himself, and his life that he decided it was time to try quitting. He has done this before thru the years, and knew which doc to call, and to ask for librium.
He has done well so far, we used essential oils/epsom salts to help with detox symptoms. And he has done everything in his power to search, and find work to keep himself busy., has re-connected with his family, and seems happier for the most part.
The thing I myself am having trouble with, is that now when I try and hold his hand while watching tv, or give him a hug, kiss him, etc, etc, he pulls away, and goes into his own little space. Instead of stroking my arm, or rubbing my back, he just kind of fiddles with his own hands, or moves his arms out of my reach.
We have had a couple arguments about this, he says it is not intentional, but that he doesnt want to be 'mauled' all the time.... OUCH.
He always loved to snuggle and cuddle when drinking beer, but now it seems like he has sobered up and maybe realized Im not what he wants, and he doesnt want to be near me., Unless it suites his needs, then I can give him a back rub, footrub, or headrub when he wants it, but I get nothing in return, and never know if I am allowed to touch him or not.
Mind you, I am not a drinker, or an alcoholic, so I have NO idea what he is going thru.
I am just wondering if this is common, if I am overreacting, and if anyone else has experience this when a lover went sober.
Thank you very much for any responses.
Feeling very unwanted lately
cindy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 49
This is common. Give it time.
Things may change (for the worse or better) when his script runs out (14-30 days)
If he is serious about not drinking, he has a lot of things on his mind.
In order to quit he likely needs much more support than just that short term med.
If you always have not gotten anything in return, perhaps that is another issue to address (aside from drinking)
Things may change (for the worse or better) when his script runs out (14-30 days)
If he is serious about not drinking, he has a lot of things on his mind.
In order to quit he likely needs much more support than just that short term med.
If you always have not gotten anything in return, perhaps that is another issue to address (aside from drinking)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Well...hhhmmm...glad he's trying to stop, but I am not sure I would call him "sober" except in the sense he is not pouring booze down his mouth. From what I have read over the many months, it is a long time before the brain rights itself again from the overload of a substance. Seeking sobriety is as much of an emotional roller coaster as using...it takes months (sometimes years) to really straighten oneself out and that is if there is a good program in place - a long standing program. And since you didn't know this guy sober, you may be seeing some personality characteristics in him that you have not seen before. It may be a wild ride.
Have you gone to an Al-Anon meeting? That may help you take care of yourself during this time.
Good luck, and hope you keep reading here - there is a lot of good information and resources shared on this site.
~T
Have you gone to an Al-Anon meeting? That may help you take care of yourself during this time.
Good luck, and hope you keep reading here - there is a lot of good information and resources shared on this site.
~T
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
This is common, and expect more weirdness.
If he chooses to remain sober, there will be the choices he makes to either deal with the physical sobriety on his own, or to enter into a program, like AA.
Either way, he is experiencing living in reality with the rest of us for the first time in a long time. That is disconcerting to him, and it will rock your boat as well.
There were times I wished my RAH had stayed drunk, because I missed some of the aspects of his happy drunk self. But its not worth it.
It will level out, but it is a different mountain now.
If he chooses to remain sober, there will be the choices he makes to either deal with the physical sobriety on his own, or to enter into a program, like AA.
Either way, he is experiencing living in reality with the rest of us for the first time in a long time. That is disconcerting to him, and it will rock your boat as well.
There were times I wished my RAH had stayed drunk, because I missed some of the aspects of his happy drunk self. But its not worth it.
It will level out, but it is a different mountain now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Hi Rainbow, and welcome to SR
I have to agree with what the others have shared so far. For someone to be so addicted that they need pharmaceutical assistance to quit, well, imo thats pretty serious addiction. You have no idea who this person is without his addiction in tow, and you especially can't know what to expect during the very difficult process of trying to quit something his body has become dependant on for so long.
I don't think there is anything strange about someone who grew up with alcoholism to fall in love with an alcoholic. I'm an ACOA, and as soon as I realized (about a year ago through Alanon) that the potential for me to end up either with an A or an A myself, I started taking as many precautions as I could to be sure this would never, never happen. If you have grown up with this disease, then you obviously know what you are signing up for, so I wish you luck.
I have to agree with what the others have shared so far. For someone to be so addicted that they need pharmaceutical assistance to quit, well, imo thats pretty serious addiction. You have no idea who this person is without his addiction in tow, and you especially can't know what to expect during the very difficult process of trying to quit something his body has become dependant on for so long.
I don't think there is anything strange about someone who grew up with alcoholism to fall in love with an alcoholic. I'm an ACOA, and as soon as I realized (about a year ago through Alanon) that the potential for me to end up either with an A or an A myself, I started taking as many precautions as I could to be sure this would never, never happen. If you have grown up with this disease, then you obviously know what you are signing up for, so I wish you luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 8
Thank you for the replies. After 20 days he has decided to drink again and that he can control it.... I know this is not true, and will not last long, but as I have been made to see here at SR, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Now we argue over beer, and he pulls away even more. I cant win for losing on this one.
thank you for your replies,
hope to see yall around.
Now we argue over beer, and he pulls away even more. I cant win for losing on this one.
thank you for your replies,
hope to see yall around.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Well, there's nothing you can do about this drinking, but there IS something you can do about *you* and your side of things. You can go to Al-Anon to get some support, and perhaps even find some counselling. You can keep coming back to SR and you can continue to reflect on what you want out of life.
Keep posting!
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
There were times I wished my RAH had stayed drunk, because I missed some of the aspects of his happy drunk self. But its not worth it.
Yes, many of times I have thought to myself the same thing....oh, I wish he would just go get drunk. Of course, have NEVER said that to him. But, it is true, when they quit drinking, the troubles don't magically disappear. You will find a whole new set of problems waiting for you. Sorry you are going through this.
Knowing what I know now.... I will be honest with you, RainbowLight. If I was dating someone for only 11 months and was in your situation, I would turn and run and NEVER look back!! Sorry, that is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I am speaking the truth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 8
Thank you all...... Anvilhead, wow. That hurt, but I know it is the truth. Very well put. Ssquirrel, that is not the first time I have heard it. But when you can see the good in someone, and see them struggling, how can one just leave?
Perhaps Ill find an answer to that one day, right now we need each other in different ways., and yes, Anvilhead, I think I may have a deficit in the 'valuing myself' dept.
I appreciate your replies all, ty.
Am making a plan to start really working on me, doing things I enjoy doing again, and figuring out my life.
Perhaps Ill find an answer to that one day, right now we need each other in different ways., and yes, Anvilhead, I think I may have a deficit in the 'valuing myself' dept.
I appreciate your replies all, ty.
Am making a plan to start really working on me, doing things I enjoy doing again, and figuring out my life.
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,360
hi RainbowLight. you asked, "...but when you can see the good in someone, and see them struggling, how can one just leave?"
You will leave if and when you are ready to leave, and not one moment sooner.
I believe that every being has good in him/her. It is sure hard to see someone struggle, when you can see at least one way out of that struggle, that they won't take. But your staying or going doesn't have anything to do with his struggle. His choice to continue drinking is his choice. You cannot make his choices for him. You can only choose how it is that you want to live.
You will leave if and when you are ready to leave, and not one moment sooner.
I believe that every being has good in him/her. It is sure hard to see someone struggle, when you can see at least one way out of that struggle, that they won't take. But your staying or going doesn't have anything to do with his struggle. His choice to continue drinking is his choice. You cannot make his choices for him. You can only choose how it is that you want to live.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by RainbowLight
Am making a plan to start really working on me, doing things I enjoy doing again, and figuring out my life.
Focusing on yourself and finding your own happiness is the only way out of the insanity. Good for you!
Stay strong!
~T
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